I've been accepting apologies I was never given,
I've been giving thanks to the pain,
I've been kissing the scars in my skin,
I've been listening to the soft whisper
Always distant in my panic
That says
"Maybe it's not so bad"

I've been laughing at my mistakes,
I've been telling myself I'm okay,
I've been asking for help,
Minus all of the shame

In between dreams
I've been kissing my own hands,
Talking to myself like royalty,
Wearing my make up like face paint,
Dancing in my bedroom,
Alone with the door unlocked

I've been carrying red lipstick in my purse,
I've been spraying perfume in my hair,
I've been waking up with the sun,
Using moisturizer that smells like
Chai tea and raspberries,
Putting lemon in my water

I've been calling my grandmother,
Telling her I love her even though
I know she can't hear me

I've been kissing my sister on the forehead,
Wishing her agony into space

Today I ate
A maple & walnut muffin
And I didn't stick my finger
Down my throat a single time

And I smelled my coffee
Before I drank it
And I wrapped my hands around
The mug
And I thought about how nice it is
To be so warm

Today I sat with ten suicide notes
In my lap,
All written in my script,
From days with a tired brain,
And I said sorry to myself
Over and over again
Until I believed myself
That I'll never do it again

Today I bought a brand new blanket,
The softest one I could find in target,
And I wrapped myself all up in it,
And I thought,
It's time I ******* own kindness

i wasn't a normal kid
and it wasn't easy to hide,

no pretty little princess night light
fastened to a peach wall
in a brick house

i watched the street lights flicker
through a gap in the blinds,
talking to you in my head
like,

"i hope your hands are still soft
i hope your teeth are still crooked
i hope you follow the street lights,
count your way to my house,
and sleep beside me
in my bed"

i left the window open
in the winter
cause i thought
you were the wind

the cold kept me up
and i liked it cause
i was afraid
of the pictures in my head
when sleep left me
powerless,
out of control

i never liked
losing control

one foot
in front of the other
...
always coaching
myself in my head
about things that
hardly mattered

12 years small,
afraid of mistakes
afraid of rejection
afraid of death
and friendship
and grief
and loving

falling asleep at school the next day
chipping my front tooth
on a ceramic desk,
and holding my breath

i never cried
in occupied spaces

i never asked for help

i never said,
"something's not right"
even though
those words lived
on the tip of my tongue
for years on end

they noticed the shadows under my eyes
but it was too late,
14 & poisoned
by loss and
guilt and
this growing fear
that made it
hard to speak
without my voice
breaking

no one knew
how to treat me
my mom didn't let me
lock doors
or wear long sleeves

when you hung yourself
the noose came after me

you were gone in minutes
i stayed gasping for air
and fighting
for years

i'm twenty-two now
and it's no miracle
i made it

i ******* scratched
at the roof of the coffin
you nailed me in
til my finger nails bled
and the wood split
just enough
for my lungs
to stop straining

you doomed me from
such a young age
i have trouble deciphering
where your death ends
and my personality begins

i am drenched in your blood
everything i touch is tainted
by the memory of your brother's
shaky voice through a landline receiver

i can't take a ******* shower,
open a letter,
tie my shoes,
brew a coffee,
say a word,
skip a class,
put on lipstick,
breathe
for ****'s sake
without the weight
of your blue, cold body
cracking my chest

they pulled me out of
a seventh grade class room
to say,
"they took him off life support"

and i didn't ask questions
and i knew what that meant
and i fought back tears,
swallowed them,
this dry lump
in my throat
and i never spoke
of you again

i was so small

how could you

"we got a dud
i think she's broken"
i imagined those lines
dancing through my mom's mind

and i blinked hard
i cut deep
i stayed home
i stayed asleep

i wasn't a normal kid,
it wasn't easy to hide

defined by death
answering to your crimes

you took your life
but you may as well have
taken mine

Tried to drown it
In razor blades
And crash diets,
Nicotine,
And self-induced *****

It swam back up to the surface
Angrier
And emptier
Than ever

I tried to
Occupy the space
With violent ***,
And tender kisses,
Fruit bowls,
And running shoes

It tore it all to shreds,
And growled at me,
Hungrier than ever

I tried to soften its edges
With poetry
And paint brushes
And some self-help book
From the sale bin
In target

It only got
More rigged,
I kept slicing
My fingertips wide open
On its corners

Like a shooting star
It would burst
& disperse
At night,

Breaking open like glass
And bleeding me dry
From the inside out

When I moved back into my sister's
She told me that she saw this coming...

Everyone always feels it inching closer,
But no one ever tells me to
Move out of the way
Until it's too late

You can't **** The Void
And you can't fill it either

You can only give it
New life

You can only plant flowers
In the center of it,

Where the earth is damp,
Dark, and frozen,

And you can hope that
On certain summer
Mornings
When you feel safe
And free
And welcome in your own body
The sunlight might make its way
Into your belly and
Nourish your flowers,

And that one day
You'll have collected enough
Sunshine
To say

The Void is no longer a
Graveyard
It's a
Garden
And I'm not
Afraid

I know I'm the only one who can save me
I know you aren't big enough to make me whole
I know my pain is darker than anyone is bright
But right now I need a reason to wake up
I need a reason to feed myself
Or I swear to god
I'll sleep until
I starve to death
Or just fade into
The emptiness

I need your words
Like subsistence
To hold my brain over
Until I can bear
To give it what it needs
On my own

I never wanna be

Without you

But I know

We die alone

And

I need to know

How to breathe

When you're

Not here

You

Can't

Always

Be

Here

I know

I know

I'm clingy

But I'm really

Really

Afraid

Of the

Dark

And

You are
The

Only

Source
Of

Light

Left
In my

World

You have split knuckles,
Dry blood on your fists

You've got crooked teeth,
Chapped lips,

Dark blue eyes,
And deep dimples

You have my heart
In the cracks between your knuckles
You have my heart in the space
between your teeth
You have my heart all over your lips,
You bite down
& I bleed

I'm always falling in & out of the holes
Near the corners of your mouth,

I am an anchor
Held down beneath the tears
that fall like waves from
The navy sea you navigate

My lungs haven't taken on
This much water
Since the last time
I fell in love

It's harder to breathe by the second
And I know now
That you're no lifeguard,

I'm completely ******

I'll drown in you
And you won't even notice

I'll drown in you
Will you even care?

It's not up to me anymore
The wind takes me by the sails
I'm crashing into your chest
Like an iceberg
This is how it ends,

This is how it ends

I wish my hands had ghosts of their own,
That could pass through walls
Without chipping paint,
That could swim through oceans
Without making waves,
And that could penetrate skin
Without drawing blood

I would reach inside your skull,
No matter how far from my bed
You lie awake,
And I'd pull out all the fear
That collects in the
Grooves of your brain
And I'd drop it in the gravel,
And squash it like a cigarette ****
Between my thumb & pointer fingers,
And once it lost its flame
I'd put it back inside your
Pretty head
Just so you could feel
how small it really is,
How powerless,
How easy to extinguish

Then I'd catch the rain
That is constantly falling
From your eyes,
I'd hold it in front of your nose
So you can see
Its softness as
It drains between
My knuckles,
How it nourishes the soil,
How gentle it really is
When it makes it to the ground

You are vibrant
And you are safe

You are vibrant
And you are safe

I'd dip my finger in charcoal
And write that all across
Your windows
Until I could feel the anxiety
Slow in your heart beat,
Until I could feel the calm
Crawling into bed with you,
Cradling you to sleep

I'd trace the letters
To make the words,
"You are strong
And nothing can hurt you"
Across your chest

This may feel like a nightmare
But you are a dream
And you are made of so much more

My hands don't have ghosts,

But if there are live wires
That pump energy
From every heart
to every other,
I hope you,
Each of you,
Who see your life
Being drained of its
Beauty by the ****** hands
Of hate and bigotry
Feel the weight of all the love
I'm sending you

Even through all the cruelty
That overwhelms you,
I hope you feel the weight
of all the love I'm sending you,

And I hope you know
No matter what
That you are poetry
You are art
You are power
And you won't
Crumble
And you won't
Fade away

I hope you feel the weight
Of all the blooming
Flowers who look up to you
To keep your cleansing light
In a polluted sky

We watched three DVDs of Elvis
on the Ed Sullivan show,
Just to find you waving in the crowd
for a quarter of a second

It was brief
But to see you so young
And gentle and light
Was worth the hours
Of black & white tv
And jokes that are no longer funny

The first night I met you
You asked me if I was a writer
And I asked how you knew

You said it takes one to know one

I read your poetry for three hours
In Indian style on your living room floor
While you ate crackers from a ziplock bag
And talked about the love of your life
And the way his chest felt
The first time you used it as a pillow

You told me not to cry
When Elijah dumped me
You said pain is everywhere,
I'll miss out on life
If I let it consume me

I turned to leave your room
On a random Sunday last December,
It was cold and wet and dark,
And I was tired,
You grabbed my hand
And stopped me in my tracks
You said "learn to relax"
And then you held me still
Until you saw the anxiety
melt out of my eyes

I asked you why you
Bother to keep the car
Even though you know
You'll never drive it
You asked me why
I bother to love the sick
Even though I know
They're dying

You told me "don't close the blinds,
The world is beautiful"
Last time I came to say goodnight

You kept making plans,
Where you'd go after you left here
Even though "here" was certainly
The last place you'd be

I never understood
Why you kept pretending;
Pretending there was more

I get it now, Peggy
I know

Good morning,
It's a beautiful day
to romanticize my own death

Good morning,
My brain is doing this
Brand new ****** up thing
And it's hardly 8 AM

I used to know how to float
Now I'm drowning

I used to know how to keep my distance
Now my feet are dangling over the edge

And I have this constant feeling in my stomach
Like I'm already falling

And I'd ask you to talk me down
But we haven't been talking

And I'd ask you to hold my hand
But you can't reach me
From where I've been hiding

I don't know
What it is
About this bed
That's begun to feel
Like a coffin

I drink coffee at night
And pills in the morning

I am tired
But not for a
Lack of sleeping

My dad has a doctorate degree
In civil law

I'm 22 and a freshman
With very little direction

I've been disappointed in myself for so long
But I haven't done much to change it

I thought maybe yoga
Would enlighten me
But I don't like the way
My body looks
When it bends

I thought maybe
A boy could save me
From feeling ugly
But he doesn't like they way
My body looks
When it bends

And he doesn't say it

He doesn't say much at all

But I could tell,

I was born intuitive

And I've been trying
Lately
To shake it

Cause everyone's thoughts
Are cold and painful

And I don't wanna see them
Anymore

I get paid
to bathe people,
to feed them,
to do their laundry,
And to make them smile,
But they still tell me
Right before they fall asleep
At night,
Right before I finally get
To leave them,
That I'm going to Hell
For the pictures in my skin
That I thought I needed
When I got them

I just wanna love something

I just wanna feel loved sometimes

There's a broken heart
on my right bicep
With a banner through it
That reads "myself"
And I'd say it's pretty honest

I've been breaking my own heart
Since I learned how to be
Introspective
When I was eight

I've been breaking my own heart

I just wanna be kind
To myself
And to the boy
Who holds me
And to the friends
Who call me
And to the family
Who supports me

I just wanna be kind
To my mind
And to my body

Show me how
To be decent

I'm so cruel
Anymore

I'm sick and tired
And I know you're
Sick and tired
Of the details

I promise
From the bottom of my heart
I'm trying my best
Not to fall the **** apart

Nothing happens over night
But if nothing changes
I won't make it

You keep calling after midnight
And asking for forgiveness
But I'm the one who did this

I'm the one who did this

And I've been sleeping in
But not actually sleeping

And I've been asking questions
I know the answers to
Just hoping
One day it'll be different

I'm waiting on the edge of my seat
For the exact moment
When I realize
I've definitely ****** this up...
It's always on the tip of my tongue,
Just a breath from slipping,

I will hurt myself
Bending over backward
Not to hurt you

And it won't matter
Because we'll both
Curse ourselves to sleep
In separate beds
Anyway

I've tried everything
To get you out of my head
Since the day I met you
Because you are in the south
And the west is always whispering
Sweet nothings in my ears

But you're always
In my dreams
No matter what
I take to get to sleep

And I wake up disappointed
Every morning
I wake up disappointed

I didn't ask to be like this,
Sitting on a bar stool in south Philly,
Hoping no one notices the water in my fist
Because I don't drink,
And I can't decide if that matters

I didn't ask to be like this,
Counting tiles as I walk through them,
Hoping no one notices
the concentration in my teeth,
Because I can barely breathe,
And I can't decide if I want to

Liking the rain doesn't make you interesting,
it makes you half-past 20 in northern PA,
And saying whatever is on your mind
doesn't make you edgy,
It makes you obnoxious...
It makes me think just maybe
You talk a little bit too much,
And tequila shots don't make you brave,
They make you sound like an 18 year old,
Just as lost, just as confused, just as scared-
But less articulate for sure,
Your matte red lips aren't deep,
Your matte red lips match mine
& every other woman in this ******* bar,
I didn't come here to talk about acid trips,
Or the hypocrisy in your politics,
I didn't come here to make friends,
Ever think I just wanted to sit?

I haven't spoken a word out loud
In six weeks and three days,
So I'm sorry if my voice shakes

I don't go outside for much anymore
So I'm sorry if your blinded by my complexion

I work at a nursing home
And I'm nearly as dead
As the patients,
The failure in my brain
Is a little different
But I'm equally exhausted
By my inadequacies

Without a lack of trying
I'm begging for the strength
To slit my own throat,
Because I don't feel like
Showing up for an other day

My diagnosis is a list 6 pages long
Full of initialisms that
end in the letter "D"
For Disorder

And I promise my tattoos
Are not an invitation for conversation,
So don't look so confused
When I get up and walk away
From you

I keep telling my boyfriend
Not to fall in love with me
Even though I've been
In love with him all along

I keep telling my boyfriend
To protect himself
Because I've been on my way out
Since I turned sixteen,

I say,
"I never thought I'd make it to
twenty-two, but please remember
I didn't stay to be with you"

I'm always trying to save
Bright eyed people,
Full of swirling galaxies,
And light
From the way I seem to
hallow them out,

I'm sorry I stayed in bed
With the tick inside my head
Again this week,
Don't forgive me

I'm a deer in the headlights,
I'm pacing back and forth
I don't know whether to run
forward or step back
There is darkness where I came from
but I can't see ahead

I'm somewhere between
vibrant red and navy blue

My roommate is vomiting
in the bathroom.
I turn up the television,
and pretend not to hear her

I'm a deer in the headlights,
I can't see the face that sits
behind the steering wheel

I imagine she's soft and gentle,
she'll let me pass & I'll be safe

But what if she's sharp and angry,
she'll strike me down & I'll bleed out

My roommate convulses on
the cold tile floor,

There is sweat rolling off her
rib cage

I find her half conscious,
and I don't believe this is happening again

My back aches
but only in one place

I wonder if it's you,
griping me from behind,
trying desperately to pull me backward

Or maybe my back just aches,
and I think too much

I tried to make a friend again today,
and ended up naked & empty,
fumbling around his sheets,
trying to get out of my mind

I don't think I'm doing this right
cause I feel like a deer in the headlights,
and I miss my mother,
and I know she'd slap the cigarette
right out of my hand,
and then she'd kiss my forehead,
and I'd feel better

I'm tripping over gravel,
Pacing back and forth
The yellow light creates a straight line
And I keep following it to the same place

There's been a song stuck in
my head for three days
and 8 & a half hours,
I can't focus on anything else

I told a boy I hate
that I love him,
just because I like the
way it sounded as it rolled off my lips
And I knew I'd get high off the look in his eyes

Maybe that's my whole problem-
Start to finish,
Plain and simple,
I just wanna be liked
And I never have been

Can't tell if I'm useless
or too used-
Can I be both at the same time?

I'm a deer in the headlights,
trying to find my way back to my mother,
going blind from the colors

I'm a deer in the headlights...

Mom,
If you can hear me now,
I'm so sorry for who I am

I'm the patron saint of lost causes,
You're the priest who's covered in bruises

I found you at the edge of the ocean,
The tide brushing your knee caps
And your fists buried in the sand,
With a cigarette dangling out the corner
Of your lips,

You wouldn't look me in the eyes
when I swallowed dry spit
to ask you what the ****
you were doing

You said,
"I walked and
I was gonna keep walking
endlessly into the waves
until my lungs filled
with salt water
and my brain finally
stopped squirming"

I knew that
was the case
before you said it,
And I wanted to tell you
I'd be lost without you...
But I'm lost anyway
And you ******* know it

I wanted to say,
"I'll always love you"
But 'always' doesn't mean
much coming from a person
Who's given themselves
about four months to live

So I leaned back
and let the sea wet my scalp

Drunk,
And tired
I realize
We're really bad at
being 20-somethings
Cause we're always searching
for the most peaceful place to fall apart

We didn't come out here,
to live on the beach
so we could have bonfires
under the pier
and drink margaritas with
tan friends...
That's what we've led
the world to believe,
And maybe even ourselves
some days

But at the core of it,
we know,
we came out here
to cry where it's quiet...
To listen to the water
washing over
the chaotic whirlwind
of our ever-growing anxiety

It rains every day at 4 PM,
And we sit outside
completely silent

When lightening strikes the sky
it reminds me of the color
your veins turn
when you're six drinks in
and digging into your wrist
with your acrylics,
That electric blue
that lingers behind my eyelids

We just wanna be normal
I hope we get there,
On some city rooftop,
High in the spring time

i've been nauseous every day this week
because i've been staying up until
the sun rises trying to remember
the way your eyes look
when you're in love

and i know
the universe is huge,
i'm always moving from place to place
but of everywhere i've ever been
the only place i ever crave
is your creeky back porch,
with the chipped green paint,
that i'd always peel back
when we were fighting
and i was anxious

still when my heart drops
and my hands shake
i wanna peel back
that chipped green paint
-

-

the night before you
slammed my front door
for the last time,
you were curled up in a ball
on the opposite side of the mattress,
and i was wishing you'd hold me
but i kind of knew you never would again

i said,
"i know nothing lasts forever
but i thought we were worth a miracle"

and you said,
"my apathy just got the best of me,
i don't feel you in my fingertips,
you don't send shivers
down my spine,
not anymore.
& i just don't miss
you when you leave,
your kisses never stick,
not anymore."

-

-
today i woke up
feeling like i never slept
and yesterday i went to bed
feeling like i was never even awake
...
venus keeps cartwheeling
backwards and no one knows why;
stars keep falling right out of the sky
and you're the only thing
that's been on my mind

The homeowner called up
to me as I danced across the attic floor,
"careful on the creaky boards."
But I didn't listen,

now I don't know where I am,
and everything is dark,

and I miss the way
your bedroom smelled
in the spring time,
with one window open,
and a fan blowing hot air
in from the kitchen.

I told you
I didn't wanna go back there,
and you asked where "there" was
and I said "I can't put my finger on it,
but I don't wanna go back"
and it made sense

even though it didn't.

I keep falling into these empty spaces,
void of fruit bowls & hands to hold.

I keep falling into these empty spaces,
where I can't walk a straight line
because there are only circles.

I keep falling into these empty spaces,
where mirrors refuse to turn away
& familiar voices are distorted
by the unique echoing of silence
when it overlaps silence.

Here I am,
on a bed of thorns
that hide their roses,
wanting desperately
to rip my thoughts from my skull,
scatter them like petals on the ground
and rearrange them...

Here I am,
timid hands,
wabbley knees
wanting desperately
to pick my body
from flesh to bone
til it's raw and naked
and ready to grow in different

I think that's why
they call rock bottom
the wake up call
you get when you need it...

I need it,
I need it,
I need it,

and if there's no foundation,
all that's left to do is build.

I'm ready to climb
out of these empty spaces.

Don't reach your calloused hands
out, palm up to catch my
shaking fingers.

Not this time.

I've gotta learn
where the bricks fit
for myself,
or else I'm always
gonna be leaning
in the wrong direction

I'm rain
but not the kind of rain
people drink coffee and stare at
from studio apartment windows
and under pretty white gazebos ,

I'm rain
but not the kind of rain
that falls soft at first,
and then harder,
and then soft again,

I'm rain
but not the kind of rain
that smells sweet
and makes flowers grow
in the spring time,

I'm rain
but not the kind of rain
that collects in pretty puddles
in the pavement
so that toddlers in rubber boots
can jump in and splash
their parents,

I'm rain
but not the kind of rain
that lulls crying teenagers
to sleep in their warm beds
or makes lovers miss one an other,

I'm rain
but not the kind of rain
people watch and listen to
with gentle acceptance,

I'm the kind of rain
that falls fast and hard,

the kind of rain that is cold
and hurts sun burnt shoulders
when it hits them,

the kind of rain that washes
pretty chalk paintings off of
drive ways in suburbs
without a second thought,

the kind of rain that
seeps through ceiling tiles
turning cozy little homes into
chaotic whirlwinds of
anxiety and destruction,

the kind of rain that
makes your joints ache
and your eyes red,

the kind of rain that
gets the kids out of the pool
and sprinting inside,
cold, wet, and uncomfortable,

the kind of rain that
washes leafs into
your gutters,

you curse it all week long,

the kind of rain that
only wanted to touch the earth,

to feel some semblance of warmth,

but the kind of rain that
doesn't know how to
leave the thunder at home,

the kind of rain who
breaks the things
it loves,
no matter how
hard it tries to be
gentle...