Let it stream
Be believable
be-come a beacon  an
What am I butta heathen

So to me **** talk is a cakewalk
I'll chalk it  always
Straight up Block it outta memry
Non-stop
Vestiges

I Never been so
Non- chalant
Null in void
So numb to it


But sometimes heaven hits

... And after a billion epiphanies
A weakened soul
Can be made redeemable
All on my own now

8 years of keeping the other half intrigued
I found us caves to lay in
and worms to eat
broke my back as I was able to lay
claim to a living space

Took enough
but the debris did damage
that man that was poetic, yet manic
yet perfect in his own context


we sent off letters
but forget em
they are compost
cut from different fog

now they get mocked
in my memories
how could you let your head
**** at your puppet strings

understanding the head
that possessed your grazing deer,
Mr. psychobabble, rambling man,
such shambles of ****

poured from the chest of branded mannequins
how did we get here
intensity livid
at what had become of some shared living
situation
cant ******* believe we let it decay
to a depth

where hate crept in
and we both let it
farewell for we've see
a whole new level of broken..

Keep your eyes on the lamppost
for that is the only thing
that matters
Matters?? Not
sirens, cellblocks, or
mindless chatter
Place it on shelf
the wind knows it must
shatter

Who is the royal and who is the ***,
we're all family when the earth falls
**** hugging ****,
on a ***** rug..
waiting for a red-tailed rock
to tear open
big blue.

Admission
Several half songs later
I stay at the type-writer: tapping
I am looking for structure, flexibility,
a stimulating blend of images
To rattle my listeners.

Too bad I come up empty

It's a shame I always crack
under the pressure of fake glass
incompletion makes a home in me
and I can't come back to health
until the books are written,
the songs are sung,
and my creations are raised effectively

But they would still act the same
as a **** stain
on haute couture..
Why pass it off as anything more?

I accept my role to be colorless, insignificant, and small
an ant can only be so tall
It is when we admit our futility
that we become a human, luminous

Therapeutically nuking
What used to be
Can a noose really have beauty
Who is me
Quit picking and poking
At the details
The mirror shows
Where ive failed
And held myself
Lower than anyone else

The unforgivable heat
Caused mania, was said to have made them
Turn in on each other
"The weak are meat and the strong do eat." The boss sighed
His walk was slow and refined


..low scoff turned high smirk
Mug's so mean, Men shiver in their spurs, they've learned
To tread lightly when time to speak
He is nasty, crude, and violent

Beyond focus
those sweet open moments
I'm breakin' open lotuses
To taste the holy ghost within
Never been good at anythin'
I reckon....but sin
Now to introduce
a fugative so elusive
I've only seen em move through fugue states
With an additude like Satan
A hangman waits to create
A rude awakening
For the late... Murderer made most wanted, "Well if I'm to die lemme ask real honest... why they ain't thought of grabbin' up my fellow robbers"?
The executioner stood mute over the killer then glared into
Them baby blues with such scrutinty
And replied "Who are you to
refuse your true humanness,
Or deny how intricate this system, which you are so
Infinitely rooted in.

She is such a.....

**** for black pepper
with her amateur
Symbolic ***** ****
...............
I bought it

Watch as they bounce me
Across the
Family's hot topic list
I live for big business

Now inching  
toward industry
with such relief
Let's keep
Moving
Jeeeeeeezzzz

What the hell
Is any of us even
doing here?


How weird
I can hear
some kinda cheering
From the atmosphere

Or is it an orchestra?!

I love it even  more
Than the day before
.....

just for the allure
Okay, say when..
The Gods like to
pepper in
a bit of horror
to make a story

More interesting..

I'll never forget the time you told me
"I can see myself with her"
Now all the flashes in all there forms come to plague me
The room riddled with symbols I was too dumb too see
How I let another ******* me in the first place is astounding
When I never believed in this ****
How about now that you are with her, what do you see?
Another victim?
Creatures naturally want what they can't have
So give them none of you
That way there's no ammunition
When guns go slingin'
Truth is you never should've made a room here
I told myself you were only here to trash it
And I was right
Yes words are ****, but it seems the truest of things spill out before we can catch them
Especially things we meant to lie about
I told myself I couldn't fall for you
If I would've listened we could have still been ******* friends..

This pen beats the ink to
stink bleeding into oil wells
that were too afraid to speak

Breaking bone barriers
from reasons in the distance
begging to be drug into
existence

Ask & receive
I can see your conceited
halo
Gleaming in those shiny rhyme schemes
What are you afraid of?
trailing off the barren track?
Bumping into the unfamiliar?

Let the people see
your trembles
only the truest humans
can relate

The trembles that make
your temple shake at an
involuntary rate
makes you reach for
dreams you buried
eons ago

Quick!
Que the narrations
A smooth voice got let loose
And truth gotta facelift

So freakin' biased
We cant help
It's in our nature
To fluff up the sequence

Relinquish some regrets
In attempt to rewrite
Any meaning or misprints
That was etched under the skin of it...

Holding all the pieces
We can Picasso this ****
Or just leave it. as it. already. is.
So raw so so rhythmatic

Naked Atoms
Just reacting
Simple math
Creature of habit

Tend to stress instead of laugh
Put one in a cave,
WATCH US MAKE ANYTHING ...
Anything But our own happiness

Happiness, what is that ishh?

A bad sound
A vacuum humming;
Early morning

A bad sound
The unknown scraping
In the basement
....tires pulling up tp the pavement

A bad sound
The fury that trembles
In moments
While I waste them

A bad sound
blades snipping at the grass;
Surmounted Serene

A bad sound
The screech these marks made
When I was fourteen!
The worst sound

A chilling apprehension
Which floods to no ears
And only I hear
It Eventually becomes background noise
Throats clearing on the audience

..voices that pester and won't allow sleep.

Bats in the toolshed
dont give a f*
about sunsets
spoonfed and searching for a subject
cutting hymns into symmetry
What does it matter if our tattered limbs
dont fit right?
We're still elegant
in a scary way
All too familiar
I'm disgusted by it's
tiny frame
and how our dicey angst
gets in the way
a rat with wings
hanging upside down
in a handmade shed
on the outskirts of town
who knows where
and who knows when
evolution made a creature
so gruesome so grim

Fools Gold
Looks just like a
Bud Nug
Blatant

Bold,
And Beautiful
By far
The fire marks had been gone
But continue to Bathe it

"You have a way with 'em"
To be straight
Im still holding the
poker chips,
the bullwhip,
Or whichever
Fill in the blank rhymes
Fit best

I am beating the meat
Out of this machine
Wish it leaked quarters
But it never does

Not so easy being a Street ***..
Being a being...
Being a ligament above the rest
Another rung to climb tirelessly
Until we hit the exit sign

Part 2
__
Until we hit the exit sign
Don't just be baiting yourself
.......
You DUMB *****
I like the way you hold that pencil girl
So sent/i/men/tal
So long
so so so much
Suf/er/ring
A piece of a larger sheet
A piece of a larger sheet

Part and parcel
Be Brief
and cut to the credits please
Read those 'Solid Instructions
To Self Destruct'
Must obstruct justice

No
Must uphold justice
DUH
Go for it
Hit the kick drum

Dumb it down all day
We not just
"All Play"
Aye can you see it in my bravery?
The way I play hide and seek
With my shadows
And force them to show
Themselves

Right in front of the
Sun's Rays
Son, Raise
your right hand
And swear upon this pyrite
That you won't Take
Time
For granted

Anymore......

I don't wanna wake up to the sounds of alarms beeping
I don't want my sole purpose of getting out of bed "to ring you up at a register"
Waiting and waiting for an off day to finally come around
Guess that's why they tell you early to "follow your dreams" to go to college"
To be honest I am really sick of waiting
Especially when the path is right in front of me
Begging to be recognized.

We get up

and we go

wing it to spit

venom over c-notes

behold

here's an

unspoken notebook

full of secrets

she will soon

hold too close

I miss
Laying in that
Queensized nest
with you
Wishing this off day
Would never end
We blacked out our curtains
Put on cartoons
And slept
Like sweet little babies

Until life almost had to
Rip me away from
Your warmth
The reason I woke up
Was for those days
The reason I broke my back,
And felt bad I didn't
Have more  To give,
Was for those minutes,
That I cherished
more than
GD anything
Still feeling my head in
Your hands
So familiar,  so specific
I apoligize ..
for dropping the ball ..
..All those years ago

What is inside
an uninhibited house
the promise of potential
progress

empty tables, empty beds
A future stomping with clumsy
Hard work doesnt often come from
negligence
But puzzles are hooked together
by the art of adjustment


Layer top of layer
rock against rock
continuously corroding
You can't be angry at the
result
when you saw it coming
THE ENTIRE TIME

A heretic hears from the heavens
Again
Alone by an alter she had chosen
To win
A heart that was already torn

(old poem from 2010)
I'm a Swashbuclin'
Mean Muggin'
One of a kind sweetheart
Fresh off the grid
Party Package

Doctor to your down days..
I am the *******
Who advertises floss,
But, doesn't floss

{Jeanettetrospect}
{Look! Im the lonely girl
With all the friends
I finished the sentence
Without any words}

OR any work
From my left hand
I am/ An Ideabot
an inkblotting machine

But what does the message care,
That it is just a message
and not the messenger
. . . .
It would rather be

I am the caricature carving details in myself
Another shepherd mending felt
In a tool shed

I am the criminal  
Crying for help
For the last time
Sell all the beggars my *******
Soul

Then ask the pigeons
For forgivness.

Facets of a false positive
All we can do is keep it honest
Lost
And
Locked away
At the same time
When to be mighty
And when to hide
Guess it depends
On the timing

Camryn Johnson

Jun 10, 2019.

"And this page

is just debris

of an emotion I felt for a split second

The gravity hangs heavy

In me

more frequent than before

I swear these organs will sink to the floor soon

My old soul

can't compete

with a heart that beats a million miles a minute

Does it make one naïve

To expect something decent

Maybe just leave it

To the birds

Is there no hope left

in this hopeless excuse for a being Will I ever shake this pessimist skin?"

Excerpt from "Coping Machines

Written: 2011

I'm hanging over the edge
Not dead
Not alive
Not knowing where I'm going
Not there

There's a build up in my system
constant disrupt
It hums us to sleep at night
not to be sweet
but to knot up your insides
with terrible dreams


I recall a bettering
In my days ahead
My body will become resilient
Highly trained to dodge the prodding
And set my sights on the obvious
So what if were all lost
How have we not conjured a way
To live back to basic
Thrive In the wave
That our ancestors made for us
Could you embrace all my layers
I pray your the one who can take me as I am

These nervendings
Stopped working again
Embellishings'
A hell of a crime
I'm not quite sure
But I'm determined
To learn from him
From any "HIM"
Mix a batch of medicine
Make certain it's poisonous
... A potion to open  you up

A potion
to make you devoted
But,  I know it don't
work that way
Yes, I've said
Magic is REAL

As any ideal
Forget what you know!
Throw it out
With the bitter wind
Oh I needa a plan
Needa plan
For today
No sense in really
Planning anything

I'm spent
So I
Sit and
Slander the page ...
Make .
It.
My.
*****.
Either I'm with you
OR I'm questioning if
This is who
You really are

Stay smart
Let's just part
Ways early
Separatism
Accept that this prism
Isl all  in
How you envision it
Different colored ribbons
I reminisce
Made space
In my memory bank
For these certain thangs

Static tension
Deprivation
Drain the senses
Self sedation

There's no pride
In losing patience
Only
Petty.
Revelation.

But if petty revelation
Comes to
Claim my head
I'll be elated

The whole things
Too constricting
To even paint it
Paint it
Paint it out

Right above these storm clouds
And if the chips fall
Let em fall
Where they may...

The nest I mend
with little knives
and countless crude
malevolent lies
fill the brim with spit
and sweat
pray it sticks so I can rest

She's a Fata Morgana

In the dark she's a phantom

Oh,   too bad she can't love...

My imaginary girl

Is just an image

Can never accept the flaws

Of the women I been with

Oh, the one I'm after doesn't even exist!

An elaborate magic trick,

A babe with satellite skin,

Some endless labyrinth

One I wanna get lost within

Like living in a fool's paradise..

Framed this whole Psychotic
                                         Paradigm

Low and behold I fell for my own hoax!

Now cursed 'cause I can't love things as they are

Then what's love but a mirage?

Not something written in the

Stupid Stars

It's a cloud formation

Mid chord progression

Liquid on the ground I'm steppin'

Its' just an idea

An extra image

Somethin' I'd want to believe in

But likely never be given

Something you only see in

fantasy        Or fiction

She's not real

Neither is the idea

Burn em both

***** bad
WOMAN good
LADY BETTER?

YOU SAID IT LIKE A CATCH PHRASE FOR A WHILE

PLAYFULLLY ELUSIVE, IS SHE


WHO IS ME? ME'S A ADULT BABY

  HALLUCINATING

A Fata Morgana

Guess I should jus let go??

I press play
dribble the drop
juggle what I've got
now  watch me
go off

Groans that grace and *****
My throat
Grasp it til I'm gasping
Gag and gargle slow motion
Yo, don't panic
It's just another one of those moments
Where **** got out of hand
Way too fast
Oh, don't worry
Rage no longer has control
You know   I'd never hurt you
Right??!?!

12-2-12
Money bags
I will never get my hands on
I know it will curse the man
who stands on it but it does
keep you worry free
I saw my future through
a kaleidoscope that day
and forced my memory
to tuck it away



scared to death (I'm shaking)
of all my "want but never haves"
I wish I never wanted this
wish I never had to have..

Steam kettle thinking
im not in the mood
for swift wishful thinking
smudge upon the blacktop
semicolon dot dot

The symbol that I cant crack
a blank space where I am to craft some sentence
the etching that describes
my indolence
my frazzled brain turned
to mush

Just like they predicted...
Don't let the gates age you
untwist & pick padlocks
that stand ground arount you
Alive in progression

We have no choice
but to propel a voice-box
over the noise.

Part 2
_
But as usual
The topic got lost again
I've got a habit
Of losing focus
What a wonderful daydream
We deemed worthy of unearthing
Can two cut up corners
Endure morbidness
And ignore the torture together


A few feet from the closet
Awful Monsters
began to plot  
Sabotage and dishonesty
Launching black bombs

Plus hexes and next level testaments plus test after test after tests after tests

Sure yeah monitor this ****** mess
YOU ALONE made
Take from yo teammates
Next lead an army of hardly alarming fickle ***** to fight
For you
Loyalty aint what you do


What a shame
A bully came in
and basically begged me to beat
Her repeatedly
Not only poking my ego
But
Weakening the way I see myself
Way to ******* go!
wait how did she steal the whole show from under us
Playing puppet master
To cover the lack of self control
Hard to mold an identity  
When you born with no soul

  Part3
___
Now she dictating
This entire ship
Turning partners against
Each other
With a curve of her serpent
Tongue
And makes sure to hiss curses
Wicked whispers that
will worm in
the cracks
Of every door that slams
Behind her
Just another reminder
That its never a matter of manners
It's always these double standards
"Do as I want not as I flaunt"



Meaning she might as well
Own the planet
As long as there no one to answer to
And Nothing standing in the way
"Only the unloved hate"

To Think or to feel
To Hate or to heal
To Share or to steal
To Love or to fear


Fill in the blank
We   too much
and_ too little

Man you's a
Manic nerd
Making spoken word
Mad libs based off Charlie Chaplin speeches
Maybe she's mad at the fact
I got my eyes on my own work
   And that personality comes  natural to me
That irks some people ???

I suppose, bc everything comes easy
besides the easiest things
Which we continue to feign
for
This void we keep feeding
With fake ****
It cannot be taken
Qor be caged, obtained by paper,
or by glistening gold stones  or trophies or credit nor connections you cannot teach it or trade it

Part 4
_
maybe you were right man
Can't believe I  Spent so long asking why would they
Take my crumbs after I've JUST BEEN MUGGED
Or jump me
already injured
unprovoked
So apparently broken
What they don't know
Is how Many minutes I spent
Tearing up in envy
Over what everyone else got
Hopin' I could get a taste
Of the same
Kind of amazement

When all I should ever be is grateful
In these minutes that remain I will
Make full
all my
empty achings
That waste
Time trying to take me down

Too much light inside
For dark dealings
To penetrate my forcefeilds
The healer can never be killed
These shields were
Built too  Too tough
By my guides
To let any evil seep through

F the
I'll be okay
stage
Now stunned
By some vanished
Anagram.

I've managed to stand
On two legs
Hexed to slave
over fugue states.

Staple sleigh bells
To our heads
Never to be lead
astray

We know death
Is a regular
Keep kicking sedatives
Down our throat
Hoping we'll get the message.

She ain't dumb
Just lacks perspective..

Just prose of brutal honesty
I do drugs
I write
but nothing ever satisfies
underneath the bones in my chest
lies a gaping hole
Im not sad, im not scared
but empty
of almost everything
something missing
can't find it
can't fill it
spent countless hours tryin'  to **** it
why cant I be satisfied?
Nothing can cure my loneliness
not people
nor time
I just cant be satisfied.

We are soothed by the sounds of sleep
get youthinized, get grey matter to leak
unconscious encouragement
mutterings so sweet
Let me bask in the drift
Transit to a spot more hospitable
less hospice
one where tongues flail
against the grain
passing insurmountable grass
that has yet to be grazed
or did you expect a
land unscathed
would you rather be subject
to the sound of white
or the sound of writhe
cry yourself to sleep
til you can't see straight
til you write your final ending
you feel as if your too late

Every  minute
Of every day
I beg myself
Not to fight you

Not because I fear I'll lose
And not because of politeness cowardice,
Or weakness
But because this **** is not a
Game to the rest of us

And we've had the anger
thrown at us


since we could stand
Therefore we refrain from
Showing our fangs until
We have to bite back

I'd rather show I can stand for
something/someone
That I love and believe
With patience,
Humility,
And grace

Truth is,  
I hate seeing my dad in me
When rage rushes in
And makes the stage
its playground
Which creates the most terrifying
Plot-Twist
I tried my damnedest
not to star in
The entire time
Then  BAM
........................
Now, what fresh hell is this?

Oh so I guess
I'm both hero
And villan
flinching from glass shattering
Like a halo above my head
While screams fill my nemesis
With momentary madness
Breaking everything of mine
That's in sight

To try and frighten me?
Or cause me to cry in a high pitched whine you must like when I
  Hypervintalate til I'm blue in the face
Reliving worst fears
Miracles that came and I nearly made my escape
Only bc something saved me
But why is it were brought back
To walk right through hell
Again
Yelling "How could you"!
Chasing my self through hallways
Swearing to catch her

Midnight- snack Guardian
Karate chopping fruitflies
Until the oatmeal is
Imbibed
Mmm derived right outta
The HIVE

Might as well be my time
Mine to Wreck
if I'm so inclined to
Walk a mile in/side my slip-ons

Try it
A light so bright
I could make
A wish on
Sonic Boom

Grab a snack
And watch it all
Fall down from your
Flatscreen

So this crazy ****
Keeps finding
Cobalt colors constantly
Am I on the cusp of stumbling?
If this is real then
Why do we still dream?
Keeper of
Select scrap moments
Cuz I'm supposed to have
Mad focus
Feels like home
To be floatin' on my own again

I crave the danger
The danger craves me back
Hoists me up, but doesn't provide much slack
It snips and it snarls
And startles an audience expecting it
It bit and it bit
Chewed right through the skin
Burrowed on in
And slept there for days on end..

Too much tension
floating about
cranium astounded
now outstretched

goops of grey matter
turn to bubbles
wrap up whats left
of our minds

We are whats left of the tribe
two migrants
relying on bowed branches
to guide us

but there's no dimming
said fire inside us
might have to muster up
whats left of my strength

because its bout to be just me
I can sense the heartbeat depleting...

whyy couldnt you just ******* wing it
to keep it moving?

The kind of text that
make my nostrils flare
and water build up
in my tear ducts
words placed carefully
to tell a tragedy
vonneguts work was layed
in my path to ventilate the
cluster ****
that was stuck
in my skull cap
Fragments fit to remind me
I've gone stagnant
and as a human
I should never settle
until death

God please
WE
Needa learn
some patience
Learn some faith
what a weight
to take off
you got me?
keep your promises
to modesty
watch over me honestly,
on your word
will you wake me
when I wander off
too far

OPT
To
Always
Be tossed aside

You won't get a rise
If it ain't the
Right guy

Time to get "NOT NICE"
WHY do you always
Add insult
To injury
Weird innit?!?
How you can
Feel so different
Within Minutes...
Potential Nemesis

Neva got your name...
Neva got time
To explain, it
Neva gonna give/ up
Neva gonna
sign my name
I am
NOT IT
And IT ain't either

These are messages
You can glean from
Cuz you know
By now
I'm
Sicka Da Rerun

So hard to understand
How I could be so uninspired
Cheers! Here's to hiding
Riding w highbeams on high
Resisting fisticuffs and
Dodging drama
Although it always seems to follow
Me
I've been too cautious
I stay shoving down
What's inside of me
We don't get rewarded
For good behavior
As adults
But doesn't make sense that
We should be punished

Coax the lion
tempt the snake
guide the sheep
and lead the wolves astray

overcompensation
Wasted
For the others
To hide in
Tight-fit basements
Some are vacant
Some are shrewd
But both take advantage of the smallest in the room

As of late
I'm scared to sleep
To plunge my
head heavy
in a pile of pillows
To feel "at home"
For only a moment
Then I notice the closeness
Was just my lonely
Using illusions to subdue
my human
thinkin'
maybe
It  saves me
from
breaking  daily
Clock work can't get
The glue to stick
My squishy equipment
Has always been a nuisance
You've been holding onto
your own skin
  since gravity's
forgotten you
Orphaned
at hells door
Clenching linens
Tight fists
Just might fight the fire
Death danced into
My chest
Don't expect to escape this
God had given me a gift
Can't just Indian give it
Back to the wind
Listen....
Mama didn't raise me
To quit
I gotta mission to finish

Stumbling Backward
Won't retrack
her footprints
burrowed I  the dirt
Soles won't turn red
At the time,
I liked to hide my embarrassment
Clinging to the edges
The best I could physically do


Stomach Bubbles
The tension inconsistent
Rummaging around in my
Squishy equipment
What does that mean  . ???
Well let's get intruiged
About it!!!
Whoop Whoop
Shoo now we talking


My feet scuffing the wreckage
Like brushstrokes
Dabbing watercolor mothers
To provide peace for
An orphans anguish
Help me
prevent the brain-slip
PrettyPlease

I refuse to be the patient  (AGAIN)
To be a victim
Or another vagrant
Wishing and a Waiting
My little life away
A villain or a crit-i-cal
Mistake
A Feeling
From the clinically insane
Another Innocent pedestrian
Locked in a cage

Disaster piece
I'm always wondering
Why
You're mad at me
Had to ask!
To find out if
It's actually me
What are the facts of it
I always set them off
Maybe it's another lesson
I will never learn
Yeah, *****
You bet,
I'm better burnt
Unearthing the
Echoes
Encased
Inside
Her person
Voices boxes
No longer
Stepped on,
The shackled
Set free

Faulty prospects
Aw-fu-lly in-comp-etent
I'm all blocked up
And honestly
*******
At the result
**** the tick took
Why can't I rewind this clock?