Tokyo

Tokyo Aug 2017

Dear future child..
One day, if it's 3 AM and you find yourself in a world of complete despair. Please don't turn to strangers on the internet for solace as i did, please climb into my bed and i will hold you until the demons sleep. If it is Thursday morning and you're too sad to move,i wont force you to. I will buy ice cream and we will watch your favorite TV show and i will remind you of your importance. If you feel like you have no purpose, I will remind you that you were created entirely with love and every pain you feel, i feel as well. When you're sure you can't go on anymore, I will tell you that when i was a teenager i searched for peace at the bottom of a ***** bottle chased by a bottle of pain killers, but years later when you were placed into my arms in the delivery room, I realized you were the reason I've been holding on for so long... and you saved me. So if you ever think about grabbing that ***** bottle, put it down. We will get into the ***** bottle, put it down. We will get into the car and I will drive until the sky turns magenta. I will show you how the sun rises, encouraging you to rise too. Sweetheart I refuse to be unaware of your sufferings, as my mother was to mine.

My future child..

Tokyo Aug 2017

Sorrow

Sadness, despair, and agony. The three things that live with me. They eat away at everything I've earned. The anger of my sorrowed pain, burns inside me like a flame. Once it consumes me, just know that i still care. Will you save me from the cold abyss? The solitary, tormented box i have been living in? Can you pull me into the shining light? Emptiness eats at my soul, leaving it a desperate hole. I want to leave, but where would i go? Seeing what i say, seeing how i act. Would you believe it if i told you that isn't me? I know i am kind and sweet, an angelic princess. I know i am cruel and deep, a demonic queen. What do you think of me now? Don't leave. Why do you feel so happy while you are hurting me? Will i ever find the one who will lead me to the warmth? I want to see someone who will accept me for me. I want a day when i can be loved. When i can be myself. How much longer must i wait in sadness? I want to fly away from suffering. I want to fly away from this world. Who would care if i disappear? No one. Maybe it is my time to go. I'm tired of putting in the strength and effort i don't have anymore. I can't do this...

Tokyo Aug 2017

Overwhelmed

Overwhelming; My heart is trembling. To try and find the words that have slipped through me. To try to find the worth that keeps me moving. My motivation; I'm standing at a bus station, waiting. Determination; losing patience. Praying that the lord can hear me breaking. "Focus". feeling hopeless because i am less than what i should be. Take me , to my king, the one that i know would never bring... up my past. from my last fight, which i lost. I have scars on my arms to prove it. But who are you to ask me? Why my scars are deep. I've had a hard time with accepting me, please just let me be. Broken.. I am broken. I see the glass half empty, no longer half full. Because when i was younger, i use to pop pills. I had to forget the night, but when the morning light came through. The only thing i forgot was why i felt used. Abused; once again, i am broken. "Here is a token of my love" .. he says "It's broken". Put me back together again. Piece by piece.. Make me strong, be my light and my favorite words at the end of a song. Teach me how to love. Because i... I am overwhelmed..

My words are real. Remember that you were art long before he came to admire you, and you'll continue to be art even when he's gone. A masterpiece is still a masterpiece when the lights are off and the room is empty.

Tokyo Aug 2017

Hello Beautiful

Hello Beautiful
I see your sad.
Maybe you're mad.
But things will be alright.
Hello Beautiful
Are you okay?
I know it's been a long day.
I don't know what to say.
Hello Beautiful
You cut yourself
That food is bad for your health.
Try to manage your wealth.
Hello Beautiful
You tried to die
But you're alive
Just live your life.
Hello Beautiful.
Your boyfriend , about him , he's here until the end.
Appreciate him, he taught you how to swim.
Your one and only friend.
Hello Beautiful
I know times feel hard
And your motivation is falling apart
And you feel as though you have a broken heart.
Hello Beautiful.
He loves you.
He taught you how to move. How to walk and how to choose, the way you look at life. One day I'll be his wife .. Ky'el.

Just thoughts... maybe i'm broken.

#faith #love #thoughts

Jul 2017

Pablo Neruda

XVII (I do not love you...)

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

Tokyo Jul 2017

God hates me

You promised you would be here but you're nowhere to be found. And i still look around your side of town to see you down .
Because i frown too, and i get down too.
and when you walked inside the room, i had the knife up to my wrist. And i told you step outside because i swear im gonna slit. Please dont try and change my mind, this is not me. But if there's ever a time when you feel lonely you can call me, you can tell me everything cause i get lonely too.
God hates me; why did he create me? My ***** beat me everyday.. i prayed that he would take me. Or just leave me on the floor screaming to the lord because iv'e done that all before. And he never came around, and now i dont believe in God. Where did all my faith go? I met a new man, he gave me back my ego. He gave me back my strength. He gives me all this love that i never had before. And im thankful for that more and more each day. Because he takes my pain away. And im thankful for that day... that i met you. And now i can start new. And its all thanks to him.. My one and only friend. My lover till the end..

taking the time to write...

Tokyo Jul 2017

First Love

I found him. The one everyone looks for. Not him, but ones like him. Ones that make you smile like when you were a young child. And always having faith when things are all wrong, because he is there, breathing. And just his existence is a blessing upon this earth. His being; him being there. Holding me, loving me, tasting me, touching me, giving me happiness and understanding my drowsiness. Because i take pills too, and he understands that all of those pills have a meaning to the things that i believe in. But he is my savior, my one and only lover. It was funny, how we met. staring in class because we were too shy. And who knew school would be the place where my heart would start to race when i seen you. Or heard your name. And when i turned around you would already be staring. I found you. My best friend. And i love kissing you and hugging you and bugging you. Because you understand. And you love loving me for who i am. You are keeping me from breaking skin. I remember crying because i could feel your pain too. And i cant imagine what you've been through. Cause it hurts and i hope i dont make it worse. But even when times get hard just remember we are only so far, and i can love you from a distance. And i will always forgive you because your existence baby... oh how i wish you knew..
Remember when we met, and imagine how far we could get. Riding on that Ferris wheel and i told you how i feel. And last night when i had to say goodbye with tears running down my eyes. But dont sympathize baby, one day we will be okay. We can run away. Just lay; the two of us, together. Forever... Imagine that.
I love you.

Ky'el.. I love you.

#first #love