I wonder and wander or do my wanders make me wonder?
What ever it is I am going under,
Sinking and drinking, my mind always thinking.... But why??

Every step I take my demon awakes, he follows me everywhere, his grip knows no bounds

Always suffocating and sometimes oddly liberating for all is not what it seems

Now while frustrating, I am not advocating
that this beast is is like a thousand hounds

I love him like my equal yet hate him like my friends....

Yes, just like my friends  -  I hate, I loathe and berate as they do not understand

I have the power to create and the power to advocate but my will is not at its strongest

Give me the power the resist.

I miss you….

I miss your smell, the way we gelled and always laughed together.
I miss your smile, the way you always went the extra mile and how we played together.
I miss your hugs, the way we fit and always seemed to just know.

Our connection always powerful, our love strong.. Put simply we felt bound together.
Our hearts they beat as one, sing the same song, tunefully they produce their unique note.

So the way we miss can not be dismissed but the snarling truth is this..
I took the ****, I hissed at you and destroyed our sacred kiss
I took your trust and your lust and turned them into disgusted.

You think I ignore, I don’t I adore you. My fear is what keeps us apart.
I stare at my phone wishing I could atone and repair the tear that’s between us.

I spend days in this haze, trying to think of ways that you and I can get past this, to be able to deliver this message to you…

I miss you….

I take a deep breath and the air feels my lungs. The relief of being able to breath is immediate.

The pressure on my chest is lifted, the stresses of my life gifted to another day.

Burring my head I might be, pushing you all away I am.

It’s better this way, the fear I feel when I think you are close to discovering who I really am...

Cold.
Hard.
Empty.
Fake.

This jagged little pill. A rose with a thorn, a blanket wrapped in barbed wire.

The relief is immediate but the pain felt afterwards is worse...

What’s the answer, face it or take another.....

Is taking another a weakness or self preservation?

Cold, hard, empty and fake are all traits I hide well. This mask sits firmly in place. Sure it cracks occasionally but I always find a new one..

Warm.
Soft
Complete
Real

All traits my mask is able to portray.

Thank you my life saving little pill....