I watched him punch the wall
And it all seemed so much more dramatic
Because he has cancer
And he was wearing some dramatic ninja clothing
I knew that he had hurt his hand
But all that went through my mind was the contrast
The contrast between how he hugged me
(Light...as if he didn't want to apply pressure in case he hurt me)
And how hard it was to hold up a man who collapsed out of fear
Because he has cancer
And it was dramatic because when he collapsed he did it as if he had pain
As if the physical manifestation of his crippling fear was too much for his
Good guy better heart to handle
And as he calmed down all that went through my mind was how his hands were trembling
Not from the fear or anger or the cancer
But because he punched the wall
And as per usual came off second best
And it was dramatic
Because he was wearing all black
And all I can think of is how he transformed from a man to a sobbing little boy
Who said things that burn my heart and cause me to want to panic
Because he said

I DON'T WANNA DIE MAN. I'M DYING!  MAN I'M SO SCARED

And I can't stop remembering how that was the most honest thing he has ever let himself believe
It was dramatic
Because I think he's dying

Even Hp
Makes me ask

               Will I ever be enough

It's 01:42 in the morning.
If you're still up....tell me why

He really isn't such an extravagant specimen of humanity
The other day he told her that he wasn't a mess
And the funny part is that he believed himself
He believed that he wasn't so pathetic as to deny his masochism whilst depriving himself of sleep
He believed that he didn't send messages to random people on HP because he was lonely and maybe just maybe that other person would live in south africa and get to know him and love him
He believed that he sent those messages because he wanted to help people
His pathos of trying was so painful to watch even he stopped seeing the reality of his metaphorical wrist and literal subconscious
And even though he watches good shows and listens to good music and has valid philosophical opinions that are well structured of both he still second guesses himself
He still doubts his ability to be anything in life but his dreams are real and o so powerful
He has become a farse
A pathetic dismal farce
And the worst part about this farce
Is that this farce somehow still believes that he is different and better farce than all the other farces out there

Yes he hates himself
But he has become so good at lying to himself that he doesn't even believe the words as he types them on this screen

Fear
         Meds
Fear  
         Doctor
Fear
        Chair
Fear
        Reach out
Fear
        Lies
Fear
        Mom
Fear
Fear
Fear
Fear

There are so many of us
And when I met the first of us before I knew I was one of us
I though
"**** this person got the unluckiest thing ever"
And I though I would help her and that would be that
I was innocent and I thought this was an uncommon case
And as I grew up became smarter
I met more
And more of us
And we are not uncommon
But we are all ****** up
And I wish I could go back to being so innocent and ignorant
And noq I know we are real
And im one of us
And I struggle
As we all do
But now we have two options
We have jumped into a raging river
And we can choose to float and enjoy the ride until we drown
Enjoying sweet blissful pain
Or we can swim and fight against the current
Never give up and use everything we have to survive
And its not easy
If it were we wouldnt struggle
But know this that you might hate yourself but you love others who are swimming with you
And if they see you float they will be discouraged
And they will float
And sooner rather than later everyone will be floating
Dying a sweet death
But hating yourswlf even more because you let them float
You said its ok to float
So they listened and they died
So know this you can float or swim
I love the rest of us
So I will swim because I hate myself but will not let the others die
So float or swim
Which is it

You are the kind of woman
That if
I were to put a flower in your hair
(Dark beautiful hair like a black churning waterfall)
It would make you the most beautiful woman
(Because beauty is indeed in the eye of the beholder)
On this world
You would be the type of woman that is imagined in the jungle
Wearing plants but somwhow making it look good
(Because that flower compliments you so well)
And you magnify that flower's beauty ten ******* hundred times more than any other woman
And it's a symbiotic relationship
Because you two perfectly compliment each other
But there's some nice irony to it
Because if I were the flower
I would be beautiful
And so would you
We would be perfectly beautiful
But it's not symbiotic
Because it doesn't matter how exceptional you are
I'd still ******* die when I'm plucked

Stay strong
For me

Smile
For me

Cry
For me

Be happy
For me

Sleep
For me

Eat
For me

Resist
For me

Dont lose
For me

Be yourself
For me

Break your mask
For me

Dont fall
For me

Be strong
For me

This concept of a parodox haa fascinated me
It is
For example
Safe to say that there is an outside within our phones
(Assuming that you have a picture of the outdoors on your phone)
It's like taking freedom and free will and forcefully taking a part of it and putting freedom inside a cage
(A wonderful ring of irony in that)
And we can also create an outside within our minds
(Assuming that you have an imagination)
The difference being however that we steal nothing of that freedom
We just make our own one

So ask yourself

Which one am I?
The one that takes from freedom
Or the one that creates it

Nowhere is safe

            it pursues me

Where shall I find freedom

          will it ever relent

freedom is a concept of death

Then why do we seek it

             it grunts in lustful excitement

the dead are the only truly free people

Freedom does exist

            hold on to your youthful hope

yes it will help

        the claws rip into my flesh

death is in front of me

Frredom does exist? Does it! Please......

What are you gonna do about t?

I hate you
*******
Go die coz I will not fall
Your comments will not push me over the ******* edge
No
No beauty is gonna be present when I rip your heart from your chest only to find dust
I will destroy you
I will **** you
I will win
I shall triumph

*nothing.  You win

Legend tells of ******* swing
She would sit and laugh and lovely sing
She would sing and smile
To see her men would travel many a mile
Her beauty made men enchanted
Such that they raved and ranted
Men longed for her
Such that they would slur
Her beauty was beyond known
Yet generously sown
For some have beauty
But none have her beauty
The ******* the swing
Who would sit qnd laugh and lovely sing

Every night I cry          I know
I wish I had the courage         you do
The courage to grab that blade      that is not courage
To put it against my skin     why
Drag it till the blood seeps  the surface      remain untainted
As if it would help            it will not
As if I would be better afterwards      you will

I do not cry every night         really
I have courage                really
I dont want a blade         really
Im fine really      F.I.N.E ****** up.  Insecure. Neurotic. Emotional
Nothings is wrong      there is never nothing wrong
Im just tired              we all are
I dont need help       we all do
I feel just fine I promise       *we  all do

Itsallthesame

In ever movie
Story
Myth
Rumour

Itsallthesame

The guy ***** up
The girl leaves
The guy chases her
Happily ever after

Itsallthesame

The guy looks across the room
He sees a girl
The guy chases her
Happily ever after

Itsallthesame

The guy works hard
The guy is strong
The guy fixes it
The guy doesn't get hurt
But my darling we actually do

So *******


Happily never after

There are people that have this ability to make people melt in their hands

They walk around  their entire lives finding their prey and engaging them and make them melt

The victim is usually rewarded with a night of rampant *** and is then dumped into this puddle when the antagonist
of this story is done with them

Sometimes it takes days for the victim to turn back into a solid substance
Sometimes it takes weeks
Sometimes they never fully turn bqck to normal and their will be a part of them that will always remain liquid because of the antagonist

Many fall victim to this antagonist

Until the protagonist comes along and upsets the routine
The protagonist cannot be melted
And it is due to this very specific favt that the antagonist ia revealed as the true protagonist of our story

That's usually a goodish enough story line that melts the audience

But people like myself who do not melt sees the true sadness in the lack of melting

We do not melt because we have been melted ao much that we went for an operation and we came out transformed
We are now metal
And I'm sorry to disappoint that antagonist/antagonist who becomes a protagonist
But the best you would ever be able to do to me is to warm my heart

He loved many things
He loved to dance
He loved to read
He slept often
And dreamt dreams of beauty and wonder
His life was good
But then he grew up
And he soon had to dance on a dancefloor of blades
His books burnt his mind
His bed became a place of tortured thought
His dreams became dreams of death and destruction
He has no life

He grew up.....

After all of his mistakes
He learnt many things
And he knew that the next mistake would lead to hatred

He grew up ......

He knew he would never be homosexual
He was right
He just turned out to be bisexual

He grew up.....

He never thought he would be that guy
But he became the guy who hates himself
He became the monster in the dark
He became what he hated

He grew up..... and he still misses his childhood

I was in a dark place
now i'm in hell

If I had no choice
But to go to Hell
I would choose you as my
Companion

I want a her in my life
Like all those people
Who talk about her
The goddess they met
Or the date they're going on
And I know that I'll never be a wilfred owen
Or an ee Cummings
Or a sipho sepamla
But when I write about a her I feel closer to being a master than ever before

Pain
Lies
Enigmas
Attrocities
Sins
Enemy
***
Attack
Vengeance
Ecc­entric
Maddening
Extreme

I'm just a hopeless romantic

    That dares to have hope

People say that they are hopeless romantics
That statement in itself is a contradiction
If you have any sense of romanticism
Then you are not hopeless
It is only when we give up that we can be hopeless
But a hopeless romantic does not exist

I made a decision
I decided to stand up
To show the world my name
Ariel motherfuckinh Taverner *******
I no longer wish that I could cry
I now cry when I need to while lifting my ******* to the world
**** all the people who pushed me down

it is not a lustful lonely
or a ****** one
or a perverted lonely
but a sit on the roof holding her as we cry for hours taking solace in each other's arms kind of lonely

If you were any other girl I wouldn't be sitting on the floor
Beating my emotions till their blood forms the body of my writings

If you were any other girl
These drunk thoughts that stumble around my head wouldn't **** on my dignity because I wouldn't hate myself for not being good enough for you
Never being good enough For you

If you were any other girl
my heart's wrist wouldn't bleed after I embarrassed myself in my eyes in front of yours

If you were any other girl
The chamber in my heart labelled "later" wouldn't be overflowing
Each twisted emotion screaming for my blood...your love

If you were any other girl
I would be drunk now
But I am not because you...I cannot understand you when I've drunken myself into pitiful inebriation

If you were Any Other Girl......
I wouldn't be writing this

If you were Any Other Grl......
All of these thoughts that stumble around my head like drunk men trying to find their way home wouldn't exist
And I say drunk men because it's easy to understand sober men
Yet these thoughts seem inexplicably intricate....

If you were Any Other Girl......
I'd be able to decipher all of these emotions and realize that after seven drafts of a poem I should probably give up on trying to explain that if I could I would nail my hands to the very stars themself if only it would give me a tongue crafted of pure gold....
Maybe then I'd be able to explain to every passing stranger how I can see a masterpiece in your very smile

If you were Any Other Girl.....
I wouldn't stumble over wanting to kiss you

If you were Any Other Girl.....
I wouldn't want to brush your hair back slowly, acting like a walking cliché in the desperate hope that your smile would inject my pitiful heart with enough courage to lean in and just be close to you

If you were Any Other Girl....
I would have kissed you a hundred times over

But you see the truth is that......
You're not Any Other Girl
You're gorgeous
Your smile seeps into me like water soaks into the parched land and gives it new life
Your hair seems to have a life of its own and I can't help but think that if you were Medusa's daughter, being turned into stone would be worth it because the last thing imprinted on my vision would be a walking artwork
And what I want you to know is that when you smile I feel the precious bud of bravery blossom within my chest
And I manage to convince myself that I will kiss the most beautiful girl I've ever had the privilege of knowing
Yet when confronted with a face as pure as a Mondrian painting
And more beautiful than a Vermeer or a Botticelli
Massive waves seem to form over me and I stand beneath behemoths of beauty and I laugh.....as these waves crash over me
My inconsequential bravery is washed away in the face of your beauty as I realize for the first time that this girl is....... worth the frustration
She is worth the wait
Worth the energy
Worth the embarrassment of letting an awkard attempt at a kiss melt into a more awkward hug....
But the simple truth is.....
You are not Any Other girl
You.
Are.
Worth.
The.
Journey.
And I can not wait to savour as much of it as I can with you

Its an intresting thing
That she lies
Not to me
No
She would not lie to me
Simply because she
As a person
Is against any form of dishonesty
And that is why she completely believes that
She is
A stupid girl
An insignificant girl
A waste-of-space girl
A useless girl
But in reality she is the one I look to for inspiration
She is the one that makes me significant
She occupies the empty space in my heart
She is the most amazing person ever

I hope she knows that
To me
It is not just a silly goodnight note
It is what makes me sleep
It is not an unimportant rambling
It helps me love
It is not a pointless letter
It is what I keep close to my heart
It is not an unnecessary reminder
It is necessary for my vitality

And I hope that she knows that
She makes me feel like an amazing person
That she makes me feel like a monumental person
That she finally makes me feel adequate That she makes me feel valued

So that is why it is intresting in the most grotesque way that she lies to herself
And I hope that she knows that she does lie to herself

You know what i hate the most
Well not really
Its impossible to know what you hate the most
But anyway
What i hate the most is that i cant be crazy
I cant use the 'back door' as tge joker describes it
I have on countless occasions imagined myself freaking out
Storming through the house breaking things
Grabbing my mothers wallet
And leaving the house
Surviving off the streets
And my mothers credit card
I have imagined
That i would get involved in drugs and alcohol
Start hanging with the wrong crowd
Doing anything for the next dose
I have imagined immersing myself in a world of lust
Constanyly searching for ***
The newest *****
And then doin anything to enhance the experience
I have imagined myself having a mental breakdown
Becoming crazy
Doing things that can onky be excused by madness
Being given a straight jacket
Being forcefed pills
Living in a padded cell unable to **** myself
Coz even if i starve myself they will make sure i survive
I have imagined cutting myself
Living in a world of private torment
Until the pain becomes too much
Then i spend three weeks writing my suicide note
Because my emotions are so hard to peg
Coz i have spent my entire life hiding and running away from them
And so far i have succeded
And then i get the rope
Get the suit and spend three days 'gracefully defiling' it as my last piece of art
Then i burn it all because im too scared to do it
Then i restart
I have imagined that i sseek solace in violence
In crime

Stealing small things
Getting angrier and angrier
Ubtil i **** someone
Then spend my life in prison
I have imagined that i become a famous writer
Feeling empty and lonely
Fi ding the woman i love and wishing i hadnt
Because i end up killing myself and hurting her
I have imagined tgat i stop ****
Become a nobel peace prize winner
Become famous
Then die without the right woman
I have imagined that i am a gamous singer
But end up killing myself coz the fame is too much
And the attention drives me over the edge
I have imaginex that i go to sleep and not wake up
To go peacefully
Coz thats wgat i ****
Peace
I have imagined that my family throws me out and i fend for myself
I work hard
Survive by washing cars
Or working a petrol pump
I have imagined that my whole family dies
Then i choke up coz i love them so much i cqnt continue with this ******* illusion
And i  the end i cant do it all
In the end im just a ******* little boy with depression
In the end i want to cut but am so scared that i cry myself to sleep
In the end im a little boy that refuses to take medication
Because tgat is his way of defying this disease
In the end im a boy that says things like 'this is my way of defying the disease' but actually im just so scared
In the end i lie fo myself to make it better
In the end i know im lying but i still do it
In the end i still believe .it And i wish this was the end but its not
Coz ill probably die
Married to a woman i love
But never being able to do what i love
Because I care about other people so much I would give them anything for them to be happy

Im officially depressed
That's what the doctor said
And as I write this
I don't really try for it to be art
I just want someone to know
I feel alone
Nobofy is there and I wish somebody is
This depression
since iv known
Is as clear as anything ever had been
I can see the radical mood changes in myself
the bitchiness
Everything but as I see these things they dim out other yhings
Please this is me asking yiu to help
Its selfish needy and desperate but can someone please make this better
Its not like I did something
Or is it
But as I said
I want you
Whoever you are
To help me coz god knows for once in my forsaken life I deserve it

I miss a 16 year old girl
I miss a girl with skin fairer than that ***** snow white
I miss a girl who lips are red like my blood
I miss a girl who's eyes could make me question everything and anything
I miss a girl who scoffed at my compliments
I miss a girl who called me a player
I miss a girl who could write beautifully
I miss a girl who saw more
I miss a girl that blocked all of my compliments
I miss a girl who was shy
I miss a girl who's tears could burn holes in my soul
I miss a girl who loved me
I miss a girl who trusted me
I miss a girl with blond hair
I miss a girl that wore nice earings
I miss a girl that hated herself
I miss a girl with scars on her wrist, bruises around her neck and burn marks on her legs
I miss a girl that could look into a mirror and not like what she saw
I miss a girl who thought she was ugly
I miss a girl ghat thought she was a curse to the world
I miss a girl that wanted to **** herself for most of her life
I miss a girl that drank
I miss a girl that did drugs
I miss a girl who loved the pain
I miss a girl who hated the numbnesa
I miss a girl that put others before herself not because she was kind but because she thought they were better than her
I miss a girl that I abandoned
I miss a girl who trusted me enough to tell me THAT SHE WAS ******* KILLING HERSELF
I miss a girl thagtnever showed anyone her tears but she showed me
I miss a girl that never showed anyone her scars but she showed me
I miss a girl that was so delusional that she showed me her trye self
I miss a girl that I hated for one day....I almost killed myself the day after
I miss a girl who had such an impact on me that I still feel her pain floating around in my head....

I miss a beautiful girl

I miss a girl that killed herself and it haunts me everyday

I miss me
I miss who I used to be
I miss being selfless
I miss not caring about myself
I miss being able to give the people I love everything

I miss being that guy

but what I dont miss is not getting anything back
I don't miss the constant fear
I don't miss the daily pain

but my dear one I really do miss you

I know you probably won't read this
And I deserve that
And you are amazing
But I just wanted  to say that

I miss you

And

I still care

Immortality
Invincibility
No age
No death
Glory
power
honour
pride
YES
give it
Give me that golden chalice
I cannot die
You cannot **** me
I AM IMMORTAL
I AM INVINCIBLE
I love this
I love you
NO I can save you
I MUST
No please don’t die
I didn’t mean to
I’m sorry
I can’t save you
PLEASE LORD LET ME DIE

I have not been there for you
I have not told you that you're beautiful in over a week
I haven't made you smile for over a week
I haven't made a ***** joke to make you chuckle
I haven't given you advice for over a week
I haven't pushed you to confront yourself
All in all I'm sorry my dear one but I'm a ****** friend

I'm ready to fall
For my sins
That pile up
Around my heart
Choking the influx
Of metaphorical oxygen
And figurative light (it is, after all, really dark in there)

I'm ready to fall
From my secrets
Weighing down on my shoulders
Crushing my spirit (which people say isn't actually a physical entity)
Sooner or later my legs will collapse from the weight
But till then I'll just make sure that

I'm ready to fall
And I hope to god
That I die in the most painful way possible (literally metaphorically and figuratively)
Because I do,
After all,
Deserve to die

He was evil
Worse than the devil
He cut my soul
And tore it to shreds
He laughed at my depair
And cried at my rejoicing
But my rejoicing is a thing of the past
He made sure of that
My sorrows cloud my mind
And all the while I hear his  cruel evil laugh
Intertwined amongst the melodies of death
I hear my soul cry out to my heart
He wrenches and the sound is gone
My heart  batters at the wall
The wall I put there
To protect and safegaurd it
My heart cries out
Intertwined amongst the melodies of death
I hear my soul scream out in suffering
My heart attacks the wall again
And I feel it crumble
Strangly I do not care
That wall has caused me pain
But I kept it there with the illusion
That without it the pain would be tenfold
So as the wall crumbles
I reqch out and pull it down
My heart soars
Power flashes and radiates outwards
I rejoice and he cries
He screamrs and challenges my heart
My heart attacks and ............


Intertwined amongst the melodies of life I hear him and I smile
I won

Ten million dry tears
Nine million fake smiles
Eight million different faces
Seven million manipulations of the truth
Six million screams of anger
Five million unthrown punches
Four million days of anger
Three million hopeless thoughts
Two million buckets of effort from me
One million from you
One hundred thousand thoughts about how you will hate yourself
Fifty thousand apologies you will never hear
Ten thousand apologies you'll hear
Five thousand tears
One thousand itching lips
Five hundred itching lips
One hundred itching lips
Fifty itching lips
Twenty itching lips
Ten itching lips
Five itching lips

something hold me
It stops me
I struggle
I cry
I scream
Its futile
Its over
It drags me back to hell

Brain                                    Heart
          c                                c
           h                             h
            a                           a
              i                         i
               n.....        .......n
                       ME

When it is a story you seek
Go to the pole
and take a peek
Into the house of death
That will take away your breath
For there lives a creature
Hardly ever refered to as sir
Yet this creauture has a name
to hear it means you are sane
And non are in this world
For our hearts curl
And twist
At the thought of his list
That forever haunts our childhood
And makes our innocence ****
To the difference of wrong and right
Which grabs tight
Upon our soul
Up at the pole
In his house of death
That will take away your breath