I dont want to be who I am
Make me someone else
But not somebody smart
O god no
Make me someone stupid
I hate being who I am

*if you can please help me

Dear reader

This is strange but if you are a  photographer (professional)((with finances))  please contact me so I can talk to you

Yours sincerely
Me

Every night I cry          I know
I wish I had the courage         you do
The courage to grab that blade      that is not courage
To put it against my skin     why
Drag it till the blood seeps  the surface      remain untainted
As if it would help            it will not
As if I would be better afterwards      you will

I do not cry every night         really
I have courage                really
I dont want a blade         really
Im fine really      F.I.N.E ****** up.  Insecure. Neurotic. Emotional
Nothings is wrong      there is never nothing wrong
Im just tired              we all are
I dont need help       we all do
I feel just fine I promise       *we  all do

Dear desperation

I ask only that you do not grab me as readily as you do.  For whenever I desire something from gazing upon the ground to catching my true love you are there.  Now I do not say leave.  No.  For I desire you.  You can be useful.  But come at my will not yours.  

Not yours sincerely
Your master
TDA

Dear despondency

I beg of you leave me be.  I hace done no great evil unto this world? Have I?? I beg of you leave me to My own devices not that they are better but I prefer to destroy myself and not you. So leave my soul and bother another person.

Not yours sincerely
The despondent boy
TDA

My heart is under a pile
My heart is a pile
On top of my heart there is a gun
The same gun I wanted to use to **** myself
The gun of redemption
On top of that there lies boulders
Boulders with names upon them
Lust
Death
Revenge
Jealousy
These boulders protect me at the core
Wrapped around the boulders is a mirror
To show lies
To hide the truth
To protect my heart from hungry eyes
Strewn around the boulders Lie bullets
Millions of bullets
upon bullet there is a name
I have not found my name yet but time runs out
Around the bullets there are chains
Chaining my heart to ground so that it will never be swept away
So that even a tidal wave will not affect me
Around that there are rags
These rags stink
They arex *****
They are disgusting
And finally around that is my heart
My fake heart
The one I show a girl whom does not love me
This is the heart everyone sees
This is my protecting heart


Please darling go to my heart
For me please darling
Go to the fake one and see through it
Remove it darling
Then after that look at my rags
And use them to clean your tears
And clean my rags
And fold them up and pack them away
Then my darling the chains are there
They are strong
No person has broken them
Please be stronger than the chains my darling
Break them and fix me
Break them and sweep me off my feet
Then my darling I will kiss you and care for you
My darling please do not stop
Go to the bullets and find mine
Put it in your pocket and never lose it
Then my darling look in the Mirror
And use it to see beauty in me  
Please my darling tell me I am beautiful
Please My darling
Then roll the boulders away
Show me
Show me you are willing to work for me and my heart
Then my darling take the gun and load it
Load it with the bullet you found then
Shoot yourself in the leg
Make me a part of you
My darling
Do this and I will love you
My darling please be my darling

Im a monster.Didnt see that one coming, but here i am : a monster: a human that has killed another and feasted on their flesh as if it were the sweetest pork on the earth.  Even though I knew what o was doing was wrong I still did it.  Why? This thing inside of me.  I call it "THE GROTESQUE LUST".  I stay hidden away from everyone but then it awakens. I then crawl into my box lock it while I still have any control.  Then I fight I fight for hours, days even.  In the end if I win I crawl out of my box and carry on hiding.  But if it wins it takes over and changes it, but it Let's me see through its eyes and it also allows me to retain my brain.  As I watch through its eyes I see my arms grow a dark green fur and my fingers become claws.  This is where I wish that I was dead.  Then it walks out into the night looking
Looking
Looking
It spots its
victim and chases and catches the poor girl.  I am forced to watch as it rips her apart and feasts on her.  Now the worst part comes: The taste
The taste of the blood
Of The flesh
Of The bones of everything
I enjoy it...............

The sweet smooth music plays, setting a tantalizing atmosphere that somehow says I am the master and you will enjoy tonight
The band playing the music seem plastic yet at the same time vibrant with restrained energy. Energy that , like blood, seeps into the people in the room yet not into the music that is being created. The music does not need the energy because it has a power all on its own. The people dancing enthusiastically look satisfied. They look to be having an extravagant time. Everyone is smiling. Everyone is happy? No? Look deeper. If you focus intensly, you can see the signs: a mouth twitching, a hand hesitating as it reaches for a glass, a foot jerking to its position in the dance it is performing. If you look even deeper there are signs of the desperate lust to escape: a shorter than usual skirt, a scar on a wrist, a ciggarette in a hand, a bruised neck. And I can see these signs so effortlessly.  If these people could come evn close to comprehending intelligence they would call it a gift. This is not a gift ....... only a burden I bear and as I look to the others who have the ability I see them hanging. All of them. Hanging from rafters I cannot reach understand or comprehend........  I look at my rafter and deep inside me I feel the perverted need the grotesque want to find those other rafters so I drop the rope and push the chair away and I stare.... stare aimlessly at the mindless zombies that smile fake smiles.

When it is a story you seek
Go to the pole
and take a peek
Into the house of death
That will take away your breath
For there lives a creature
Hardly ever refered to as sir
Yet this creauture has a name
to hear it means you are sane
And non are in this world
For our hearts curl
And twist
At the thought of his list
That forever haunts our childhood
And makes our innocence ****
To the difference of wrong and right
Which grabs tight
Upon our soul
Up at the pole
In his house of death
That will take away your breath

Fear
         Meds
Fear  
         Doctor
Fear
        Chair
Fear
        Reach out
Fear
        Lies
Fear
        Mom
Fear
Fear
Fear
Fear

Im officially depressed
That's what the doctor said
And as I write this
I don't really try for it to be art
I just want someone to know
I feel alone
Nobofy is there and I wish somebody is
This depression
since iv known
Is as clear as anything ever had been
I can see the radical mood changes in myself
the bitchiness
Everything but as I see these things they dim out other yhings
Please this is me asking yiu to help
Its selfish needy and desperate but can someone please make this better
Its not like I did something
Or is it
But as I said
I want you
Whoever you are
To help me coz god knows for once in my forsaken life I deserve it

when i **** somebody
i lose a part of me
and that is what i want
to some people that might seem strange
and reading this
i might seem like a sociopath
and i probably am
but  i felt i just had to explain
not really to you
but to me
because i need it
just to keep myself sane
,if a sociopath truly can  be sane,
so here i go explaining this to you as you are tied to this  chair
the best way i can explain is i see and know everything
well not everything
but too much
way too much
and as i see these things i feel them
i feel it all
all their lies
pains
insecurities
i guess i would call myself the ultimate empathiser
and because i see and feel all of these things
i have to loose them
and the only thing that works
is to steal a life
and let it haunt me
and attack me
and steal parts of me
and that makes me survive
so this is why you are about to die
why i am about to **** you

That book
Was everything
All my lies branded upon the pagez
All my secrets hidden with paranoid precision
All my desires inscripted onto the lines
All my thoughts  made physical by pen
All the ink that has bren used
All the pages filled with my darkest lusts
All those tear stained torn pages
All of the pagez stained with blood born of my own suffering
That book is not everything about me
THAT BOOK IS ME

and you stole it
You stole me

Love left me
It is forsaken by me
I do not trust it
For it destroys

Hatred cries out to me
And despite common sense I embrace it
Why
Is it so much nicer

Compassion
A pointless feeling
It is a curse
And it drags me to hell

Resentment
I resent it all
The sheer irony
Amuses me

ignorance
The sheer beauty of it all
And yes
It is indeed bliss

The first time I cried
I said it all
I opened up and hoped she would help
But all she said was
it gets better

I hoped yet again and reached out
Please help me my heart cried
My soul screeched
All she says is
it gets better

Please I cried silently
it gets better

I scremed shouted lashed out
Please let this end
Please just talk to me
Please help me
I screamed to her surpise
stop it it gets better

I let it all out
Everything
All my secrets
All my lies
All my questions
All my anxieties
She talked
And I hope she would finally listen
Finally help
stop pitying yourself *

.........

it gets better


it gets better

*well *******

I fear the night
For it is to be feared
All my childhood horrors
Seem like a pleasant reprieve
A reprieve from this insanity
From the monsters that attack me
Give me the secrets the lies
I feel it
All of it
And I still care
After years of despair
I still care
They call it a gift but it destroys me

Immer un immer schreine ich
Warum
Warum
Immer und immer weine ich
Warum warum

People everywhere
They look at me
In disgust
what is that thing
They say
All the things they say
gather and attack
Attack my fortress
My defences
The defences I put up years ago to protect myself
From all the horrors
All the monsters
All the people
All the mindless freaks
That attack me
Just as they attack me now
And its hard
really hard
Why me
Why
They fail
Not the attackers
My defences they collapse and cave in
As they do that they collapse on me
Leaving me restrained
So that they have all the power they want
And they use it
Why me
Why

Lies call to us all
We are never taught to do it
But we always do
Why
Its because that the idea of not getting caught
Is so tantalizing none can resist

Pain
Lies
Enigmas
Attrocities
Sins
Enemy
***
Attack
Vengeance
Ecc­entric
Maddening
Extreme

Pain
Lies
Enigmas
Attrocities
Sins
Enemy
***
Attack
Vengeance
Ecc­entric
Maddening
Extreme

Hello
Eccentric
Lies
Pain

He was evil
Worse than the devil
He cut my soul
And tore it to shreds
He laughed at my depair
And cried at my rejoicing
But my rejoicing is a thing of the past
He made sure of that
My sorrows cloud my mind
And all the while I hear his  cruel evil laugh
Intertwined amongst the melodies of death
I hear my soul cry out to my heart
He wrenches and the sound is gone
My heart  batters at the wall
The wall I put there
To protect and safegaurd it
My heart cries out
Intertwined amongst the melodies of death
I hear my soul scream out in suffering
My heart attacks the wall again
And I feel it crumble
Strangly I do not care
That wall has caused me pain
But I kept it there with the illusion
That without it the pain would be tenfold
So as the wall crumbles
I reqch out and pull it down
My heart soars
Power flashes and radiates outwards
I rejoice and he cries
He screamrs and challenges my heart
My heart attacks and ............


Intertwined amongst the melodies of life I hear him and I smile
I won

He sat on his chair
In his desk
In a place he called heel

She walked
In a place she hated
She bnamed hell

He sighed
Decided to take a break
And walked through hell towards heaven

She sighed
She was stressing
So she went for a walk to heaven

He sat on a chair
And loathed himself
He loved heaven but was still in hell

She walked into a room
With a man on a chair
She frowned for hell made it all worse

He silently wept
With no tears
He needed respite from hell

she teared
With no tears
She needed respite from hell

He looked into memory
But found nothing
His life was a series of hells

She looked into her mind
But found nothing
Her life was a series of hells

Where
He thought
in despair

Where
She thought
In despair

He looked up
About to scream
And saw her

She looked around
About to cry
And saw him

She was amazing
Beautiful
Captivating

He was amazing
Handsome
Captivating

She smiled
And he cried
Inwardly

He smiled
And she hoped
Inwardly

He looked upon his life
And finally
Took a chance

She looked upon her life
Almost cried
And took a chance

He stood up
Went to her
And said one syllable

She stared
As he walked up
And said one syllable

He despaired
For she didn't say anything
And turned

She grasped
His shoulder with desperation
And begged with her eyes

He turned
And smiled
A true smile

She smiled
A true smile
He caused it

He started a conversation
A conversation
Of a lifetime

She chatted
Without thinking
She just let her toung work

He hoped
Something he never did
Something he liked

She hoped
Not a false hope
A true hope

He left
With her number
And hope in his heart

She left
With hope and fear
Would he call her

He lay down
But didn't sleep
He thought

She lay down
But didn't sleep
She thought

He smiled
A true smile
A Happy smile

She smiled
A true smile
A Happy smile

He slept
Like never before
For he had never truly slept

She slept
Like never before
For she always dreamed

He woke up
And smiled
He had slept

She woke up
And smiled
She hadn't dreamed

He called her
And made something
Love

She answered
And felt something
Love

                             TRUE LOVE
                        SUCH AS NEVER FELT
                 YET IT WAS REAL FOR THEY FELT IT
          AND FEELINGS ARE TO BE TRUSTED? ????

They laughed
They were not he cand she
They were they

hello
Said a broken voice
She wanted love
She wanted someone

hello is somoene there?
Said a scarred soul
Why did it happen
Why is she scarred

please help me
Whispered a tormented voice
To a hidden saviour
That would never help her

please
Said a broken soul
A soul broken
By broken promises

just leave me alone
Said a condemned voice
To the monsters in her head
Her broken head

..........
She said nothing
For nothing was left to say
Except

GOODBYE

"it was a mistake"
thats what she said
how could it be a mistake
right afterwards i asked her
if she felt it
"felt what" she responded
the undeniable fact that we belong together
"yes " she said in a voice coated with hidden lies

whats wrong i asked
"i think it was a mistake" responded the *****

YES IT WAS

Society
You did it
                    Whatever it is
It hurts
It burns
It lies
It destroys

Society
You did it
                    Whatever it is
It shows the truth
To blind eyes
It hides the truth
From sharp gazes

Society
You did it
                    Whatever it is
Lies upon lies
Truth behind the wall
Secrets exposed
To those who don't understand

Society
You did it
                    Whatever it is

IT IS SOCIETY

my thoughts
my infinity thoughts
grasp
grasp at my soul
and tear it apart

my thoughts
my infinity toughts
wrench
wrench at my soul
and tear it apart

my thoughts
my infinity thoughts
tear
tear at my soul
and destroy me

my thoughts
my infinity thoughts
grasp my soul
and tear it away from sanity

Tim loved playing games. He always pretended that he was a hero and that he killed all the evil monsters. He would stroll through an entire army of them with a sword and **** them. They could never hurt him! He was invincible!

One particular day after killing 6 amies he came across a differnet type of monster. This one was not like the others. It was bigger! It’s claws were sharper! It’s eyes were beyond evil! Despite himself Tim gave a shudder of fear. Then he charged and with one swipe of his sword scarlet blood splashed and the monster lay dead! For some reason Tim was tired, very tired! He looked across the land and saw an army of monsters. With the arrogance of a tyrant he charged!

they were all dead! He looked behind him. 7 armies of monsters, slaughtered like lambs , lay dead behind him. He didn’t know why he killed them and he felt empty and cold. His worst fears were at the front of his mind. Something about those eyes made him shiver! In a sudden urge of anger he screamed! It was then that he realized that he didn’t like this anymore. He wanted to stop, stop everything . he wanted to leave! Yet he merely killed another 3 armies!

He was so tired now! He had killed over 10 million monsters . he cried out to the sky because he was lonely and scared, but only his mind responded because nobody else was there. And he didn’t like it. His mind scared him!it told him things, things he didn’t want to hear or do. He became something he didn’t like. A body and a mind. They wee separate yet bonded. He retained control over a small part of his mind , but the rest was something else! He called it : GOD

“**** THEM!” screamed God
Although he didn’t want to, he did. God was strong and Tim was weak. So he layed about him with death, ruin, and destruction. He did it without thinking. He could barely think anyway. He didn’t really have a mind anymore .
“**** THEM” screamed God
With every new bunch of monsters god’s mental voice ripped through his body. Yet again he obeyed God. Against his will he obeyed him.

He sat. he could not do anything anymore.
“**** THEM, **** THEM ALL” shrieked God
Yet he just sat. he would **** no more. He wanted to leave. The monsters closed in, and he smiled. He found it funny. After killing 34 million monsters he only die at the hands of 3.
“PLEASE **** THEM” begged God
With a big smile on his face and happiness in his heart he said the one word he was never able of saying before.
NO!!

“GOD DIED JUST AS TIM LAUGHED AND CRIEDAT HIS OWN PAIN AND DEATH” said God

I look at the moon
Veiled by clouds
Dark and foreboding
It reminds me of my soul
It is bright and beautiful
But it is veiled by the clouds of society
Let the clouds move
PLEASE