i wake up a few times
in your room
in the quiet dark
an unfamiliar place
and yet i settle down and ease up
when i open my eyes and see
your soft hair,
your sleeping face.
i pull myself in closer to you,
the need to write buzzing at my fingertips
but i dont want to lose any time.
so instead,
quietly,
i lay and watch you, comfortable and content in your rest.
i close my eyes,
bury my face in your chest.
your arms come up around me in your sleep
and it feels like my heart is being torn apart.
blossoming open and making space for more love.
looking at you is an entirely unique experience
of emotion and exhilaration.
new emotions flood me, not yet named.
something grows within me
permeates and overflows, an outpouring of something akin to love but that is so much more
than just that.
i close my eyes again and sleep comes easy.
i wish this time with you would never end,
that i could stay dreaming in your arms forever.
i wish i could tell you how much i love you.
but its an impossible task.
how do you name something evergrowing?
how do you quantify the unquantifiable?
words and actions could never come close.
but i hope they can suffice.
satisfy that hunger in your veins,
the ache in your heart that begs for things real and true.
my heart aches for you
lurching forward, pulling me towards you.
undeniable attractive and love and lust and love again.
to lay in your arms is to know love at its purest form

i feel sick
as though ive torn into something raw and ******
and ate from it greedily, gluttonous as ever.
the taste of raw meat, sharp and metallic
sticks to my top left molar. it whispers to me that i am all i will ever be. that this is the best to come and that everything else is destined to be dogshit.
when i get home
i will get a pair of pliers
and yank that molar out of my mouth
and hunch over the kitchen sink
heaving great sobs into the drain barely heard under the whirring of the garbage disposal
blood will pour forth from my mouth and i will do my best not to choke.
tomorrow the sink will be clean
my stomach will be empty
my molar still gone, a ****** hole in its place
and a heavy weight in my chest
but today my top left molar is whispering to me
truths that arent made to be shared
and i cant wait to get home

you sit there, beautiful, a soft smile playing on your lips
and i cant help but lean in and kiss them, kiss every inch of your exposed flesh
your name repeats endlessly in my heart,
a steady rhythm, a loving tune
my fingers twitch, longing for you to entangle your fingers in mine
you blossom in the soft glowing light
and it is a marvel to see, a dream turned reality.
i miss you every moment we spend apart,
you follow me into a restful sleep, into my dreams.
you reach out and touch my face
i find myself unconsciously leaning further into your touch
falling deeper in love

the warm glow of your candle illuminates us in a small, dark room
i catch your reflection in the water in the tub and cant help but smile before meeting your eyes
shadows flicker on the bathroom walls
jhariah sings to us through your alexa and you hum along
i lean in for a kiss, it's full of wanting.
love, pleasure and joy intermingling
i hope you can feel it in the weight of my gaze,
in our shared smiles,
with every touch and kiss.
any lingering bits of self doubt wash away with the warm water lapping against our skin.
you move over to my side of the tub and i hold you and i feel loved, full of love for you
i forget to blink, wanting to remain in this space with you as long as possible
but my eyelids flicker shut with every kiss we share
i sink into your arms and feel safe, at ease
every minute spent with you feels right, natural, as though this is what im meant to be doing. that you are someone im supposed to know.
tomorrow i will have to go home, but here in this moment i dont think of home, my thoughts consumed by you, by finding more ways to tell and show you how much i love you

in the quiet of my room
i mourn the person i used to be
and the person i could have been
i ache over the past
and agonize over an uncertain future
that i dont even know i will see

i cling to my stuffed animals
the same ones ive had since i was a baby
and wonder if time passes the same for them
do they remember 20 years worth of nights.
how many tears are soaked into their faux fur
they look so different these days
worn and loved to literal bits.
patches of missing fur, decades of stains.
the once fluffy Lovey, now a limp sack of fluff,
beloved.

when i am loved will i become worn out and faded
will i see the evidence of each hug and kiss pressed into my skin.

i dont know if i will make it that long.
another 20 years and what will i have to show?
these past two decades have shown me far more harm than love.

theres an abundance of uncertainty that lies in my future. i dont know who i am, or where im going. i dont know what i want.
i wish i could find it in myself to cry, but what is there to cry over?

im mourning a person that didn't exist.
an idea that nobody even had, not even me.

when she moves
she moves like water
she becomes a part of the earth, a limb extending from the universe and pulling me in
when she laughs
the stars shine a little brighter
illuminating the paths we took to get here
both merging into one shared future
when she smiles
my chest fills with warmth and giddiness
all i can do is stare.
and when she speaks my heart soars, beating loud enough for all to hear.
she twirls me around and i feel like the moon, orbiting around the earth
dancing in circles around the one i love
her arms feeling like heaven
and shes calling me home
back to her i always return,
a lovers embrace invoking a higher self
when im with her all feels right
each kiss, an admission, a proclamation of my love
when she dances
the world comes to a stand still,
time slows for a few moments,
beckoning me to stay.
everything falls away and all i see is her
radiant, and beautiful
i watch her reverently
and pray to the universe for a future at her side

Suicidal thoughts that i know i'll never act upon
Yet they pop in my head and haunt me each night
Thoughts of overdosing on all of my medicines become so strong
That i take 15 benadryl once a week
Because if i dont im afraid
That my impulses will be so strong
That i might actually take my only life
Because i can't trust myself to think straight
At night
I can't trust myself to do what's right
So i spend my nights in a haze
Hoping that the benadryl will make me too sluggish to form my own thoughts
And too slow to move my limbs
That way i know
I will be stuck on the floor
But i won't be dead

Suicidal thoughts that plague me each day
Until i feel i've expended my last breath
On useless things like stupid poetry that nobody will ever read
On ****** drawings of flowers
On stories that keep me up all night because i lack the motivation to finish
Anything that i've started.

Stupid talks with my friends where they waste their pity
On my decaying mind

I know they don't really care
They don't listen when i speak
They don't read my texts
They ignore the things that i try to express
And they treat me like ****
Like my sadness is a personal offense

I listen to them
I notice the signs
I get what they try to convey
Always without complaint

But listening to me
Is a chore that nobody wants
Lord knows i'm just a degenerate

Suicidal thoughts that glide in and slip out
Like the waxing and waning of the moon
Like the tide brought forth on cold and warm days

Suicidal thoughts that never truly end,
But when it's time to talk to my psychiatrist
My mouth is shut
And my mind is closed
And my tongue is locked in position
My voice bubbling and trying to break free
But my lips stay sealed and silent
The clacking of my teeth but not a word comes out

In and out i go
I say what they want to hear

Here
Im fine
Im here
Im great
I don't need medicine

My depression is cured
And anxiety gone
But thats wrong
Wrong
Wrong

I wake up each day
Choking
My chest tightening
My throat constricting
Drowning in a pool of sweat

My eyes won't open
Im dead
Im dead
Im dying
At least i'm trying

My body wants to die
It enforces my mind

I'm not supposed to be alive.


Suicidal thoughts
They never really leave

But i refuse to go away

I refuse to tell
Because i know that if i do
I will truly be alone
And everybody will forget
My voice
My face
Nobody will remember
My screams
Because im screaming hopelessly into a void of nothingness
And nobody can hear
I scream louder and louder
Hoping
Someone will listen
But it's the void
Nobody cares
Nobody hears
Nobody knows

Im screaming


Hear me
See me
please
Just listen for once


But the wind carries my voice far away
And nobody knows

I'll turn to dust
Drift away
Soft and quiet
Gone without complaint

Suicidal thoughts
But i won't follow through
Because if i stay long enough
My voice might reach out far enough
To give at least one person hope
One person reason
To stay.

Because i have lived for fictional characters
I live for words
Words that write me in and out of history
And the people will remember my name some day
Somebody out there will look back on what i've written
And they will connect
And believe and understand the way i feel
And they will be free

Because if i can inspire the way that authors have in my life
If i can make somebody think
And breathe and feel
And see

It will all be worth it



Or maybe it won't