i do a lot of free writing and venting on here

this is not who i am as a poet

i have moments on here, but it's not my best

i've had some poems published and most publishers don't accept
previously published works

a lot of my stuff on here is sappy, trite, or just weird
i think it has value, but again, not my best

thanks for appreciating my work, such a great community to be a part of, so many talented writers, you guys are great <3

keep writing!

In he comes,
Saying:
"Really?
You liked my work that much?
Well, it was never finished, but
There you go."

Like he's pedaling some kind of ghost bicycle
I don't know
I'm really out of my depth here.

The depth of your ineptitude--
Uncalloused skin is a lie.
The world is my callous,
And i am not so sensitive.

I know death like the back of my hand
For every disgusting swine that said i'm not cultured enough
I haven't read enough books
I haven't listened to enough of Gabriel's pointless rambling--
I know death like the back of my hand

And i am the master of this universe,
Not you,
Though you may be some high, or re-processed version of myself
You cannot be anything except me
Because i am everything

And if i have made you my *****
I have made myself my *****,
So *******.

I am the best poet here,
Though you may disagree,
I am also the only audience,
Though this may appear strange to me!

Karen will not be allowed
To speak to a manager
Because
She is not even real
A ***** in the Wind

Since we met, I've become awakened to the notion
That your scent permeates the world.

Little flowers blossom into my day:
Glistening thoughts, honey
The state of Oregon, the words of strangers.

And that certain aroma wafts up to my brain,
And creation celebrates itself in my synapses.

And when you come around--
When you are actually there,
Impossibly strong and delicate at the same time,
Loud as heaven's trumpets and yet the softest whisper of time,
Before my very eyes...
It all makes sense.

That the sweetest things in life,
The strange little flowers
The wafting scent on the breeze
Were sent from the short girl
With easy brown eyes
And long, bushy brown hair
To tell me she loves me
And wants to crawl up into my bed beside me
And fall asleep in my arms.

You smile at me like a thousand ages.

Your face is more interesting than Mona Lisa's--
I know it is the very heart of the universe.

I tell you it is enigmatic, your face
How It looks so different from different angles
And the sound of my words bounces around the room
Vibrates the tiny bones in your ear
And you smile tensely
Like the finest string of some celestial instrument.

Drinking coffee at three in the morning
The very heart of the universe beats in song
She takes in medium and exhales melody
She is Kate, she is Kathryn, she is Clarity. A hard worker. A great masterpiece of Time.

And who would ever hurt you?
You, who speaks so softly
You, who just wants to witness the love of humanity
You, with a laugh that life surely came to craft.

And i can't believe it--
You shoot a hand out over the wooden table
For me to hold.

And we are alone,
Here in this yellow kitchen
In my parents' house
Alive
Your bushy brown hair
Your golden brown eyes

touch me any way you will
just don't take my queen
she's sleeping there in the bed
my heart laid beside hers in the other room
enslaved to her whims in the infinite. stars,
reaching out to her from
across the universe--

she works hard.
to give life to me and to her
she pours her cup
--of blood--
into mine

i smile

i almost can't take it

i start
to come apart

Piggy back ride
Over the mud
When I was the rain
The dirt that I changed

Well it was alright
I was insane
You were so kind
To stay, and you stayed

Rain on my mind
Can't stop the rain
Won't stop the rain,
I stayed and I stayed

You understood,
I kept it at bay
You were my hero
Again and again.

angel,
wake me up again
get in my blood
and make me believe the way i did
when i was a kid

if you had a time lapse,
it'd hurt you in your soul to see
to see what has happened
what's happened to me

is it your fault or mine?
i don't want to fight
get in my blood and heal me now
or i'll **** YOUR LITTLE BOY

our stuttering lungs
fall short of Breath
fluttering tongues
with bodies pressed

ease in and out
life and death
but where is death?
it's in our hands.

we must be pressing around it
pushing it down
somewhere between us
it is infinitesimal.

grasping to unbutton your jeans,
i am the fingers tearing through the keys

and long shifts at boring jobs
mean red trails on my back

tonight, it is the blood of the first bite that i crave the most.

slipping into you, just through the door
(and i can feel it now)
having broken the code and spoken that language
with my body, from its heart
with my searching fingers

with fluttering music

knowing the great adventure that lives inside you...

Da da da,
Da da da da da,
Da da da da da da da,

******* IT'S ME.

waste it waste it waste it waste it
bash my stash against the wall
crash crash crash
i'm gonna waste it all down
smash smash smash
i'm gonna clown around til i'm a
pile of ash

A sour soup of chemicals
Makes life acidic, astringent
To the bilious mind of an addict.

The half-witted steps were stolen,
Stolen from the floorboards!
But not without a great moan--

They never asked to be involved in any of this.

The sensation of separate complices
A summation of neural activites,
Wherein lies the experience,
Out of which unfolds an impossible self
Into which leaks a necessitated calamity

You are a walking catastrophe
Better stick to harmony
Best to learn some theory
Blue note, blue note, rest.

Sin is water
Hence, my ****** reflection
From the same bath comes love
Always in need of another.

But it's all just moving parts--

I've tried to imbue myself with science
But stability won't fit
My raw form rebels against its own reason
I become discouraged,
My head falls.

I'm sorry,
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry,
All the way down.

My missed marks are red,
I can't wash them off
My stupid face sags in the mirror slow,
I hold myself accountable.

To understand and err so much is frustrating
But to be the man on the cusp has been exhilarating
I may never be the white foam of the wave but I was the water at the base...
And it crashed down on pride and wiped my life all away.

Not the one of flesh and bone.
The one whose steel legs pick the world clean,
Clean as American washing machines
The one whose banks are fortresses of power
With all the rats orbiting around them
With the best rat home you'd imagine

The one who made good and evil your brother and sister,
Manifest dragons biting each other's necks
Scales flashing like neighbors and corporate logos

Mindful man trapped in a cultural cell,
Vicious man with reins in both hands.

Not just the world cascaded from them,
But the actual cave inscriptions and fossilized love of generations,
Their ***** deeds and misgivings,
Evil experiments and slave-drivings
Their war-mongering and capless greed
Their style and their flicking tongues.

Don't be so mesmerized by the screen.
Don't be so naive.
Know your mother well,
You won't always be so green.

It's deviant-mediocre
I'd dare to write "dark motivate"
And wanly type a lazy poem
No-- i mean it, and what it means to me
Fervent
Pointed
Depressed.

Statement,
You wouldn't understand
Couldn't understand
No matter how much you love

Kurt was right, empathy is weird like that. It's sort of a waste of time.

I'm all alone. I am going to die alone.
But I'm not really sad, I couldn't capture it all in some poem.
And look at all this other good writing
I don't always care, tell me it's not poetry,
fodder.

You're a stone like the moon
Mottled with fated freckles
Nestled in her hand, feeling the vibrations of an alien language

We're talking about what an idiot you are.
Foggy mornings, lost in thought
Pizza and ranch dressing for breakfast.
Pajama pants, dewy grass
The cream and sugar coffee palette bath,
And...
Sink.

The wide plane of stratus drifting overhead
Like the biggest, silliest hat in the universe.

You're an ape wearing fuzzy socks.
And you're best friends with a dog.
You're a polyp lost in a storm of thoughts.
You're a garden full of moss.

You're a dreamer with a purpose.
You're a singer in a band.
You're a trekker on a journey,
You're a stone inside my hand.

I can't sink down into safety
Deep inside my bones
Lay them in a pile on the floor,
But I have to pick them up
Learn to be a bones virtuoso
Inject the muscles with blood,
And stir the music up.

Restart my brain, let it bleed the right way
I'm unraveling fate from the palette of myself
But to sit in stagnant color,
I have learned that is a waste.
It is not safe,
Though I languidly love the taste.

I wanna kick intertia's *** so hard
It forgets its existence

I wanna cross a couple things
Off of my personal wish list

I do not care about the cost of it,
I'm freestyle living

So when they come for me
I'll blush and tell them merry christmas

I
will not
Be well
Behaved
Tonight
I'm not
The worst
But I wanna be satisfied

And I
Don't have
The juice tonight
But my imagination's strong

These days I try to speak
But it always comes out wrong

Whatever color Penelope's dress is
today--
Life is just as absurd as high fashion.
She rises, she rises, she rises up your spine
Like a spider
Because we like what we like for good reasons
But we all know that's empty
Well, not really empty but it's just what you are,
So there is that, whatever that is.

So it gives you this suspenseful feeling, you know,
Almost like a spider creeping.

Because we know it's empty.

Or, whatever.

it's too cold inside,
outside,
so i stuff some food
to keep a warm spot
for good measure

i keep a candle lit, like it's whatever.

crossfaded crucifix
i can't be a loser if
i keep bleeding blue

and she wants a sip
she wants a trip
to the *******
moon

//

i'm losing faith
yes,
i'm slipping away
as i slather these substances
tripping all over you

these muted tones
just turn to stone
when they reach my ******* center.

your muted tones
just turn to stone
when they touch my ******* center.

i guess one day i'll get better.
i guess one day i'll get better

these muted tones
just turn to stone
when they reach my ******* center.

You have me surrounded,
but I'm staying in the house.

It won't be forever,
I will snap at you to be patient again,
I will try so hard
And I will run back, to a different home
A little older.

I will repeat the process
Of half-trying to fulfill my ideals
With a wonky bipolar brain
Until I die,
Which will leave you with an odd story
And a very large selection of strange, emotional
quotes.

You will have taken part in my ******,
Once having been a reason
I took another breath.

This radio static is like a thousand tiny kisses on my ear drums,
A memory is just a tool,
A romance is a dream come true
And I am allowed to eat today.

Let's stop smoking cigarettes
Their weak high is not worth the cancer
Nor their flimsy little hooks,
Let's stop wasting time we know
Would be better spent
On a better life
Let's stop taking candy
And start a better diet
Let's stop all the things
We know we should stop.

I
hope
you
Know
that
I
am
the
one
who
opens
all
your
letters.

This
one­'s
in
second
Person.

You watched them tear clumps of flesh from her heaving frame
Watched them inject the novocaine
And hired men bring it to them
Saw her silver eyes give out and fill back up with life,
Heard her singing in showers, ignorant of strife

You walked along the behemoth figure and found the other head
Saw them drop it off at the maw and saw him swallow pieces of her whole
His golden eyes afire with greed
Never satisfied, looking nowhere but inside and gleaming without feeling

Your ****** tantrums splashed in between
Heard by ears but never rising to a round
Your skin flashed white and then red
An S.O.S. call witnessed by multitudes but seen only by you
The music you made was swept up and fed to him too
The wave you swept across the sea falling to utter tendency

The raw conglomerate of our bodies left a small but true ***** of resentment for itself
And we were all stuck in our separate cells
Giving and feeding, taking and eating
Loving and bleeding in the black expanse.

At least she saw the fire when,
At least she drank some better blend.

Although i hope its just a drought
The magic's turning into doubt

Hey
What's wrong?
Come down
Into my cozy warmth
My snuggly reassurance
That everything will be alright
Mindfulness, dear
You know everything
Is going to be okay
Just hold on.

It's going to be okay.

life wanting death,
in the form of swirling detest
oh, the sincerest...
no, wait-- just a minute--
laugh
at the end of a long, dark tragedy

life wanting death
two halves and one chest
and it sure doesn't matter
to me.

i'd lie first, but when will you see?
i'd die, and then who would you be?

Our manners are English,
Our minds are like wild horses.

I hold you like my tongue holds sugar, it's wrong

You are more than chemical
We are special animals

I hold you like my tongue holds sugar
It's sweet.
It's honest
It's animal
It's chemical.

I broke my mind on the world
And so much poured out
And it's bitter
And gray

But some of the soup was sharp
And had taste.

To turn on--

You turn me on, I shouldn't
Take you for granted--
You know,
I'd never cheat.
I hold you like my tongue holds sugar
It's deep
It's good
It's right
It's sweet.

I think it's funny how we've always been here but you just can't reconcile me.
How can you have such bitterness for me and not yourself,
If you have angel's eyes to see?

And I guess you'll say i just don't understand.
Or that I couldn't possibly understand.
Or that I do understand and that's what you don't like about me.

Oh, just know...
You are my cash cow until we run out of money
Then I'll still be drinking milk and honey
When I delude myself in tasting my own blood.

Because you make me so uncomfortable
And that is the work that feels so functional
Until the winds die down
Or the world explodes
And you're a cyst that's lost in time
The collected stone of our resentment for one another
And the way it has to be.

There is a very excited energy
That you are able to leverage through not being me

Yes, I've seen it,
The pure rage and resentment that it should be this way.

"Who is that man?
I will not forfeit my energy for that loser, I want no part in it!"

...

Believe me when I say, the sentiment is reflected in my jet black body, too.

And honestly, I'm happy for you, though I know you don't care.

It's very strange, because you are entangled with me after all.

Of course I get jealous,
Why was I disallowed from that identity?

And it hurts when you brag about it.

You always "cheat on me," and I end up being painted however it goes. It's not right...

This summer I will be a corpse
And you will be the beautiful world
I'll be devoid of you, you'll flirt with my body
By no means like you have before

I'm not a boy
You're just a *****
With your little fruits of trickery
You sicken me. You sicken me.

With lurid thoughts of what you're worth
They all will pass
You are worth
The black return

The wordless swathes were lyric to him.
The woman, years and miles between
Her blurry prospect racked that brain
How like sweet time!
How like his bones...
And I can feel them scraping one another.
Making music, against the will of God
No, with it. No, against it.

!

The devil, creeping through the floorboards
Giving chase to peace and sleep
Pulling him down from his right form
Writing confusion into his blood.

Finding himself love again
In every little pebble on the path to the shed
In the grass and the sun
In the smell of the summer
And the simplex formed by his feet and his head.

Oh, what a wretched and beautiful thing it is,
To be alive tonight.

Little thorns come for me everyday
They press into my skin
And leave me bleeding

They are inconsequential
Never murderers, even so
It's hard to call them friends--

It's not that hard to let them go.

I liked your status
in 2007
I didn't know how ****** we were then

I can't fit the world in my head
Can't fit the world in my head
If I could, it would explode
And all the people would come back
And we'd just be here again

But don't... take myy word for it.

These days I wanna stay in bed, and
I just need a place to dissolve my head in

I can't fit the world in my head
Can't fit the world in my head
And so some things don't belong.
I think one of them's this song

And if you think you can mess with me, you're wrong.
I'm the only thing around for miles and miles.
And if some of them seem minor
Then I'm sure to make it major

So don't front you love it, **** my bones are strong.

Everything I used to want to learn broke
But they still let me ride the same wave.

So I guess you'd say I'm saved
But my Spanish ain't too great.
And I'm fading glory, some things don't add up.

I guess I should change my **** perspective
I guess that's how you get to heaven
But I'll never get back to 2007

I guess I could change my **** perspective
Hey isn't that how you get to heaven?
So I'm never dying, I'm staying here forever.

Black tendrils dress my head
And wild hair grows out to meet them.

Where was that dark place where you met your end?
It was in the light.

Which you turned white
And black, and everything in between.

These black tendrils reach out and curl around
Daggers of white light, put them to work.

And where all the light came from,
Was it not the dark place where you met your fatal end?

I see the vacancy in you,
The Fatal Friend.

I see the fullness of you,
I feel cells trapping the wonder for my own taste
And I am right.

The Kingdom is mine

Something taken for granted is inevitable,
I gobble up what i'm granted
But I must have missed something
So my flesh-- it is edible.

Sometimes I think
I'd like to give It a snack,
Call it quits
Because I just feel like such an *******.

My tendency for weakness is staggering
My legs are strong
But at the same time, staggering
And I want to let their disapproval punch a hole straight through my life

Sure, they'd say they didn't want me dead
But life is a parasite unto itself
And I'm sure they mean it
But I'm much more certain
They mean everything,

What if that meant I'd take my life?

Kiss up to the sun
Give it back all your love
We were wild for a while
Then we gave back all our love

What's wrong with the system?
Nothing. It's on the way
Like a nice cut of steak
On the way from my plate

Day's decline on the leaves,
Gilded hairs on the eaves
Of your eyes, facing west
How you break on the crest.

On the edge, on the edge
Streams wind to me
All the love that you gave
The mind as a haven.

Day declines all the leaves
Heavy eve breaking eyes
And the house falls apart,
It collapses my heart.

On the edge, oh the edge...!
Streams are winding from me
All the hurt that you sell...
The mind as a cell.

Something that you know is good,
But the layers peeled away
Stripped down to her very naked purity
She bears herself,
Infinite,
Reflexive,
Eternally widowed and made to re-marry
She breaks you down
She makes you a man

She ruins you

Spun rocks out of gas
And slung through the sky
You and I
Just particles in a cosmic dance

What a chance,
What a mystery
That turns on our eyes,
Rhodopsin receptors,
Take off your pants

You harmonic chamber of animus
With resonance that is infinite
Fill up my cup with your love
Let me drink it in well-severed kisses

They are sharp points of the softest element
Raindrops of human elegance
Falling from heaven
Landing on the fields and the fires of my heart
Making it grow,
Making it hssssss.

You, the return of Noah's dove,
Me, looking for a place I could chill
You found my finger and gave me chills
It can be hard to find love in the storm of my skull
But to find a lover like you,
Love itself would ****.

Lover, lover--
Never know another
Freedom is as freedom does
So buy yourself a govern

Meant whatever
It was I said,
Meant what I built
And meant what I bled
Sent you a letter
Spent my lead
On anything but thunder

Lover, lover
The major and the minor
Nature leads with maiden hand,
Deployed a void designer

Lover, lover
My clumsy hands are cold
They fail your beauty far too often
But I've got this hand to hold

The springtime asked me to touch her soft petals,
I gushed with pleasure to be such a lucky soul
We shared the kinds of secrets you only tell your love
Then laid under the sky
And thought about what life was

The sky was heavy
But we were strong enough to swim in it
We were born to a fortune
With strange types of currency

Yes, I love your body as you swim
You can count on mine
To pull yours in

I slow dance with Circumstance
She looks on me with even calm,
Sickly disdain and pure love, puncturing the moment

I listen to love songs,
And my lover is Time.

I wish I was The Weeknd slow dancing with
A fine woman
I wish Pete Wentz would just come our of the woods and save my ***
Buy me a truckload of music equipment
And everything I need
I have piles of these desperate wishes saved up in my soul

Because I feel too brilliant to be down this far
I feel mixed up in my circumstance

So I tell her I love her
Tell her I mean well
But I figure I'm just as ambivalent as she

I listen to love songs
And my lover is Time

I want to be looked on fondly by the future
I want to be remembered
But there are so many other people.

i've spent my life lolling about,
taking easy roads to pastel-colored beds
tangling limbs,
rubbing skin with the seasons.

i've slurped at the nectar of writhing ****
with the fullness of the night sky behind me

and as she swooned,

i felt the moon watch my ignorant head,
felt the moon fill with suspense as i rejected the sun:

i've poured water all over the papier-mâché goddess
and slept on top of soggy lumps
in a cement box,
an idiot vandal.

and i thought about life.
and i told you about my thoughts.

so i stay moored and safe, mom & dad
i stay
deep beneath the waves,
scrubbing months of crud from the decks.

and the moon is heading for the churning sea
and the fragile cradle of my dreams is going down...

i'm thinking it is time
to sew a new season--
and turn the rest green
with unrivaled verdance.

so i turn to the ***** noctis
and start gently

the culture rises to meet insanity
kisses it on the cheek, says
you're just like me
and that's all it was
and science's triumph is drowned in the vast sea of nil

if the mind is the world let it be paradigm:
sanity, then insanity
self stability and unsustainability
two categories married by one essence
divorced, but with too intense a history to stay apart.

(let's say in the corner a child is playing with blocks)

now she still holds her head high in the forum
still looks down her nose at the lost ones
still gives herself cancer without understanding why
still gets naked and public and ends up in the papers
you dig?

but she clings to herself in so many cells,
she's got a social media account for that.
she draws a line from herself to herself, and
that will be all right.

see, you are like me. and that is okay.
but it sends shivers down her spine
like a strange, strange wave
there's something new she has to swallow
like a grave grave grave

The meetings with genius became less frequent,
It was a cruel joke
My ex was trying to tell me
I wasn't trying to hear it
I'm not a genius
I'm an insane, rambling fool

Brown seawater rushes around me
It is random and fatal and known to me only
It does not contain cosmic secrets
Just unforgiving, icy cold

It is the men who keep above the crushing waves
Who can speak to be remembered
That is self respect,
That is true honor.

But still,
I sing to them with lungs full of water.