I live in reality
I dream in fantasy.
So what were you?
Real or a dream.

Round 1

I wished for the latter,
Because in reality
You were my first dream
Come true.

So real, so real that I'm reminded
That the pain you've caused me
Is just as real.
I wish you were a dream.

Round 2

Then I'd be happy everyday,
When sleep comes.
Instead of loathing in pain
At the despair that is my everyday nightmare.

I spent so much time
Indulging in the fantasy
That in reality
I was deluded to the stakes.

Round 3

My heart, my pride, my worth, my love
Were all in,
Gambling my all
While all you had
To bet was insecurity and a bus ticket for the ride.

A ride that saw me fold so much,
I lost it all anyway.
Now standing at the table,
With uncertainty and insecurity in my pocket.
The new definition of my worth,
Seeing as my pride was discarded
My heart torn so you could have a momento
My love ignored in favor of the thrill.

Round 4

I was a thrill. A side show theatre production.
Enjoyable and clearly cheap.
A memory that will fade after a moment.
Glad to have been of service.

But where does that leave me.
Trapped in my reality, ashamed and afraid of the Fantasy.
In Reality I still believe in the Fantasy,
I still believe in Love.
How could I not when i had it.
Unfortunately I just don't believe in the fantasy,
Of Love ever being returned.

Round 5

I've lost. Pathetic.
Not even 12 rounds
Reality has won
Fantasy can dream on.

Happiness, defined by you.
In A whole new world.
I was left captivated by you,
So surreal.

I still remember them,
The Times, when my smile
Was yours.
I still feel it at random.

When you dress code was plain,
But i sew beauty, your jewels.
Those eyes once sparkled,
Diamond bright for me, now dimmed.

My smile on display,
My joy was real as
The effect you have on me now,
Times when you'd smile.

My pet name, Smith,
generic but special.
Special to you, made it special for me.
It was yours.

Mrs. Smith

I miss it,
I miss you.
The sound of your voice
The touch of your skin
I'm tormented constantly.

To see your beautiful smile,
To see my smile.
On your face
Where i felt it belonged.

The menu is limited,
Your my only option.
The decision yours,
Now I starve.

I can't share your smile,
Not anymore.
I'm afraid that once I do.
I will have finally lost it.
Lost you and Forgotten you.

Move on without you.

So i paint, my talent.
My smile is painted,
To hide my torn canvas
From you.
My muse and my torturer.

My happiness returns
And leaves.
Flowing with life and despair
Pushing and pulling in waves.

I look to you.
For My smile,
Smile for me
If only once.

Set me free,
On heavens road.
I'm damaged and ******,
You've made me comfortable.

In my hell.

Then shall my Dreams,
Be pleasant, if only for a while.
Just smile.
For now, i need it.
Even if it's not for me.
I'll find joy, somewhere, eventually
Without it, without you.

My worlds joy,
Bearer of My Smile.

Numb.

The experience, is intoxicating.
The ability to feel...Nothing.
Oh wow
The wonders, I've found

In spirits not related to ghosts of a past wonton to forget, the percentage is helpful.
The closer to 100%, the closer to completion, the closer to 100% poisoned.

In smoke not caused by outbreak fires, it fills my lungs, take up empty space inside.
The effect is shown to be temporary, the warmth never lasts but then why stop when it comes in packs
Or is that not advertisement

In the nightlife, when stars are king and blacked out color to my senses, ***** day always comes.
My time is short, 8hrs, such a shame i have to wait 16 hours to start again.

Such wonders numb me to my senses, yet still i continue
It is not enough

Such wonders numb me to my restraints, inhibitions are slowly lost, yet still i continue
It is not enough

Such wonders numb me to reality, days are lost, traded for daydreams, yet still I continue
It is not enough

Day in, then day out
It is never enough
To be numb

Because it fails to numb the pain,
I write these words, not because I can't speak them
I'm just currently not able to, i have not lost my voice... you see my tongue has gone numb.

For

I just have my heart stuck in my throat.

Angel oh angel.
25th day of the 3rd month
The date that you became
My peace, your beauty revealed

But you we're without wings
I swore to carry you high,
A bit closer to heaven.
I weighed your burden with smile.

Angel, oh Angel.
4th day of the 4th month
The date that you broke
My pain, your beauty marred.

By tears, overriden with guilt
You don't love me,
I fell a down, a bit closer to hell.
Heart broken, you're not my burden anymore.

Angel, oh Angel
Angelic was your nature.
Revelling in peace
Without burden.

Angel, oh Angel
Look down upon me,
Your burden has sunk me
Unleashed the greatest demon i know.

Me.
I was quiet for so long,
Holding you up
Was my peace
Your burdens gave me peace.

Now Angel you seek peace
Without me, bearing the weight
Carrying your burdens alone.

You've left your mark
My nature revealed.
As a beast of peace
With the beauty of burdens.

A demon capable of love.
Willing to love freely.
Still condemned to never
Know love in return.

That is me
My greatest Demon.

I was alone, no place truly felt like home
I met people, but held no connection
I walked, basically, wallowed for days
Slowly days became weeks
Weeks into months
Months transformed into years.

But i was bound by solitude, living out of servitude, because life would be wasted,
With or without purpose.
I was blind, not by reality nor in faith
But in ignorance, that life could mean something.

With Jaded Eyes I'd look to the sky, blue but my soul grey.
Uttered words without aim or perseverance
"Give me a blessing"
Yet life continued, the same rhythm never ending.
Until a change, an unexpected one
A feared one.

She smiled, she beguiled and she pierced what i once thought dead.
A silent heart beat, erratically
I loved,
I loved long, hard, intimately, passionately and earnestly.
I defined dedication.

Slowly days turned to weeks
Weeks into months
Months transformed to years,
3, 3 years living in love,
Living with a new rhythm,
The beat so melodic.

Now.

History repeats, a change introduced,
I loved, she didn't, she pierced
what now lived.
A happy heart now bleeds,
I cried long, hard, desperately, painfully and earnestly.
I defined broken.

With Dead Eyes I'd look to the sky, grey but my soul shattered.
Uttered words with anger and hate
"You took my blessing"
It rained like the tears along my face,
The wind blew with an answer, hidden.

'She was not your blessing. You were hers.'

'Your time will come.'

Slowly the days will turn to weeks
Those weeks into months
Then months transformed to years
Still i walk, so listen
With clear eyes and an open soul
I speak to you.
Wherever you are.
If you are out there, then.

So am I

Dear Blessing of mine

Love.
Your Blessing.

You never forget your first.
Oh hush, Sentimental *******.
Your first was just an indication,
That many more will come.

People still, confused
By realistic truths.
How many of your firsts do you remember
How many firsts were your lasts.

Childish, i know, the perfect comparison.
Eyes bloodshot, leaked crimson.
You cry now out of instinct,
You can neither remember the first or guarantee that this will be the last.

As a child, the first time you did something,
That thrilled you.
You automatically wanted to do it again,
Or was that me exclusively.

We are creatures of habit.

My first kiss, received several more after that.
My first Love, felt my love on several occasions.
My first heartbreak, she still breaks me to this day.
So many firsts were given to my First.

She's in a way special,
I remember the Love that i held for her.
Yet I feel it not.
At the same time, She's irrelevant
she won't be the last one.

I'll never have to forget my last,
Well because she'll want to leave,
But love me more.
We'll be fools together.

Intense lovers,
Best of friends,
Worst of enemies.
Significant titles we will carry.

I'll fight against her, if only for her.
My messed up sensible logic.
She'll yell to be clear, then apologize
For yelling, never what she said.
Unsympathetically honest.

We'll break each other's hearts more times than anyone else.
In ways our firsts never could,
But she'll never abandon her Love for her creation,
So she rebuilds what she broke.

Kissing the scars left behind with temperance, faded are the phantom pains.
For she is more, never less.
Her intentions clear.

She worries not of her first
Nor mine.
Because 1st place was the race to be forgotten,
Her intentions are telling.

Every experience unique.
For the last time
Eternal
Content.

She wants to be the last one left.