So, I've been climbing for a good while now.
Actively climbing for 6 months and progressing quite fast.
Which is great. Before that I had hit a so-called rock bottom.
Now, I'm at a place which has a plateau, there's a bit more room here.
Got a couch and tv, which is ******* amazing.
A ladder leads up to the outside world, big and scary.
But you know..
I'm still struggling a bit with myself. Still need to do more mentally digging
but hey, at least I took that **** foot out of my grave.
Kinda wondering why I put it there in the first place but whatever. Details.
So yesterday I went outside, back to my old room to grab a flashlight.
Because I want to look down in the hole. It's so cramped in there I actually never got to see the bottom. So what the **** is there?
My stepdad got one of those police flashlights, the black iron ones.
I borrowed it, went back to my comfort zone and looked down the hole.
I couldn't see the bottom but what I could see was:
- Lack of acknowledgment
- Lack of assertiveness
- Disconnected from emotions
Which I knew, I've been there and I'm still working on those things.
But still feeling an obstacle, I've missed what those three things boil down to.
That answer should be at the bottom right?
So the next day I grabbed some binoculars and looked at the bottom.
rejection it said.
Wait what?
Oh **** no! Just.. no. Nooooo.. nope nope nope nope. I sat down on the couch. The monologue I had in myself was wild.
"So.. You're telling me that everything I do, my entire vision of harmony and connection with others and the behaviour that comes with it is a coping strategy to deal with the amount of rejection I have faced in my current life so far? Really?!
Wait hold up, how many times did I actually get rejected? Let's write this down.
...... okay, so the entire page is full.
How many people did I actually reject? Crap I can count that on one hand.
So I got rejected so many times that I reject nobody anymore because I know how much it hurts? Well yeah.. Well, how does that make you feel? What do you mean how does that make me feel? ******* ******, frustrated, angry, it's all a bunch of ******* *******. Memories of times when I got rejected come ******* flooding in like right at this exact rant.
Take a deep breath. *******. It's just too crazy. I reject myself the right to reject others. And now I gotta learn how to hurt people. Fu-cking. Pointless.
And that's exactly why you got to learn it. **** my life. Yep, you're ******.
And for you who read this. For the sake of myself.
Go **** a ****.