you have forgotten me.
I bent over backwards
I sat on broken limbs
I crawled on hands and knees
for what?
I went in knowing about
the uneven playing fields.
Hurting those I cared for
who jumped through fiery hoops for me
I am not the kind of person I want to be.

you have been tainted by the
poison of another woman's
touch

before was the
sweet taste of ****** on your
tongue

the way you felt was
innocent as you
extended trust.

all I sense when you are in me now is
another brown-haired girl
feeling you,


hazy marijuana smoke
spewing from her open
mouth.

my fear of romantic relationships encircles me and I question:

Do you like me?
Am I annoying you?
Did I say something wrong?

And I push away the good ones as easily by my insecurities as I drew them in by with my air of confidence.

ink fades; paper grows yellow
around the edges of the letters you wrote.
I reread them and think of you;
and suddenly you reappear

I don't believe in heaven,
couldn't find a reason.
If I get to live after I die,
I'd rather live another life.

Never had it. The  peach skin of an early morning move-in. Freshmen, fresh faces, awkwardly sharing smiles with those in the same boat.
Wondering what college will hold.
I have been stunted by the changing of the guards, never a need for an open heart.
Too many different places and not enough to settle down.
Never a chance to feel the feeling.
Regrets or not. I can't do much.

A late July heat
can drive two teenagers
crazy

In the summer of 2009
when there is nothing to do
but lie around and whine

What better thing to try
than to envelope the warmth
into each other?

To forget about the problems
that five years from then
won’t matter

I have been wrong
about many things
and wronged by
many men

I hope this time
I might be right
for once in
my quarter
of a life

and my world
will change
in the best
of ways

I have been wrong
about many things
and wronged by
many men

I hope this time
I might be right
for once in
my quarter
of a life

and my world
will change

I need someone like me
aimlessly floating
half-hoping to bump into
love's open door
yet in an attempt to
find their soul again
they miss
and it's back to square one
wandering with no path
a shattered heart lost in the abyss
wondering what went wrong
until they care less and less
yes, a bitter flower
rough to the touch
one I can get to open up
is exactly what I want

I ruined you.
I touched your skin,
it burned right through.
Took from you
what you won't get back,
from the first moment
I kissed your lips in bed,
to the last fight at
the summer's end.
No one will take back
two years for you.
Dark greens sear straight through your blues
as you eye me once more
through a changed view.

I swim through seas of salty flesh looking for the best.
The waves of goosebumps crawling up the crest.
The crash that fills my chest.
I want to be carried to the shore
to make my rest.

throw thoughts aside
and take a hit
meaning disguised
as soulless ***
frictionless fire
skin to skin
if it's what I think
I must stop my sins.

To fall apart
and be exposed,
a skeleton of pure white bone,
skin of tarnished tan,
is not a way to live.

I came to the point
where no one but I
could inflate my body
with a rush of warm air
to fix a broken me

I have a new heart
that I made myself

A flash of quick wit
"I still love you" in a five-second clip
better be careful, I say.
I might believe you and
slide back on what I've gained.

and just like the Snapchat picture
you'll disappear again

I can't decide who I was
when I let him take the worst of me,
and bring it out for everyone to see.
He had my soul, and threw it
into the icy waters of Lake Ontario.
It has never been found,
not on the shores of the South Carolina sea,
not in the open palms of the past charmed;
not in the pieces he left behind
for me to quarantine in
the darkest part of my mind.

I may never find that soul again.

The rain feeds the trees drop by drop until they're green
Spring has come
I can smell it in the sun

I made a
Mind bending (time altering) attempt at telepathy.
I tried reaching out so that you think of me-
your New Yorker with a midwestern heart.
On my sleeve, an open wound for everyone to see.

Did my subconscious at least interrupt your sleep?

It is the sun in February
that reminds me to not regret
coming to this coastal city.

It is looking at a blue sky
and studying on an
old brick patio.

It is feeling warmth on my shoulders
while knowing you are in
upstate New York, covered in ice.

It is a great feeling to know
I made the right choice,
when it comes to weather;

but the wrong one
when leaving you behind.

“You don’t want to be with me. I’m damaged goods,” she says, a coy smile creeping across her face.  
“I don’t care,” he pulls her in with his hands around her waist. It’s the perfect height. He ignores the telltale signs of a liar and she tilts her chin up to meet his lips.
She hides her mischievous look behind a long sheet of black hair.
He barely notices the dragon’s heat rising from her chest.
She’s the green-eyed monster, getting poised to strike again.

how I can
feel my heartbeat
like it's in the
palm of my hand
while THC pours through
my blood stream is
a favorite thing.

But my ear
resting against your chest
listening to your heart rate
as if it were mine
that is what I miss
more when I am high.

Giving more
than a drunken 'hey'
is hard to manage
in this day and age.
Even a woman like me
wants more than that.
No ***** calls
is a bit of a stretch.
Pet my head,
tell me I'm pretty,
ask me to sleep in your bed.
I'll still be that girl
you text for ***
at 2 AM.

Despite all,
loneliness is a downfall.
when leaves start to gather
at the tree’s trunks
and creamy clouds roll in

the pit begins to widen and
autumn will take
its course:
******* me dry once more
every year this time
like clockwork

I want to feel in love again,
I want the comfort of it all.
I want to rest my head in the lap
of a new man
and smile, happy that the first
was not the last.

and the Adulteress wins again.
the girl gets the bed
and the Adulteress has the rest.
A hellish romance,
formed from a devilish grin,
the Adulteress holds his soul
in her heartless hands.
Cruel intentions on an adventure
to take them all,
and the Adulteress
leads the quest
never getting hurt
in her bulletproof vest.
It won't end until
the Adulteress finds her best fit

I fill the void
with carnal desire,
in its animal form

I want nothing but
hot flesh, pulsing places,  
*** for pleasure's sake

No emotions, piercing stares,
the heat of the **** is what I want,
until something better comes along

"Ten things you understand
if you're this or that"
screams the title of another Internet list,
where people go to feel they're not alone,
scroll through a generalized view of our age group,
a world so relate-able you're no longer you,
you're a '90s kid' or a 'tomboyish girl';
we all want to be unique,
yet we buy into this stereotyping technique
to feel connected with people we'll never meet.
Is it strange that I want to define 'me'?
not a lengthy list on a computer screen,
not strangers who lump me into a category.
I'll tell me what I want to be.

The King of the
Emotionless
strikes again,
too careless to notice
the war he began.

He retreats back
to the castle
to smoke a ****,
and sleep alone
in his empty bed.

and so my life rushes by.

no more razor scooter afternoons,

Barbie jeep and a kickball marathon,

walking home from school in spring, swinging a Powerpuff Girls backpack.

jumping on hot black trampolines, burning our small feet,

running to the park to see if we were able to hold on to monkey bars.

no more alligator tag evenings, falling down in wood chips but brushing it off-

I have always been a tough cookie.

and I become an adult soon enough, a victim of my own past and a

culprit of my future, but nothing in between.

Honda Civic and a movie marathon,

liquored-up nights,

high as the midnight sky, staring up at stars as far as the atlantic.

I changed  since the March
when I was eighteen looking for a thing

(Anything)

At the time
your problems became mine

My life's complacency
was overtaking me

This year around I

Decided I'd let the dusty ruins build up
in the palms of my hands far too long

and I blew them into the cold night air

It's the new found March
where I'll find out who I am

Singlehandedly turn dreams into
        nightmares
I see aqua eyes in the back of
      your head
I feel a gnawing, a longing,
     if only for a few moments
as I shake myself awake.
All dreams end up the same.

Fall 2011

March, meek, bends its head
half-heartedly mumbles "I'm back"
with an admirably early gust of
mild spring wind
and I wish for it to pass
until summer can take grasp
and the grey clouds spread to reveal
the sky bluer than I have ever seen before

Was I in love with you when I shoved my tongue down another person’s throat?

This question I’m asked, on the spot, left with my thoughts, sift through and find the truth. Four months in, there I was, grinding on a stranger, staring at your jealous texts while someone else’s junk was rubbing up against me. Guilt so tough I wanted to puke. Promising and failing to never hurt you again. Some secrets are better left unsaid.

Officer, please, I was in love. Why wouldn’t I be?

I failed the sobriety test?
Of course: No choice but to feel the worst. A liar gets in too deep.

I’ll take the plea bargain;
One lie for you. One lie for me.

I see your sign.
The Gods of Strawberry-blondes have spoken.

You knew I'd know
when you clicked the button.

I see your sign, and I ask you, once more
to show me you miss me in a way
I'll know it's yours.

October ends graceless,
blackout drunk,
singing goodbye in lucid tongues

the season Goddess
greets her favored
November
with a swift kiss

and the leaves begin to drop
to their knees
and beg and plead:  
let November
bring us inner peace

I'd never felt that way;
instead watched
the boy whose first
innocence I took
emotionally invest
in other girls.

I wear my feelings proud
on emotion-stained sleeves
the clarity of mascara
trailed down my cheeks.

I am a contradiction
of serious and carefree,
and what isn't on you
is always on me.

I will continue to
kiss stars goodnight
remembering we share
the same dark sky.

While you hide in your head
forgetting to see
the beauty in things,
and in you, and in me.

we only see the black and blue
bruises that each of us made
on the other's skin.

we are both filled with shame
until the clothes come off.

was it a moment of weakness
or momentary bliss?

Tick

I yawn to the alarm
I drag my feet to shower
I tug on matching clothes.

Tick.

I scarf down plain cereal
Find socks, then put them on;
Cover with scuffed shoes, and I am done.

Tick.

Ihear the whirring of my engine; Soon
I park, I walk in,
I pretend to learn, I wanderlessly walk out.

Tick.

I stop at the red hexagons
Iwork five hours straight,
I go home to rest on my pillow

Tomorrow's the same day.

In December,
bathed in the light
of a holiday tree,
a man hinted that
he had love for me

then left
for eight weeks
to a place
I cannot reach

I am not the one
who decides
the fate
and nor is he

It rests in
the powers of Time
that be

(c) sea 2017

Time remains my enemy

Time's the reason
I couldn't see the future

to know the Timing was off.

Time doesn't care that it failed
from nothing but a broken clock.

the face stopped moving
but Time did not

now I, back for good,
notice
you still give me
the very same look
as you did
when we sat on
my dorm room bed
nervous freshmen
anticipating
each other's next
move
and in this current June heat
I find that
time continues with you

everyone writes about lying
from a different perspective than me.
I have mastered this art:
keep eye contact, and grit your teeth
stack lies up like books under your bed
make promises you cannot keep
turn around and go to sleep,
wait for the regret to seep
through the covers and
into your dreams.

two months in and
my heart remains
more than in tact
but full

and I realize with
a twinge of
fear

this may be
the real ******* deal

A little lie here and there
years of trends
we couldn't stand
different rooms, separate beds.  
don't trust those two
alone together.
see it now
and tell the truth
say what they
would never hear;
we are
nothing but
two good people
who do bad things

it happened again:
Earth went around the Sun once more and
brought us all along for the ride,
leaving me unable to digest
the last drive we had and I must
conclude that I'm not sure I'm ready
to see what lies ahead

romance?
all I've known
for a while now
is a foreign touch
unfamiliar,
a caress of the neck
leads to nothing more
than a question:
'can you lock the door?'
for reasons I'm unsure,
this could be my fate
if I no longer
wish to wait
for the real thing,
to hold someone again

poor decisions I’ve made
have disgraced the way we work.
I want your soft shoulder to be
the first thing that I see
when we get up.
instead I find
a greying old stuffed animal
with broken beady eyes.