A feeling I've never felt before. I thought I had that feeling before until you entered my soul. I thought it had been taken before and it never was. A feeling I've never felt before. My whole body looses control, my voice box expels as you make me sing... hit high notes, hit low notes. A feeling I've never felt before. After my soul lays in your arms vulnerable. Shocked. A feeling I've never felt before. You helped me loose control. You helped me get lost. A feeling I've never felt before, there's no way no other man could give me that feeling... I thought I have felt that before but you are really my first.

I want to fall in love. I want to fall so deeply, so hard in love. I don't want to just love... because I have loved many times before but for once I need someone to open a new door and to adore and love me. I have loved but I have never been in love. I have never had a man love me back... not even my father. I want to fall in love and I want someone to fall in the same hole of love as me and make it our own little hole. Let's fill our hole together and make it whole. Simple. Fall into eachothers holes as if it was our hearts and bury eachother in respect, playfulness, understandment, compassion, trust. I just want to fall in love and yet those like me, remain unloved.

You don't have to be the one. You don't have to be the one to love me or accept my love. You don't have to be. You don't have to realize I'm a good woman. I don't need you. I don't need to have you in my life. I don't need you or anyone. I need myself. I need those who see me for me. I need real love. I need what's real. Deep down we will never work. I turn a new page and you stay in chapter one. My heart beats warm blood when yours... cold & old. Your heart is stuck on a little girl who cheated on you. You don't allow your heart to see I'm a woman who was brought into your life to show you differently. You never open up. Getting you to speak is like pulling your teeth out. You make excuses as to why you could not treat me right. Some can never treat a woman right, even if you get married I still know you as the man you showed me. Even if I'm still single, I am better off than your wife is. I'm aware. I know the real you. Your image could not change who I see even if you smile and look to be doing better off. You can't fool me. I know I'm better off without you.

You met me at a bad time in my life. You doubt me. She's nothing, she's no good anyway. I had my faults, I wasn't perfect but I loved with all my heart. My loyalty was rare. That's something you can't take away from me. Today, I stand in the sun and no longer in the shade... no longer in the darkness. I wanted you to come stand in my light for once, where I smile more and worry less. When I left and you looked for me I was there and opened the door. Now that I leave, you have shut it. I stood in the dark alone and now I stand in the light alone. Now, I accept it and I close my door too but unlike you I will lock mine and close my peep hole so when you come knocking I won't look out and I will continue to live happier without you.

I am whole with others but with you in my life, my heart remains broken. When you are not around, my heart is one. They say to heal a wound, you must not touch it. Over time I've constantly touched it. Every time I speak to you, my scab on my heart is ripped off and I feel everything you put me through. In order to heal a wound, you must not touch it. In order to keep my heart whole, I must distance myself from you... forever. I must refrain from hurting myself because I value the health of my heart.

My fathers children grew up without a father in there home. My fathers children are very excited everytime they see him, they think he's great, loving and sweet. They think maybe mommy & daddy just didn't workout. My fathers children didn't grow up with him like I did. My fathers children never saw the monster I saw as a dad. I wish I was my fathers children. They looked at me in spite "She gets everything and my dad". I wish I was my fathers children. They never got to see a real monster in the dark. They never got to live the same nightmare as me. They'll never know they were better off without him. It saddens me that they wish they had there dad 24/7 but that's the worst wish they could make.

What is it like to be hurt by your own father? For him to emotionally, verbally and physically abuse you. What is it like to watch your father beat your mother and almost **** her? What is it like? What is it like for the man that's suppose to love you and protect you the most do the very opposite? What if he told you that he loved you all your life and when you got older you realized that wasn't true because your older now & know that real love doesn't hurt. All these questions, I have the answer to because I know what it's like. But my only question I can not answer is what is it like, to not have a father or know him?