It was early in the morning.
The sun was bright already and Eva couldn't help but waking up.
How annoying!

It was only 6AM and determined to not get up, Eva grabs one of her two pillows and sandwiches her head in between them. Hoping this would block the sunlight- given her missing curtains.

In a few minutes, Eva manages to relax once again, almost melding with her battle-worn blankets.

One foot poking out trying to balance the volcanic heat, while having 3 layers of said blankets over the rest of her body.

What a dumbo.

Growing up,
my mother next to me.

Growing up,
years in darkness- filth, fear and pain.
A feral loneliness.

Growing up,
a revelation, a smile.
So amazing, some people would notice.

Growing up,
my trust shattered- a back stab from all I had left.

Fear, confusion and tears... anger.

Growing up,
I end up in a new home. Hopeful.
For a time.

Growing up,
Rocks at my back- my ears deaf as I am carried away.
My feet bleeding, holes in my smile.

The nurse yet confused- why was I there?

Growing up,
I ran away.
I find myself in this foster home- a lot of work and a few smiles.

Growing up... I stopped.
Back to that darkness I had to go, this time with my newfound experience.
I thought to rise against the odds- to instead fail.

Growing up were all my problems, my pain, my debts...

I now cry over them.
I wish I could be normal.
I... hate it.
I am tired...

The fear for my health, to see myself
even worse than this.

I cry and tear myself apart in frustration.

You who were supposed to guide me and follow me-
to teach me how to live, to teach me how to survive.

It is in my body now, it is pain and it is ugly.
I am ugly. I am in pain.

It's humiliating.

I try my best- I want to be the best, to win over everyone.
I need to satisfy my superiority complex-

Eva has been through it all, "You're the best!".

And yet with my smile, with my skin, with my breaths... with my gaze
it all falls apart.

I am so glad to be able to write, to be able to see, to sing...
But I wish I couldn't- I wish it to be over, this humiliation.

I am tired of not existing, I can't do it anymore.
And yet I will never be able to end it.

It's so humiliating.
I just want to be like everyone else.

I am looking inside, it hurts.
Mysteries from my youth, showing up now- nails on my skin.
It stabs my own touch- the truth piercing my eyes.

It is my luck that I would survive, to be able to look outside.

Anger; envy; rancor.

I see them all on my skin,
I feel them looking at others'.

My desire to be normal- it's one step closer to my end.
But I cannot make the jump.

I am loved though, yet I cannot touch them.

Eva is loved despite her problems-
despite her skin, her past.

I look back inside.

Tears...
and a smile.

I love you.

I wish to exist.
A ghost, in this world.
But I cannot leave.

I wish to exist- to be on the list,
where everyone is.

Please, I beg you.
I only wish to exist.

It's raining.
It's overbearing.
I don't want to think about all these issues.

Why? Why...?

I'm still alive and young- I could be even luckier than this.
I will be.

I'm the luckiest girl in the world.
But I wouldn't mind being normal.

A smile is embarrassing from me.
It's a summary of their ineptitude.

My hand always hovering in its front.
It's instinctive, automatic- but it stopped.

It's not any less bad, I know not the reason.
I know though, it is your fault.

The ones that replaced my parents would oft remind me of how strong Eva needed to be. Independent.
With that hand in front of my smile, I managed.

Just as that hand is gone though, so is my independency.

Without my shield I feel more vulnerable.
Without my shield... I feel happier.

With you I am happy.