A smile is embarrassing from me.
It's a summary of their ineptitude.

My hand always hovering in its front.
It's instinctive, automatic- but it stopped.

It's not any less bad, I know not the reason.
I know though, it is your fault.

The ones that replaced my parents would oft remind me of how strong Eva needed to be. Independent.
With that hand in front of my smile, I managed.

Just as that hand is gone though, so is my independency.

Without my shield I feel more vulnerable.
Without my shield... I feel happier.

With you I am happy.

I wonder
a past of mine, clear- yet alien to me.
Phantoms.

I don't want to hurt you.
I dive in your embrace-
I know I am a different girl, but the same person.
It's a new past that I want to forge, with you.

Yet I won't forsake the phantoms.
Yet I won't allow them to stop me.

6 hours have passed.
10 will pass.

It's painful to wait this existence, sitting.
It will go away.

It all fades away.
Slowly.
Endless death.

I go and come back.
Again, coming back.
I go and come back.

I'm 22.
I come back, I come back.
I'm not going anywhere.

My mask fell off.
I took it off.
My mask was hiding them.
They're coming back.
My mask was protecting me.
And now I die.

I don't know.
Where am I? ...Why?

My so hated walls are gone
and now I freeze.

Surrounding me is love
it's scary.

Go away...
I will freeze.

It's my selfless wish to love and to hurt.
I suddenly met you and I felt understood.
We shared our laughs, joy and pain.

Yet I only want to disappear.

What is attraction? How does it work?
What is being happy? What's having fun?

I love you and you love me
so why do I love others as well?

Because love is an energy we create and must express.

Yet not even love can fill this void:
of traumas and ***.

I only want to impulsively disappear.