a war rages on inside my brain
two voices dominate the rest,
as one call for more guns and bombs
it's only aim to cause damage,
the other whispers for peace
with a soft voice thats not fit for combat,
all it can do is silently gain support
of innocent onlookers

inside your head do fatalities also rise
at the hands of bullets that strangle soft voices,
does your heart wish for peace
wailing against the sound of warfare

I look deep into your eyes
for any clues for the victor,
wondering if my words did help
or get drowned out by screams

I found the teddy
that I named after you

it's fur is still fluffy
even though it's aged and *****

it's eyes bright blue
just how urs sometimes were
not always though, you had green too

I hug this toy
holding it as tight as I can
squishing it against my chest
kissing it's head

wishing it would turn in to you

I believed I was better
sitting high upon my perch
my back as straight as a ruler
as I glowed with pride

peering down at others around me
I'd smirk in self assurance
as sure as I was that I was the best,
I was sure that others were worse

so when I fell off my chair
just to find myself the same height as others,
realising we always were the same
just from a different perspective

I screamed and wailed
that there was no way it was true
until I swallowed my emotions
realising I'm no better than you
than my family, my friends
the characters on my TV,
the musicians all over the news,
than my former self
who had no place to sit

I try to create
to make art
to write poems
it all seems fake now
the brush strokes
the empty words

I try to create
whilst watching other people successes
They're so much better than me
they're so much further than me,
I wonder if my journey was once there's
if they shared this feeling one time

What if all of life is just faking it?
Struggling to get through the mess
tripping over dilemma after dilemma
rumbling through problems and disappointments
just come out with a fake smile
a grin that seems to meet their eyes at the corners
a grin that only they know isn't real
that hides all they suffer through
just for a few hours
before they are alone and go through it all over
again.

I write in a notebook most of the time
It's cover is dark blue waves
that dance across the fabric

It used to inspire me
the way I imagined they would move
gracefully lapping the shore

Now the four walls confine me
constricting my words
strangling them so they fall lifeless

Tomorrow I will leave for holiday.
Hours earlier then my usual alarm
whilst the sun still hovers
around the corner of the horizon
I'll drag myself out of my cozy slumber
forcing my eyes to peel open
all to board the plane.

It's booked at an early time, of course
so I can leave here faster?
or
so I can experience more?
either way I will
attempt to run from my mind
all the way around the world
as if racing the sun
but no matter what
my mind will always be faster
it will always beat me,
just not before taunting me
whilst I huff and puff
and it sings a melodical tune of hatred.