I don’t know how much longer I can do this
21 ******* years of hating myself and always hating who I am
I thought maybe I wouldn’t hate who I become but here I am now and I still hate me
I always make the most stupid decisions and even when everything is handed to me on a silver ******* platter I still manage to find a way to mess it up

Even when I see that glimmer of hope and happiness appearing at the end of the tunnel
I can feel my demon in the darkness grabbing my hand and asking, “what about me?”
How many years has he been with me now
Would I find comfort in the light? I don’t know what the light is really like
I get small touches and glimpses of light sometimes, and they do feel nice
Sometimes I feel that longing of hope and wonder grasp my soul and I want to feel it whole
But the light never lasts
He always comes back
But he’s been here the whole time
Here in the dark with me
Like ******* venom to eddie brock
He knows I am weak
He knows I feel safe when I let him take over, even though I know it’s still him in control
He crawls around and surrounds me and reminds me that I don’t even know who I am without him
He’s been with me longer than I’ve been without him
He knows everything about me
He knows that nothing is ever as perfect as it seems and it all crumbles eventually
He knows I don’t know what it’s like out there in the real world without him
He knows that I probably wouldn’t handle it and I would **** it up
I already did **** it up
He knows that
He knows me

They put me on all these medications to try and get better
They put me in therapy to try to cope healthier
They try to get rid of him
I act like I want him gone
I don’t know what it’s like without him and even sometimes when I feel like he lets me go, it’s just to show me that it can be okay for a while but even the warmest and brightest days eventually turn to night and everything I thought was in my control was just temporary and it all leaves and turns to dust in my fingers and I lose my grasp of what’s real and everything turns numb and turns to black and I close my eyes so tight I see swirls of galaxies and when I open them, there he is
He’s waiting for me because he knows
He knows I couldn’t handle it
He knows I belong to him

I realize all this now
I know what I have to do
I take his hand
I turn away from the light and follow him back down the dark tunnel
“I knew you couldn’t leave me”

I’m just an 18 year old girl
Everything’s just hormones
It’s just my time of the month
I’m just being dramatic
It’s just a phase
I’ll just get over it
So I have to pretend
Pretend I wasn’t up crying all night
Pretend I wasn’t wishing I was dead
Put some concealer on, hide the bags under my eyes
Put some mascara on, hide my swollen eyelids
Put some lipstick on, hide my chapped lips
Put on some long sleeves, hide my scars
Put on baggy clothes, hide my protruding bones
Put on a smile, hide my sadness
Take it all off, hide my existence

The pressure builds
Everything expands
It becomes too much
It’s like a giant bubble inside my head
Pushing things around and making it hurt
I feel like exploding

I have a small razor
One from my pencil sharpener
And I know that all the bad stuff inside
Will slip out with one cut
A few more cuts and it’ll start rushing out
Rushing out faster with every cut

I forgot how this relief felt
The adrenaline rushes, but I am calm
I can relax
I can act normal again
I can fake the smiles easier now
All until it starts building up again

Your fingers surfed across my skin
Desperate to touch every inch
They sent shivers rippling like waves all over me
The notes of your voice traveled through the air,
And when they landed, they fluttered around my ears
With sweet, feathery steps
They were filled with comfort and assurance
They told me I was yours
As we delivered our kisses, one after another
Your lips pressed firm against mine,
I felt the way you pulled me closer and tighter
It told me that our love was true

I thought you were gone
I thought you had finally left me
But now I see you,
Lurking, waiting, creeping in the shadows
You’re fantasizing, dreaming,
Of taking control of me again
I see your darkness
It’s seeping in through the edges of my mind
Your anticipation is unbearable
You’re looking forward to suffocating me again
To taking my hope away, and replace it with darkness
You engulf me in the blackness of despair
You choke me with morbid thoughts
Happiness doesn’t exist anymore
I only see a bleak future ahead
I hope someone notices
I hope they notice how sad I look
But no one ever does
They don’t see that my smile is fake
That my laugh is just a sick pretense
They don’t see the pain in my eyes
Now I know
You have made me your prisoner
Once again