I keep waiting to write the poem
that changes everything.
That twists my whole perception of the world
and its perception of me too.

Is it obtuse
to think that I have words worth reading
thoughts worth seeing
printed in ink
and published on page after page?

Is it stupid of me to think
I could quit everything else
love nothing else
and be one of those sad artists
who dies alone in a room
so inspired by my own complexities,
that I don't need a view?

What is that like?
To be so sure
and passionate
that everything else is static
to know
or at least feel
like nothing is more beautiful
or delicate than that art...

To never be abandoned again
or fail
or is it always failure?

And wouldn't I like to fail?
Just for a minute
and take it all back
if the taste is too bitter.

I keep waiting to write the poem that changes everything.
The poem that changes me.
That makes me brave
or better
softer or stronger
I don't care which.

I want to be that fluid, translucent being
whose tears are written into her skin  
whose desires stream out like songs.

But I can't write that poem.
And if I change anything,
the one thing
would change everything
and I am scared to leave this girl
whose skin is so thin
and whose heart is open to bleed out
with nothing
more than a never-used,
sharp pen
if I never write that poem.

Stupid *******
Why do you always check
Every ******* day
Reload, reload reload
As if someone liked what you wrote weeks ago
Checking your ******* email as if you get something
Something other than scams and junk mail
You’re a stupid ******* why would anyone want to talk to you
Scrolling through your phone like it’s gonna make **** better
You’re gonna find the ******* perfect thing
******* *******
There’s nothing that will make you better there
Go out and meet people, but you’re too timid
You ******* *******
They’re all talking about you
They all ******* hate you and why shouldn’t they?
You’re a ******* ******* who can’t shut up
That’s why you’re ******* alone
Not because you’re friends wanted to start their lives
Because they wanted to get away from you
******* *******
That’s all you’ll ever be
******* stuck here doing the same ******* thing
“It’s just a year” that’s a ******* lie
You’re not gonna leave
You’re never going to do anything
You are and always will be a ******* *******
Oh and now you think people want to read this?
You think people want to hear the ******* things that go on in your mind?
You’re not ******* important enough for them to care
You’re just a *******
That’s all you’ll ever be