i have built a home in myself
after all these years
and what peace it is to know
that no one will burn down
what i call hime
ever again.


(and what a quiet pain it is
to still crave the home in you.)

not dead, just
cold - the absence of
life. like the
ghosts of trees,
in winter,
blown bare of
leaves -
all that remains
the silhouette
of an existence.

the irony in loving
cold hearts is
one day becoming
the cold heart that is
loved

i wish i could remember the
day everything popped, the
day the fissure ripped me in
two - broke me into pieces of
Feeling and
Unfeeling.

or maybe it was just like
poison in the water, not
enough to destroy but enough
to sicken - to warp the
sensations, the perceptions -
hot, cold, hate, love.

how happy and empty
seem to be the ends of the
extreme with no in between.
how it can change in a moment,
how the turning of the planet
manages to yank the ground
right out from under me.

how quickly the fruit sours,
the heart hardens.
the gardens turn graveyard
and i am left once more
with the wreckage of all that i
once loved, burned to ash.

maybe i am the villain.
maybe i am the virus
infecting all that i touch.

I look into the mirror and I don't know who I'm looking at
This woman is beautiful and becoming and really tired because all of this is helping her forget
forgetting the person she once was
so in love or so she thought
but the love was an artificial love but it still left her in a million tiny little pieces that she is so desperately trying to glue back together so well that they look like that they were never even broken

The people around her say she has risen from the dust like a phoenix but what they cant see is the heart still burning to death from a loss she doesn't think she can recover from

This person in the mirror is who she wants to be but she is constantly waiting for it to be who she once was

and that is her toxic trait

you may feel ashamed of me sometimes
for I am not moulded nor made the way you thought
so different am I
from the others you came across
so dear I shall wait
forever
for your heart to change
when you get back
I shall never ask
why
for you are the same
the best for me ever...

I would
escape, not know better
and run off, maybe scared
without a street cat helping me
but free

I would
go straight for my dreams
the smells that I can't reach
stroll through hedges and gardens
I'll never forget it

Would it
have happened that way
and do you want that too
or is attention enough
when you meow

Entertain me, Caress me
or are you asking: Comfort me
you just have no idea
what prison is
set me free

Present and calm
Hopeful and well
As for the future
Time will tell