This time I'm not afraid
Perhaps because I trust myself now,
I know I'll live if you leave.
The past taught me that bitter thing
But now I see,
I'm okay to be
As I always am and know I'll be
So I let myself fall in love with you.
Please be gentle with me
Because those cracks you think are beautiful,
Were once scars that bleed.

Do you think a shadow knows?
That it's just a shadow?
Given form by some matter and light?
I doubt so, but what do I know?
Perhaps the shadow is real,
And I'm the one who doesn't see,
The illusion of life lying to me,
Making me another shadow dancing on the wall, thinking I'm free.

I'm tired,
To my bones I think
Sleep doesn't fix,
What my soul emits
A tiredness so deep,
Time quits
I've lost all sense
As I bail this dying ship.

If I could wipe your tears,
If I could bring you peace,
Know I would
If I could silence the screams,
If I could face your fears,
Know I would.
But tonight, while the moon lights
I'll drink your sins,
I'll grip your hand so you don't fall,
Know I will
I'll push the demons away,
I'll stay with you,
Know I will.
Tonight my friend I'll keep company with you down the twisted way.

I write because I've had enough,
Of days and nights above
Drowning me with no love
Asking for more when I gave enough,
For blood, sweat and years
Every knock at the door,
Asking for a little more
I choose not answer anymore
I've had enough, you hear
Push anymore and I'll surely swing
I don't live an angry life
But do not think me weak
I do not hold the fears you breed,
Threaten with death or poverty
I do not care,
I do not bow,
My enemy is mine,
There is a darkness in me
And I have made peace with it, you see
If you have come to take,
I will make you bleed.

I didn't cry that day or the next
I never do
I'm ashamed that way.
As I've grown I know I loved you dearly
And even today I wish you were here
So I could say all these thoughts of mine.
I think we probably shared these things
But back then I was only fifteen
And I didn't know how to speak my mind.
I've learned now you knew and felt these things
It may be the blood we share
So I write this for you grandfather
As I write so many things
Of the day I saw you go.

I don't know if you knew I was there
I saw your children cry and grandchildren too young to know
I know you knew, when we last spoke
That you had to say what was on your mind,
When you told me to never quit
That I was better and to remember this.
So I say this not in tears, but with some pride,
I never did and I remind myself sometimes,
Of a man I knew who was kind and burdened in ways I never knew.

I didn't have the words to say that day
But now I do, it's taken some learning and truth.
Illness took you too soon,
This broken family still needs someone like you,
I know why they say the good die young,
You were burdened but never stooped,
And I dearly hope you knew how much I cared for you.

A moment, a day, a month, a year
I don't have it in me to care
Perhaps I cared too much
That much is clear
Too little too late
I was always here
I'll keep living
In this glass globe of all I've ever feared.

Muck and stench,
This war's hell bent
On taking our lives away.
This is a soldier's game,
One never meant for men
Even in the darkest day
Hell has no hold on us
The devil has already had his way.
Kneel down and pray,
The sun kisses your face,
And your brother lies awake.
Eyes wide open
Take me away.

Winter's tears,
Shed like the dying day
Until the moon rises
And the wolf calls home.
A child dreams,
Walking in certainty of all that never is.

I walked in the hills by my home,
I heard a whisper in the trees and stepped closer to see,
A vulture talking to me.
"Do you think they know?" He asked as I watched him pick flesh from bone,
A carcass decayed and old.
It was a sickening sight to behold.

"It shouldn't bother you so." He said.
"The grass and trees. Do you think they know?" He asked again.
I shook my head, confused.
"Where the soil and nutrients come from in which they grow?" He asked

I listened to this bird as he scavenged from death.
I thought him mad,
But as he spoke I saw the wisdom of his words,
"Dead things come to grow and life never goes."
I watched him eat his fill,
And it was no longer ugly but a beautiful thing.

I walked away wondering if they know,
If any know how we grow.
From soil on mountain peaks to the river that flows,
Death is only fear of change from what we think we know.

The poet's day is after we've gone away,
Our words left to read
By the hurt and strayed.
A little map of words
Guiding you through the darkest day.
Saying someone else once felt this way,
And no matter how much time passes
When someone turns to us with utter dismay,
We offer our hearts for all to see
And remind you of an old adage,
Nothing new under the sun.
As poets we write so when we go away
A little piece of us will stay,
To share your pain and express joy in all you do.

It's a bitter potion
It sours my stomach and taints my mind
Hovering over me in the dark of night
I remind myself it's an enemy I have faced before,
"Nothing is to be feared", I whisper
No matter the lies it says,
I tell myself to sleep but know I won't
I settle for waging war against myself
These anxious thoughts shout a battle cry.
There is a war waging in my mind
I hear the battle cry
I don't need any to confirm or deny
Anxiety is in my mind
So I put on my helmet and strap a weapon to my thigh
I never really hung up the uniform of my soldiering time
I settle in for the long battle into day.

A voice echoed in the dark,
Even through the light of day
It was smooth and cut deep
Making my skin crawl and eyes weep,
It pries at my deepest thoughts and sweetest dreams
Of all that is and will never be,
When it comes I grimace and wait
For the five words it always says,
"Does it make you hate?"

There are more on this list than I care to admit.
Some I knew well, others were just passing through,
Some are blood and I remember them well,
Others I shared a little of their pain at the dying end.
A man waiting for death to near,
His body nothing but a shell, still bearing scars of a war raged in hell,
I saw his tears.
A woman gone too young,
Born into this world with a body that was a cage,
Muscles made not to work and bones built to fail.
There are more of you than these two,
But there is not room here for all of you.
Know each of you are in the little lines of the things I write.
Sometimes my head gets full
And I think of all of you.
Wondering why you stay
Is it the etchings you left on my soul?
Or perhaps the dead never fully leave.
They stay in memories and in the quiet keeps.
Blood and spirit walk with me,
They watch as I dig through this darkness
And I swear some days I see them smile,
Encouraging me,
Like they know this dark and twisted way,
Telling me I've found the journey to take.

It slithered black, purple and cold,
Against my soul.
So cold it burned as acid etches stone.
What horrors fill my soul?
Changing shape to fill any void.
Spiders, oil, squid, and smoke.
Coming to cloud my soul.
Try as I might I can't **** this thing.
It darkens my door to settle score,
Of some deep fear.
I burned it last night,
But it slithered back to the recesses of my mind.
It's made a home and I wonder if it will always be so.

There was a dark place,
A little hole I called home,
Just for a night
It sheltered me when I was cold,
I dug deep just as I was told
Keep your head down I heard them say.
I watched as the stars above fell
And fire rained
From my little hole,
One by two,
My hole in the ground.

I give it away
What once was said
In the dark of night
Under sleeping skies
As honest as the words may have been
You said it was your dearest truth
But I saw the flicker in your eyes
So I wondered but disregarded why
I shouldn't have
If my heart didn't trust you
Neither should I.

I didn't cry that day or the next
I never do
I'm ashamed that way.
As I've grown I know I loved you dearly
And even today I wish you were here
So I could say all these thoughts of mine.
I think we probably shared these things
But back then I was only fifteen
And I didn't know how to speak my mind.
I've learned now you knew and felt these things
It may be the blood we share
So I write this for you grandfather
As I write so many things
Of the day I saw you go.

I don't know if you knew I was there
I saw your children cry and grandchildren too young to know
I know you knew, when we last spoke
That you had to say what was on your mind,
When you told me to never quit
That I was better and to remember this.
So I say this not in tears, but with some pride,
I never did and I remind myself sometimes,
Of a man I knew who was kind and burdened in ways I never knew.
I didn't have the words to say that day
But now I do, it's taken some learning and truth.
Illness took you too soon,
This broken family still needs someone like you,
I know why they say the good die young,
You were burdened but never stooped,
And I dearly hope you knew how much I cared for you.

Floors worn and smooth
Uniforms of blue
A place of memories
Of old and new

Ticking clocks and flicking lights
Warm blankets and chips of ice
Nurses around and doctors too
Here to heal and speak of news

I don't hate this place
I know the lights and scents
The sights don't frighten me
Perhaps they should, I've seen death in such a place

I sit and wait
Knowing you'll wake
Listening to the click
The easy, steady beat

Waiting till we leave this place.

Something empty
Something forgotten
Something lost
Something begotten
Strange how we feel at the bottom.

I dreamt of an old friend
And I dreamt of an old enemy
One came to me and said,
"How has life been?"
The other asked,
"Gotten anywhere since we were kids?"
We talked for a bit
I made peace with one
And remembered the other
One apologized and said she understood now
I nodded and said I know I'm different
My hair isn't blonde and eyes aren't blue
I don't call this place home,
I don't worship same as you.
I walked away feeling sort of strange
After all these years I know they were one of the same.

I saw death today
It roamed the halls and walked away
I asked why it didn't stay
It said it isn't a hunter looking for prey
Or a scavenger seeking decay
I said I've seen it come on better days
It shook its head and smiled my way
"I only come when life is ugly or has gone away.
But not today.
I'll be swift on that day, I never care to cause delay."
It walked away and I counted the steps it took on its way
So I'd know when it comes that it's my day.

It was empty
Nothing but glass
Broken and smeared
With stains of time and rust of tears
It didn't look the same
Not as it once had
In better days
Before the cracks and chips
If not for the reflections it would be bare
I think it shouldn't matter it's broken and old
The images are twisted now
Perhaps it's more real that way
So many lies in mirrors
Better to look at one broken and smeared
It'll paint you as you are rather than how you think you appear.

He came near from blood and bones I fear
Stalking through the streets he called to me
I told him to leave but he didn't listen to me
So I gathered my things and left this place
I heard him call my name and ask me to wait
He promised sweet things but I told him not today
He thinks me mad for acting this way
But I saw in my dreams and heard from the dead
Never give in until he sits patiently and offers you nothing you haven't learned within
So I keep moving without hesitation
Waiting for the day when he sits and asks me how it went
I'll say fine or some other line
I'll stop moving and sit for a bit
Ask if he's heard from my kin
I'll admit it's been a long trek and yes I'm tired of this skin
There were days I wanted to sit but couldn't quit.
He'll ask why now I chose to sit
I'll say I've known for some time life is a shadow but till he saw this was my life to live I had to keep on
But I'm glad he's here to welcome me, my old friend.
Death follows and calls my name
But I keep moving till the day he stops calling me home.

I write tonight.
Nothing great or in pretty lines,
Just a little pain of mine.
Of loss and heaviness.
Some days I can forget
But in wee hours I drop the lies and gaze at the little things.
Love lost, people gone, desires unmet, and the madness of the mundane.

It opens questions so I write.
Often it's to a friend, my never reader
But when it's right I write for someone to see
Perhaps for me and partly for others
For those that need
A reminder that even alone it's never completely so.
I write of a little pain,
With this in mind:
Pain is a drug that runs in my soul and maybe that is why I never let it go.

I've walked this land
Those streets you see
I've been that way
Those mountains up high
I've roamed the trees
I keep moving
A traveler of this life
Seeking my way
I've taken many roads
But often not the easy way
It's not in my nature you see
I welcome those who journey with me
Whether for part or the whole way
Stay if you please or feel free to leave
It'll be quiet most of the way
For a single day or a life you see
I'll be walking this land
Until the end of days.

The hills are cold
Winter grows
Moon light touches snow
As another season goes

This land knows
Of every secret told
And life that's grown
Since it holds every bone

As I crouch down
I place my hand to the frozen ground
Knowing the plants will grow
From seeds sewn

I marvel at this place
A friend of old
Who's always home
Who takes me now and when I'm old

Basking in the sun
Every day it comes
Bathing in the moon
Whether quarter, half or full

I take a breath
And smile
Grateful
That for now I call this home.

A bitter truth I sit down to write
But the words stop and nothing flows
So I sit and think
Stare at the wall and wonder about the paint
Is it grey or primer paint?
Then I remember what I came to say
If only the words would stay
So I decide to come back another day
Only to find the words at 2 am
There goes another night of sleep
Written in four words I weep
"Why can't I sleep?"

They warned this was not easy
Who you ask?
The voices in my head,
My demons of the dark.
I took the journey anyway
To a place within
Searching
And what I've found is I was never who I thought
The voices entreat me to be patient
And my demons comfort me when they see I've gone too far.
If I've come to a place where my demons comfort and pity me
Have I journeyed too far?
In my dark travels.
Perhaps I've always been a tortured soul and my demons never were.

I've been formally trained
Yes I've brewed some strange things
And I've dissected some things
I know where Frankenstein got his name
But the craft I practice I never learned
It's the purest of the trades
And it's stronger than any compound I've ever made
I've distilled it many times
Till it was pure
Just a drop is all you need
Stronger than any liquor
Trust me I could brew no ninety proof that could compete
Just a sip is all you need
A sip of the purest pain
Aged through the decades
Wouldn't my old professors be proud?
I think not
Only the Philosophers and Poets would nod their heads without doubt
The rest surely know I've abandoned all they taught me
A brilliant scientist I'll never be
But come to me when all is broken and gone away
I'll give you a taste of my brew
Perhaps I can still become a healer
I know the body but it is your soul that needs mending
So pull up a chair and sit on down
I once was a scientist but I've given it all away
For this pain that stretches through us all
Tell me what you think and I'll let you have a drink
We'll grieve together and it'll be okay.

My life doesn't look busy.
If you're outside looking in you probably wonder what I'm doing.
I know it's strange I'm exhausted.
The sleepless nights filled with dreams and restlessness.
Some days it feels like I've given too much.
I know I seem quiet but it's only because it's so loud in my head.
I know my life doesn't look like much.
But it's so full sometimes I have to disappear for a while.
Don't take it personal.
I just lose myself to these deep waters at times.
I won't always tell you these things, the words will fail me.
I know this isn't for all, I have lost people before this way.
So if you stick around I hope you'll see I'm not as lonely as I appear to be.

I wrote a story of something in my mind
It grew rather long and felt like pulling a thorn from my side
I know not from where it came or why it calls me home
But I gave it life and claim it mine
All the loves and losses
And the characters who live and die
It's a beautiful and frightening thing
To see a world and a people exist in your mind.