watch the happiness drain from the tip of my head
to my eyes
to my toes
watch it pool around the bottoms of my calloused barefeet
on the cold, ugly brown tile of the dorm bathroom.

the problem with validity is that in order to be of value there must be something below you that is worthless
and many times the skulls of wide-eyed quiet girls will do
to rest your high-heeled tennis shoes on
baton in hand
leading the slaughter ever forward.

inadequacy is a monster that plants itself in the stomach
and grows out of the mouth at an alarming rate
strangling the trembling buds around you...

i would feel better if you knew me before you perpetuated your indelible lack of self-love
i would feel better if there were a reason to crush my bones and knead them into the whitewashed cement of these dorm room walls
built upon the bodies of other quiet girls
seeking solace from the raging personalities
that make up for their raging
inadequacies -

yes,
i play video games.
and i have a decorative knife
that i was not able to hang up
because sticky tac only goes so far.
yes, i am quiet
no, i do not partake in your gossip
or your hate speech
but do not pin me to the wall like the latest bug collection conquest
like you have defeated me

i have a flower growing on my desk that could defeat all of you
if it stooped to your level
beauty is the sharpest sword.

i looked in the mirror today and saw a shape.
not a reflection, a shape
a shape of a body
(my body?)

if my reflection refuses to mimic the actual me
is it
still me?
are those my freckles?
my lips?
my nose?
is she frowning
without me?
can i just no longer feel the muscles in her face twist and contort?





alien

                                        

                     ­                                                image.

there is something ugly about the way you refuse to look at me
something pathetic and guilty and pious.

you refuse to look at me like i'm something you've never seen before
some hideous insect you found under a rock that surprised you
not like you were actually the first person to see me
the first to touch me
the one that carried me in the embrace of your stomach for nine months

the nine months that you took care of me
perfectly.

only because your body did it
naturally
once dispelled
i was on my own.

to the first boy
who broke my first heart
don't worry
i found another one.

to the first bestfriend
who broke my second heart
don't worry
i bought another one.

to my mother
who broke my third heart
don't worry
i didn't bother with making another.

to my future
which i am sure will be just like the past
(we repeat ourselves
into eternity
our collective unconscious
hellbent on being heroes) -
don't worry.
there is nothing to break.
you will have no guilt
and i will have no pain.

snuggling on the couch, watching coraline

your **** shoved in my face
ready to blow
forced in my mouth
almost chalky dry

holding my hand in the store
hugging me tight because mom has a new boyfriend

pushing me against the sink
thrusting in

crying on the couch
you smother me
till i smile

first night i met you
hands down my pants
you asked me to get on top
i said no
it happened
anyway

helping me work my way to college
moving for me
buying me
so many
many
things*

hard **** against my thigh
rubbing
forceful hand against me
too hard
frightened

hugs
kisses
he takes care of me
cries when he tells me how much he loves me
tells me how i saved him
from depression,
suicide
anger

if only to tell you the depression you brought me
like one of the many presents
wrapped tightly
i swallowed
let it spread to my lungs
now i only breathe pain
i did not dissipate the bad parts of you
i consumed them
and now they are mine
to bear

composed entirely of
the simple seduction
of contradictions
i play a fine balancing game.

good vs. evil
happy vs. sad
fine vs. im fine
alive vs. dead
dad vs. mom
sassy vs. mom
sassy vs. the shitshow
sassy vs. hatred

spoiler alert
right wins.

is that
heartburn in my chest
or is the battery acid seeping from my over-charged heart creeping back up
fighting to get out
expel itself from this sinking ship.

you don't ruin everything.
everything ruins someone
and everyone ruins something.
the circle of life
rides its line
ruthlessly
cutting into the track fate laid across my wrists.

you can't recharge dying batteries. leave them alone too long and they leak a hazardous acid
touch it, and it'll eat away at your fingers

just try and take it out of me.
i dare you.
try to make me better.
it'll eat away at you too,
just like it eats me.