Awareness
Of the fact that I’m standing only twelve steps away from myself
Feels like a kick to the stomach.
One day I’ll be ready
To step away from my sick thinking
But for now, I’m comfortable in
Avoidance

I never sleep as well as I do here
On this lofty featherbed,
Comforted by her soft snoring
I come here to step away,
Reflect.
Sitting in the morning sun
With the breeze on my skin
Hungover
But whole.
I have a lot of questions
About myself.
She helps me to see
My reflection.

Substances,
I can use them to fill me up.
Red wine and smoke rings
Soften the edges
Of the shattered pieces
I carry around Inside.
Ousted From the doldrums.
Only a slight yellowing
Is left behind.
A squeeze of lemon
Will fade it out in the sunlight
For all these years
Of living this life,
I’ve gained
Knowledge,
Expertise
Of evidence removal.

Stir down your inner turmoil,
Cultivate peace
From solitude.
Embrace the loneliness.
Accept it as part of the agreement.
Find your interests elsewhere,
Just stay between the lines.

Alert on your post,
Scanning the crowd
For disorder.
You spot Me.
Devious, you say.
My eyes glimmer
in agreement.
Something about
Connections,
We both feel it.
Curious, you say.
And I bite my lip
My inner wisdom
Screams at me to leave
Alarming Awareness,
Reminders of playing
With fire.
My scars.
Craving this mutual
exchange of energies
That we get to share
On occasion.
And So,
Smelling like the tropics,
You press your muscle mass
Against my softness.
I’m Wrapped up in you
So Beautifully.
The cold frame of the car
A stark contrast
To the heat rising
Between us.
Together for a moment.
Fleeting.
We say Goodbye again,
Untangle.
Until next month or so.
Willing myself to leave,
I Sink into the seat
With my head still spinning
Pulling the belt across my chest
Tightly strapping myself in.
Practicing self restraint
To keep from floating away.

High on validation,
Slick,
Sick.
Adrenaline
Addiction
Guilt stricken,
Low of Depression
Grips.