I have a tattoo
On my arm
That reads “Love unity honesty”
In my own handwriting
Blocky and straight.
But
I was lying again
when I wrote it
Because
I curl the tails of my “y’s”

If I show myself more love
I won’t need it from you
Now I remember
The steps to take
To make it across the floor
Practicing beautiful extensions,
Positive Intentions.
Breathing again
I feel alive
Instead of alone
How simple it is
This balance.
Muscle memory
I know how to keep myself upright
It just takes practice.

My shadow person
Is back.
She wants control of me
Again.

She is rebellious and devious
With a ravenous appetite
for attention
In any form.

Negativity is better than numbness
She says.
With Violence brewing in her heart
She excites me.

I should **** her
somehow.
I think.
But I Don’t know how.

I’m afraid.
For everyone
Except for myself.
We have been together for so long.  
I believe her when she says
She loves me.

She’s dangerous.
Capable of terrible things
She loves to lead me astray
Just to watch me go stumbling down that path.
Again.

She throws her head back laughing
Manically.
As I’m writhing in pain,
Hands clutching my heart.

I should **** her
Somehow.
I think.
But I don’t know how to separate our souls, intertwined.

Instead,
I hold her close to me every night.
Better than being alone,
She says
And I agree.

Stepping into the harsh daylight
With an energy hangover-
Drained.
I know that we’re both wrong.

I did it again,
The seeking thing.
Attention please!
The pattern repeats.
Oh my goodness, look at me.
Watch my every movement from behind your sunglasses.
Our passionate tension
on display for the world to see.
The pattern repeats.
I seek fulfillment
and you want to
Give it to me,
Yes, you do.
The pattern repeats.
When the sun sets
And the sweat on our skin has dried
We will meet in the forest.
We know how this goes,
The pattern repeats.
I appreciate
your willingness to help me
Find whatever it is
That I need.
Oh, yes.
The pattern, it repeats.
Awareness,
This thing that I do,
To myself and him and you
Is only a symptom
of the problem
So, The pattern repeats.
Afraid to confront the truth.
How devastating!
The pattern repeats.
Gazing up at you,
I feel seen.  
Sink my spinning head into your heavy chest.
The pattern repeats.
The pattern repeats.
The pattern repeats.
You understand
Exactly what it is
that I need.
It feels so beautiful to be
Held and free.
I will search for you again,
And I know
That you will show.
Until it is broken,
The pattern repeats.

You can’t tell from the outside
the range one has until empty
High performance running on fumes

You’ll see me up there
Again this summer
Just don’t expect me to be broken
I am healthier now
But I’m still fun

I won’t be your little ice cream cone
Dripping with sticky sweetness
You can’t hold me in your hand
Melting vanilla in the sun

We can be neighbors, we can be friends
Sip cheap Mexican beer from cans
I’ll even juice the lime

There will be giggling, and lively banter
You’ll probably try to look down my shirt and I will not mind

That is where we’ll draw the line,
Healthy boundaries
of summertime

This incessant thirst for torture
bubbling up Like puke in the throat

I want your feedback all over me
Drape my mutilated soul across your chest

Staring out with aching eyes at the vast nothingness before us

I scream at myself on the inside
The high is never worth the low

The thrill of trouble is electrifying

If my inner wisdom goes unheeded
The Situation will unfold
into a disgusting place of being
Like a gas station bathroom

Bleakness will creep in, Settling into my center

Followed by ugliness,
Addiction Ravaged pallor

Stealing the rightful place of beauty