Every day and every night were the same,
sunshine and street lamps, I see them lame,
people and places, frozen in one lane,
That was life before Victor came.

Alone, no more I was.
Eyes, mine sparkled on a bliss.
Love, driven me joyfully insane,
That was life when Victor came.

So distant we may seem to be,
Patience is ours to befriend,
as Faith is ours to possess,
for the situation’s never a game.

I lost you by then,
heart was broken to the power of ten.
Prayer was my refuge,
Tears as sanctuary, they became.

Realizations invaded my insanity,
lessons learned returned me to sanity.
Grateful to have loved a man such way,
such person, ever since Victor came.

“I LOVE YOU”* that’s what i said to him.
And i got no reply at all.
No exchanges, nothing in return.
Literally speaking, NOTHING IN RETURN.

That’s one heck of hell for somebody
who’s loving way way too much.
PAIN is all you get, which you endure
no matter how  “you-can-no-longer-stand.slash.bear-it”.
Yet and Yet, you still love the person with all your might.
How ironic it is, right? in spite of this effin’ feeling,
though you don’t deserve to be hurt, still,
you continue to give everything
to this very person you cared the most
when every day, every hour of the day
you hear and feel how your heart
battles with your brain.

You want to let go when actually
you don’t want to. And why is that?
because of the effin’ word LOVE
You just can’t do anything else,
you love until it hurts more and more,
you love even it means hurting yourself,
you love and love until you can no longer feel the pain–
until you look like a fool, numb, and  DUMB ,
but you never gave up, perhaps
never gave up pushing and showing yourself.

Sometimes you don’t actually feel
that you will EVER give up.
Just gotta accept the fact that whatever you do,
he can’t or he won’t love you back.
Accept the pain of having NOTHING IN RETURN.
That’s it! BINGO! KUDOS!

They say “if you really love a person,
you will ask for nothing in return
even if it means not loving you back” , and
I guess that’s how all the enduring thing came from.
And then you will get used to it,
to the same scenario up to the extent that you,
yourself can no longer escape the sensation anymore.

GIVE AGAIN, LOVE HIM STILL, HURT AGAIN.
Well, you just can’t stay away, right?
You can’t last a day without a single word
or news from him, not without
seeing his name on your effin’ cellphone.
At the end of the day, you’ll tell him I LOVE YOU,
while you get NOTHING

The chase is on again, because you’re used to it
even how much you feel the pain
Still, you accept it.
You accept the fact that he doesn’t love you back.
That you are the only one standing alone
playing the game.
“What can i do? I LOVE HIM"
this is all you can say.

And now, you just have to wait
for the day that you will stop.
Pray for the day when ENDURING will be over,
so that you may give him up, at last.

Dream that your hopes would fall down
to Love someone new, Love yourself.
Accept your defeat in the game
called “LOVE: I LOVE YOU, DON’T LOVE ME”
Wait for the moment where your tears
would stop from falling because
you’ve used them  ALL  already.
Until your heart stops from beating,
beating his name.
Until your brain can no longer
process Memories at all.

ACCEPT IT, I must.
HE WILL NEVER LOVE ME,
or perhaps, AGAIN.
An “I LOVE YOU” is something
I could feel for him, and I could give to him…
But it is something I would never have
FROM HIM, and would never be given *TO ME.

GABI (Night)*

Ayan nanaman si araw,
iniwan nanaman niya ako.
Tinapos nanaman niya
ang maghapon sa paglubog.
Tinanggal nanaman niya
ang liwanag sa paligid ko.
At iniwan nanaman niya akong
nakatanaw sa malayo, sa tabi ng bintana,
minamasdan ang pagpasok ng dilim,
hinahanap ang buwan at mga bituin.

Ang tanawing ito ang nagpapa-alala sa akin
na “There is always light, even in the darkest times”.
Kasabay ng pagpasok ng dilim
ang pagtulo ng luha sa mga mata ko.
Nasaan si Paulo? ang tanong ko sa sarili ko.
Hinahanap ko nanaman siya,
sa tuwing sasapit ang ganitong oras.
Kailan ko kaya siya ulit makikita?
Kailan kaya kami ulit magkakasama?

Lumipas nanaman ang isang maghapon
na hindi ko nasilayan si Paulo.
Ipinikit ko ang aking mga mata ng mariin,
kasabay pa rin ang mga munting luha
na patuloy lang sa pagpatak habang
iginuguhit ko ang kanyang mukha sa aking isipan,
habang ninanais ko na mahawakan
ang kanyang kamay sa sandaling iyun.
Nangiti na sana ako, kaso pagdilat ko,
ako lang pala mag-isa ang nandito, at
kathang isip ko lang ang lahat.

Napabuntong hininga ako ng napakalalim,
at sa paglabas ko ng hangin sa aking katawan
naisipan ko nalang na pumikit ulit at manalangin.

“Ama, kung anuman po ang Inyong
ginawang plano sa amin ay Siya pong masusunod
at malugod ko pong tinatanggap.
Alam ko po na may magandang dahilan ang lahat
ng nangyayari sa amin na ayon sa Inyong kagustuhan.
Ang dasal ko lang po ay Nawa sana
tulungan Ninyo kaming makita at malaman
ang dahilan ng lahat ng ito.
Bigyan Ninyo kami ng lakas ng loob at sapat
na pananampalataya upang kumapit pa,
huwag sumuko at hawak kamay na harapin
ang pagsubok na ito. Hayaan Nyo po kaming
patuloy na manalangin, gawing sandalan ang isa’t-isa,
at gawin Kayong sentro ng aming pagmamahalan
sa kabila ng lahat. Amen. ”

At tuluyan ko ng ipinikit ang aking mata
sa pagtulog, nagbabakasakaling kahit
sa panaginip man lang ay mahagkan ko siya at makasama.

I’ve been staring at
my room’s wall clock
for almost the entire day.
Funny how it seems that
the only actual thing it does
is to tic-tac all the time.
And as it works,
it made me realize and notice
what time is it as its hands
move little by little,
pointing at the numbers printed onto it.

As I watch the second hand,
I can’t help but to feel sentimental,
knowing that for every second it counts
I am still here—all alone,
feeling this excruciating pain and
sorrowfully mourning about the mere fact—
facing the reality that my heart is ****! broken
over again by the same man
who used to broke my heart
for a thousand times..
and that man— that I love the most
is slipping past my way for every tic-tac
it does as it grows into days.

I am pretty much aware
that after a 24-hours of tic-tacing,
it would finally be TOMORROW.
Tomorrow is the day
I always feared of, for
I don’t know if I would want
to wake up on that day because
little did I know I would have to face it
by myself again, and to watch the whole day
to pass that something or someone good
might come and might exist.

For everyday that counts,
there’s never a second that I didn’t wished
for a moment that could help
ease the pain I am feeling.
There’s never a minute that passed
that I didn’t hoped for the time to stop
so that i could bring it back
to the day when HE was still mine —
those days when we were together
so that I could have given him
everything he needs, and that
there’s no wasted time
for our love to be felt by each other.  

But the worst thing??
Is that there’s never a day that ends
that I never prayed for our love and
for our hearts to finally meet each other again,
at the right time and at the right moment
in our lives, conquering every moment
of our lives and every corner of our world
and living the rest of it together again,
and maybe this time we could be better.
And this time we would successfully
last through the many years to come
as we face disasters and chaos,
yet and still, we have each other
to love and to fight for.

—and that’s how the time of my life goes on.
I know i can do nothing to stop it
for whether I like it or not
it would always continue to count..
count every second of my pain..