I am your typical teenage girl.
Music flows through my soul,
Over thinking runs through my veins.
I love with passion,
But my trust is the hardest to gain.
I fall at the first hello.
Sending me in a loop of pain,
That I knew I'd end up in.
I knew I would end up falling hard,
With nothing but the stone cold concrete to catch me.
And with every fall, crash and burn,
My walls are built higher and higher,
So thick that it'd take an atomic bomb to crash it.
But there is always someone who comes along,
They take down my walls a brick at a time,
They take my hand and whisper,
"You are not alone."
The journey with them lasts months,
And it was nice to have someone to confide in.
But the time is over,
It's either I said something wrong,
Or you found someone better than me.
"It's okay, I'll be fine."
I say as I begin the plummet down Mt. Everest again.
The walls start up again,
And I'm left wondering,
"What if I hadn't done this"
"What if I had done that"
"What if I just don't let anyone else in again"
But I'm not going to lie,
It's nice that someone took sometime to help me,
To let me talk about my problems
And to let me feel free.
I understand that time with others is limited.
But I can't help caring,
I care for others so deeply,
That it hurts myself in the process.
All while that's going on,
I'm quickly building up my walls,
Pushing any and everyone that cares away.
Not caring who it hurts,
Only caring that I'm not going to be again.
Once the walls are built,
I still keep my distance.
Weary of everyone around me.
Even my family is being held at bay.
Just went I start to open up to my friends again,
Tragedy strikes.
I become an emotional ball of mess,
And it burns so bridges that I didn't mean to burn.
But at the moment,
I couldn't care less.
My Grandma is on the brink of death,
And her being my guiding light,
I'm not willing to let go.
Willing her to hold onto the rope just a little bit longer,
Crying out in pain,
Silently pleading "NO PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME! Please, just hang on."
Days pass, and she can finally leave,
But she still is sick.
She refuses further treatment,
Her impending death eats me alive.
Still hiding myself from my friends,
I continue on with life,
Being lonely, but not hurting anyone.
I open up to a couple of people again,
And they don't ask questions,
They just hug me and are a shoulder to cry on,
They know of the battles I face,
Many if which I have yet to address.
One invites me to her birthday party,
I say sure, what's the harm in going.
That harm, was you.
Never have I thought I could fall for a person so quickly.
Never have I not been nervous around someone upon first meeting them.
It was bliss.
I soon learned that I was starting to like you.
And that, for me, was a problem.
You see, after building up walls,
Trying to keep myself protected,
And then all my defenses failing,
Is pretty rare.
I don't know what it was about you,
But I wanted to get to know you better.
I told one person that I could "trust",
My new found feelings.
And she spread that like wildfire.
Once it got to you,
You started ignoring me and pushing me away.
I should've saw the signs,
But I'm an idiot.
I ignored everything and pushed harder,
Coming off as insane, delusional, and pretty creepy.
I regret that now,
Looking back.
As time passed, I had tried to move on,
I started dating someone else,
And I thought all was fine,
Until he told me I couldn't be friends with you.
I ended it then and their,
And I still have no regrets about it,
I only regretted you finding out I was in a relationship,
Because you seemed distant for a few days after that.
During those few days though,
Life at home got rocky.
Constant fights with my mom,
My grandma getting worse again,
My friends leaving me for someone better.
Life was pretty ******,
And then we started joking around again.
It made me feel a little better.
There is too much to this story to say,
But I'm a teenage girl,
Who fell too to fast for a guy who wasn't ready nor willing to catch her.
And her my walls stand,
A thousand feet high, thousand miles long.
It's fun in my little bubble,
Letting music feel my soul,
And trying to forget about my anxiety and depression.
This is only the beginning of my story,
But the end of ours.
Thank you for walking beside me as a friend.
Because we both didn't have the ***** to speak up.
ehhhhh
well
this happened
it's sorta a rant
kinda
idk