How lonely I am today
Tiny speck in all
Empty immensity.

How alone am I today

Turned in the morning

Surrounded by book
And bottle

All subtly drowned
In the love
Of learning.

Li Po and Beckett
Solemnly cover my
Leanings

I wake
Crying
And thank all the gods
(As yet unnamed)

That you may be here

Sometime
(Smiling)

This is a place I don't dare to visit
the room is enclosed by four walls,
there are misshaped windows
with metal bars that laced the brick
as stained as a lifetime smoker's teeth.
The grey wall bleed a terrible stench
that brings back memories of pig farms
in the morning after a dampened night,
the walls are coated with red sludge
that is enough to reduce a grown man
to his knees with pleas of destroying
the savage assault on his senses.
In the middle of the room sits a chair
that is positioned right under a bulb
of light that spreads a dimmed vision
to the entirety of the room, the chair
is locked inside a cage as large a space
as the cabinet of a common kitchen.
The bulb swings from its loose wires
that seems to exist as a tangled mess
with the red intersecting the yellow
and in various points the wire
seems to have been stripped of its
dignity with copper exposed in points
that have rusted against the times.
It seems that the swinging light
may never be fixed to a single space
in the vast expanse of the ceiling,
so it throws shadows against the walls
where the chair is mere distortions
between light and dark.
The chair is trapped in a cage
with a lock that seems impossible
to ever penetrate and the break
in the metal bars that has rusted away
is too small for any hand to fit through.
The mildew grows in the corners
where the ground meets the wall
and against one of the four the green
grimy mildew meets the red sludge
enough to give of a yellow colour.
I recognise something against one
of the four walls, it calls for my eyes
and screams for my ears. It reiterates
this is the inside of my mind and
so far I'm making colours of everything
I could ever find.
I've been running my whole life
and in every single light, I am
another shadow casted against walls-
forever imprisoned.

I was about to give up,
But then he loved me,
and kissed me,
and i saw the stars for what they were,
and not what wanted them to be; wishes.

I think i finally know what i want,
and i'm afraid to tell him,
but i know he wants the same thing,
an easy and simple forever,
he is the reason why i am still living; a survivor.

to get past the anxiety,
to get past the depression that consumes me,
to stop finding ways to blame myself,
and hurting myself because i was too weak,
he made me see the beauty in things; in our faults.

and i love him,
soo deeply,
soo wholly,
soo purely,
i love him more than i have ever loved and it feels good.

because i'm not afraid anymore