Stuck inside myself
The vicious claws dug in
The beast awoke
And I might choke
Which will cause me to cave in

He's been sedated
For so long
I forget he was even there
But now he's back
And he has attacked
And has ripped apart my brain

Worthless
Disappointment
Pathetic
Weak

Continuous­ly fighting
Clawing and scratching
Tearing apart who I am

I've worked so hard
And come this far
Just to be dragged back down again

Sedated for years
And I fought through my tears
Yet here he comes again

He's back with a vengeance
On a mission to wreck this
The progress I've made seems pointless

I wak up in the morning
And want to stay in bed
Finally succumbing to him

The time I stop fighting
Is the time I start dying
And the beast would finally win

But I've played this game
And its quite the same
As before this bought of destruction

If I keep fighting
He'll keep trying
But eventually I will win

Times will get better
As I work even harder
To get through this rough patch

I don't see an end
But I know it'll come
Because something will eventually give

Whether it's him or me
We shall soon see
May the strongest force win

Anxiety
Paranoia
Heart ache

I can't see an end
I can't see the light
I can't see the positive

My anxiety kicks in
My heart aches
And paranoia kicks in

He doesn't love you
He doesn't want you
You're a reject
No one loves you
You'll die alone

My heart aches
As this echos
Over and
OVer and
OVEr and
OVER and
OVER

I can't push it down
I can't push it away
I can't pretend it's not there
I can't pretend it's not real

It's so real
It's so difficult
It's so....

hard

I want to be *normal
I want to be in control
I want to be sane

But that's too much to ask
Because even medicine can't control me
My anxiety is too high
My paranoia is too much
I just have to face the music

I'll forever be insane
I'll forever be unstable
I'll forever be paranoid

Im sorry i push
Im sorry i build walls
Im sorry i snap
Im sorry my moods swing

Everything is blown up
Everything is warped
Everything is twisted
A small problem to you
Is a tower ready to crush me

You wont understand
I know that
But dont get frustrated
Because i know

I know im being ridiculous
I know im being illogical
I know im being dramatic
I know im being exaggerated

I know

Yet i cant help it
Im trying like hell
Im working really hard
Im fighting through it
Im working on chipping at the tower
So it doesnt crush me

Normal things to you
Like school and work and a social life
It blurs together for me
It molds and warps into an ocean
An ocean of rough seas and deep water

In the simplest problem
I drown
I sink to the bottom like a stone is at my ankle

I sink so deep that i can barely see the surface
The end or solution of the problem is only visable through moving water
So i cant tell
I cant see
I can't focus

When i concentrate really hard
I can see it
I know how to fix it
I know what to do
But then it gets blurry again
The waves wash over me once more
And im alone
Drowning in the depths of anxiety
Completely alone because no one can hear me cry
No one can feel the burn in my lungs as i gasp for air
No one can hear the muddled and clustered thoughts that crash in my head

Im drowning
Im drowning and i know how to fix it
But its really hard for me
You say its simple
But to me, its not
Its like swimming in a rough ocean
With a rock tied to my ankle

So im sorry
Im sorry im not strong
Im sorry i exaggerate
Im sorry i dramatize
Im sorry im over the top
Im sorry i cant fix it
Im sorry im not good at this
Im sorry i havent gotten it quite

Im working on it
Im fighting
Im swimming
Im climbing
Im doing whatever it takes to be on top with you
Because i love you
And I want to be with you

A random hello
A single how are you
Caused a snowball effect

We talked more
We laughed
And flirted
Or maybe the last part
Was just me

And you figured it out
My conversations with you
Sparked my curiosity
And I craved knowing you more

I talked to you
Whenever I had the chance
Before bed
After school
On my work break

You were always there
You were always ready to talk
You said you liked to talk
So that's what we did
We talked
For hours and hours

Then you pieced it together
You figured it out
And I hadn't even meant to show you
You found my burried heart
Where I hid my true feelings

I panicked inside
I sent countless texts
Apologizing and trying to play it off
I suggested to forget about it
But you said something that caught me off guard

You asked me out
You asked me to go to dinner
You said you wanted to get to know me

I panicked inside even more reading that
Because I didn't know
I didn't know what to do
Or what to say
Or how to reply

I simply stated
I would love to
But you have to ask for my dad's permission
And you said ok

And I was baffled
I screeched
And I threw my phone
And panicked on the outside

Now here we are
Talking
Flirting
Getting to know each other

You've been on my mind a lot
You've been causing me distractions
You've been the first thought when I wake up
And the last thought when I go to bed

I'm not sure what to do
Because I don't like being vulnerable
Yet here I am
Cautious yet adventerous

So shall we see?
See where this leads?
See how our paths will overlap?

A trip down memory lane
One click away
One finger tap
One scroll
A stroll down memory lane
At the tips of my fingers

S was the first
He loved me the worst
And I gave him my all

My parents forced us apart
And broke our hearts
But in reality
Did me a favor

Four years with him
And looking back
I don't know why

He hurt me
In more ways than I dare count
He hurt my heart
He hurt my soul
He hurt my body

Yet I loved him

B was the second
And I was in the wrong
He was a saint
And I was the devil

No one wants to be the bad guy
But I'll gladly take the blame
For the second boy who loved me
Didn't deserve the hell attached

I drowned in my despair
And I took him down with me
10 months of love and hate
Until he hit the brakes
And left me at the first high school football game

C was the last
Who took my pain away
It seems not long ago
He also took my breath away

Now I want him gone
I want him to be a distant memory
Because it appears he just used me

Whether a friend's hatred
Or honestly viewed ideas
It seemed to planned out
For it to be all real

He asked and asked
Until one said yes
Then he left
And I'm left in this mess

One year before time said enough
And two months have passed
And my heart still aches

I'm in this mess
Because I love too much
I'm in this mess
Because I deny the pain
I'm in this mess
Because in reality....

It's what k   e     e     p     s         m    e           s       a       n        e

Maybe I don't want to let go
Maybe I like suffocation
Maybe I enjoy suffering
Because I seem to gravitate
Towards the forbidden path
Of memory lane