Phoenix

Phoenix May 2017

I saw you cry yesterday
You sat on the floor
With your head down low
Your eyes grew glossy
And I didn't know
What to do

I whispered your name
And held your cheek
I kissed your lips
And said I love you

And you cried
First one tear fell
Then a second
Then a third
And my heart sank
With every drop of water

I held your face in my hands
And sat with you
And told you I loved you
And kissed your cheeks and lips

You told me nothing was wrong
As you stared at the ground
And rubbed your tired eyes

I was afraid
I was afraid it was then end
I was afraid I'd done something
I was afraid

My heart hurt
Because you wouldn't talk to me
You wouldn't tell me what was wrong
You just sat there
Staring at your hands
Or the ground
Or the table
Repeating the same lie I've told you a million times

"I'm fine."

So I sat there
With tears in my eyes
And a shaky breath in my lungs
Standing strong for you
Because you've done it for me

Then, you told me
You told me why you were so hurt
What caused your tears
And what caused your fears

You told me you were afraid
You told me you felt like
You couldn't do anything to help me
Most of the time
And I just stared at you
And I couldn't stop my jaw from dropping

I've told you once
And I'll tell you a billion times

You are my safe space
You are my happy place
You are home

When I'm numb
You make my heart beat

When I cry
You hold me close

When I'm anxious
You talk me through it

You're my rock
My shelter
My best friend
My love

You mean everything to me
Everything

Please don't doubt me when I say
That you're my safe space
That you're my safe haven

I love you
So so much

When we danced together
It was just the two of us
There was no one else

I sang to you
Every single word
With everything in my heart
Coming out into words

I mean everything
Every single I love you
Every single kiss
Every tight embrace

When I look into your eyes
I can't even explain what I feel
What I think

I can only tell you what I know

I know that I love you
That you give me butterflies
That my heart stops
And speeds up all at the same time

Don't doubt it
Don't ever ever doubt it

Don't doubt me

Trust me
Because I love you

Phoenix Mar 2017

Human Nature

Human nature is such an odd thing
We smile when we're in pain
We cry when we're happy

We all want to be loved
To be unique
And to change the world

It's a part of our human nature

It doesn't make sense
That our natural instinct
Is to be wanted and loved

I hate my human nature
My instincts you could call it

I hate myself
I shut down
And I lock people out
Even though I care so much for them
And they care for me

I don't trust
I don't open up
I don't expose all of me
Because I'm afraid

I'm afraid of my human nature
Because my human nature
Is self-destructive

It tears me down
Ever
Single
Chance
It gets

I can't figure out
What is human nature
And what are my demons
They seem so close

I'm so tired of fighting
My human nature
My natural instincts
But I know I can't stop fighting
Because then I'd be alone
And I can't handle being alone

So I fight this weird thing
That we call human nature
Because I've got no choice
In what to do

Phoenix Mar 2017

Personalization or Isolation

You come to me
Tears in your eyes
Bottom lip quivering
Your nose sniffling

You tell me the situation
I hug you
Give you comfort
Give you advice

Then you walk away
Feeling better
No more tears
No more sniffling
No more quivering lip

But I'm still
I'm stuck in the same place
Too heavy to move

It's as if I'm a sponge
And I take in your sorrow
I soak it all up
And take it all in
So you can breathe a little easier

My heart sinks
My emotions blur
My eyelids get heavy

I personalize everything
I can't separate my problems
From yours

Everything you feel
I feel

Everything you say
Affects my mood

But I still continue to do it
No matter how big the toll is
Because I care about my friends

Sometimes
I wonder if it'd be better
To live in isolation
Where I'm alone
And don't absorb everyone else's emotions

I know
It's just a funny joke
That I think about often

I'm depressed when I'm alone
Because I think no one cares

I'm depressed with friends
Because I feel everything they feel

So which is better?
Personalizing everyone else's problems?
Or isolating myself from the world?

Phoenix Feb 2017

Eminem

I like the idea of Slim Shady
Eminem's alter ego
I like the idea because I can relate
I understand

I believe everyone
Has an alter ego
A worse version of themselves
That tears at them from the inside
Even though some people
Don't acknowledge it

Lately
I've been listening to Eminem quite a bit
My favorite song
Is My Darling
Because half way through the song
Eminem fights with his demon

Granted, I've never been in most of the situations
That he dealt with
I've never had an abusive mother
I've never had a drug problem
I've never had an alcohol problem

But I have dealt with inner demons
I hear a dark and angry voice in my head

Eminem fascinates me
He tells his story
Through his words
He expresses his pain
His anger
His love
His hate

When you really think about it
How is rap much different than poetry?
I think it's similar
Rap tells a story
Rap expresses emotions
Rap speaks the artist's truth
That they couldn't say any other way
Rap is a form of slam poetry
In my opinion
The difference is
Rap has a beat

Maybe that's why
Eminem inspires me so much
Maybe it's because I understand the pain
Of hearing the inner demon
Always screaming in your ear
Telling you these lies
Trying to force you into things
Trying to trick you into your old ways

I'm probably not the only one
But I don't really care
Because it doesn't really matter

I will continue to be inspired
About how brutally honest his words are
About how he's not afraid
To say what he thinks
How he's not afraid to tell his story
No matter how hard it may be

Slim Shady fascinates me
Eminem inspires me
And Marshall Mathers understands me

Phoenix Jan 2017

Voices

I don't like
Using the term "voices"
When it comes to explaining my emotions
Because I'm not schizophrenic
I don't have multiple personalities

I just...
I just hear voices
Except they are my voice
My voice screams at me
Over and over

It's like a deeper, darker version
Of my voice
As it growls at me
And yells at me

I'm pretty sure it hates me
Because it tells me
All of these different things
That sound so real
But are logically impossible

Underneath that voice
I hear whispers
Different voices that I can't understand
Because they are so quiet

It's chaotic in my head
So much goes on
Especially when I forget to take my medication
Then the angry voice screams
And I can't hear anything else

I scream back at it
I tell it to shut up
Because it's not true
But it uses my insecurities against me
And hits every raw nerve
In my body

So I break down
And start physically crying
And the people around me get so confused

I wish they could hear it
I wish they could hear what's in my head
Because then they'd understand

It's so difficult to explain
What happens in my head
Since I don't want to seem crazy
Especially considering
I don't even know what's going on

I generally don't talk about it
What happens in my own personal Hell
I don't talk to my parents
I don't talk to my doctors
I don't talk to anyone
Because I'm afraid
That people won't understand

I'm afraid I'll be labeled as crazy
And be sent to the hospital
Or put on more medication
When I don't need to

It's something that's always been there
I've always tried to ignore it
But sometimes
It's hard to ignore screaming and yelling
Especially when
The screaming and yelling is about what hurts the most

I swear to you
I'm not crazy
I'm not schizophrenic

I honestly don't know what I am

So...

I'm just Monica

And I have voices in my head
One screams at me
The rest whisper things I don't hear

It's odd
But for me
It's normal

I can't explain it
Or how it works
Or what the voices say
Because they say a lot
And sometimes
I'm afraid to say it allowed
Because what if it's true?

So I sit quietly
As I scream and argue
With the voices in my head

It's easy most of the time
Since I have medication on my side
It makes the voice silent
As if it is put to sleep

And it's quiet
And silence in my head
Is blissful

Phoenix Jan 2017

Growing Up and Anxiety

17
I will be 17 on Thursday
I'll be one-year closer
To a legal adult

I'm supposed to be a mature teenager
I'm supposed to act my age
And be getting ready for college
And my future

But how am I supposed to do that
When I'm locked inside my own head?

I'm going to be 17
But I act like I'm 3

I have a favorite stuffed animal
I color
I draw
I sing off tune
I watch cartoons

I have to grow up

I never thought words
Could taste so bitter
As they rolled off my tongue

I've been asked
Who would you be without your anxiety?

And honestly,
I have absolutely no idea
Because I've always had it

I get so stressed
And overwhelmed
That I shut it all up
And shut it all down
And revert to a small child

It's unhealthy
I know that
I'm fully aware
But it's all I know how to do

I've been told my anxiety is a choice
As in
I can choose to let it consume me
Or I could shut it down every morning

Truth is
I don't know how to shut it down

I don't know how to act my age
I don't know how to control my feelings
I don't know how to do what I need to
I just don't know

I don't want to keep fighting
I don't want to grow up
I don't want to do any of it

But I have to

So I will

Because I've made promises
To fight
To stay strong
And I don't break promises

So I will fight
So I will work on my anxiety
So I will work to grow up

Because fighters always win
It's just a matter of time

Phoenix Dec 2016

Simple Distraction

I blame you
Even though you're not here

I can't think
Or focus
Or anything

And I blame you

I'm not mad
Just slightly inconvenienced
Because I'm trying to do my work
But you're invading my mind

I want to cuddle
And kiss you
And hug you
And tell you 'I love you'

But I can't

Because you're not here

Quite frankly
I don't understand
How you're such a distraction
When you're not even around

You're a simple distraction
That drives me insane
Bit by bit

I'm sitting here
Trying to do school work
Even though my tummy
Is dancing with a million butterflies
And my train of thought has derailed

I never thought this would happen
Not again
But there you are
And here I am
Completely intertwined

You have such an effect on me
And I don't think you even understand
How much of a distraction you really are

I wonder
Am I a simple distraction
To you?