I stopped going with the waves.
I turned and let them crash against me.
I had my anchor, pulling up the ground.
You'd think it was an island in making.

We made this scenery.
The way you folded arms around me.
No contenders, by your spell I'm bound.
It was a dream we dreamed in waking.

I relive this forever.
A miserly toll.
To these waves, I would surrender
Everything I've known.

But there's a catch in me.
A ****** hook of reverence.
This isn't love, I know.

I can't help this reveling.
This decadence in limerence.
It pulls me down, fearful and spellbound.
If I'm ever found, will there be anything
Worth taking?

What I'd trade to
masquerade
this misery
as beauty.

It is all I have
as offering
to free me
back into the waves.

Overheat in sun, I am in idle, unable to

Run away from fears, lies and denials,  they catch on

Everything I do, all tests and trials, and they drag me

Toward

The sun.


-
--
---
Nowhere to hide.
I greet the serpent, coiled inside.
Striking my mind.
And my heart faithfully carries the bite.
Time and time again,
I am freed through this affliction.

Wind and unwind.
A towering knot, deeply entwined.
Wrapping my mind.
Finally, my heart is now blind.
Time and time again,
It beats through this decision.
---
--
-


The fever of life, unbound and wild, telling me to

Copy the path, be a child, and in time these

Serpents that bled me, will feel the heat, and hungrily

Come to

Consume

This pain.

Deny it if you wish.
We all live for this.
It makes no difference;
Meaningful, meaningless.

To dissolve your walls,
To play with this trigger.
To let it go off,
Then return it to sender.

Call it a holy act.
Call it something sick.
It is still a fact:
You want it.

Hands in my head
Fingers in my eyes
Worlds of said
Fury of minds
Guns in my heart
Bullets in my veins
Rupturing the soul
Blowing up the brain
Laws in my body
Bribes in my health
Chemicals, the jury
Reactionary wealth
Angels in my heaven
******* in my hell
Reservation limbo
_

You                   let                        go.
What it could've been, well, we'll never know.

Line up your memories in a row.
That way, when they fail, you won't
be confused
anymore.

There won't be a single thing left to throw you off your trajectory.
There won't be a single lingering unknown.

Leave it all in a neat little line.
Shouldn't take long, you've barely lived your life.
Disregard the voices in your mind.
Your heart has died, they'll tell only lies.

Let.         It.           Go.
Quit fighting for whatever, God only knows.

Give it up and welcome in the cold.
It's all you have left to hold.

The spaces you carved out in me
left behind some figure
for the way I ought to be.

The traces of you, that fill me,
all I can remember,
leave me empty.

I can't skip rocks over lakes or rivers.
I can't go down without the surface
coming down with me.

I can't keep talking and thinking I'm sane.
I can't see how others make the ripples
and claim to see clearly.

Whatever is left of me,
if you can remember anything
I've ever said,
down any path I've ever
led you, or
wherever you've led me,
if you can see me,
I'm free now,
for this world that is
always taking.

There's no need to lie to me,
there's no need to comfort this
dying fool who
wasted his time, pining in his
prime for a
chance
he knew
would never come.
After all, this
misery was by
design, to save the one
I love.
It's over now, I'm giving up.

I don't want your
sympathy, your
thoughts or your
prayers.
I wish I could illustrate
what I've won from this dare.
How do you
describe something
that isn't
there?
I lean on the hope that
what's left of me,
you'll share.

I took
so
much
effort
bleeding out this
place,
I've
emptied every coffer,
every altar
defaced.
I
scraped
away
the pretty paint
looking for the
matter,
and there it was,
this emptiness, getting fatter.

Now I sink in,
once again,
to this bog
I've been
stuck in,
struggled in,
woke up in,
fell asleep in,
dreamed in,
broke free in,
feared in,
**** and ****** in,
got cleaned in,
once again,
it takes me under.

Every light I see at night,
Ripping through the darkly hue,
Worded right, I hope they might
Make come true a wish for you.

Wild star, falling far
Without shame, unafraid
Heaven mar, henna scar
Though untamed, you know her name.

I've gone mad in the empty
I've breathed in too much hope
I've collected one big memory
Bit it, chewed, and choked

When something dies within me
A slice of life maudlin
I'll spit out my misery
Bite, chew, choke again

I'll keep this up forever
It will be my effigy
The loss that keeps me together
Until it, too, is empty

Thoughts and prayers

The water that floats is the water that sinks

No forest for the trees, no chain for the links

So long did I
Avoid recognizing
This play for
What it was.

No stars aligned,
No fire radiated
A single sign to
Pull me from these lines.

Long ago,
Deep below,
Treasures in the night
Only waited...

What was I thinking?
I could never let this go.
Forever is a long time
To be sinking...

So long have I
Gone without deciding.
So long, dear life
I'll never know...

Whoever coined the term

"time heals all wounds"

had either no sincerity

or no heart


After a while, we become jaded to these gestures of clarity, these simplicities that try contorting pretty colors from the grey. To be human is to share violently all things you think are true, to be ugly in direct proportion to the beauty you wish to see. Don't hide from your pain; strangle it. There's no time for less.

I've never known how to start anything.
If I manage to, I don't know how to keep it going.
I don't even think death will be an end to this ignorance.

The truth unfolded like a snake,
how much venom can you take?
Before you crumble down and break,
Will you admit to being bit,
close your eyes,
and at last, wake?

Humming to a tune that only buried men can sing.
Tell me when the music stops and where I begin listening.

When I'm picking through the treasure dug up from the ground,
Tell me there's some meaning when the lightning touches down.

And if in spite of everything, the world, it spins again..
Is there anything to lose and what is left to win?

a thing of chance,
of choices made,
what's there to say
of circumstance?

Never could I be so free
to look up at the turning sky,
let go of what let go of me,
and end this with an empty line.

Are you willing to trade
a moment of embarrassment
for a lifetime of
regret?

Let them say what they will about rock bottom.
Truth is, a foothold is the same wherever you might find it.

Liquidate fear,
that you might afford
some closure
to this pain.

No secrets to find.
No mystery to inspire.
One blasphemous road.

No guilt, no lessons.
No growth, no revelations.
Sleep and dream their dream.

Heaven costs life.
The very act of life: sin.
The irony: lost.

Wind howls and whispers
Earth cracks and whimpers
Water rises and falls back
Fire does it all

I stand still, getting buried, under pressure, by the sands of time, I am covered, remembered, unseen.

You are up there, getting scattered, over mountains, by the hands of life, you are stripped, made bare, cleaned.

It is my remains you pump to the surface, it is my dead fire that gives yours light.

It is your straining to make villains out of victims, your commitment to love crimes that keeps me reaching through the night.

Too bright to lose, too dim to win.
Life, give me something other than a ******* lemon.

Gathered all the hues, painted virtues and sin.
I'm not about to do all this ******* again.

Give me another clue, like who's an enemy, who's a friend.
Otherwise I'll keep pointing fingers in faces until they cave in.

Stretching out on a word, a snapped twig totality, out here in this jungle of stars. A fevered recognition that you've gone nowhere that wasn't there, almost waiting for you to notice. Watching the world dress for the occasion, the wisest still find their walls close in, some pure language barred from discovery. There is no escaping this gravity of choice, no contracting this expanse plot, here, in this tumbling of stars.

Drawing a blank
in the eye of the beholder
is high art
if I've ever seen it.

The fear of the unknown
is too often replaced
with the overbearing price
of certainty.

Faith only pays when it's shaken,
and yet we light fires
to find
the day.

To create is human.
To doubt is divine.
To live, to breathe,
is to cross that line.

You let the ability atrophy beyond reckoning. Nobody will be listening to your sickening, self-defeating reasoning, your words lacking anything resembling creativity, nuance, feeling. You've turned your past into a living thing, stripping the present of any wrappings, the only lasting ribbon is this crushing need for security. You're paralyzed at the thought of living, terrified at the thought of giving up this hungry passenger who leaves you weak and empty. You must let go of this broken thing you call on instead of surrendering, surrendering to the truth that this life, it isn't ending.

It ended. It's over.
This life you had is no more.
This life you wanted so dearly isn't hiding like some four-leaf clover.
It's gone.     Let go.
Before it's too late, before you grow so deeply in this wasted longing, that none of you will show.
Look above this water, be terrified of what you don't know, instead of drowning in some bottle, looking for some afterglow. Instead of swallowing some paper, hoping the lines will show you the road. Show us there's a heart still beating, a rhythm finally worth repeating, there's more than ghosts to keep on breathing, this pain will not remain undefeated.

Trying so hard for what
Waiting so long for who
Desperation bleeding like a cut
Calling fell flew

Finishing the thought with a but
Ending it with ifs; ands too
Subtlety coming off rather blunt
Why does everything remind of you

Childish here, an old man there
Angry about this, about that I don't care
A variety of gifts, none of them pair
Beneath this skin, there's nothing I can wear

Take a sprung and spring,
Call the parts complete,
Give it everything.

Speaking in comparisons, shedding tears for laughter, a choir of thoughts playing pong.
Preaching in silence, death from birth, and birth from death.
Changing rules, a self-impose, a creeping sudden.
A vision felt, lukewarm heaven, room-temp hell.
A feeling seen, all stones divided, all drops one thing.
Welcome to who you are. (meant to be)

My heart tells my mind tells my body tells my heart tells my mind tells my body tells my heart tells my mind tells my body tells my heart tells my mind tells my body tells my heart tells my mind tells my body tells my heart tells my mind tells my body tells my heart tells my mind tells my body tells my heart tells my mind tells my body tells my heart tells my mind tells my body tells my heart tells my mind tells my body tells my heart tells my mind tells my body pick it up

Sink into your seat, all heavy and empty.
Look at this world you used to prize.
With a sigh, smile through broken, ugly teeth.
Best not to cut; better to untie.

Tell yourself again how the good ones die.
Tell yourself again you don't deserve pity.
Tell yourself again why you stay alive.
Even if every reason's a bit ******.

I'm tired of pretending.
I'm tired of this sensing
a thing that is denied.

I'll continue giving,
hoping in the taking,
they'll leave nothing behind.

Blind them with too much or blind them with too little. Then they'll see your half truth and think it a whole.

Hand them some sticks and teach them to whittle. Then they'll see the forest and think to cut's the only goal.

Somewhere inbetween these things, somewhere in the middle. Bouncing off the heart and brain, there's this thing they call a soul.

A need to be done
A period to end this sentence
Did the time, then some
I need no more witness

In this moment hung
Within walls that mark off spaces
The air that fills my lungs
Can't blow away the traces

Left here, in these emptied lines
Simple letters twist into signs
that I cannot unwind
I cannot forget these faces

A moon is said to cause the tides
A sun is said to tan our hides
I know these to be lies, now
Love commits these crimes

The ebbing of my life

From wants towards this need

The places you went, and the time you spent

I'll never forgive, I'll never forget

It is considered obvious you should never show your weakness, and yet it is the most empowering thing you can do.

I can't even think of you
as a memory,

but that's all you are
and it killed me so long ago
that

I don't know how to live anymore.

Courtesy of circumstance I can give a ****,

or maybe I can muster up two:

One for the countless who bled for this chance,

and one for little ol' you.

There is a feeling
stuck in the beating

of a heart, lost
in the vivid unknown

So here we are, no more
willing than able;
with eyes set on some
unknown sovereignty.
Where does one
turn in to
infinity?

No solemn feat

So here we are, in the
space where lips sync.
Twisting in a mystery
post-extinction.
When does
infinity
turn in to
one?

Re-run

A bullet dodged is a shot wasted.
A chance to feel, left wanting.
A chance for healing, erased.

Under a tree
Atop a hill
An iron altar
I made to fill
With my shame
And with my hate
Yet all the same
Stayed closed the gate
I knew was there
Above the hill
Where treetops sat
Never still

Nothing changed
But still I tried
When trying failed
The gates I pried
To no avail

With hinges bent
And keeper gone
My will is spent
And I go on
To remember
How I built
This temple that
I left to wilt

This altar now
Heavy as hell
Where wings to heaven
I hoped to spell
With good intent
Sunk far and down
Out of sight
Without a sound

I hoped I might
Salvage a chance
Of dreams come true
With this dance
Of right and wrong
Good and bad

Now I'm glad it's gone, good riddance


I forgot
I constructed this
Sanctuary
This stab at bliss
I had a shot
I knew I'd hit
Yet there's no chance
I didn't miss

What is it to breathe the same air
As those who take flight
In full daylight
Up towards the sun
To melt and reform
To whatever they choose
And all that they lose
Is their bindings?

What is it like
To go off a side
To roll in the tide
To cook in the sun
To go down below
Where certainly gold
Is buried?

Where do these whispers
Creep through the sound
Of the man who fell down
Of the man who drowned
Of the gold never found
And the soul now unbound?

I'm hard of hearing.

Holes and gaps
There, can't you see
The remedy
Is only clear,
Only a thing
Because of these
Holes and gaps

Holy crap
Here, remember me
The same thing
So sharp and near
Surrendering
It's killing me
Holy crap

Heavy
A word can be

So heavy
A hole can breathe

Can't get it out
Digging at the heart of the thing
Always seem to be forgetting
What it's about

It's like climbing a mountain
Looking for origin of spring
Everyone says in this forest
There hides a tree

Dropping the ball
Watching this scene of gravity
All the loose ends traveling
On the back of a dream

down there, to die
Inconsequential life
Taken out of the light
So nobody can see

the result of no praxis
This moment has no axis-
Just relax.

This is how it's meant to be.

It's so hard in the beginning.
Perfect ones are so rare.
Trying to lift off this burden
I chose to bear.
Oh goodness, this happiness.
So little left to share.
Please give me a reason, anyone,
To continue on with all my caring.

Im leaving in a dream
I'll be back on yesterday
I'll see you in the scene
Where they explain what everyone did.
I'll carry the sweet flavors
Of a fruitful spring,
Down to the bottom line.
So I won't forget.

Settling in the moment with a sigh
The times I'm never here,  I wonder why
What could escape this day,
And be seen fondly by tomorrow?

What could a beggar to royalty bring?
What treasures has the infinite never seen?
I'll give it my best guess.
I'll give it everything.

Let it go, now.
Let the ship go down.
You were never the captain,
Only along for the ride.

The waves roll out,
Touching the clouds.
And heavens never knew how to touch the ground.
Yet, they tried.

Welcome to the wave, the fourth to come through.
The horror and the beauty, equally true.
In its death throes, a self portrait painted.
Kaleidoscope of worn hearts jaded,
Beating anew.
You'll have to choose.
Will you say you're grown or will you say you grew?

Welcome to the days they sang to you.
Where the bars in the cage suddenly move.
The clouds in your head, all but faded.
The flowers in the garden, no longer waiting
To bloom.

Truth be told, don't know where it's headed.
Think we're going up. There I said it.
Follow the current, set by the moon.
Giant for all, from a little by you.

I spent all this time
waiting for forgiveness,
Yet it was I
who needed to let go.

Burning in my chest
This thing i never used
Creaking shut like a waning moon