devoted to one
desire for
another
so much
I wish I
could
have
done
when
we were
together
and now I am left
with the reminder
that we are
practically
strangers

lusting after you
feels so wrong
like I am
committing
a crime
such a sin
I feel so unpure
I feel like a *****
I'd be a ****
if I gave in
to what
I seem
to want
right?

never the kind
to cheat
but for you
I'd take the risk
risk of getting caught
risk of being found out

the more I deny my lust
the more I need your touch
it feels so wrong
to feel this way
but you take
my heart
to a place
that I have
never been

such a sin
such a sin

sometimes I want discipline
sometimes I want affection
sometimes I crave structure
sometimes I crave pleasure
sometimes I need isolation
sometimes I need protection

sometimes..

I want to be yours
sometimes I don't

terrible at making decisions
making choices
is something I can
but cannot do
I really can't

I sound like a player
but I'm really not
I just love too much

I love multiple people
which causes trouble
and creates chaos
my feelings run havoc
as I'm busy
trying to deny it

The thought of seeing your face today
is enough to make me smile with joy
not sure if you even still like me
but your words say the truth
and I know it's going to be
a very beautiful day
to be alive and sane
and to be insane
with lovely hope
and maybe
bittersweet
intense thoughts
of the one I
haven't seen
in all these months
I hope you like me
just as much as I
like your face

I used to believe that happiness was in
gaining a love, gaining security
gaining hope from within

but the longer I live
the more I lose touch
with what I used to believe
and what I once thought
was the right things in life
the best of them all
but everyone suffers
temporary or permanent
life changing downfalls

and we all grieve
at some point in life
either the loss of ourselves
or the loss of loved ones
we all feel and will feel
endless bouts of pain
sharp pains that can feel
like strangulation
or self-inflicted
times of illusion

misguided thoughts
and moments of weakness
psychotic rages
and times of
confusion

I have felt so much in a short space of time
it is hard to believe that I am somewhat 'fine'
the amount of trauma sustained
from the painful migraines
the way it felt like someone
squeezing and pressuring my head
the way it felt like my brain
was going to explode
at some known time and place
the way it felt like system malfunction
was taking it's course of faith
how it took so much away from my life

people say strong people never feel pain
and that they have no reason
to feel anything but joy
well those people are wrong
because I was once strong

and look what the **** happened
depression took over my soul
and stripped me of my voice
it broke me to the point
of almost shooting myself
in the head with a gun
that's what my dreams
always consisted of
suicide and a loss of pride
a loss of consciousness
felt like someone was
controlling my heart
poking holes
and making me bleed
until I was seeing stars
even if I was behind doors
my mind made me delusional
made me drift away from reality
I'm still not myself at all
not functioning properly

I don't sleep anymore
not even drugs are a cure
not even *** stimulates
my naked body is a disgrace
when I look in the mirror
I can imagine it shatter

my whole sense of view
about everything of me
is honestly the worst
there is no in-between
sometimes I wonder
if life will ever get
as good as it once was

that chapter of my life
is still yet un-explored
but I picture it
in my head
all the time

There are times in a young woman's life
Where she has to protect herself
Protect her heart and words
Because nothing ever lasts
Unless you know boundaries
When it comes to love
When it comes to trust
When it comes to honesty
When it comes to security

Girls grow up thinking
''Growing up sounds fun''
But then, as time goes on
We begin to miss being *young
Being free spirits in terms of youth
In terms of thinking and feeling
And the importance of confidence
As well as being free to have fun
As if life had just begun

Young girls are more confident
Well, in the childhood days
But as they grow and understand
The importance of beauty overshadows them
And as they go through puberty
They realize how much beauty
Is a major factor in happiness
When they become obsessed
With self-appearances
And body types
Make-up
Alcohol
Drugs
*****

Maybe when I'm on the news
And the headlines tell the world I'm dead..
Maybe you'll keep your mouth shut
For the other girls you use..
Spare there lifes..
When you didn't care enough to spare mine
I thought you would understand considering that you're depressed to
But no
Instead of telling people the truth
You lie, And I understand because that's all you know how to do..
But the fact that I gave you what you wanted
And you play me like a fool..
Because you couldn't keep your mouth shut
You couldn't stop the narcissistic behavior for just one day
And I
just don't know what to do anymore
And I'm so embarrassed.
After what you did
Even if there not laughing at me
I still don't want you to be hurt
Because everyone's laughing at you..
What you said, sure it hurts
News flash, I still really care about you
But don't blame me, if I don't have the strength to see you again
To return your smiles
Or say yes to your desires
It's too late now
For everything
For hope
For us
For me.

Don't cry, pretty girl.
You're beautiful to me
Don't cry, little girl
Stop for a moment and see
That everyone around you
Everyone, and me
Loves and  gives a **** about you
Someday you will see
That you're not the only one that feels all alone..
So don't cry pretty girl
Don't waste your precious tears
On people, ugly people that are ruled by there fears..