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Pendragon Feb 2018
It piles on and when I finally crumble under the weight of it, it's far too much to take.
I joke about it all the time,  "I'm pretty much the master of not dealing with things."
I joke but it a serious thing. I deal with nothing and and let it pile on.  Until eventually, I crumble. I take a long hot shower, my skin turns red. One  minute  passes by then another and another.  Soon enough the tears start to fall, and I can't stop them. **** the **** is broken, all the feelings left unspoken, coming out in waves. Dude get it together. You can't fall apart, you aren't weak, well maybe you are. So I take a deep breath in, release, it move on. The only thing your good at is pretending you are fine. So **** it the **** up move on.  Your strength sets with the sun, go to bed early, let the tears all fall. Let the thoughts bounce all around in your skull. When it's dark, it's easier to crumble. When it's dark and you are alone, there's no need for walls.
Pendragon Sep 2017
You would know that voice anywhere,
The deep, loud sound, that has always instilled fear.
The kind of fear that makes your blood run cold and hot. The kind that freezes you on the spot. Too paralyzed in fear.  Takes the very breath from your lungs.
You know those eyes, the same ones that were always too close. The ones that looked upon you with the most hate you have ever seen.  Eyes so close, voice so loud. You can't move fear roots you to the spot.
You don't know what the monster is saying, but it's occupying all of your thoughts.
You've tried so hard to detach from the monster, to remove it from yourself.
Eventually, someone points it out, so you look in the mirror, and take a long good look at yourself.
What you see looking back is the one thing you've tried so hard not to become.
The monster inside.
Rough draft
Pendragon Aug 2017
There's no need to remind me.
I already know.
I struggle with this more than
Anyone would know.
Many hours spent thinking and alone.
There's no need to remind me.
I know too well.
My existence is useless.
An absolute waste.
Please, stop reminding me,
I already know.
Pendragon Aug 2017
I've sat idly and watched as my world came crashing down.
The weight of it all stealing the breath from my lungs.
I've gotten up like nothing was wrong.
Sat and watched while everyone carried on, like I haven't just lost my entire world.
But they don't know, they can never know.
So I pick up broken pieces, severed limbs, empty lungs, and am forced to carry on.
Smile on my face, as if I hadn't lost my world.
Forced to say goodbye.
Forced to walk away.
Forced to give up my world, the only thing that mattered.
Forced to walk away like I'm completely unaffected.
As the world falls down.
Pendragon Mar 2017
Everything is right where I left it. It's been so long, I feel the weight in my palm. Cool metal, and plastic against hot, cold, clammy hands. Hearing the slider click to open.
Waves of nostalgia ripple, like waves in the ocean. While it's just in my hand, I can feel the Peace of being split open. So many years being clean, want to fall out of the window and drown in the ocean. I want to know, does it help the same? Will it dull the pain? It's calling out to me,  it knows what I've done. I wonder if I can stop at just one?
Pendragon Mar 2017
Hollowed out, the shell of a person. Emptied out nothing left inside
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