When I cannot take it anymore,
I am being "too much".

Give me a reason to stay,
When all my poems
Are apparently based on someone else,
Father.

Please, don't come near me.
Leave me with my life,
But only if
I ever had one.

"We are okay,"
I know you all aren't,
"We hope you are too,"*
It is no use.

1/
i say i don't break things so easily
i just tend to make the neat messy

we both know it's not
anything so good to be proud about
i don't because i can't
i am so weak, fragile as early glaze
one touch and i scatter to water

2/
you are the king
and i would like to be your nightingale
but i am the kind of bird
that doesn't sing
i soar high and kiss the sky
for my king has spoken
that i long to fall
and yes i do

you are the king
and even with broken crown
your people still love you
but one thing i know
there will always be
the love that soon becomes burden
i know that being loved is such a burden
you are the king not god
only god greed for love
you greed for work you farmer king
your farmland spans acres
and acres and acres
until you can't recognize it anymore
because bigger picture is always confusing
that's how i long to fall
even when i think all i long
is to tear these wings off
to fall
you say do not for i would fall just because i am learning to fly
and i believe in you
i will fly and kiss the sky
and soar so high so i can see
your farmland from above
smalling and becoming smaller and smaller --

i will take pictures for you
or write it down for you
as i always do

3/
you didn't manage to save the bird
and it died

and i said, why care; it would die anyway
i meant it for i was also a bird
i would die anyway
but i would never forget this regret
even though you said i was right

you didn't manage to save the bird
but you saved the tree and me
and we will die
but before we do
we live
and it's all thanks to you

4/
i do not worry about you, let alone too much
i worry about the me in the east wing
on the tower above the plath heart

she loves thunders but doesn't want storms
and she is lazy even to talk or breathe
but she still wants to explore the kingdom
she wants a journey to the head
not to mess, not to change a thing
only to look around
to come again
later

but the king says no,
there is not pretty and full of anger
not much beauty to find there --
does he really think that she seeks beauty?

let me remind you;
even when i do, my king,
you don't doubt my purity.

Half of me
breathe
the other half
effort to

Something
mess up
brain
chemicals

Too quiet
prohibit
voices
breath

Dying
universal
back of a person's head
wish, faster

My stomach wasn't like this before.
My stomach was the neutral thing.
My stomach wasn't this much of a lake creature.
My stomach was a soft, balanced thing.
My stomach wasn't this sharp before.
My stomach didn't cut me open.
My stomach didn't make me hurt.
My stomach was the one keeping me yellow.
My stomach now loves too much of red thing.
My stomach now loves too much of sour and spicy thing.
My stomach now, I cannot blame her.
My stomach now, is all my fault.
My stomach will not understand my evil intention.
My stomach will cry in joy.
My stomach will end up having party in my mouth.
She loves pinkish shade, like a tongue.

Sun that smells like rain
rising from my chest, the warmth
that leaves water prints.

It doesn't matter.
The chest is for the unknowns;
Mine is torn open.

I will not choose one-
Scattering the energy;
Is not it a choice?

It's easy
and light

so clear
and bright

like christmas or
another birthday

But the clouds
are actually

heavy

cruel

painful

They ****

even when
you stay in

passenger seat
next to a stranger

whose head
rests on your shoulder

And when they wake up
oh when they wake up;

The way you smile
is the way

they judge you
so

Don't.

My entire body is a weapon
against myself.

*O God!

I want to forget breathing
Let the carbon dioxide take over my body
The lungs would be happy
The heart would rest calmly
It's so quiet here
There is a party in the brain
Celebrating the win over wars

They praise you a lot
The God of War

The rivers would stop
No one needs time anymore
Blood and heads and blades

They praise you a lot

The God of War
You won't let peace become

Oh, you!

Whose God am I fighting?
You are not mine anymore
The temples have fallen
No statues, not even one

Dust
The God of War
You are now dust and I am wind
You are no more
You are no more

The rain is dead
You can't be helped

You were praised a lot, oh, you!
The God of War

Whose God am I fighting?
You are no more

The wind doesn't breathe
I have come to forget breathing
It's so quiet here!
I am the wind, oh, you, dust!
Dust, The God of War is now dust
You are no more-

*Celebrating the win over wars
I would never win over you

My dear Mars
My God of War

I'll soon graduate,
yet I cannot read one book
without reader's blocks.

I promised to hate
what you love, but Sylvia;
Sylvia's my earth.

i will turn off my phone
and look at the door;
as long as the brown of
the wood stays as itself
as long as it is there
as long as i can find it
after every single time blinking
as long as it does not open
as long as the air does not change
as long as i do not know
if you are behind
if you are hesitating to knock
if you are waiting
for me to reach the door ****

I am as sweet as
doomsday; ruined, crushed, bleak; full of
denials of deaths.

My heart is shattered as i recall the way you kissed me.

You used your tongue as you realized that looking at each other's eyes was a little bit of a burden. you didn't deny it. but about the things which were too much, you didn't tell me. you only told me to act as if nothing had ever happened. after you saved me from myself and you cried because i hurt my own skin, now do you still think it is possible for me to forget that? maybe you can do anything but i clung to you until i numbed my fingers. my fingers purple and rotten ******* i swear i didn't mean to let g*

You let me drown alone, so i did. nothing was your business. i drowned alone and nothing honestly had ever been your business.

I won't go home, mother.
I don't have any.
And I'll only make you cry.
I'll only make you feel worthless.

I don't make you proud.
I can't love you enough.
I cannot love.
I'll only hurt you.

And most of the time
I don't care if I do.
And the other time
I care, and, that is why.

"I feel loved but I
never be happy*) because
of it. Go away."

It was another
nightmare I din't mind having.
At least, I met you.

1/

you stink like ***.
your throat attracts flies.

your belly sounds like toilet.
you talk like the flush--the best thing, actually.

just nothing beautiful about being alive, you said, you were so sure.

you never liked anything beautiful.
you never really liked yourself.

2/

morning. you wake up knowing exactly how it is to be ****.
you brush your teeth only for politeness.

you make friends but you make sure they smell what's inside.
day passes. optical illusion frustrates you.
your mirror frustrates you. pretend not to care.
you eat like a moth. quiet and frightened.
kindness and affection frustrate you.

3/

night. stomach, empty. you eat sadness.
at least what you can't feel, you can taste.

A fragile glass swan I bought when I was seven.

When I speak clear
I am boring (and awkward)
(Not that when I don't I am not)
I hate these feelings
(Not that these really are feelings)
Isn't this circle too tiny?
I am back to that phase again
The words left me with none
(Yeah, you may say these are words
But these aren't really really words)
----
Each word has a soul;
I think I just killed them yet
Again

who i am, even what i am,
i couldn't care less.
every time the answer comes,
it soon becomes trash.
am i me or am i not me?
who is this me? what is this me?
who i am, even what i am,
i never know.
i never find the answer.
i've had enough of questioning.
let me be a speck of dust blown by the wind
or a dead fish following the stream.
i am not conscious.
i cannot be.
i am an object.
i am not living.
i am dead.
whoever i am, whatever i am,
it's not important ---
*anymore.

You cannot hear my cry
Not only because I am noisy yet voiceless

I am not a stream
Nothing that wells nor flows

But tonight I'll dream of an ocean
So vast it has its own milky way

I'll dream of the tides, and storms above
I'll dream of thunders and earth's wrath

Before sleep, stillness, it's I who keep it;
My mirror keeps humming a wraith

Rain, rain hard would it.
Common unhappiness, cool.
What's very easy.

I am not gardening.
Nor writing poetry.
Do it yourselves.

Don't call her darkness.
Don't call her what she wasn't.
Don't call her tragic.

The way my father
speaks is the way my head hurts;
purely true headache.

O, glorious thing!
Let us do it gracefully --
*Take my warmth from me

I am not a fiction
I am not a dusty gem which needs to be polished
I am not worth to be kept

So here I am
Publishing drafts of bleeding heart
Disgusts you enough?

I desperately want to exist
Without a name
Nor fame

I killed her, i killed her
But she isn't dead*
My death, my death,
I killed her
But she isn't dead

Don't tell me who I
Am, don't tell me how I am;
Don't tell me at all.

I told you purple
was my favorite. But, see,
really, I had none.

When i hide, you go
Seek. Why can't you understand,
As simple as that?

So, what if i seek
Freedom? What if i want to
Leave what's "important"?

why do you seek beauty?
is it to balance that you feel ugly?

one found ugly in beauty
another found beauty in ugly

and who couldn't find anything in anything
being left out
outcasted

because you can't possibly
be so pure
you can't possibly be so pure

I don't want to hurt --
did it too much already;
to you and myself.

ii.

Why should I change?
Last night's scent
is all I need to mend.

What are you afraid of?

It is always the first thing
I want to ask right after the first *hi
but it is also always
the thing
I finally dare to ask
after the last
bye.

She is natural
disaster; i have to be
deaf to hear her voice.

it rains hard
the barren heart
it starts to flood
house of darts

envy
kills
slowly
so
slowly
you think it makes you
stronger

hating words
i said to myself
but don't remember
what
separated by a glass door
i was outside
i was inside
which of i was really i?
i saw me
trapped outside
absorbing darts of
hatred
such an unacceptable self
i couldn't go in
i couldn't enter
i wouldn't let me to
pools of tears
but eyes not blurry
i still could see clear
i still could feel and hear
the hatred
the muted screams
all the stabbing feelings
invisible wounds, transparent blood
the anger
the fears
what am i afraid of?
it's me
it's me which i am afraid of
oh come on
who is this me and this i?
stop making fun of
me????

Some of you will love me
Because my soul is ugly
Because you can be more pretty
When you are around me

"Where's my psychiatrist?"
"You don't need them."

And she breaks down and she picks her pieces all by herself.

"As if!"

She's waiting at the gate.
She's balanced.
She doesn't need anything external.
She's got it all.
She's got all her pieces complete.

"But that's not that."
"Your thinking is the consequence."

Only once.
She only wants once.

I do a lot of
bad solos at stage corner
so you won't notice.

Flowers and fruits have
seasons; You too? I wonder
what scent you would lose.

why did you delete those
don't you dream of something eternal
don't you want to build good tombstone

what else are you erasing
don't you ever feel connected
don't you think you hold us now we fall apart

you realized but when would you accept
our feet covered with salt and sand
our hair the cloud and sun

keep on living
even when only bodies left
if i could i would trade your arms with mine

You don't understand
and i won't ever explain.
I do not either.

no one cares
until it gets physical