I sleep at night just like everybody else,
only rougher, harsher, harder
than average. Nothing special
about thinking every night is the last
just so you can fall asleep.
No matter what, morning always comes
the same
for all people.

I meet and talk to people just like
everybody else. Only that I
stumble at my heart, bleed all the time inside.
I keep crying in all the wrong ways,
keep abusing my voice,
can't tell anymore what's incorrect.
So nothing to fix, nothing to be curious about,

there's no question in the first place, only
if
waving is
the
way to
say
goodbye,
would you
consider
me
as the
ocean?

dancing to the sound of headache,
i needed you more than i'd anticipated.
"catch me only when i fall,"
as though falling was the only thing
about catching.
strands of hair have never bothered me so much
it starts hurting
instead of motivating me to get up,
to get up, to get up and unwreck my dress.
i fell ill.
at this point usually we laugh it off,
how temperature must've been feeling sick
of those unaffecfed.
we hit the rock as if there was no other way (there wasn't)
to fill an hourglass full enough
we wouldn't have to worry about time--

silly us--but, actually
that's what i like about
you.

Can't you sleep
when the
sky crumbles

Tender, heavy, that
is happiness for
you. A nocturne

lies upon your
soul, moth which wings
clear as cakes of the

clown. Can't
you
sleep when

the
earth breaks for
your

body, light
and
swollen

is a girl
shining shy
Poured down the ground

I look pale. Where's the blood?
They are scared. I knew it.
What gets better? They are all gone.
It's dusty. Fragile. Old thing.
We all want to leave the town. Admit it. Just like that.

light, light, light. it's a whole experience. cut me into two pieces. right left. i'd never been so symmetric. the ground sparkled. dorothy knocking. the house blown. wind whisper leaves laugh. i'd never felt such courage. candles weren't lit in the dark haze was reflecting the light.

moon hanging too low it hit my head. ruby glistened between the branches. hands reaching out for fear, god trembling and dropped the glass. it rained hurt only to remind life to remain. every body is a coffin to the soul, food to the soil. when finally we are one it doesn't happen. the window was open. only small i carefully ran away it doesn't end.

when you're sick your mind is not right
all you want to do is to survive
but everyone's telling you you're mistaken
"no, not like that" yet never did they
then tell you like what,
like what in a way you can understand

At least I can go home if I want to. I can wash away all the earthquakes but I choose being crumbled instead. Glad you are here. You are watching me swell as I go closer to death. Is it so comfortable in my head--I think not--you do not leave me even when your body does?

This is more okay than nothing at all. I know what nothing at all means. That only means me when I am not anywhere and have nowhere to go, that only means you when you are nowhere yet everywhere but here. I am sad, too, when I had to accept that the soil, sand, sea--that all of it was you.

Was it really you, or just was the sky this blue before you left? Was it pure, or was it bitter? You sing and smoke and we talk. You smile, I stop, heart stops, flow stops, and I really have nowhere to go. If only that had tasted salty yet sweet, at least I had my own tongue. Though none of the papillae now matters.

It's all too tiring.
Don't you tell me not to fear,
That keeps me here.

Heaven surely does exist; people with depression must have known it all too well. Heaven is a place without bodies, therefore without physical needs. Nothing has ever felt emptier than abandoning your own stomach and your own lungs. Heaven is a place without sleep, even without sleepiness. All is pure and cold but there's no skin to feel that anyway. Heaven is a place without ambition, without the need to be on top. Communists must have learned it from them, though all with flesh shall fail. Heaven is a place where dead people live, where tomorrow nor yesterday do not exist, where today is one eternity. All is numb and enough, nothing could ever be better nor worse. Heaven is satisfied. Heaven falls to your brain, but all with flesh shall fail.

running away from reality sounds nice
i have the doors but not the rooms
it all begins in one sentence
i could have just laughed it off
my, my, my dear funny thing
whom are you kidding?
it's just as ****** up as it is
heart, heart, heart, keep it beating

Give me a reason to stay,
When all my poems
Are apparently based on someone else,
Father.

Please, don't come near me.
Leave me with my life,
But only if
I ever had one.

too angry

no one cares
until it gets physical

You want to erase father from your life, but that doesn't matter anymore. You can't change anything whether or not you write poems about father. Everything you do it will stay plain and dull, like the child you were, like the child you still are.

You own your body without even you realizing it. It's okay, though. Now I'm telling you that your ******* are yours, that your tongue is yours, that your lips are yours. Your flesh is yours, my dear. It has nothing to do with father's flesh. Only his DNA and mother's, that's all.

You know, your skin hasn't changed much. It's still pure and innocent, just like the finest fabric, just like an angel's. And you know, it's okay to remember your scars, it's still there to remind you something better than the tiny pop of blood vessels. Scars remind you that healing is a process, and not all red will stay red forever.

When it hurts i stop for a bit. two bits. or three until it's pretty okay, at least until the peristaltis calms down a little so i can continue stuffing my mouth with garbage. they say mouth is hungrier than stomach, but i don't even know when my stomach is empty or full or numb or is it just because she's no longer here? has she left my body without me knowing? is it why my chest keeps hurting instead of this round belly?

When it hurts i think that's when it's okay to cry. but everytime i cry it stops because nothing in this world is free anymore, everything has a price and i keep feeling confused for what i have to choose. if i got to choose you know what i would, even though i don't, even though it's so last year, you know, last year i finally determined my choice but deep down i was still confused, and now i am too afraid to go even once more to the depth. if i got to choose, first i'd like to choose an answer to do i really have rights over my own body?

No. no, i don't. for my entire life i've been choosing no as the answer. and pleasant surprise for you, that's what's keeping me alive.

All along in my tongue mother comes she stays for quite a long time. it was all in my head when i decided i had my own taste because i certainly don't, i had been so tasteless before i was growing out of a broken moon in mother's funny womb.

My tongue is the ungrateful one. at least i can appreciate the fact that i once had purity but when in this silly world nothing greater than intensity and dirt all over the place so, basically mother saved me. she'd put all her might on my tongue and god it is definitely infinite!

Now stomach is exhausted and head understands too much, now and then they both ache for each other, they both are trying to ruin me again and burn me with jealousy. for all what i've done is mother's doings, for all what i've tasted is mother. honestly i can't remember anymore how neutral tasted like, how my own tongue tasted like.

All along in my tongue mother has been lazy and a queen. nothing moves her except i remove my own tongue, but twist is she only comes and stays and she never goes. (god isn't this pointless, what use of your face if i can't see it, if my feet keep dragging me further from your back, if my glasses keep shattering and my eyes full of sand?)

(Nothing is keeping me away from you anymore, even when mother nags in my tongue and sour thing meddles with my throat.) i have been emptier before but nothing matters anymore, i was here before i am not, now i must have known the taste i've lost because of mother or not because of her, it's actually nothing at all.

God this head is about to explode
with nothing is ever going on
nothing is ever getting done

hey, aren't you funny
come here, please do more
have my skin, breathe me in

i only want your hands, your milky fingers
well, your voice, your silky vibes
yes, calm me down, stop me when i raise my voice

just how did we become so old?
see how you did not change even for a bit
i begin to forget the years we have been through

were you even really there,
were you even real, hey,
before this really ends don't you just want to say something?

God my head is about to explode
isn't this too overwhelming,
all the years we have been through?

The first time i touched a girl i didn't know it was supposed to be light and tasteless. it was an earthquake, light just because i was so close to the earth. i remember my own tongue tasted like sea and blue.

The first time i touched a girl we were both 8. she laughed because i was trembling too much. my hands were cold like chilled tea, but she didn't know beneath her thick clothes that it was actually a thing.

The first time i touched a girl it was a girl with naturally red cheeks. my mother used to call her tomato cheeks, and i'd tell my mother how healthy her skin was. as healthy as her healthy hair, dark brown, long and smooth and straight.

It felt different when i couldn't touch a girl. not that i wanted to touch her, but we were 13, and she had a boyfriend, and i wanted a boyfriend too. but her smile was my cure and i kept searching for her teeth in the night sky.

When i was 15 i met a girl and we became good friends. when i touched her it was friendly but i wanted it to grow even more and more intense. i hadn't realized until i saw her bare back, i wanted her, i wanted her so bad i should stop.

But i didn't really stop. i do not stop, i am unable to stop. 11 years from when i first touched a girl i still long for tenderness and soft skin.

ii.

smooth thing, you have thighs
seem sweet and chewy, no bake.
please sit on my face.

My stomach wasn't like this before.
My stomach was the neutral thing.
My stomach wasn't this much of a lake creature.
My stomach was a soft, balanced thing.
My stomach wasn't this sharp before.
My stomach didn't cut me open.
My stomach didn't make me hurt.
My stomach was the one keeping me yellow.
My stomach now loves too much of red thing.
My stomach now loves too much of sour and spicy thing.
My stomach now, I cannot blame her.
My stomach now, is all my fault.
My stomach will not understand my evil intention.
My stomach will cry in joy.
My stomach will end up having party in my mouth.
She loves pinkish shade, like a tongue.

The eye was hurt plenty of times before.
In a hollow filled with nice things,
they overflowed, no one was a baby to a right hand.
In the other hand, field of moms trying so desperately to avoid babies,
moms setting all toilets and fingers as contraception,
moms anxious about boys and suspicious about girls.
Boys apparently had those pregnancy machines and girls were the neutral side,
boys just had to plant smarty seed to see what number would show in girls' innocent tummy.
Boys grow as engineers and the engines often roar like crazy,
though it is now different from what I was taught about girls.
-----------
-----------
Skin was just some other walls,
but, really, skin is marshmallow
even the softest tongue can destroy.
You know, tummy
isn't that really innocent either.
Tummy was a determined sister in a dim church,
tummy was mother mary and holy spirit,
tummy was not an apetite for what wasn't in the tabernacle.
Tummy now has cracked her shell, so I see inside,
apparently tummy has some other things beside a fertile empty land.
The gases and the blood are in different tunnels, though
there is something else about miss tummy womb.
She isn't at all neutral, she isn't at all an item of the season.
She softens every time it rains, she makes
her own weather in her own territory.
I now know, neutral was only the word stuck between scared parents' teeth,
neutral was only the gift we didn't know was a troll,
neutral was only a paradox in the most destructive way possible.
-----------
-----------
Careful with essentially hurtful words, we
sweat, with perfect heat,
as the skins melt into one giant chewy lump.
What I didn't know about skin was
that girls had skin too,
girls just were not in their element back then;
I think girls with metallic things were sinners just a little bit too checkmate,
I think girls were housewives just a little bit too godlike.

i.

you wore a summer high school shirt,
with your arm poured at my skin like milk;
back then cereals were all i could long for.

i hoped for some electricity,
but the night was too strong to be lit;
mildly frustrated light turned into heat.

darkness had become a nice home,
where all the weirdness collided
like cotton candy and a starstruck heart.

you spoke, as the sky fell,
with your lips swollen like honey;
that was the time i found moonlight.

(Legs and legs and legs)
      I carry my thighs like I am the capital city of the family
      Once in a while I stumble, I can't break just so no one collapses
(Legs and legs and legs)
      I wear my knees like I've never prayed before
      Awkward yet soft, I stand in an athlete's manner
(Legs and legs and legs)
      Calves cold as marble pillars, my body is a church
      Sinners climbing my legs, I guide them into the light
(Legs and legs and legs)
      Just which feet was I given?
      Just which door did I open?

my entrail doesn't speak
she's the quietest in my body
some say i'm just too shy
some didn't know what was just happening

my stomach sharp and confused
when i ******* own i taste sour
some say i'm just a little bit ill
some doesn't know what has been happening

when i'm weak i can buy junk food all i want
i can walk in the streets and face the boys in the stalls
still, my entrail doesn't speak
she's the quietest in my body

so forget the sweat, forget the spit
i'm saving my eyes for the street
i'm harming my earth for my heart
i feel the most calm when i drive fast

my eyes become a black hole as i speed
i swallow traffic accidents like religious scientist
across my window a drive thru fast-food restaurant
my entrail doesn't speak

she's the quietest in my body
my eyes become a black hole as i speed
to a secret cult i must be guided
i swallow traffic accidents like religious scientist

xiii.

Kisses, tongue and hickeys
Growing ******* pure as a saint

Curious skin, curious chirps
Sins bright as a sun

Secrets in the nights, regrets in the thighs
Can we unlearn something once it has been done?

Lips barren and unmoved
For wisdom is more valuable than rubies

Cheeks pale as a paper
Written down, your name

Dear mother,

The food here *****. I starve myself one day just to binge another day. Nothing satisfies me anymore. And the noises are just too much. In my head they are enough already.

Dear mother,

Except for the food, I cannot admit that I miss home. I shan't go back there. The noises are just too much. In my head they are enough already.

Dear mother,

I want to move. I want to run away. I want to go. But I can't cut the bond. But, but please stop trying to call me. Stop trying to talk to me. Lately I haven't been able to talk. I haven't been able to see myself as a daughter, or anything. The noises are just too much. In my head they are enough already.

Dear mother,

You are the last whom I want to blame, the last whom I want to hurt. I promise. But the noises are just too much. In my head they are enough already.

Mother used to say...
Mother used to say...
Mother used to say...

Crack a ground
Stand tall, a tongue
Swallowing bridges.

Cover a face
With faces seem like TV
Channels and ******* journalism.

High notes, hoarse voice
No neck has been hurt before.
Only skin and skin and skin

She bled, didn't care
She knew all the wrong things
And all the right doings.

I break my body not knowing my skin tearing apart has nothing to do with my shy soul. I bloat my stomach not realizing the peristaltis means what once was war still is a losing battle for both parties.

I stuff my silly mouth because she reeks of hunger and isolation. I stuff my silly mouth until my esophagus screams and emits fear blanketing the night sky.

she killed your breath
high pitched and dark
she broke your back
all the way from stomach

you don't drown in acid
you don't crawl from pool of tears

she put her head in the wrong neck
she twisted her fate for a wrong wrist
she cried out and died
all in your arms she stained so hard

*you don't drown in tears
you don't crawl from pool of acid

My arms just died, they
cannot hold you.
These legs, too

old and tired, I
cannot use them.
Don't drown, I cannot

swim. Don't
fall, I cannot
catch. Don't

leave, I cannot
say a thing.
Only this

poor letter.

truth is sweet
a cherry in the tongue
dry lips
dull eyes

nothing has ever been so wrong
sour throat
wind floats like hair
mermaid's neck

isadora's tips of fingers
clean and short

car crash by car crash
everybody listens

avoid the lights
hide in the hole
find behind the walls

anyone would wish sharper
darker
harder
quieter

All smiles are rotten now.
Were it only broken, we could save them.
The barren faces, they do no justice.

Confused souls entail confused bodies.
Wicked brains, are they just lazy?
Were they, imbalances would be irrelevant.

Shocking made up stories, unless we tell you the truth.
Just some false memories we strongly believe.
Grosser than anything else.

It's so common, rejection and abandonment.
Bravely we hide the words from voices.
Courageous children in adult form.

1/

you stink like ***.
your throat attracts flies.

your belly sounds like toilet.
you talk like the flush--the best thing, actually.

just nothing beautiful about being alive, you said, you were so sure.

you never liked anything beautiful.
you never really liked yourself.

2/

morning. you wake up knowing exactly how it is to be ****.
you brush your teeth only for politeness.

you make friends but you make sure they smell what's inside.
day passes. optical illusion frustrates you.
your mirror frustrates you. pretend not to care.
you eat like a moth. quiet and frightened.
kindness and affection frustrate you.

3/

night. stomach, empty. you eat sadness.
at least what you can't feel, you can taste.

i lack.
my eyes heavy.
my stomach no manner.
my feet don't matter.
throat dry.
nose greasy.
head funky.
hair a nest.
skin a test.
ears don't hear.
mouth no tongue no teeth.
i lack.
my heart cool and flat.
my chest a child.
celestial lungs.
carbon and one o.
sleepy sleep.
it's morning already.

Those who believe there's no beginning
Cannot end anything
What one of a kind

And her head, and her neck, and her tongue
All twisted
With manner

You know, the elders' tears
Taste like flowers
The elders' eyes
See like warm mirror

The reflection
Wild and vivid

The garden grows by
Themselves

why did you delete those
don't you dream of something eternal
don't you want to build good tombstone

what else are you erasing
don't you ever feel connected
don't you think you hold us now we fall apart

you realized but when would you accept
our feet covered with salt and sand
our hair the cloud and sun

keep on living
even when only bodies left
if i could i would trade your arms with mine

"Where's my psychiatrist?"
"You don't need them."

And she breaks down and she picks her pieces all by herself.

"As if!"

She's waiting at the gate.
She's balanced.
She doesn't need anything external.
She's got it all.
She's got all her pieces complete.

"But that's not that."
"Your thinking is the consequence."

Only once.
She only wants once.

he was just a lion
smells like one
bites like one

oh, glad you came
see off all my zoo fantasy
oh, is it too late

you were there, in geography
you were there, avoiding history
you were a flagless country

nothing else feels like rainforest
all green and earth now dry
oh, is it too late

you ruin it for me
he was a lion
you kept pouring asphalt

my mistake it is, my, my bad
i have thighs like rainforest
you forgot

you know better than me
everything you do has meaning
every step you make is correct*

eyes don't lie, only hard to understand
chasing illusion
too off, no control

a sea of worries
fall in, deeper, deeper
looking for easy way out

eyes wide open, filled with salt
it's red, full of genesis
tastes sour, just right

I deserve some medical/neurological explanations.
Please just let me cry to sleep.
Or at least just let me cry.
Or at least just let me sleep.
Pick one, you.
I did.
I picked one. Doom.
My mistake lies in the pocket.
My mistake is written all over my face.
Bloom.
It doesn't have another meaning. I just happen & I got to end.

from home to home,
i run away.

leaving behind
what i can't take.

greater than that,
i might break

pushing limits,
because, really, i've none.

just fair, the damage
won't be undone.

from home to home.
betraying trust,

collecting future
like butterflies.

growing lies
for a safe grave.

i ran away.
i forgot.

Go outside the room
And ask, you understand, right?
Plants make no noise.

living with a mind this
gladly doing the ***** i do not aspire to
very slow clap because my hands are full
& the thrill is gone
spending days friendless, loveless
in loneliness
nothing lies within
no pleasure coming
wearing mask, cannot take it off
easy task, only fake sweetness
wrenches me bad, even god
must get the blues

Rain, rain hard would it.
Common unhappiness, cool.
What's very easy.

"It gets better."
"I cannot see that."

"One day you would."
"But when is one day?"

When a wound heals, it doesn't immediately disappear. "It takes time."
"I run out of time."

Time is a mere man-made concept, nothing more. "Please don't say that."
"Yeah, I knew I shouldn't." Innocence is somehow socially accepted yet purity and honesty aren't.

"I hope you understand." What's said and left unsaid. They all matter and I hope you understand. I really do.
I wish you did understand. "I do. I completely understand."

Am I dancing too wild, or, do you not know what is it to be human?
Even from the first time you saw my mother's blood,
I've been man-made ever since,
I've been completely aware of it,
My whole life, it's always been plastic.
But soul resists, and brain screams,
And heart keeps the beats out of rhythm, all the time.
Strange & complex animals humans are.

Was Tuesday, pale and gray
Hungry, stray, cold as the cat
It happened then, stayed
Come any near, you are slashed

If I had, I'd give you
Time, forever, mortal
Wings to fly, hands to pray
Eyes to close, lungs to shut

For another cry, good and dry
Without skin, melt a touch
No heat, no cloud to lift
Was Tuesday, all the saints' lips

What astronomer, the stargazer
What is it like from above?
What metaphor, such tongue
Warmth matters not any longer

Your stomach is real, I can feel it,
More than the womb, through
The first petal I ever adore,

Your rosey skin
In a burn, moonlight-glazed,
Silvery, beautiful.

Your blinking pores, angelic,
No one breathes, I
Know it from the very beginning.

Heavenly and emotionless,
A useless throat,
Ungrateful neck,

Cracking voice and weak whistle,
Childlikely broken.
Your stomach is real, I

Know it from the very beginning,
Dry and sour, clever and hygienic,
Scentless and free,

Beautiful.

I'm not a wave, I'm not the sky, I do not change, I stay, I do not go, I do not run, I do not walk, I do not move.
I am the work of your palm, your girl, a clay, heavy yet easy, one time I am burnt but end up having soul.
Just like Pinocchio my nose grows longer everytime I lie, so when I try I give up, when I remove my nose my tongue gets off too.
Just like Pinocchio I want to be a good child, to make you proud. Just like Pinocchio I have no brain, no any trace of your H. sapiens DNA, you did not give me that well.
Only these fingers are right, only these fingers are going to reveal the truth I've failed to chase.
These fingers have blood, bones and skin. These fingers have their own brains to work for me when mine is gone.

I am your tombstone, you don't want to admit you are a narcissist, I admit it instead.
Right in front of you is the lake, it is really me, you do not reflect, I drown in me instead.
The tale is near the end, it's all political act, when I shut down I do not, when I sleep I do not, I die, I die, I did not live, have never done.

//The sad sorry is wrenching my guts.
I just heard my sternum gone. Rest in peace, my girl.

//Sweet, too sweet for brown sugar.
Did you put it too much? I always have it too much.

//My moon won't wait for me to fall asleep.
She keeps falling from my eyes, leaving my body just like that.

//Just stop. Stop it. Please stop it.
Don't let me enter your thoughts.

//In the morning is the worst.
If you know what I mean, I am sorry.