Age 5
Keeping it all to myself
Because I'm just a kid
I'm not old enough to know
Real pain

Age 8
Doing the same
As I hide away
Because I'm not old enough
To know real hardship

Age 9
Crying everyday
But I have nothing real
To cry over
As I'm too young to understand
Real issues

Age 10
Hiding the cuts and scrapes
Because I'm not old enough
To know how life really treats you

Age 12
Fading away
Locked up in a room
While I get told that I'm not old enough
For real issues

Age 13
No old enough to know
How bad ones body can really feel
Not old enough to really feel tired all the time
Not old enough

Age 16
Not old enough to know
The real struggles of an adult
Not old enough to know how hard money is to manage

Age 18
Its only been one year
Im not old enough to know
What its really like to be an adult
I'm not old enough to know true disability

Almost 20 now
Am I old enough yet?

You look at me for the first time
After I lose my memory of you
And I see a stranger
Giving me a lovely look
And I feel confused
By the way you look at me

I recap my memory with some assistance from you
You love me
I love you
Or that's what you tell me
But you're a stranger
This doesn't feel lovely
This feels lonely

Few weeks go by
Things are lovely
Sometimes
But when I collapse and I break
And I need you to help me back to shore
You're nowhere in sight
And I drown
And I'm lonely

I drown and just before I go under
I see you on the shore
Watching me
Observing me
And when I yell for your help
One last time
You yell back that you cant help me
From the shore
You're too far away to do anything

You don't jump in to try
You don't attempt to save me
You just allow me to drown
As you watch
So lonely

But when I can swim
All on my own
When I'm not drowning
You carry me around
You swim with me on your back
You hold my hand in the water
So lovely

I don't understand how you ended up on the shore
Right as I begin to drown
And I don't understand how you can no longer carry me
Right when I need it
Lo(n/v)ely

Feeling deep in my chest
Like I'm forgetting something
Or somebody
Important to me
Or what used to be

Feeling deep within
Like I'm empty
Where something important
Once stood
And whispered to me

Feelings
Fading
Along with memories
I held dear
And ones I have longed
To forget for awhile

I know you're missing
I know you're lost
But where the emptiness is
I cant seem to reach
To pull you back up
To the surface
Of being important to me

You've faded into
Nothing more
Than a lost memory

I dont need it
Your touch
But I crave it
The way it makes my skin warm
The way it makes me sweat
The way it makes me shy away
From you
As you pull me ever closer
Against you
Onto you
As you pull me into you
And yourself into me

I dont need it
Your touch
Or atleast thats the way
I wish my mouth
Would say the words
But instead I whisper

"I need you"
"I crave you"
"I cant live without this"
"Touch me, please, I beg"
"Devour me with new memories
Fade the old ones"

I don't just want it
I need it
And if you cant provide
I cant provide you
With my love
Because the need comes from above

Above my mind
Above my own heart
Beyond and before

It comes from before
When the only love I knew
Was when he touched me
So the only love I craved
Was him defiling me
So now I crave to be defiled by you

People love you more
The more you hate yourself

You love the way I cry
When something inside me
Once again dies

You love the way
It gives all opportunity
To save me

You love the way I scar
After I cleanse myself
Deep inside

You love the way
That my memories of you
Will never fade from my body

You love the way it hurts
When you love me
Internally

You love that it means
I dont feel as if I was loved
By so many others

You love that im broken
You love the I'm damaged
You love that you can save me
You love the way I cling to every nice word
Action
And promise

But you hate the way
That I can learn
To love myself
Even when I hate
That I exist

I dont wanna die
I just wanna know that I can
But I wont try

I'll take every word you speak
And I'll drown undearneath
What each word means

I'll cut til I bleed enough
That it's all I can see
And maybe get dizzy

I'll fantasize and research
Finding any possible way
That would for sure be permanent

I'll cut over top of veins
And relish the pain
As I think of him

I'll drown underneath a blanket
Of trauma
Broken dreams
And PTSD

I'll drown underneath every memory
Where someone
Hurt me

I'll make you feel seen
So that you fall in love with me
The way I
Fell in love with you

I'll give you what you want
Even if that means
Tearing apart every single
Thing I need

I require love
I require touch
I collapse when alone

My lungs collapse
And I cant breath

My thoughts collapse
And I can't see

My heart collapses
And I cant do anything
But crave the need
To be in your arms
Or anyones

I cling
And I break myself
For you

They all take advantage
Of my need
For another

They take the blade
That I hold
And they drive it deep
With every lost action
Every cold word
Every false promise
Every "I love you" filled with air

They take my love
And leave it
Completely in
Misrepair