Only thing I want
Is your care
You concern
For you to see me
And hear me

But you only care
When it means my attention
My affection
When you're lonely
And desperate

I am nothing to you
But a means to an end
Of your lonely existence

You ask if I could ever be friends
And I laugh at that stupid question
Because how do you genuinely not see
That you have no care
No concern for me
When I'm nothing beyond a friend
When you can't have me in your bed
When you don't occupy
An affectionate space in my head

I lay here swinging
Drowning in my thinking

I'm lying
I lay there
Close to dying

A dull blade
A universal notice
To save this for another day

An emotion
A thought
Swims through the murky sea
Reaches out to me

I sense it
I feel it
I grab onto it
You
Wanting for this not to end
Wanting to just pretend that I'm not

L
  Y
    I
      N
         G

I wasn't laying there
So very very close to

D
  Y
    I
     N
       G

I could see the vein
Couldn't feel the pain

Watched the blood flow
No emotional control

I'm lying
I'm sorry
I wanted to be there
Dying
And was only saved
By a dull blade
But an attempt
Was made

Home
Thats what it feels like
When I hold you close to me
And take your scent into my being

Home
Thats what it feels like
When you wrap your arms
Ever so gently around me

Home
Thats what it feels like
When you kiss me
Until I lose my breath

Home
Thats what it feels like
When you comfort me
And stroke my hair softly
While you whisper special words
Or silently do so
With no unspoken word unheard

Home
Thats what it feels like
When I lived with you
When I'm with you
When I talk to you
When I hear you

Home
Is what it feels like
With everything to do
With
YOU

My arms burn in anticipation
My mind breaks under antagonization
My body falters under pre determination
Not again
Here again
Don't relapse
But I'm already bleeding again

I collapse under my own mind
Body binded under the weight
Drowning
Binded under this lake
Feeling unsafe

Home?
House

Safe?
No

Collapsing
Relapsing
Broken
And bleeding
Staining every thought
Every feeling
Turning them red
Laying them down
Dead

I've been hiding me
From you
Hiding
Through and through
The agony that I'm experiencing
That has to do with you
And everything around
Lack of any foundation or ground

Why
Though

Why?
No

I don't want to accept it
Bury it
Hide it
Dig a hole fifty feet deep
Throw it down
Bury it underground

But it claws its way back up
A creature with no face
Claws
And no grace

It claws its way back up
Slowly dragging its body
Getting closer
And closer
Close enough to hear it
To imagine its face
And its disembodied voice

I hear the creak of its bones
The shiver of its voice
The crackling of its soul

It emerges
Old
And cold
But not unfamiliar

It has no face
No voice
But I recognize the way it looks
And sounds
More than anything else

It crawls up to my face
Looks me in the eye
And I smell the decay
Of all the rotting memories
That its eaten out of me

My memories linger on its breath
Rot in its gut
Flow through its blood

They're
GONE

When it speaks
It tells me that I'm missing feelings
And peices
And events that impact you
Us
Them
That
This
As it laughs while I curl up
Try to block it out
Try to unsee its face
Unsemell its foul breath
Unhear every memory fading away

Its rot
Its decay

Will it go away
If I also lay down
Become one with it
And let it spread itself in
And through me

Or will it consume me

Last night
No not right
That night

Behaviour that reminded me
Of the monster that occupies my brain
Every single night
And the one that occupies a room
In a house I'm trapped in

Feelings
Fleeting
Faltering
Hiding

Scared and cowering
In a corner away from you
Behaviour replayed
And driving me slowly insane

Hiding it all
Blinding you to the fall
Feelings only because of him
Things you need to change
But not that night at all

A slow retrieval
Back to thinking
Maybe safe
Maybe okay

Feelings a little closer
To you again
Okay to touch you
Body and soul
Just a little
Just a small nibble
Small taste of you  
To put back into me

But then another

Last night
No not right
That night

Behaviour that reminded me
Of the monster that occupies my brain
Every single night
And the one that occupies a room
In a house I'm trapped in

Feelings
Fleeting
Faltering
Hiding

Scared and cowering
In a corner away from you
Behaviour replayed
And driving me slowly insane

You see the fall
You witness the crash
I tell you to leave
And not come back

Cowering scared cat
My mind and my soul
Turned into a scared animal

Feelings kept at bay
Cannot allow them out
To put me in another situation
That will betray everything
That I've done to not allow people in
Who aren't good for me

Even when the scared animal
Doesn't want to run away
Instead wants to curl up
And stay

Your gaze
Your praise
Your effection
Your inflection

It all screams
Home
Home
Home

But the home is only
Occupied by one
Lease only signed by one
And no other

You're the home
But you don't exist
On the property

You don't exist
Not properly

I love this home
With no foundation
No rooms
No place to occupy
But the ghost of a building
That once was