I came across
A stray
Snarling dog
About 6 years ago
While I was living in an abusive home
Matted and scared

It was battered and bruised
And so was I

I fed the dog everything I would catch
Gave it my trust
And my loyalty
While it was visiting other people
Still coming running to me
As if it were starving

A month later I left my home
Finally out but now on my own
And nowhere to go
I left the ravaging beast
That owned me
Moved into the snarling dogs den
Where it kept me isolated
And used
Never free to express myself for fear of its bark
But the dog never bit so I forgave it
For it was bruised and hurt
So I tended to its wounds
As I licked them clean

Seven months later I learned the dog was being fed by other people
All of my hunting was for nothing
I didn't hurt the dog
Just hissed and yowled and scratched myself
Because the dog didn't deserve that
It was just hungry
You can't help hunger
So I moved us somwhere where the yards had fences so that the dog couldn't feed from others

Two more months later the dog had dug a hole under them
I found it and broke down again
All while filling the hole in with all the strength I could find in my small paws

The dog learned how to jump the fence
So I moved us somewhere where they were taller
And finally he was my dog
Even tho he still hungered for food from others
But my loyalty no longer lied with him
So I'd leave the dog alone in it's den
Well fed while I'd go out to hunt for others

After awhile I forgave his hunger
And gave in to those puppy dog eyes
Gave him my loyalty once more
Stayed in the den
But then a wolf moved in
And drove me out

I moved into a house again but was still loyal to the dog
To it's den
Until the dog snarled and barked
Until I was scared away from my loyalty
As it drove me away

The dog would now just roam my home
And visit here and there
Presenting itself as my therapy
As it wrapped is body around me
And let me use its fur for warmth
Being at my service
Grooming my fur
Leaving it clean
Trimming my claws
Leaving them cared for
My dog

Years later the dog still barked
Snarled
Growled
But it still never bit
So I always forgave it
I gave it my loyalty again
I let the dog into my home for a few days at a time
Before it went back to it's den

I lost my memory
No longer knew the dog
But the dog said I was loyal to him
And he was loyal
My dog
But then I found out that the dog had another home that he'd visit
My dog wasn't my dog
So I tried to leave it all
Because nothing is mine
Nothing is for me

The dog came crawling back
Whimpering and howling
Giving me its puppy dog eyes
So I let it be at my service again
Let it be my therapy dog again
The dog cleaned my fur
Trimmed my claws

Time flies by and the dog starts snarling
Growling
Teeth bared
Back arched
Everytime I'm sad or hurt
It can't be my therapy dog anymore
But I still beg it for comfort
I still try to nuzzle up to its fur
Hoping I can calm the anger within its body
With mine

But I am no longer this dogs cat
I am no longer loyal
And I don't care for its loyalty
I only care that it doesn't prey on another
So I obsess over keeping that dog mine
Keeping it away from another stray

I prowl around trying to find other homes
Until I do find one
This home is nice
But I only visit him sometimes
Wary of being his pet

The dog grows distant
Hiding away in the dark corners of our home
The dog is no longer there for me
Emotionally or physically
It doesn't curl itself around me or groom my fur
It doesn't lick my head when it's lowered
Or trim my claws when they grow too long
It only snarles
Barks
Bares its teeth
And finally it

BITES

The dog bit me
But the bite didn't draw blood
So I hiss and I swat
I curl up in a corner
And I keep the site of the bite away from my potential new owner
But that owner didn't want me
I'm not the right cat
I'm not the right temperament or personality that he was looking for so he closes his doors

I let the dog come back into our home
It must've been an accident
Because the wound
Didn't
Draw
Blood

One of my old owners comes back
The dog is still distant
Still snarling
And growling
So I hiss
And yowl back

The dog begins to calm back down
But it is still not my dog
I don't want it to be my dog
My previous owner only wants a cat and not a dog
And I'd like to be his pet again
So I need to leave the dog back in the den

The dog still cares for me
But only physically
All is well
And visiting my old owners home
Has me happy

But then
The dog
Bites me
Draws blood
Leaves a gaping wound
In my beautiful fur coat
My fur was stained red
And I was bleeding out dead
So I dragged myself to my old owners home
And he opened the door for me

The dog still wants me back
He couldn't fulfill his hunger
So he took his fill
Right out of me
Yet he still hungers further
Still howls and whimpers
Still tries to fool me with his puppy dog eyes
But I can now see through the lies
And everytime I look down I still see the wound that was left
In my beautiful fur coat
I can't get that wound clean
So I make sure that the dog cannot get to me

I love you
Is a monster
That I'm scared of
But am trying to face

I love you
Is a monster
With the ability to tear me apart
Until I'm nothing but an atom
Or quantumly gone

I love you
Is the monster
That stands in my way
Whenever I allow myself to feel the words
That I say

Its massive
Covered in flames
Thorns
Blades
Horns

Its leering
And its sticky
With all sorts of things that can hurt
And break
And shatter
And maul
Me into nothing
Stuck all over it

It overshadows
My entire being
And it roars into my ears
Until I can hear nothing less
And nothing more

I stare at the monster
And I want to run
To flee
To curl up in a ball
And be
Invisible

But underneath everything that makes
I love you
A monster
Is a beautiful creature

I love you is a monster
But only because of what it's covered in

I love you is a monster
But only because of whats stuck to it

I love you is a monster
But only because of how the monster hurts

The monster is burning
And covered in tar
And its got thorns
And blades
Stabbing into it
So it roars on pain

But because I'm afraid
I love you is just a momster
Not a hurt creature

I see that now though
And I'm trying to get close

Close enough to put out the fire
And wash off the tar
And take out the thorns
And the blades

Close enough to uncover the fluffy fur
And wrap its wounds in bandages
Care for the burns
And all of the damage

Close enough for it to show me
Its beauty
And enshroud me completely
Giving me warmth
Instead of trying to pass on the burning flames

Close enough for it to show me
Its beauty
And enshroud me completely
Giving me gentle
Instead of stabbing and harsh

But I'm sorry
Because I'm scared
So I love you
Is
Just
A
Monster

BRING ME HOME
I scream into nothing
For the words will not leave
My vocal chords
Because not even I know what I mean

BRING ME A HOME
I beg the shadows that I see
When out alone at night
For I cannot beg a person
To give me that light

Home
Is all I beg for
Home
Is all I cry for
Home
Is all I long for
Home
HOme
HOMe
HOME

BRING ME HOME

But where is home
Or better yet

What is a home?

Is a home something I'll ever get?

You feel like I home
But I need something permanent
Or maybe just your arms
Around my body
Surrounding me
Until I'm buried

But no
You're not a home
You're a life
You're my life

So where (what) is home?

I'm breathless
And aching
And cracking
And breaking
As I beg and I claw
My way to a place
That I don't even understand
That I don't even think
I will ever reach

There is no home for me
With a burning fire
And a warm bed
And a happy setting

There is only an abandoned
Cold
Empty
House
With floorboards exposing nails
And windowsills that leave you splintered

There is only an abandoned house
With no blankets but the clawing
Lonely thoughts

There is only a house
But not even
For a house would still give shelter
And this place only leaves you

Nothing
For you were nothing
From the day you were born

Abandoned from the second you breathed

Nothing
Nothing
NOTHING

I need a home
But there is no home
Within me
And there is no home
Out here

I'm left here wondering
Is there a home for me
Somewhere out there?

Not a person
But a place
For people are temporary
And homes shouldn't be

I don't want to make you my home
And then have to move out
Taking my things with me
And leaving yours

I don't want merely a house
Or a home for a bit
I need a permanent home
To rest within

Give me a home
To place my soul
Within
For my soul can no longer
Bare this emptiness
It resides in

Give me a home
With green plush grass
To lay my soul in
As it grows over and around it

Give me a home
With a long tall swing
To allow my soul to fly
To where it all begins

Give me a home
With a deep inviting forest
To let my soul wander
Get lost somewhere aside from in here

Give me a home
To lay myself in
While I dissapear from everything
Inside of me
And everything out here

Whenever I'm sad
Or in agony
Your voice is there
And it burns through
All of the dispair

Whenever I'm angry
And theres a raging burning fire
Of all of it within me
I feel your hand cover the flame
Snuffing it out from where it began

Whenever I feel alone
And so so cold
I feel your arms wrap around me
And your heat transfer to me
Filling all of the cold dark spaces
With spaces of your warmth

Even when you weren't physically here
The thought of you
And the burning love within
Fulfilled every lonley
Sad
Angry
Part of me
And put it at peace
Finally put my soul at ease

I started to think
That maybe the love burning within me
Didn't have to burn our house down
But merely just make it warm

I won't leave until you tell me
That you don't want me

I won't leave until you find
Saying my name
Exhausting

I won't leave until you
Let go of my hands
My love

You make want to write poems
About you
Until my hands fall apart
Crack
Bleed
And break

My love for you is the kind
That poets read about
In the middle of the night

It's not pretty
Or wholesome

It's not magical
Or perfect

Its raw
Dripping red
It makes ur throat close
Steals your breath

It's not pretty
Or wholesome

It's not magical
Or perfect

It grips
It claws
It smiles
It laughs
It cries
It sobs
It dances
It sings

But most of all
It stings

It stings in all the right ways
It stings in the back of the throat
In the middle of your thoughts
In the front of your heart
In the corners of your eyes
And all over when you shiver
From the depth of how it feels

My love for you is not the kind in love songs
Or movies with happy endings
My love for you is not the kind in fairytales
Or plays with depictions of forever

Its raw and it bleeds all over the place
Affecting everything with a clumsy sort of grace
It closes off your throat and makes you breathless
With every kiss and every held down tear

My love for you is beautiful in the way of poetry

I will forever write about you
My love

I will forever cherish every smile
Every touch
Every word
Every intamate act
Every kiss
Every laugh
Every hangout
Every frown
Every tear
Every fear
Every thought
Everything about you
My love

I will forever wish to call you mine again
And if I get that wish granted
I will never let you out of my sight again
My love

I will whisper your name into every single section
Of my body
And my brain
"My love
My love
My love
My love
My love"