My feet are *****
As I move from thing to thing
In a new space
To do lists flying long and high
Pink rosebud lights
I sweep up and away
From any man that walks my way
Right now.

And its a cryin' shame
But I just got nothin' left
Right now.

What a trip its all been
Like a game of dominos
I hope my mama is alright
I hope I'm alright
Papa sounded tired and sad
I wish I were a better daughter.

There was a time
Where my emotions were used as ammo
In acting class, it was so cathartic
And now I lead instead of follow.

Evolution
I hardly recognize myself now
But in the most beautiful way.

I'm tiny and interesting
I'm generous and charming
I have positive forward moving
Energy
I'm all my own.

I watched you watch me go
As if I held a telescope up to my eyelids
But couldn't open or close them.

We once would walk towards one another
Through the thick and the rain
But the difference is
You complained the whole way through.

I'm not interested in that kind of reckoning
As I drive a stake right into my own heart
And let yet another go.

What a night
What a life
Something clicks
Then only to disappear again
In the world I sew together
With fighting hands.

I don't know
But it doesn't have to be full of defeat
Or a surrendering surprise
It can just be.

I cried at my new kitchen table
As the sun went down
I saw myself in my mind
Black one piece suit
Feeding the fish in your father's pond
Sleeping under blankets
My hair felt so new then

What happened to us?
Where did we go?

I cried, the sun going down
And said out loud
"Why did it have to happen to us?"

I picked myself back up
Like I have so many times before
Leaving, going
Out the door.

Canyon
Finish it up and kiss it goodbye
In the heart of the Canyon

Thats all there is left to do.

Remember how you said
After I left
That you were gonna start that list
Of all the things you missed
About me
And you never did.

Rev up and back down
We encircle ourselves with a flowing fabric
Tired green eyes.

Bang bang
Lets go, lets dance
This weekend I'm being serious
I know I need I'm gonna need to play
Know I gotta play
I smooched and tossed
Myself into the beacon of light
That sometimes hums my way
And when I start really talking
I'm like a grandfather clock.

I can't stop.
I need a vacation or 3
And I remind myself to just be grateful
We dance into the summer nights
And like happiness or summer
I often think
Oh but it will end soon
It is all so fleeting

I saw a box of pumpkin spice cereal
On the grocery store aisle
Like a top prize
And I thought
Of all the playful noises I used to make
When pumpkins would appear
To my array of lovers.

Scarecrow, don't go
But you do and you will
And I release it into the wind
Along with the coming autumn air
And I think fancifully of
This next move
Because it means the start
Of really grounding my feet.

Sometimes I wonder
If my family is all just
A little bit cursed
With all its divorce
Alzheimers disease
Lost love
Alcoholism
Hunt for companionship
White standard privileged fam
And inability to tell the truth.

Everyone lined up
Like they were preparing for a hurricane
I smoke **** and reminisce from time to time
I felt a singe of remorse, jealousy
Maybe envy is the right word
Hooded in unity
Pairing up like peaches
I sit alone at my desk.

I wonder when
I asked aloud today
Where you were
I've asked this before
And I know the day I stop looking
And wondering.

I've been through the ringer
When it comes to love
I don't think there is any denying that
And in the depth of the pool
As the salt lit my skin on high
I brought myself home
And felt contentment last night.

But there are moments baby
There are moments its a travesty
To not have anyone to share all of this with.

But then I know and I feel
Deep in my bones
That I have to establish and kick up my dirt
I'm spent and I've seen it

But I do wonder
From time to time
Is there someone out there for me?

Tonight
When I came home
I didn't feel alone
Or long for the presence of someone else
I cooked mushrooms
With a little spinach
Had some tea
Melatonin
Watched horror movies from the late 50s
Checked my email
Handled business
Dyed parts of my hair
A mod new pink
Set an alarm
And felt content.

If I wrote about you the way I think about us
When I allow myself to go there very deeply in moments
I'd never stop weeping.

Or writing.

Give me something dark and deep
Like a mulled red wine
Long hair unhealthy and wavy
Sparkling in the sun
I see all our past vacations
Interweave and remind me
Of what I hoped to be bliss
Like the shake of a gun
Gone, gone, gone, gone.

One of the ways I deal and cope
Is I write
I write and fight it out with myself
Or shoot with a camera
Lead
Hope for some type of catharsis.

Sometimes I think I've grown to become obsessed with myself
And I strive for a 360 degree awareness
I hope my mama sleeps well tonight.

I cannot ever fully explain all my battles
As I try to need less
I suppose we could think of it that way.

For a long time I thought I was supposed to be
This thing
And as time goes on
I'm so none of those things.

An act of war
Or perhaps just a simple moment
The things that are about to be required of me
Will be the most challenging yet
And as I walk down the side walk
And take on the brutality of this life
Entertainment
I think in my mind
In my head
And even a little in my heart
"Turn around and leave"

Just like that fleeting feeling
I got the days or the nights
It was always a night..
Where I flung myself out the door
Out of a cab
Down the street
Never quite slowing down
Or running towards.

But I don't go
I endure the hardships of building
Nothing into something
The aloneness I often feel
And struggle to actually articulate
But I don't go
I don't run
Or fling myself away

I stay
I stay
And I know I'll figure out a way
To do it all.

How do I put this?

I often long to write about you
And what went down between us
But I reassure myself with
"It's just so over."

Remember the California trees
And how you first loved to take pictures of me
Taking pictures.

Sparkling lit up tree
In Southern California
I wore a v neck to **** a pack of men
Slipping and simmering in blood
Playing with volume
Velocity.

A street was lit up
So green
I remember washing my face
In the first place we stayed
And like a montage of
Washing
Washing
Rinsing


When we talk now
It's to painful to go on
So I often bring it to a halt
Are you lonely?

My girls that have constant lovers
I often have to remind myself
That they cannot really fathom what this is like
I had the person who was supposed to my person
I had to leave that person.

And sometimes I hope and wonder
When I feel down
Surely they see that, they know that
And endow me with a lot of respect
Most women would never of left.

But it doesn't matter what most would of done
Because I'm not most
Never have been.

I don't know
I don't know that I'm all that special
And I'm not what I thought I'd be
I guess
In my pink bedroom
Nothing but darkness
My balanced scales breathing into the solitude
At long last

Meticulously, intricately
Like a hand wavering in the soft sand
Purple and yellow yarn
Harnessing so much power
In a muted position.

Brought to life
With justice
A phone rings off the hook
Prancing around it like
A soft murmur
Soaked in harsh *******
We fill our essence up with
Too much whiskey
Or the fear
Of ending up
Just so alone.

Like a pelt of pearls
Wavering around in the hot sun
A peep hole reminds us
Of what we thought we owned
And bursting from those strings
A lavish filled fantasy
Commanding presence
And freedom
For giving a ****.

Maybe there are too many men in my life
Is that the problem here?
I want to ask very tongue in cheek
Too many on the cusp
Feeling feels
My insides are able to trickle over to them
Like epsom salt
Sprayed atop the mounds of houses
But I ain't in the deep south.

I struggle for words
In difficult sober situations
Riding around with the windows down
I wish I was waving my hair around
But I cut it all off
And thought to myself
On my bus ride over
To my destination
"I feel very unlovable."

My "To Do" lists keep growing
I wished earnestly that there were 3 of me
And I want to stay cool as a cucumber all the time
Rattling off cliche sayings
Like a broken southern record
Sometimes I'll replay my own stupidity or shame
Vulnerable moments in my mind
Because my mind is a movie camera
I just don't know all the technical terms
Yet.

Sometimes
I'll think and daydream
About all the poems I could write
The phrases I hear in my head
Like "Oh thats a thought."
Writes it inside skull

And then my mind wanders again
Creating and pontificating on
New phrases, words, strewn together
Like salted jam

And then my mind will wander again
Daydreaming about how this moment felt with you
Or that
And in the end I never write those poems out.

When does it get better
When will the tides change
I glance through old leaves
Booklets reminding me
Of when I whispered your name.

And now no longer
Its just me in my rose colored light
Amid new crowds
New friends
New food
But not really.

It is hard to sleep tonight
I think and read into most things
My paranoia always getting the best of me
I feel as though you fly high
With your likes
And the past tells me
I feel as if everything tells me
And its in those moments
Where the darkness within my soul takes over
And with fleeting hands I have to
Fight my way out.

I guess there isn't a ******* thing I can do
Except for push forward and through
In this ******* ******' difficult *** time
That no one can really fathom
I've never felt more alone.

In the mirror late in the night
I'd come home and disrobe
Glitter on my cheeks.

I thought I was going to keep getting better at this
But the desire for love and approval
It just grows like a bone
Enveloped in
A real lack
Of motion.

I look around me at this city
And I think
Two more years
So I'll let the little hard moments go
Where I worry and I fear
I read deeply into behavior
Or fight the feeling of solitude
Well its not even the aloneness I fear
I prefer my own thoughts and company
But it is the fear of not being valued
That keeps me up
Into these late hours
The city humming all 8 floors beneath me
And calling the past on the phone
When there is no need.

But who wouldn't
If they were me
I can't expect anyone to understand
And I thought to myself
So vehemently this weekend
So stop
So stop expecting and wanting
Searching, reaching, needing
And reassure
Be there
Give
To just you.

You don't have to share anything
Tell all your tales
You don't need to
Its all your own
So just find power in that.

I wish I were happier.

A faded pale pink
I braided behind his head
But he didn't want me to.

I suppose I could have been more chill
More loving, open
But I guess I have to admit to myself
In order to get to the next
Evolution
I've been hurt and I've been angry
And I cried myself to sleep
Sobbing into the pink light
Just last week.

Its like the moment I become open
Available
Even if its not totally nuanced in truth
At the moment
A swarm of men
Bees
Come chasing and wanting me.

Didn't mean to
But thats a phrase my dad
Never let me get away with
Hope you don't hate me
Your room was just so hot
And your snores reminded me of my past
And your bedroom reminded me of a different past
And I awoke in the early hour
To leave
Because I wanted my own bed.

Snort a little bit
Just a baby bump
We all wear black
The witches of Chicago
I guess I feel like I'm always sorry
For one thing or another.

Masculinity
Femininity
Constraints we've built outside
In order to paint a page
A name to it
So that our insides
Have to be sorted accordingly
And perhaps
Perhaps
In all white
Jesus Nymph
Thats what I called you in the coming sun

And today I'm the bad man
I'm the *******
And maybe thats okay
To understand
And never do it again.

Like sparkled hope
I often realize between sipping
The bite of the teeth
That I have so much more growing to do
And sometimes that realization
******* hurts.

In some way
I'd like to think I got it
I'm chill, I'm flexible
Content?

And in the light of the sun
Marking me like go on ahead girl
I have to stop and say to myself
Drink some whiskey
It is what it is.

I wish it was easier
To get over and move past it all
Its like a hurricane of roses surrounds me
When I'm confronted with what was
And then I remember
"A film was created out of this very thing once."

I need a lot of reassurance today from those close to me
And there is no one who can really give it
There probably never really will be
Because we all have to get back up
And move
Alive and on our own
In the end.

I didn't know what to do
I froze
In the liquid sand
In my little one piece suit
So I didn't do a **** thing
But let my insides
Get the better of me.

So I didn't utter a sound
To those I felt
I owed no sound.

I'm great at
Working myself up
Ruminating in what bogs me down
Finding a fever within the cold.

I'm great at
Rallying the troops
Making **** happen
Sending love up and out.

I'm great at
Forgetting to clean up my messes
Loving and giving my everything
While disappearing all at once
Holding daggers close to my chest
And wishing the time away.

I'm great at
Looking great
Measuring my cup
Planning and proceeding
With vivacity and passion
Pleasuring the pleasure
And spinning inward
And then out.

I'm great at
Drinking green tea
Being the boss
Smoking ****
And remembering
Its alright baby doll.

Just live and exist.

It's okay

I know you didn't
And couldn't
Love me as much as you should have.

You looked at me so much
With your warm sweet blue eyes
Pulling your long hair back
With my unpainted nails
My mouth opening and whimpering.

Its good to be back
But writing my own rules.

I was surprised by your frequent gaze
Its felt like I've been just there for
Whatever I was there for
In moments I had to look away
Or I wanted to laugh
But you looked at me
With such admiration
As you gave yourself away.

The sun was out
I complained about needing a haircut
You swiped your card to get me on the train
Rocking back and forth
Playing your music for me in the morning
With such high energy

Its good to be back
And writing my own rules again.

I know how to make men feel good
I wrote in my notebook
That I think there are a lot of men in this world
That would like to fancy me their soul mate
And right now I just don't know
Or even really care.

Its good to be back
And writing my own rules again.

I had a feeling
I think as I awoke yesterday
Where I thought
The anniversary of us meeting
Must be today
Or perhaps day before
Or today itself.

I've been having a hard time falling asleep
Imagining my mother alone in our big wooden house
The fifth glass of red wine
My fifth glass of red wine
Speaking in a way
That felt so mature, dressed in all white
Don't you remember
I know you must.

Your birthday is tomorrow
I wonder sometimes if you miss me
Hearing you wrote me off as immature
When I think really it was you
That couldn't check yourself
And I hear Beyonce croon in my mind
You wrecked yourself.

I'm a powerful being
You said so yourself
Somedays I'm still so angry
And I live in a titular pool of uncertainty
And at long last,
The uncertainty and scattered feeling
Is just right.

A sigh of relief
I've been here before
But its all different now
Year 3
Year 3
I know I won't be in this place forever
But while I am
Everyone will say during
And even after
She was the one that painted the town
To look like the most beautiful fire.

I stood in front of the fish tanks
The glasses filled with ***** water
As fish flapped their filthy fins
I stood close, near
Making direct eye contact with them
Feeling the feeling
That they had given up
They knew they were never going to escape
The glass boxes
A dead, lonely look in their eyes
In my mind I silently communicated to them
I think they heard me.

The lobsters and *****
Their claws were tapped up too.
Unmoving, but their eyes flickering
The surrender
They had surrendered to
Becoming someone's next meal.

Pink lone fish
Red and brown *****
Flickering, unmoving
People passed me by
Perhaps sensing my empathy
And it took me back to when I was 5
In my bright pink hat
I still have the photo on my wall
And the moment I realized
The fish we had been catching
Were being cut up and consumed
I'll never forget
How my parents had to grab me by the hand
And haul me off
In what felt like a violent way
To stop me from embarrassing everyone.

I was the little girl in the pink hat
With the crooked witty smile
Until I realized what was happening
I think often times in life
I'm the only one looking into that tank
And wondering
What can I do to help
Make everything not only different
But better.

I'm not sure what I need right now
I wanted to edit
I was feeling moments of elation
And then like a curve ball
Right into the pit of my stomach
So I reached out to you
Because there is an affectionate romantic love
That is so hard to be without
In this time
But all at once
I'm so glad it is not my responsibility
To hold the pieces together
Because I just can't
I don't have it in me.

And I don't think its any accident
That I found the photos
The series
Of my hand on a mirror
Eyes in different directions
I can't believe this
I can't believe it
Like the mouth of a dusty oven
Opening or closing

I just want it all to be over.

The intense fleeting feelings
Of these high highs and low lows
Is so incredibly quick and painful
I wonder every time
How I'll get up
And keep going.

Why has this happened?
Why do you want to parts ways
You've spent all this time
Given so much
We held on with such hope
Why?

35 years
A long drawn out
Beautiful
What appeared to be
Picket fenced love
Mama says she doesn't know whats going to happen
To our big beautiful house
Though Daddy worked on the pine straw
Why did you go Daddy?
Why are you leaving?
Don't you see its like watching all the men
That have left me so far
Leave 10 times over?

I know its not about me
And I'm tired of these nights
Where I'll try to wind down
And spend the night crying in bed
Before I close my eyes.

I never thought this would happen to us
I thought we were all gonna make it
Why papa?
Why mama?
Does it have to be this way?


I'm never going to be the same again.

And for a moment in time
I'm transported somewhere else
Perhaps

Perhaps in the place filled with smoke rings
And whiskey tilted kisses
"I think I'm still hung up on you"
He says
Like a face appearing and
Reaching through those clouds of smoke
And to hear how I'm perceived through others
It means so much.

Ain't none of it easy
As I sit atop my 8th floor throne
"I'll see you"

He says as if we'll make a date for next week
You said your best friend said he thinks we are soul mates too

I often torture myself
Into a well of gray
And normally your chatter would rub me the wrong way
But tonight on this night
I was relieved to listen.

Those bright blue eyes
The most devilish grin
I haven't forgotten
And I don't think I ever will.

You showed up
You did the thing
And then some
Now give yourself
Some time
To grow
Learn
Listen
And arrive
In and then out
Of your cocoon.

Hey guess what
In this moment
At 3am
In the Chitown city light
In your pale pink dress
That cuts your body just right
Skin showing and gliding
Just believe for a moment
In a plethora of ways
That you're the ****.

Can't pretend to think that
Can't inch over to that
Switchblade in my hand

I've got a crop top on
I've got a crop top on
And I'm so so
So high in the peach colored
Sky.

This is a time to think less
Listen, watch more
Absorb
Let it inform you girl

You don't always gotta be
Scramblin' scramblin'
Over that avocado
Toast.

This is a time to watch, listen
In my crop top
In my crop top
A chorus of queens
Swirling all around me
Now.

Like a list of plenty
Pretty red shiny apples
Hanging gingerly from a
Smoked tree covered in thorns
We rub our backs among the goose
A flicker of eyeball sockets
Flashing and snipping past
Like this is where I am now
And I once was sweating in the summer sun
Somewhere else
And then somewhere else.

A bucket of uncertainty
I see through a telescope
I could go any which way
And perhaps then the squashing buckling fear in me
All that freedom
All that liberation
My creative imagination
Sometimes tangling itself in
And out.

Like a flurry of butterfly wings aflame
I'm not sure
No, I'm not sure
There's no stability here
Except for within me
So I must stop fighting it
I must stop hiding from it
Everything I thought I knew
Has changed.

I hold myself
And no, I don't have to
There is always attention
A number growing and evolving
Until it just decides itself
With compatibility I suppose
And I don't ask anymore
"Where is he?"
Because I've lost the will
To hunt.

It's her last night
He wrote in cryptic text
Tears welling and streaming down my face
A single email
At the end of what I hope to be my day
But it never is.

I know you'll be singing to her tonight
And I guess I think
In my gut of guts
You spawned a character
You spawned a growth in me
Both painful and stressful
But a growth nonetheless.

I imagine you
You surround yourself with love
Another woman to hold you
I'm trying to remember
If I ever really saw you cry
And this could be
Would have been
The part
Where I call you on the phone
Extend my hand
But I can't forget what you did.

There is so much heart in it all
In everything I do
Even in my coldest moments.

You said you know I loved her
My eyes once lit up
When you would call me her mommy
Like that time I laid in the big pink princess bed
The one you didn't want
But I did
So we stayed there
And each night
I'd end the night around 2AM
But that was too early for you
So I'd drunkenly lay in bed alone
The lights off in Peoria, IL
And wonder
Is this it?

I remember like a fleet of foxes
The way it looked and felt
In my bohemian skirt
Silk tank top
I drew on our faces
You dubbed us the nymph god and goddesses
So proud of the pictures you took of me
Only to grow resentful
And your jagged jadedness
That I was so eager to just accept
Taking me down into a well
Of diminishing my own soul.

I know you never meant to
You would say
You wanted me to be big and strong
We took our first real photo then
My hair an array of colors
Enkidu ran around
Smiling into the sunlight
I took photos of you from behind
Walking into the pleasurable distance
Sobbing behind trees
Trying to work out my things
Red wine, pumpkin pop tarts

I really gave it my best shot Cannon.

I hope you both find peace tonight
I never wanted to not be there
Until you made me want to go
And never come back.

I saw your doppelganger today
Watched him behind my black hat
And stupid pink apron
He didn't notice my stares
And I remembered the night
We drank red wine
Or maybe it was whiskey
In the grass of my large backyard
You kissed me and said
"I've been wanting to do that for a very long time."

He looked so much like you
And I had to look at him for so long
That I thought
What if I just go ask
"Rush?"

Held me up against a fence
I drove you home
We were both drunk
You promised to lend me a book
And then you never talked to me again.

A year later
A Christmas party
I can't quite remember what I looked like that time around
But at one point we danced
Almost violently
Swaying back and forth
And I lament to my best friend
I've been with so many men
And its not even that I've ****** 'em all
I've been loved
And loved so much.

And I'm not even really sure why
Its this way for me
But it is.

I guess all I can do is be thankful.

But just like that
Our lasting longing
Disappeared
Among the bones
Or swept deep down into
The pit of my pool
Like Dave Matthews playing in the background
Or the guitar I metaphorically
Lit on fire in my mind
He looked just like you Rush.

Do you ever wonder what could have been?

I think for a long time
I thought I knew what was good
What was up
With my long beaming hair
I would snare
Just what I wanted
And now it's true I see
I realize
Maybe if we had spent more time
Looking into each other's eyes
We woulda done somethin' different.

I hear rhythmic paint in my mind
Every second
Of every ******* day
And I say whose gonna love
All 'o this
No question men wanna get up
Be all up
In, with
This
But who will I choose
Who will I choose
And the answer is no one right now.

For once.

I don't know when it will all catch on
And catch on deep
But my God I hope it happens
And I hope it happens real soon.

I got blisters all over my feet
No where to sit
I'm covered head to toe
In the lines of uncertainty
I bought some Melatonin
Hopin' it will help my lonesome nights
Ease on a lil easier.

I remember the passion in my soul
And it's still there
There with so much rage
Quiet and loud freedom
I know I oughta just be thankful
I oughta just be thankful
But it's hard when you are the only one
Singin' your song.

When its late in the night
And the night says
Go to bed or
Go out into the night.

I smoke a lot of ****
No more than your average
But its just fun to write that phrase.

I think for a long time
I thought I've got this on lock
I'll figure it out
I always say
I always echo
Seamlessly through
What feels like very dark times.

Back in black
Gotta pick up that pavement
The pieces
Sew them together
Make something special
Ain't none of it gonna model
After whats been done before
Because I just don't think I even can.

There is something in me
That is fatally different now
And I wish I knew what it was
But right now
I don't know.

I wonder if you found someone new yet
What its like to have my bedside table gone
Or the little noises I would make
When I was happy
Do you cry anymore?

I knew you did it all
Because you were afraid
Afraid of me and what you knew
I would end up doing
With my power in the world
I think you didn't know how to embrace it
And I know you tried.

But you failed.

You did
And everyday, I try to be more and more
Okay with that face
Fluctuating between
Anger and apathy.

Things are different now
I'm different now
And for that
I'm so ******' glad.

I want absolutely everything
And nothing all at once.

The moon drips and caresses our limbs
With a fluttering of sweet nectar
Blood
Our pelvises tilted up
Towards a higher celestial
Being.

Cutting corners
Spinning webs
Diving into shallow water

Remember how I sat on your couch
And you asked me to be your girlfriend
Or rolled over and told me you loved me
Only to shout till you were blue in the face
And did everything I feared
Yet you still shamelessly reach.

The reaching is done
Its beyond over
I weave and wave
Like I'll never stop
Being me
Because I won't.

I wish deeply
For you to be punished
And I know I'll probably never get that
I suppose
But I flutter my eyes closed
And keep going, fighting
It was never for you
My fighting, my position
Attitude, strength
None of it was ever for you.

Red flags hang high in the windy city
And I remember
I remember it all
I cut all my hair off
Because it was time to be gone.

I just wanna know
When will
The left over anger
Subside?

Like a nagging scratch on my back
Every time you do anything
Say anything
Merely exist
I just want a pair of large hands
To shake you right in and up
Out of your skull
You wannabe feminist

You turned out to be the worst of them all
Because you put on such a good show
Only to use my power
Against me.

A mirage of photos
Encapsulating
The interior
Exterior
Of the places we grew up.

She sends them off like
A flurry of quick steps
And every time my heart hurts a bit
Stay alive mama.
Make it out of this alive
Mama.

Clad in nothing but white
She surrendered her surrender
Papa don't know
Everyone blamin' mid life crisis
Thats the thing we say
To let men get away
With their misdoings.

Its a dog eats ***** world
Out in the frosted moon
Or precarious sunshine.

Stay alive now mama
Stay alive.

Papa don't seem like he gonna come back
Not no time soon
Find your feet mama
The feet that ran you into nursing school
Into the hospital to have us
Into your high school graduation
Or a beach trip with girlfriends
All of those beautiful moments
All your own.

Their all your own mama
Be strong now.

Like a twisting turn of
A sweet mod pink
Grasping for flesh
With strong, heavy momentum
Clad with iron
Like you must be use to
Using those hands
To fire a gun
And the sensation of
Being submerged
Underneath the tide of a wave
I remember my whiskey breath
Fetishizing the night
You first touched me.

We slip into
The waters of newness
And its with a tilted axis
You hustle
I hustle
With joy
And a pounding pleasure
Sensitivity.

I wonder
But I take pause on the wonderment
To allow myself
To just enjoy you
This
Us
And the lives we both lead

Whatever that may be.

Deep down in
The churns we twirl
With our beating hearts
My eyes flutter back into time
Like I'm speeding soundlessly
Whirling past
5 different evolutions
Of my own soul.

And the whiplash of a blonde mane
Intertwined with new ink, greenery
Flower in that hair
Flower in that hair
Flower.

Papa snapped a photo
I remember wondering if it was good
I see my reflection now
In the windowless counters
I dip my porcelain brain
Deep, deep down
Like I could go on forever
But I'm not immortal.

How strange and wonderful it is
To have built and to keep building
So much.

An over the shoulder
As a razor slips
Releases the follicles
Pinning me down in the smallest
Corner of the room
I changed my name
So you couldn't find me
And wonder.

You said you've moved on
Without prompt
And often moments will linger on
Like a dusty quilt
Forgotten in the attic
Of what my best friend and I
Endow as "Little Hurts."

I listen to the same song
For about a total of 4 times
Because it captures
The past, present,
The right now.

A blush purple pink
Opening and parting
And I'll start to shake my head
When I see the letter "C"
Start to hiccup
In the middle of my coffee
And remember
How unhappy I really was.

I tried it on for a while
Like a dress from the store
It fit me alright
I threw on a pair of
Pricey pearls
Shoes 4 sizes too big
My hair evolving
A million different shades
And each version of me
You always claimed to love
The social media me
More.

And thats what broke us in the end
Cannon
That's why we became ashes and bone
That's why you're 38 and alone.

Like a thunder clap of
Colorfully venemous wings
Anxiety blows it's horn
At the tip top of
The unicorn
And with our thudding fists
Dry fingertips
We interlace our palms
And ride off into
What we know not.

The sun has gone down
In the Chicago skyline
I reside and waltz
Into the heart of any city
Cultivating and relishing
A life I never dreamed I'd have.

I'll often think
I don't know what anything looks like
Anymore
As a chorus of wolves
In head to toe sheep skin
Cry out like in latin
Cry out like in latin.

But as we carry on
Into the sea of unknowns
Perhaps we all love a little harder
Practice a little more kindness
All while
Maintaining
Our velocity.

Grew my arm pit hair out
- Got another tattoo
- Got a pixie cut
-Bought a pair of holographic tennis shoes
-Traveled relentlessly
-Learned to live and love sleeping alone
- Enjoying my own time
- Slept with a new man
-Gotten my first paid directing job
- Trusted my instincts
-Made plans that are my plans
- Let go of trying to force myself to find the one.

There is a solitary aloneness
I encountered today
Even among the closest
And I thought
Give that love to yourself
Breathe in
Breathe out
Moment
Pass gone
Hither, there
Present
All you have to do
Release.

In the dark of the Philadelphia night
I think shut up, just shut up more.

I wish at times
That I could just disappear
And fear most
What the mouthes of others
Must surmise about me.

I have nothing else to say

I guess I just have to admit
That it was all too hard
Too unpleasant
And when I look around me
At the happy couples
I see a thing I've never had
Never personally witnessed.

A real ease.
Getting along without need
A coexistence
Without constant reassurance
An exploration
Of mutual profoundness
The ability to take up space
In your own separate ways
While still being
Each other's best dance partner.

When will I truly enjoy
The way someone dances with me?

What's that like?
I'm not sure
And I think it's because for eons
I strived so hard
To find it.

I don't know
I'm not sure
But I don't think my family has it
And I think I've convinced myself I had it
A plethora of times
And now all there is left to do
Is thrive, exist
And let go.

I think for a time
I thought and wanted
To know
What I thought I knew
And in the crook of what's happening
Now
How do you do
Or carry the weight
Without just
Letting it fly.