I always long
For it to be easier
To release and let go
And I got so good
At standing on my own
But when there is just no noise
Sometimes the lack of noise
Can be lonesome.

Its a pumpkin kind of morning
The counters need to be scrubbed
I dreamed while you slumbered next to me
That you cleaned them all with haste
A happy torn look on your face
Like this was the part of me
You didn't sign up for
And last night I thumbed through my dream book
Read of forewarnings and subtextual signs.

You left your sweat and contact solution behind
Your second note on the table in the past 24 hours
You remarked last night
That was something you never did enough of
And you wept over all the loss you have experienced
I knew in my heart
That if I was really all about this
I would have turned to you and held you
But all that occurred
Was a limp but kind hand on your stomach.

So thats the thing now I guess
You said its me driving the car
I wish I felt more empowered
Or free with that fact
Attempting to release in the artifice
That was and is not.

I'm frank to a T
With you
As you gaze lovingly like I'm a mirage
And rather than find it charming
Last night in my sober state
I wished for more energy
More conversation
More of a piggy back.

I guess I've gotten bored
And somewhat lonely
Requiring a bit of loving
Though I fear for me more than I do
But I know we will both move on
But at what cost?
Do I have to run a production on this
On us
In order to proceed onward?

You are racing a boat this morning
I imagine images of me are floating through your head
And I wish this had all been here before
But it just wasn't
It just isn't
And its me driving the car
That's got to put the breaks on
And get out of the drivers seat

At some point
And some point soon.

Late into the night I could't decide
If I wanted you or not
Afraid of what the steps backward might mean
And today my motivation
And heart feels a strong amount of slight
Guilt maybe even some regret?

But I know you still love me so good
Even if its not meant to be my good
It was good to see you in my bed
And know this was just a temporary fix.

But I have to let go
Someday really soon.

There is something about seeing a visualization of it now
A reminder of having been and gone
Knowing I had to leave
Though there was so much goodness
And livelihood.

I remember listening to the same song on repeat
I just wanna do some good
With this little life of mine.

I've become reacquainted
With the silence
In a way I never have before.

Late into the night
There is no noise to be had
When its just me
And I relish the hours of silence
Where there are no phones buzzing
Emails ringing
The anxieties and egos of others
To navigate
Like a maze of corn.

I'm a sucker for nostalgia
Its part of what makes me an artist
And I remember the walls
Holding me in
Carrying me through
A Philadelphia life
I revisit from time to time.

I hope  I can figure it all out
I woke up today feeling
A kind of reawakened hope
The kind of hope I felt
The zeal
I felt
When I first held a camera in my hands again.

Who knew it would all lead to this?

I feel so much and so little
All at once.

I hope you can find peace and understanding
That I didn't sever the tie between us
And the love that we shared and failed
Because its fun for me.

But because its what I gotta do for me
So that I can fly free and move onward bound.

Why you gotta go and be
Responding with nothin' but haste
Why you gotta pile your hair up high
Showing your tummy like you got nothin' to hide girl
But we know the truth lil mama
You scared and full of fear.

We once were tight, invincible
But I've felt myself drifting and turning away
Here to stay though the times ain't easy
I can sense it
You can't take responsibility for your actions
Or let things go
You say and release everything in the exact same tone
And I just quietly think
This is why you drive people away.

I see you in your corner
Your corner of infinite entitlement and doubt
And its okay lil mama
That you attach every discrepancy
With a neurotic uncalled for laugh
And bring a naysayer look to every table
You occupy more space at
Then you probably oughta.

But I got your back
Because thats who I am
Though you hold fast
To your own will
And will not.

I hope you wake up in your own way.

I think I'll be devastated
That it all blew up in my face
Again
For quite some time.

Do you feel better now?
Now that you can see your own two feet
And readily concede
That I helped change you.

Do you feel better now
Thinking I might see
How I've forever changed you
And photos of you float by me
But I view it all differently now.

Do you feel better now
To behave as a knight in shining armor
Preaching about feminism
When all you really did
Was want me to quiet down?

And do you feel better now
Knowing that the young woman
You looked in the face
In the honeymoon stage
To say you had been waiting for me all this time
Only to turn away
And rejoice
When I had gone.


I just want to know
Do you feel better now?

I always want to be just so.

I walked home into the night
After sweating around a group of women
Hit up against the wall some hard realizations
I made myself dinner
Made my sleepy time tea
(This has become my new routine.)

I walked down the streets
Of my new neighborhood
And I had to admit to myself
That I haven't truly had time to settle into anything
My life has drastically changed more than a number of times
With where I live
Who I love
What I do
Who my friends are
And so on.

I have to be more gentle with myself
More understanding
And remember that the invisible audience in my mind
Does not control me
I control them.

I probably need to have some carefree fun
Sometime soon
To forget myself for a moment.

I think I thought
That I'd have so much figured out by this time
And a part of me will start to plot
How to go, what to do
And then I'll think
But how will I ever be happy
If I can't stay put in one place for a moment.

And I will expel so much time
So much energy
Wishing and expecting for more
Feeling ignored or completely misunderstood
Like the things I do don't matter as much
Because they are so self actualized.

But who ******* cares
I'll think
As I throw away the trash
And try to make the lid stay closed
I need to truly practice
Just not giving so much of a ******* ****.

And now that I've admitted those feelings to myself
Typed them out
Read them and forgotten them
I can keep moving.

Things I feel to be true in this time

1. I just am not that happy. I haven't been for quite some time and I'm not sure when I sincerely will be again.

2. The kind of work that I do makes me hate myself. It's too much to take on the egos, careers, romantic strife, and everyday hodgepodge of other people.

3. Sometimes I think I probably will not live in this world for a whole lot longer. But boy will I make one hell of a mark on it all.

I hope things develop  and I no longer feel the severity someday soon.

I have been through
A flurry of tangled limbs
And hearts
Since I opened my wide green eyes
And whispered:

Someone
Love me.

Like a whirlwind of color
Hit rewind a thousand times
Transported back into the realm of
The beginning.

High tops and whiskey whiskers
Floating around the city
Like I had nothing but
The need to hit the pavement.

I got caught up in you so quick
It was from the moment that you
Hit the dance floor
I reached for your hat
And was told
Its a part of the act.

Polaroid pictures
Chugged beers and lip synced nights
Where I tried to join the crowd
Sat up against walls
And nodded to the newness
The lack of expectation
And thought I found a spot
I found a spot so quickly.

It all swam by so fast
Capturing it all on the flickers of light
Coming from our cellphones
Do you ever think
Of the nights you would call
And talk to me all the time
It couldn't quite translate over?

I saw on Instagram
How happy you looked
With another long blonde haired woman.

I kicked up that pavement
Only to fall into it face first
And for so long
Convinced myself
I needed just one solid moment
Of feeling good
And a part of me
Would do it all again.

I've moved and moved
A time or 4
Since the night we sat on the floor
And you held my face in your hands
Or pinned me down on the bed
With a summer fleeting
New girl
In West Avondale desire.

I looked at pictures of you
And saw the difference
You never tried to deny what we were
But then again
They never do.

Marks on your back
And on mine too
We couldn't keep up
And we made each other angry,
Lost
I'll never forget
The tears that welled up inside of me
When you said

"I ****** up."

And I think thats why
I turned my head on the beach
I saw you gaze at me from afar
Seeing you see
I've become someone else
An evolved version of the girl you loved
We were never able
To get along again.

It took me a while
To recover
From the cult like love
And through our sunglasses we hid
Our anger, our hurt
And the desire
To allow a greeting.

I could feel you wanting to say hello
But we kept our distance
Because the rest all fell away
Rumbled into the darkness
Of the beginning.

It's okay baby
Lets just admit
And chalk up the truth
You didn't love and accept all of me
And thats what is missing for me.

It has been harder
To write these last few days
Because I feel as if I have nothing super new
To say
And all I want to write about
Is you
And how I had to leave
Again.

It is morning
Light piano in the background
Drinking coffee
And sometimes
I think of all the things you taught me.

It is a wonder just how
You looked at me when you returned
Eating some of your kale chips
Like I had never really left your side
But it was the more recently updated
Version of me
You thought you wanted.

That fact has been
Swirling within
And without me
Since I walked out of your apartment
4 days ago.

Today when I woke up
The weight felt less heavy
Like I really might be moving forward
And I felt a moment
When I got out of the car
Into the night
Where I thought
"My life just like this. Growing. Youthful. It is great."

It is truly strange
And will probably never not be strange
That I once again
Have looked a man full of love for me
In the face
And said
No

I deserve so much more.

The part thats left now
Is that I just kind of can't believe
That I had to choose
Between you or me.

We spent our time
Apart and away
As if I was still swinging
On that swing set
Or walking briskly away from you.

You grabbed me by the hand
Held me in your arms
As we both cried
How odd it is
That you never shed a single tear
In front of my eyes
Until it was all said and done.

I know I behaved as if
You didn't exist anymore
Until I sat in the darkness
Of the theatre
Reached a goal of mine
And knew I had to revisit
In order to move on.

I'm still trying to
Understand
Why it is that you would give this another shot.

My answer was no
And its hard to write about this
As the sun comes in and warms
Me
Because I know I'm choosing
A not fully formed path
But I suppose neither were we.

It just isn't worth all the strife
It was so much work to be with you
My darling
And I need and want
Something that makes sense
Is fruitful and easy
And a someone
Who stands next to me
And doesn't just hover
In the back.

You will never really know
How painful it was
To kiss you and say goodbye
To a whole other life
That we could have had together
Because I would rather
Choose just me.

I found myself here
My body aches
From the shots and late night
Kisses and gropes.

We toasted our glasses
As you watched me with adoration
Effection
And I know we both want to think
That there could be something to be had here
But there just isn't.

I guess it all makes a lot of sense
I cried into FaceTime to my best friend
All the way home.

"I will do whatever it takes"

You said while lying on your back
Naked with me
And it was then I had to say the one thing
That I know to be the core of the truth
And I will be replaying
The hurt and anger
The betrayal in your eyes
For a long time.

From up above
I watched you lick and caress me
Flecks of silver in your dark wavy hair
I will always remember and love
The way you talked to me
And groaned
As you gave your body away to me.

It is Tuesday
I know you are still working from home
I am too.

I'm sorry
I will never not be sorry

Buts just not you
That is meant for me.

The sun warmed me
Through the hints of my window
And I comfort myself
In the throws of sleep
And sleeplessness.

Progress
Every little bit is a piece of progress
I  know we wanna
Can't help but sit
In front of each other
And all my warrior women and I know
I'm sorry to say
That I deserve better.

But I knowingly acknowledge
That you do too
I'll never really be
What you think you want.

And I surrender to that fact
I'm like a colorful hurricane
Dancing along the roofs of houses
Causing a little bit slight destruction
Leaving a mark
So that the rest of the town
Can rebuild itself.

I guess I'll go out with you
For what I hope to be one last time
My body is dragging today
And I know we both remember
Where we were at this time last year
And perhaps that is why
We
Yearn.

I do believe in my heart
Like so many before you
That the yearning is only temporary
I pretended like you didn't exist
For 6 months
And cried at the foot of your door
Like I did so many times before
And its just too late
Because I see this just as it is.

Its time to shower
Stop editing
Present and go.
Present and go.

Thats what you always wanted.



Thats what I always wanted.

Its such a ******* ******
That it didn't work out between us.

Standing on a balcony in pink sequins
Clover waiting silently.

The sound of crickets
Wind.

She looked out into the distance
Dreaming of a bigger place.

The doorbell rang
Entered a well dressed man.

Clover's mother tied and taunted her
They drove away in Davis's fancy car
As he drank whiskey from a flask.

A ball, a ball
Large white flowers
An array of sunny polka dots
Pink and purple tulle
All of the white faces dancing
Into their privilege.

"I will never not wish it was us"

I tattooed his words to the inside of my eyelids
To then let the wetness erupt
And wash the temporary ink
Away.

I realized
Within his presence
That I have this guttural urge
To be mean to men
To write them off and not really listen
And I acknowledged that feeling inside myself
And said no, please lets not.

And I didn't go there
Though I felt the urge
And this morning I ponder why that it is.

Its because many men have abused me
And thats' how I deal and cope
With that feeling
Like I could beat them to it
And pad myself up with
A harsh protection.

A little piece of purple
Incased in a sparkly sliver
Beacons of slender light
Within my insides
Within my insides.

And at times
I'll tell myself how not special I am
And truly believe it.

A moment of quiet
Writing with coffee and marijuana
After the intimacy is gone
Is that what it is like
To have a lover leave your bed?
Or you walk the opposite way
In order to regain your own strength.

I need to always be creating
In whatever that medium is
At least once a day.

It reminds me of my bubble gum pink
Or then sky blue
A sea foam green
Room
And I write now like I too am playing music
Making an art.

I would turn the music up so loud
While sitting on the floor
By my black table
And dream up other realities
Drawing with black charcoal.

I discovered entities
Befriended characters
And reimagined my small town existence.

I'm here now.
The almost September sunlight creeping in
I take pause
Between musical interludes
To breathe in
And out.

For someone so caught up
Branded with
The word "now"
I need to be even more present.

There is nothing quite like
Knowing someone out there in the world
Where there is a love
A real love
But it just doesn't make sense.

Are you happier now?
I wonder
I picked up the eye mask next to me
Noticed the polaroids of a woman
With her hand on your stomach
Like you belonged to her
But I awoke to your hands on my body
You cried about your dog
And were so disappointed
When I said
This can't happen again.

Sorry, thankful
Those are the two best words
I can use to describe
The cacophony that was us
I guess I'm glad
You were alone the night I called
You answered right away
Just like you'd been waiting this whole time
I wonder if you thought of her much
While I laid in your bed
And you held my body in your arms
And said how much you missed me
And always would.

A figment of your imagination
You said thats the only way
You can live on
Knowing I exist
Without you
You're proud you had me
You will always be proud you said.

I wandered up your stairs
Remember the morning gloom
Of ice and snow
When you and Enkidu
Slipped and fell
Through the weather
And I was nervous, scared
You were so stressed
But then again
You were always stressed.

Your eyes are so expressive
I tried to forget what they looked like all night
As another man worshipped me
And I remembered
What it was like
To try and be yours.

The pictures and cards were gone
No Enkidu to be found
But her spirit swept up through me
To say its okay girl,
I know you couldn't be here.

I glance through you on social media
To gauge where you are at
At times
I know you will move on before I do
At least by societal terms.

You often criticize but update
Appearing to look like
A we or a gentle
Man.

And thats okay
I'm fine with that
I love my freedom I said
I wonder where you are now
What kind of face you wear today
And in moments I'll day dream
About what you must have been like
In your office that day
Little notes and reminders left behind
Everything cooing who I was then.

But I am different now
Maybe you kind of are too
I don't think there is a second chance to be had here
Though I think of you with more softness now
But I can't be the girl
Who lightly puts her hand on your belly
Like she's proud to be arm candy
Or claim a quiet ownership
And I never was that woman.

Because I'm all my own
I stood alone in the Sedona Desert
Or at the top of the peaks in the Grand Canyon
Drank up my own wisdom and fortitude
I befriend the silence, the uncertainty
That I know slightly tortured you
Though with moist lips we tried to wish it away
So that I could be
Your little bird
Baby doll.

Sorry,
Thankful.

I've gotta mix the berries
In order to hide from the late night
There ain't no
Keepin' real chill like
Vibe
Round here in these corners
Wiping down windows, smiling long faces
Up in your arms
Knowing I can't return again.

A distraction!
A distraction!
Your eyes are so blue
I think I will spend a little bit of time
Looking into them
As to forget.

I like my freedom
My ability to do as I please
I don't gotta be faithful
I've spent a lotta time
Focusing on finding a husband
And now I'm inking my soul up
With experiences.

Smoke the ****
Drink some water
Its becoming autumn
In Humboldt Park.

I walked the opposite way
And took the long way there
In my clothes from yesterday
Because I knew I had to.

Who knew
You could feel both
Sorry
And thankful
At once.

Like wistful punches of air
I remember how we planned
(And you made it all so stressful)
Just bein' honest.

But I was so eager, getting so ready
To pack my bags
I'm excellent at leaving
Flying.

I think many men in this world
Would like to fancy me their soul mate
And I've gotten to where I just don't try that hard
Or care to present myself as a pretty little pristine doll
As much these days
And if you fully love, worship
Ehhhhhh
All I have to say is Ehhhhh
Nah.

We got caught up in some serious controversy
I'm trying to reach the other side
And there are always these stupid drugs around
But I don't want 'em.

I just wanna make poignant work
I wanna feel free
I wanna love hard
And run my own show.

The city is lit up like the inside
Of a lamp on fire
Its Friday
Everyone know it Friday
My skin feels tired
Got up earlier today.

We're so glad its Friday
We work so hard to no real end
So the moments where we can dress up
Waltz and move like we
Own a little bit a somethin'
Even if its just our own
Confidence
It feels so good
It feels so good
To be free in the night of the city.

I've been a recluse lately
Ditching, bailing, talking only when necessary
Its been about a month since
I tasted the skin
Of a man.

I don't wanna do the hard work
The getting to know you dance
Got no room
Got no room
No, no room right now.

I came home last night and missed the past
Like you woulda been hear waiting
Patiently
With glasses of wine
And some extra good good lovin'
But that ain't true
Anyway.

I've forgotten that feeling
Of the chaos
Covered in condiments
Because I long for companionship
And always have.

I told my mama she gotta stop
Stop stop stop it
She ain't go no self control
And while its all been such a horror
I know all the stories
I'll tell.

It hurts me
To see and hear you
Hurting.

Don't you know
How you've hurt me too
Like I'm the little Tweedley Dee
Teedle Dumb
Scape goat
Between your immature
Love.

You don't know how to communicate
I'm not sure you ever have
And it reminds me
When I glance into the mirror these days
And come home to a dark apartment
Why I'm alone
Why I chose this road
Because I'm not like you.

Your always in meetings
Lettin' ur daughter walk round with nothin'
No answers, no might
Mama you talk endlessly
Like you don't realize
All the damage you've done
And escaped.

Brothers got it goin' on
Or seem to
We don't talk much
We ain't that close
I was always in the middle
Of everyone's joke.

And now I've had enough.

A backpack with a story
Filled to the brim
The only passenger in an empty shuttle
On the way to Sedona, Arizona.

Making my way in hiking boots
A slight dry wind
And ray of sunshine
Lifting up through my gut
And into my throat
Through my eyes, mouth, ears, nose
Swallowing
Into the desert of contentment.

I liked the way I walked in the desert
Like I was just a being
In my brown cowboy hat
Strong, atheletic
Fierce but delicate

Old men would glance up and at me
As if they might somehow have a chance
And women would find me amusing
Though there was no amusement to be had
And watch their husbands carefully
Or smile at me like I was a Disney Princess
With tattoos
A young lone girl
Wandering alone.

I offered very few explanations
I owed zero apologies
And I ventured out into the sun.

Each morning was like a treat
Another chance to wander around and fly
I found myself weeping much the morning I left
Knowing the stress, the heartbreak, the high vibration
I was returning to
And so longer for just another day.

I would brew a *** of coffee
And eat very little at home
The bed drank me up each night
As I listened to the radio
And fought the world from afar
Or gazed up longingly at the stars.

It was hard to go
It ached to leave Arizona
A place that hugged me
And changed me forever
Now back in the city
Its as if it never happened.

But its still within me
Marked on the side of my arm
Where a man named Donny from Flagstaff
Inked into me
The significance of desert charm.

I remember opening the little white box
Its sits lightly among the rest
We sat on your couch
I imagine you with your wine
Your non dairy icecream
And not with distaste any longer
But little flickers of sadness
At how comfortable
We were
We were becoming
And how it all had to go.

You gave me my Christmas presents
Though you hate Christmas
I got you into the spirit
I wonder if you will hang your wreath
I was so glad
I felt so relieved
To have someone to share it all with
Among our hard work
My never knowing
And needing to discuss
I slept in your bed as often as I could
Because I so badly needed to feel
That this was it.

I wore the bracelet again recently
And I remember just how it all felt
When we were near our end
And how everyone was rooting for us
So vehemently
To work it out, to make it work
This was it right?
This was supposed to be it right?

Sometimes I will look at my reflection
In my bathroom mirror
And I'll remember how I looked
In your pants
Your sweatshirt
I would wash my face
And breathe in deep
Like ah yes
This part of my life is figured out.

I think I wanted to believe
That this was all leading to somewhere
And maybe it was
But I never moved in
And my hopes for the future I had built in my head
Clucking and cooing with your bird
"Now we really have to get married"
I looked past so much
I looked past and through so much
And loved you despite all your flaws.

I was young
Younger than I feel I am now
In my black bathingsuit
As you took photos of me
While on a conference call
We would order one of everything at the restaurant
I felt so spoiled
So lucky
And really kind of bored.

I needed a lot from you
From myself
From the world
That you could never give me
And today
Tonight
I have found myself encountering
A silent disbelief
That it didn't work out.

I just still can't believe
It didn't work out.

And perhaps that was me
That was I
Wanting to sell myself so hard on it all
And when the sun goes down
The moments of little contentment that we shared
They appear from underneath my bed again
So I gave the aloneness
The solitude
The failure of what I hoped we would be.

Its the peak of the night
Into morning again
All is quiet once more
My phone has at last
Stopped humming and buzzing
The updates have ceased for a moment
I could hear the crickets
Cooing outside
My fan blowing
Along the ridges
Of my new little old
Chicago
Apartment.

I meant to do so much today.

I pass along the dusty ground
And I think back on making fresh coffee
Waking up with such purpose
Putting on my hat.

Once I open up
I could talk endlessly
Its very hard to stop
Because even though I'm not aware
Of the mask I wear
(A movement teacher of mine told me that as a Freshmen in college)
Still.

I should go to bed
I have so much to do
I need to be making money
I need to be putting myself back out there
And sometimes in painful moments
I remember what it felt like
When I had money
A boyfriend

Both things
I lack and have lost
To a point of such uncertainty
And its so hard to have it all at once.

Part of the reason I struggle to sleep
Is because its the only real time
Where everything
All goes
Quiet

And the darkness around me
Curves into my furrowed brows
And wipes gently down the crook of my
Upper lip
And says
At long last
All else is quiet.

And once the clock
Shines and reminds me
That it is indeed
Getting late
An anxiety takes over me
Like there is no real rest to be had now
And all else
Has gone quiet
So I face the clock like a mirror
While the rest of the world
Sleeps.

Like a dark blue galaxy
Covered in impressionistic white dots
My eyelids feel heavy today.

I laid on the floor of the gold room
(My favorite room)
In the spa
And a series of questions
Seeking answers
Normally floods my mind
But this time I let it drift
In and out
With eager hands
I did not beg for the guidance
I typically long for
But just lay in quiet
Exhaustion
And my own indulgent defeat.

I think and I hope
This to shall pass
My father hasn't been living with my mother
For several months now
I hope she has stopped counting
I have.

Call out culture
Built from the desire
The need
To openly vocalize
Discrepancies
On the technological plane
We exist on
As much
If not more than
Life.

It is nights like this
Where I would gladly take
The questioning of my uncertainty
The stress of making **** happen
Than the iron cold feeling
Of defeat.

The eclipse is tomorrow
Don't burn your eyes
I think I'll hibernate
And shift my focus.

We play so hard
Because we work so hard
And the world is every bit
Challenging.

I'm just so tired
I don't know when the tired
Will cease

There is this line enveloping my insides
And I'm not sure why
She blows her whistle
In the most vulnerable of times
Like as I set down my luggage
Screen a film surrounded by an audience
Run errands prior
To show time
And it is like the hum of a drum
An eloquent ever lonely song.

Perhaps its because I once had it
Perhaps its just a vulnerable time
But I have fallen asleep
In my new home
Imagining and longing
Hearing "where are you?"
And wished I could have
Screamed it into the Canyon.

Its a reminder
That I could always just settle
Or continue this fight for myself
My career
My life
And believe you will show up in time.

And it doesn't feel fair
99 percent of the time
Though everyone surmised
I was the exception, one of the lucky ones
With my long list of serious relationships
Where I fled in the end
Or got treated like I have a knack
For letting the wrong men
Convince me to give them a chance.

So I am, its true
I'm very alone now
The most I've ever been
And its like that whistle is blown
In the most vulnerable of moments
To say
You sit alone
You walk into an empty apartment
You coordinate and lead
Because this is just how it has to be
Now.

Unless you have spent periods of time
In your adult life
Where no lover supported you
Slept next to you
Or loved you rain or shine
You can't possibly really understand
And I cannot expect you to
Either.

I ran behind the trees
During our first vacation
In my swan sweatshirt
After lighting sage
My hair in bright colors
Remember how I ran
Away from you
Your dog
The picnic blanket

I ran into the darkness
Like I might never come back
And fought tooth and nail
Cried against the green monsters
Lined with smoke and ****** grins
I looked into their faces
And ripped my hem.

I returned eventually
As you waited patiently
We were never on the same page.

I waltzed through Lincoln Square today
And stopped dead in my tracks
And saw the snowfall
My accidental dark hair
And how I picked out presents
For your nieces
Only to be the girl forgotten.

I packed up my bags
Multiple times a week
And came to you
Came to be with you
In my imaginary apron
And pearls
Did you see how hard I tried?

I changed week to week
Couldn't you see?

My youth, as the sun would hit me through your window
And you scolded me
For being scared
When the storm hit
And left me in bed
Right by the window.

You always had something to say
Something to criticize
Like me and my sunflower eyes
Were never enough
To keep you solid,
Standing
Wherever my unicorn horn took me.

And I know I could go back
I could go back and try again
But what would be the point?

I sat at the dinner table
The youngest in the room
As you held my hand in my new shirt
But you didn't make love to me
Nearly often enough.

Couldn't you see
Towards the end
How you would wake up
Rush us out of bed
Rush us out to work
Rush me out of your house
Out of your heart
Out of your bathroom
Out of your life.

And so I went
I went and confronted that darkness
And I stopped punching those green monsters
Because those monsters are me.

In my Chicago moments of vulnerability
I think of your long hair
Light blue eyes
And how much you claimed to like me

A devil appeared against the crook of my throat
And spoke out like a fish without water
Hunting for a snack.

The way you touched my face and gave me kisses
Or would watch me as I left
I took it all for granted
And texted other boys as I would leave
Only to realize
I guess I kinda liked you.

But I reassure myself with your many shortcomings
And your disinterest stings
Like when you touch the stove top by accident
Or turn the water on too hot.

But I don't think its really you I want
I filled up my little black book
Quickly, with little effort
As if the universe wanted to file me in
And away
From the slumbering bear
Who only proved to wound me
And keep wounding
In the end.

You like ***** packs
And we once texted in a way
That I guess I wasn't able to admit
Until now in the darkness of my room
That made me feel like someone's someone.

I make fun of you to my friends
Like a boy going through puberty
Because it is all true
But mostly
Because I did like you.

Surrounded by endless peaks
Dust in flurries up ahead
I felt a ***** ache
That felt so at home.

Walking in my hiking boots
My cowboy hat
Rolled up jeans
The sun high up above
I've stood atop haystacks
And had I been born a man
I might have owned some guns.

I looked out into the domino filled forest
As drums and music flooded my ears, my body
And fluttered my eyes
Making sure I was okay
Long black hair humming songs
And creating patterns
I felt lighter, and more ready.

An accountability
For my own solitude
Back in the vibration of high space
Ticking and tacking away
The numbers of creation
And rooting for something
That did not exist prior.

I chugged my luggage through
And it all feels like a dream now
But like a sacred land
Where I found my heart
And the deep contentment
Of simplicity
Knowing myself in the morning
The middle of the day
And at the end.

When I returned
I felt a pinch
Of a lacking of arms
To say oh hi hello baby
You were missed baby
So I said it to myself
In my little
Fruit fly home.

I create and I dictate
With sincerity and surrender
And know to think back
On the red rock
The multilayered canyon
And the black ink forever stained to my arm
And remember that ball of light
I discovered in the cave
As a gift to me
From my.

Tell me love
Since we frolicked in the well
Of the summer time spring
We lit our eyeballs up like
They were the lightning bugs
I used to catch in the palms
Of my sweaty hands.

Your pupils were like flying saucers
Surrounded by a teal blue glass
I'll never forget how I felt
Snapping photos
Of my magical distant face
Sitting up against the bark of a tree
Wondering if you were into me.

Its always so weird and hard
When it comes to an end
I remember returning to my bedroom at the time
My necklace dangling over the mirror
I pressed "stop" on my camcorder
And that was it.

On went my life
And into the arms of an older man I went
I don't think I ever saw any of that relationship clearly
No I think I sought out the comfort
And wannabe fancy things
No, I saw none of it clearly.

Remember when we found a crevice of the forest
I filmed everything
We undressed, bugs biting us
Our need for an embrace
You whimpered my name
And looked at me like I was a lion
In a marching band jacket
Because I was.

That girl is different now
I watch your Instagram snaps
And find myself wincing and laughing
At your silly banter
And wonder if you are one of the men
I could have been with.

I'm not sure
But I'm not sure about much
Not when it comes to this
But my God
I've experienced such beauty
Even if
Just for a moment
As the electric forest
Swelled above and below us
And you whimpered my name.

Sometimes I still can't believe
That we aren't together anymore

Or is that just me?
Realizing I have no companion.

For once

Remember how there was a time
Where I hoped you would always be there
To lift me up?

I know its been so hard.

Its been hard for me too
For all of us
I can't think too deeply on it all
Or I disappear completely.

Remember when I was a child
And I would write and draw
All through everything
My teachers would correct my stories
The stories were so honest
I remember
Do you?

Gregory Avenue
Repeat old family videos
I don't ever really let the pain hit me much
For it makes me question everything.

I always noticed
I always knew
Mama you gripped me tight
Whispering to my mind
To focus on securing a man
I wonder why now?

A woman with 3 older brothers
Perhaps its all you ever really knew.

I did some drugs last night
Dressed in all white
The air above me electric
We hum into the well
Of the Chicago skyline sound
And I get up to get back in.

Do you long for each other?
Mama always use to say Papa never showed
Any real public affection
Gritting her mouth, her teeth
In that way
My brothers and I got to know too well.

Do you remember when
I taught Clayton's dog to swim?
Or kissed a childhood friend
Cried in my father's arms
When my high school sweetheart
Went away to college
He's married now
And his birthday
August 4th
(I still remember)
Was just two days ago.

Those sweet hard moments
Where I wore too much eyeliner
And cried because you made me take a shower
Or shouted at the top of my lungs
Where do I belong?

Do you remember?
I do.

It must have been easier
For you to turn away
And desire me
When I'm in your presence
But cut off
Any loose feelings.

A crowded space
I'll often be among hundreds of humans
And I will feel an intense aloneness
In a sea of energy.

Life is short
And life is ******* long.

Ticking them off like notches on my belt
I return to the land of disassociation
And secretly mourn
A pretty boy losing interest in me
I'm the best at creating my own romantics.

I stood in line for the porta *****
And I saw you in my head
My mind again
This person that doesn't exist in my world yet
We laughed together, resisting the urge to wet ourselves
For that animalistic sense of relief
You were my best friend
You will be my best friend
Wherever you are out there.

I've started to exclaim that again
We've hit that stage once more
"Where is he?!"

I'm not sure
And for once
I give up.