And at the end of the day
Surrounded by faint green walls
I’m sad we aren’t talking
And that you seem to have chosen
To let me pass you
On by.

I really felt excited about you
I suppose I often do
Hit that little tier of interest


And only to descend down
Back where I started.

The night starts to trickle on down
I at last prepare for bed.

Orange velvet couches
You kissed me so softly, like you
Must have meant it.

I feel like
Maybe we both know
I hope
That it could have been handled better.

Like I often do
In or out of interest, love
I imagine you
Sitting on your bar stool
Swooping by you
And the way your eyes looked back into mine
The night we met.

I felt a brief wave of excitement
And today, last night
It all came tumbling down
You stood tall like a column
Not ready for me to go
Unsure of what you wanted
I was.

Your hair is beautiful
Your face is too
I felt so giddy
Even in my exhausted state
Looking at you across the table.

I said I was sorry
I meant it
Coiled up like a snake in between
The thin sheets of a bed.

How do I directly learn
And do better from this.

I didn't meant to
Make you feel uneasy

I hope that isn't the end.

The sun it rises
I drink coffee out of a yellow mug
Dreaming of lizards and anxiety
Like I'm cutting down branches of branches.

My mind wanders to you from time to time
I imagine you
Red faced from a deep nap
On your couch
After eating vegan cheese
Beet hummus
At least I know I tried with all my might.

Some women say we both benefitted
Some women didn't care that you screamed at me
Into the wide open
Some women didn't want to hear my side
Of the story
Some women picked on me in the moments
Where they felt I was young and silly
Though I was always sitting at that same table
With just as much to contribute.

I never said one bad word
Of them and their antagonistic tendencies
When it was me in your bed almost everyday.

You sang along with an invisible choir
It made them feel bad to see a beautiful young woman
I was pushing them away
I'm the millennial mountain
I'm an actress turned filmmaker
I'm who they wished they could have been.

You and the choir would echo to my deaf ears.

I never said one bad word
Until it was all over and done.

I suspect I'll be healing from all those words
All those fits in bed
Where we laid our heads
For quite some time.

Because thats not who I am
I don't reap the cause from tearing anyone down
And I'm always the first to take in scrutiny
Though there are those that think
I might be bogus
With my glamor
And Southern background.

Its taken me so long
To come to terms with it all
A new dear friend asked me
"So how did you become who you are now growing up in the deep south."
No one ever thinks to ask me such questions
So when they do
I look off into the distance
Warm and glad
To finally answer.


There is much to do
Gotta get back to it
Flying on planes and constantly packing bags
I handed my card to a new man
He has captured my interest
And I entertain ideas
Of it actually going well.

My friends painted my room green
I've had an endless appetite
Standing in the sunshine
I learn and I grow
Expanding out of my own territory.

I hope you don't mind
I deleted the app
Where you repeatedly reached for me
Eons away.

I sobbed loudly as the colorful wall
Flew right past me.

But its true
I'm back in the states now
And I wish you nothing but comfort
But I can't hang on to past moments.

You drink German beer
Have a cigarette or four
Leave me voice recordings of the same old
Cheesy song
Talking in your car
In broken English
Saying what most women
Or girls
Would want to hear.

I remember sitting on the couch
You, now you took photos of everything
I might have countered my match in that way
Posing in that awkward fashion
Because we had only just met
But it was all such a sensory experience
Feeding me into the Vienna skyline.

Your kisses were soft and strong
The way older men do
My kind of favorite fleeting kisses.

You laid me down
And gave yourself so quickly
As you were won't to do.

Palm trees surround me now
I sent a photo of my ******* to an ex
Because I hoped it would entice him into visiting me
In our old stomping grounds
Where we opened and closed our hearts
Into the Philadelphia city streets.

But as I arrived in Palm Beach
I wasn't sure anymore how much I cared
I'm still not sure
A large part of me just wants something
Entirely new
And a real friendship first.

We'll see
We'll see rabbit
A phrase my mama always used to say
That really meant
Probably not.

But maybe not, probably not.
The water is a clear blue
I'm the first to want to make moves it seems
My youth glowing
Prospering
On my own time.

I've resigned myself
To feeling like there is really very little I can do
To control the narrative
Of how others view me
With their goggles on tight.

The truth is its different for you and I
I have to live off the media
The press
The flashing lights
Because thats a part of the work that I do.

Glitz and glam
There's strips of ******* everywhere
In moments I dance in the blue light
Snapping photos of friends
Perhaps somewhere along the way
I have become a little full of it.

There is no man by my side
No 114 likes to collect
Because everyone finds such comfort in couples
And my photos seem to matter less
Now that the story has changed.

It's a warm day in palm beach
We drink Folgers coffee
And vibrate along the beam of the sun
I could get used to this
I think quietly.

In Palm Beach
And in sweet little moments like these
Rhinos trot around making only
Munching sounds
I ride in the back of the car
And lug around gear
Sunscreen on my nose.

I’ve done a whole lot
Of escaping this year
I suppose I kinda always do
The ink on the back of my leg
Reminding me of freedom
Of choice
Endurance
Zebra stripes

I wonder and I perceive
Waking up to hot coffee
And the kind of eyes
That know adventure

I'm in the place
Where we drank up the syrup
Of exotic birds
And fed fish
With the bobble of my head
Like I was yours
And always would be.

You said to me
"Now we have to get married."

Because your favorite bird liked me
But we rode down the escalator
And so quickly as our feet stepped down
We disappeared
And I saw those words
Become nothing.

You wanted a second chance
A third one too
But each time
You laid next to me
And it just was never enough
Never enough for me
So I turned around
So completely.

We dressed up so nice
Took photos in front of the beach
I made make believe
I suppose you did too
Wondering in between sips of cold coffee.

But I'm here now
I'm here now
So completely without you.

I feel a little
A lot
Sitting at the desktop computer
I tell Mama can’t you see father
Chose to not be here with us?

Why mourn?
Why mourn.

My ex boyfriends friends troll me on the internet
Like they must be angry I hit back with a gentle fist
To say no, no more.

I went through and deleted the remains I could
Awake in the morning
A crook in my neck
I know I’ve gotta start exercising again.

The energy in the wooden house is high
Intense
The past echo and croons around us
As I paint onto everyone’s foreheads
“Just be here in the present with me.”

Do you ever think back
And remember getting me a car to you
Several bags later
Sleeping in your bed
Do you feel pain over me still

Or is just me?

I took a handful of vitamins
After writing a caption about vitamins.

I hear words and poems
Racing around
In my head
But only so much
Write them down.

Its coffee time
I think of all there is to do
I think of all I've done.
I think of all there is to do.

It all came and went so quickly
Grief lingers
Like the little hum of a train
Can't quite ignore it
I awake early
I think of you in moments
And x out the days
I finally released you.

I suppose its true
I think to myself
And say outloud
As I sweep up fallen coffee grounds
You did ask me
For another chance
And everything in me
Kept me turning the opposite way.

The wall was so colorful
As my Austrian love and I kissed goodbye
I turn my back to look all the time
Because its a cinematic moment
I remember.

I expressed to you
How I often would walk around
And feel within myself
"Roll Credits"
"The credits roll"
Something like that
I remember the look in your eyes
As I expressed that.

It wasn't until
It was all said and done
That I realized it was the opposite
It is not the closing credits
It's the openning
The beginning
The intro.

I wonder how you are
I thank myself in moments
For not being with you anymore
In the house I tried to make my own too
I reference you
Like one would
A lost loved one.

My dog died
Did you hear?
Did you hear?
Did you
Hear.

I wonder what you hear
I know you see me everywhere.
And you and I know
It will continue to be that way.

Did you watch the Golden Globes?
I imagine you shutting your eyes
Unable to understand
Why I had to lock you up in a box
And throw you deep into a sea
I don't know the name of.

I'm about to go to Palm Beach
The memories of me getting sick on Kava
Drinking espresso
And trying to give you everything I had
It all whispers to me
Underneath the seats
Of my invisible audience.

"Your art is your strength. Thank you for letting me be your audience"

You wrote
On a post it
One of the last times
I let you into my bed
I remember how you stared at me that night
And how it annoyed me
Soaking up and eating your mind
As if I was some fairytale
Some fairytale
You couldn't quite master


Or keep.

We rip roar into the night
Stand in a circle
With our matching boots
As a colorful haze
Lights up our faces
From the lights of our phones.

Snap snap
Holla back
Throw back that shot of this or that
We dance not for the male gaze
But for the way it makes our souls feel
Freedom ringing like the intestines
Of a chaotic and liberated bell.

Lipstick my teeth
Dress me up like something sweet
We don't worry about settling down
With the wrong man
Letting go of societal pressures
We were raised to bite off of
Like a bagel covered in chive
We live and die
Like this is it
This is always our moment.

We're the best protagonists
In our own stories
Lining our eyes
Baseballs caps or a little bit of sass
We hold hands not cause its romantic
But because we companions.

It can get a little bit sticky
A little bit tough
We compare and contrast in moments
And sometimes misunderstand
As the white powder comes out
Sniffing off keys or mirrors
I turn the other way as often as I can
As the frequency in the air
Becomes more friendly to knives
And youthful skin.

But we will always dance again
Until our feet hurt
Lipstick often all over my face
Leader of the pack
Queen bee
Thats me.

We fly high
We fly high
Whether we high
Or sober as a drum.

I summoned you
With a quick look
Of my eyes darting over
There you were
In your apron and gray beanie
A radiant undeniable charm
Taking charge
The king of hummus
The leader of the Naschtmarkt.

It was then and there
I picked you out
Like I just had to cover you
In a temporary love
Where we would hold hands
Like it was just us
As the New Year chimed on
Dancing on stage in front of a fan
I broke off a piece of ecstasy
Urging you to let me still feel free
Women coming to me
Kissing me on the lips
Like I was the belle of the ball
Because I was
And I made it so.

I brought you home though
I told you I would
My knees up against your chest
You spilt that European cash
And showed me around like
I was your true love.

Maybe I was
For a moment in time
And I tried to let you be mine
Though I knew it would as usual
End with my leaving.

You messaged me the other day
I miss you this morning
Photos and videos of us remaining
In my phone
But I don't look at them all that often
It is all still just so fresh.

I wanted and want
To soak up and lick everything
But I take pause from all the attention
Glitter from my dress
Falling every which way.

I traipsed around the city
Like I was the most popular girl in town
Couldn't speak a lick of German well
And I was.

Pour it up, hearts on my sleeve
Snapping photos with strangers
We smoke spliffs and own the coffee
Piping hot under our hung over eyes
Sleeping until the sun meets our smiles
It all feels like a dream now.

But it was no dream
It was a very real
Very tangible experience
That made me stronger, less afraid
And I awake now
In my American ways
In my American bed
More fulfilled
More me.

The sun shone brightly
Upon my warm American skin
Prancing around like I was the
Star of the show
Disappearing through corridors
Or puffs of eloquent smoke
You kissed me and pulled me into
The lagoon of German persuasian
Though you spoke Hebrew
And wanted to link me into
Your sweet little nation.

I danced and crooned among all the men
And swapped clothes with the women
My hair glimmering into the night sky
It all happened so quickly
Landing and hearing of death
Mourning, mourning edges on so quietly
And so unavoidably.

We pick up our faces from the ground
I pick up my face from the ground
Prepare for battle
And think of your kind eyes
Your sweet ***** teeth
And how you would speak to me
Our love lives there
In the streets of sugary Austria.

And there it will stay.

I wish that I
Could figure out the perfect little way
To start this off
But I'm not really sure.

I know that you know
That I've always been better
At expressing myself poetically
Than anywhere else.

It has and is
Incredibly painful
To see someone new next to you.

Time hop reminds me when I let it
Of the snowfall we felt
How I stood at the top of your steps
Posting our love, sharing our love
Sitting on your couch so stead fast
But with such a restless drive
I remember the way your face would look
Deep in the night
As that love started to fade
A look in your eyes like you just couldn't wait
For it to not be me
Or for me to be
What you hoped for.

I tried to be all those things
Sitting at the table with your friends
A decade older than me
Dressing and behaving like I could keep up
Trying to prove the little that I had here
I would tie myself up with bright string
Trying to display to you how I was trying.

You bought a wreath
A Christmas tree.
I imagine your new little family around it now
Salt candles, pillows, a piece of jewelry
A dog that I acted like was mine too
I know you remember
I know you feel it deeply too
And if it were me
Standing next to someone new
Sharing our love
Showing our love
Even as a new man left my bed this morning
And I don't say that to hurt you
I say that because I'm still not over you.

So I'm treating you like an addiction now
Because thats what you have become
Though I can easily peep through the willow trees
Fall backwards into pampas grass
Or twirl myself neurotically through spanish moss
And still there is this little iron rust filled interior part of me
That wants to take you back with open arms
That wants to kick everything you have now out the door
That wants to be the slightly older, more mature
Less to prove me now
For you
For your friends
For your family
In mickey mouse ears
But maybe a button down shirt instead.

Was that what you wanted
I'm not sure what you wanted
You often say you didn't love me because of my brilliance as an artist
I remember the bathtub
Where I swam and wanted you to see
How I could easily fly through the sea
I remember you watching me
As we both tried to pull and push each other
Into the vastly different chapters of our lives
I often felt stress, anger, and a longing to leave
Coming back with big doe eyes
My skin ready for you to kiss
Lying down onto my stomach like you liked
Ready to be yours at any given moment.

I did do all that
I did rest on all that
Cutting my hair shorter and shorter
Until it all ended and I couldn't stand the sight of it
Of remembering you pulling it
Of remembering how men in the past
Had gotten such say, such control over it
And even still
Try to bestow their opinions upon me
So with sharp scissors we kissed the remains of tendrils goodbye
You would later tell me that you wish
You wish that it was this version of me
The ever powerful, pixie cut, slightly more jaded me
You could  have had.

At dinner
With shots of jameson
Your friends have all unfollowed me on Instagram
And I think of your rapid tilting voice
Informing me that you have never said an unkind word
Knowing how you are brutally honest
Knowing how you sometimes overshare
Knowing how society is so quick to turn its back
On the woman deemed young
Crazy
Emotional
Wrong.

I'm smarter now
I'm more brilliant now
I know you know this
As I sat in the chair that massaged my back
Looking out into the tree covered hills
That made up Peoria, Illinois
It was there in that pink princess bed
That I mourned the end of you and me
And I sometimes wonder if I always sorta knew
Hanging on to when our next flight would be
Our next adventure
In my little black bathing suit
The one that makes me look just like Marilyn Monroe
Standing in the sunshine
You on a business call
Snapping photos of me
And slapping my *** all at once.
The picture in the silver frame
Long gone
But the ability to un-know
What was in it.
It was there in those moments that I poured my everything
Into you
Into what it was
Behind the fur covers, in the expresso drinks
In how I portrayed our love to the world.

Like I was this soon to be up and coming thing
And here you were
My knight in shining commercial tv
Ready to wrap your arm around me
Put a ring on my finger
Start anew
"I think I've been waiting for you all this time."
You told me in the beginning
At what we would call Hickory Jawn.

But its all over now
We know this
And this is where I always land
After I work through all the beautiful sensual moments
Where you would speak to me in such a filthy way
That I had nothing left to do
But to release myself onto you
To turn you on in that young little way I hope I always
Secretly do
But to let it go
To see it for what it is
"Beleaguered father"
Beleaguered father.

I love you still
I wish I didn't
I think and trot around town
Some weeks caring nothing at all
Feeling the pain of not understanding
How you could have someone stand, sit, dance
Where I once was.

Its like I said
I suppose it is easier for men
Like a whiff of smoke I disappear
From your life, as your possible wife
Knowing I gave up that title
The moment you raised your voice at me
And would later chalk it up
As though you and your friends believed
I was overreacting and should understand
Thats how humans treat one another.

I don't know Cannon
But I know that I cannot keep aching over you
I cannot unfriend you
Block you
Avoid you
All I can do is hope that time will continue to pass
Somewhat swiftly
So that I can continue to become
Not what once was yours.

Because the truth is Cannon
That is how people see me
That is how people, your friends
Your peers
See me
Because we live in a world
Where women are misled
And I hear the croon of crows
Its all in your head
Its all in your head.
Perhaps not.
Women are thought of as a second best bed
And everyday I fight to become just who I am
In a place that feels very much
Like its your land.

But I know that it is not
I take up time and space
Like in this poem right now
Writing into what sort of feels like
Somewhat endlessly
I imagine you
Receiving my words
Reading them in your bathroom
Or at a later time
When you don't have to hide
Those dark brown
Expressive eyes of yours.

I know I have written and chimed
I know I have been ugly and loving
I know exactly the ways in which you let me down
And everyday as of the moment
Because its true, this too shall pass
I know that when I sat across from you at dinner
For the first time
My hair long and blonde
My lips green
I thought this was it
I wanted to think this was it.

I don't think or believe in such extremities anymore
On the surface I think we both hoped for so much.

Sorry. Thankful. Onward.
We ink it into the body we once shared
Knowing there is no going back there
And that the day you see me finally shine on
You will understand better
Why I wrote this.

So yeah
Sorry. Thankful. Onward.
I can't pretend you don't exist
I'm sure we will see each other again
As the snow falls
And the weekends were once ours
But its all gone now.

Its always been all gone.

I'm not sure what it will take
This time around
As lions from the den
Come out prowling
Blood dropping from their
Somehow still hungry lips
And a chorus of mighty angels sing
How much of it is
Is my mind
Making it more complex
Than it really is.

A new man wants to cook me dinner tonight
So I let him
Though I feel the quiet sad desire
To lock myself up and
Give in to whatever fears I have.

Its been easy and very difficult
To break into this community
I think back on the ways in which I did the right
Followed the right path
Or steered just a bit
Inaccurately.

I consider you to be among those things
I often wish nothing had happened between us.

"Be a lady. Be a lady. You be a lady!"
My mother tells me before we get off the phone
As if she has any real say on what I do and do not.
As if she ever really did.

"I'll be a ******' ***** if I want to be."

I have no intention of being a *****
But if I did I would.

I'm getting high
I'm feeling angry and lost
And trying to keep my chin up.

Why'd you have to go do that Daddy
I  know you said between long lost tears
That you've been so lonely
So on your own
But why'd you have to go do that Daddy
Why'd you have to go give your love
To someone else?

Mama why'd you have to be so mean
Why weren't you kinder
Softer
Direct with sincerity
Why didn't you try to make sure
Daddy didn't feel so
Lonely?

Why'd you have to do that mama and papa
Why'd you have to veil us with promises
Of white picket fences
And the life you thought we ought to have
Why didn't you just tell each other the truth?

I wish it were easier
For me to feel loved and strong
Steadfast in my resilience
Present in the moment
The hardships, the beauty, the ease
Grounded into the earth.

But I'm not quite sure what I believe in anymore
I know I gotta pace myself
So I think and strive to be
More aware
Of my late nights
My drinking habits
Allowing myself to be open
Carefree
Loved.

It is nearly time for bed
The quietest part of my day.

I wish I didn't miss you
A little bit today
And definitely tonight.

We downed our bourbon
Whispering and melting into
The coming winter
Remember how I got you
So into the Christmas season?

Or well,
I tried.

I don't think I'll dress up a tree this year.
I was supposed to help mama
But she was wicked the night before
So my brothers did
While I pretended to still be asleep.

I've got the hung over ache
That need more sleep
In my little cocoon.

And I know how it is
Once a month I crave you
Your touch, your love
You revealed you've been counting
Thinking
Moving on just like I said to.

As we both try to understand.
I wonder and think
If I can just
It might be time
To visually mark it out
Fight the addiction

My addiction to you
My once a month craving
Where I open my eyes in the morning
An hour away from home
And we are there
Gone.

It's so completely over
Every ounce of it.

I watched it tumble and fall
As if I were humpty dumpty
Watching as my face cracked in half
And the hands of my sweet friends
Surrounded me so quickly
In their shining armor
To put me back together again.

But I don't know
That it so completely worked
The pieces were crooked
Not quite in perfect precision.

So as time passed
The pieces of my face
Fell apart once more
Along the sides of the street
Across the table
From a new man
As I traveled around
And forgot how to stand
Tall.

So I've got those remains
In my warm strong hands
And I'm piece by piece
Placing them in perfect precision
Myself.

Sometimes I wanna respond with a widespread
Beautiful vengeance
Thinking in moments
I've got it all figured out
Here for the world to look at.

I feel so lost sometimes
Like maybe I'm not where I'm supposed to be
Or like I could weep
Right into the depths
Of Niagara Falls
And here
Here I am again.

This is not going to be a quick fix
There is no prince
And I am certainly no princess.

Because I'm a ******* queen
Who has to put the pieces together herself
Defining and loving myself
Through my own flight
Every bit of it
And no amount of vengeance
Will heal my wounds.

All there is to do
Is to trust
And go onward.

All you have ever really done
Is hurt me
But still I don't want
To see you press on
Though it is not you that I want
But I can't bare the thought
Of you with someone else.

I looked into your face
And wondered if I should take a chance on you
Or if you might
Just
Be the same
So I took a chance
I might as well I thought

As we walked in the cold
Walking through your apartment
Soaking up who you are or must be
You had my favorite record
This must be a sign I thought.

But all my thinking
All my imagining
All the fantasizing we did
For the next week
I circled in red
After it was made clear to me
By a series of your actions
That I couldn't
And didn't want to keep this up.

Here
Back in Chicago
I'm reminded of that
I felt this anxious feeling
And I wonder if your mind wanders to me
How quickly you shut me out
For fear of admitting
You ****** this up.

It makes me kinda laugh and smile
Not with bitterness
But just at
The great surrender
Of letting go
Chalking it up
Having the confidence to admit it
And moving on.

I've got that feeling in my chest
And in my pelvis
Like you do when its been
A little too long
For you
And the fiery desire
That twists and turns
With a slight of your hand
You simply wave off
And find yourself pondering that Instagram picture you posted
Always nervous about acceptance
Popularity
And that feeling in your chest
Your pelvis
Goes away.

I remember when I first started writing poetry again
How it was such a means of catharsis
I remember reading my work
Outloud
I remember caring
But pretending not to care.

I had long chaotic blonde hair once
That girl feels far away from me now
Though I was friends with her just yesterday
Dreaming of a snake lying upon my shoulder as a pet
I placed my hand into your mouth
Each time trying to teach you
Not to poison me
I woke up before I fully succeeded.

Reptiles have been feverishly in my brain
And on my mind
I saw one drowned and decaying
In the pond of the deep south.

I'm proud of where I'm from
Knowing within me where each little
Gesture, niche, behavior
Is me
And is not.

What a whole other world
I think someday
Someday soon
I'll fully trust what I've got.

We sat around a fire
As the mermaids heads glowed
Hearing stories of deep nostalgia
While mama whimpered for a time
That bares no repeating
Because though we can repeat the past
We can't go back in time
To who or what we once were.

It is painful to think on this
In a way where I could write it into words
So there is a certain kind of quiet clenching
I can feel myself doing
In order to try and get some of it out
But with self preservation.

I'm going to Austria
I've marked dates
I've made plans
I got some rest at long last
I'll never forget the image of my father crying
Or my mother throwing glass
As I stood between them
And where I thought we were.

A metaphorical picket fence
It's surrounded me throughout all of my girlhood
Sometimes I think I'm just a young idiot
Scrapping by
With a mighty wind
Like I think I'm so special
But I know there is a deep kindness
And humility within me
I take refuge in that.

Running around outside
As the sun shone down
Its all so hard to process right now
I just want to be okay
I want everyone to be more than okay.

It is always a little strange
To bring it in
And try to fathom it all
Into mere words
And sentences.

It is suddenly quiet now
Nearly reaching that midnight hour
And I have done
As much as I can
For the day
And the night.

It can feel lonesome
And like a ferocious dance
To go at it
So on my own these days.

I remember the little bouquet of flowers
Or the intense pick up and kiss
In my little
And big time
That I've spent in Chicago thus far.

I watched those flowers wilt
I shied away from that pick up and kiss.

I guess thats just how it is
When its so clearly
Not a fit.

I searched through
Typed in and wondered
And now I'm just trying to avoid
The pop up filters
Of seeing where your face remains
And reminds me
How you deleted me from your sight.

You said you just wanna stare at walls
You said your depression a mess
You said you got too drunk to be present
You said
You said
You said.

But I thought I was so fascinatin'
I thought you thought I was the ****
You said you out here to support
But you couldn't seem to remember
And only went on
To forget.

It didn't last too long at all
I'm a little fierce pixie
I'll be just fine
But the little kick in my step
That ruffled with murmurs
Of me surrendering over
Some emotional investment to you
When I know I should be guarding my heart
Or just caring less
But its just real tough for me
Its just real tough for me.

I wanna look at it from a different point of view
Like it effects me and my insides less
And I'm struck with the image
Where I would ride the train
Or walk in the cold
In Philadelphia
Wrap myself up tight
In my work and in my relationships
While my heart, my mind
Longs for the lasting companionship
Of one person.

Didn't mean to ask too many questions
It seemed like we were fantasizing
But you didn't want to hear the truth
Or let me call it out as I saw it
So you decided
To dehumanize me
And make me gone
Gone
From the technological world
You found me in.

In the brush of the tilted sunshine
Like marshmallow molasses
Crinoline skirts pulled up to our necks
We reveal a shade of hair
Wilted lipstick
Inked up dreams
Thoughts formulated by culture
By experience.

"She is varryy worldly. Varrry cultured."
My mama used to say, her voice ringing
Like the bell of an old church
When referencing my female friends
That perhaps
Seemed more experienced than I was at the time.

Little pink skirts
Low cut tops
Troubled
Almost sent away a handful of times
Black eyeliner
I remember crying in so much black eyeliner
During my emo phase
Where nothing made sense but loud bass
And the face of whatever boring boy
I had decided to idolize.

I wonder to myself now
At which point
Did we truly seem to outgrow
The male ***
And will they catch up to us?

The women and I scratch our chins
In unison
And frown all at once.

Unclear.

My eyes are beginning to drift
Closed
I've been trying to think of all of my adventures
Wishing I could compile them all
Into one big little beautiful slide show
That would sit and wait
And be treasured
Until I decided to move on.

But thats just not how it goes.

A long wet hot summer
Like rapid waves of grey and blue
Brushing off the residue
Forming around the crevice of my lips
All of a sudden feeling new arms
New limbs.

Like that feeling they talk about
In the songs that you sing along to
While the young boys strum imaginary guitars
And the girls clad themselves in heart eyed
Daisy shapes
And we long for that feeling
That crashing up and down feeling
Of what it is to fall in love.

I suppose its true
I've had it more than a handful of times
Briskly walking the other way
When I had outgrown my lover
One eye ahead
And one eye back
Because I was that girl
With heart eyed daisy shapes
Believing all of her self worth and value
Was indicated and preserved
Like all the gold and silver
Perhaps some bronze too
That lines the walls of my Alabama
Childhood room.

I'm a grown woman now
Though I still feel very much like a child
At times
Kicking and screaming
Through an embryo swan like dive
Befriending and acknowledging all of my sides
And traipsing around trying to remember
Gratitude.
Choice.
Presence.
Sincerity.
Resilience.

Tha­t crashing up and
Crashing down
Its a feeling we long for
I see it in others
I've seen it in myself
I wonder when it will find me again
And when I will let it.

I just would like to know
When you woke up this morning
And picked your shirt out of your closet
Buttoned it up along the curves of your chest
Looked into the mirror and combed your hair
Did you think about how
You hurt a young woman you barely know?

I know the truth can be hard to step around
And its as if you avoided it like the plague
Afraid of what lies underneath
As if I went from one totem pole
To the dirt that surrounds it
Instead.

My face feels tired today
But thats no new feeling
It is cold like might
Outside these days
So I don a hat and grin
To bare it.

Offering up my hand
It seemed to not be enough for you
Retreating into your own darkness
I could rationalize it all day
Convincing me to stay
So that you could try to have  me
But I left because I didn't want to rush it
And you did what you had to do
To evade and avoid the truth
The truth that my name remains
Light and full of sunshine.

Some things fall
Down into little pieces
Scattering around and off
The table
And its almost as if a big puff of smoke
Drifted in just to say
Little mama this wasn't for you
At this time.

And I'm not the kinda woman
You can just put aside
And pick back up with
After the holidays
Have subsided.

I'm a busy bee, an Entrepreneur
A socialite aflame
Prepared for battle like a mighty rose
And I know the meaning of my own worth.

Its too bad baby
I was thinking lately
I was feeling anxiety over the quiet
And you say its not about me
I believe you.

But I'm a human
A vessel of creation
And your confidence and lack of definitive plans
Is not enough
For me to say
Yes lets pick this back up

Like me, this
Is some kind of chore
To be had
When even the rain isn't
Falling.

Its a hazy kind of Sunday
I've got my plaid, mixed patterns on
Listening and crooning to
The vibrations
Of another woman's anthem.

I'm riding the wave
And crashing down in places
But I keep it level
I keep it level
I keep the level.

We kissed so good
Feel like we could might maybe
Be so good
Wanna say baby
Haven't thought or said baby
Won't you
Won't you
You wanna be good.

Its time for responsibility
Just about
The arm of my plastic cat
From the store in Uptown
Bends back and forward
Bends back and forward.

I dance along the lines
And outside of them all at once
Picking up a grounded
Speed
And striving to love
And value myself
Throughout the hum
Of the life
I build
With my own two hands.

Church bells chimed
And my shoes were slightly too small
But I remember the great sensation of--
His breath smelled like Halloween candy
And I held up the diamond of expectation
Only to dismantle it
Into the palm of my hand
Like all the dreams I'd dream
Where my teeth would crumble
And you'd be there still.

I'd be there still.
I'd be there still not knowing which way to turn
Whether to set you free, aflame
Or to go on--walk out the door
We both so freely left ajar
Only to know that this is--
What keeps us vibrating through time
And space
And coffee
And bedroom slippers.

Because we both danced our own conjured up dance
Pushing and pulling together
And ultimately away.
But the tender moments we shared
They were truly matchless
And thats the thing
Thats the shining beacon within it all
Even if it didn't mean
We were immortalized
For forever and for the rest of our
Eternity.

I hope to someday see myself clearly
Really, truly clearly
So that even when the snow globe shakes up
I remain fully intact
Into the earth.

Two parallel pink neon lights
Side by side
With a web of darkness hanging over them.

A herd of foxes
Shooting out of
The embryo of a larger fox

To go home again
What will it mean this time
As my mother stands next to me
Waiting for luggage
Looking me up and down
Rubbing my shoulder
I told my big brother
Tonight on the phone
That sometimes I truly wish
I could have given my parents
The life they wished for me.

Her eyes are blue
I don't care if she talks **** about me mama
Maybe she is a ***** in your eyes
But its papa whose at fault here.

I'll never be the same again
All of these bumps in the road
I think back on
When we would ride in your car papa
Run away to the beach
I'd see you mid way through my run
With your cup of ice
Diet Coke.

Remember when you had me sing karaoke
I begged to
Girls just wanna have fun
I'll never forget
The heightened feeling I felt
As people looked at me
On that stage
Two other teen girls
Next to me.

I thought you loved to take the dogs for a walk
You built up our backyard so much
Like you had every intention to stay
And I didn't get the chance yet
To say it to Blake
But there is something about this whole thing
That doesn't feel like it will stay
Or last.

I looked back at old pictures of you
And mama
The disconnect, the distance
There to be there
Beautiful
And just there.

What was the purpose of it all?
What was the point of feeding each other cake
Surrounded by faces
Rituals
Words spoken into eternity
Only to be forgotten
As older age
Creeps up like a wavering finger
Echoing into the distance
"You never really told me what you want."

What was the stake in it all?

Was it to make us?

Was it to make me.

The outside cried down on me
As I left my apartment this morning.

Mama is in a panic
She saw the truth unfold
Right before her eyes
And she seems like
She was doin' better
As I marked out lines
Of boundaries I hoped to set.

I'm not capable of being able to perfectly
Articulate
Exactly what it is I feel
And I know my circumstance
Ain't that special.

I think back on
Driving in my Red Jetta
When Papa and I picked it out
That new fresh car smell
We debated between it and the black Altima
For a time
And it felt so free
Driving around in that lot
Just him and me.

Months and years would soon swing past
As I gripped trophy after trophy
In my determined and humble hands
Hoping to sketch out my own name.

Mama would create all her little signs
Adorned with balloons
And sweet southern twine
Photos snapped, remember every bit of it
I think I must have been
Some sort of a surprise
And sometimes I'll feel the urge
To just shave my head
Because I want to so completely
Shed my skin.

It is Saturday night
Nothing on but my night light
I hope mama sleeps peacefully tonight
I imagine them all
While feeling like I must be
Light years away
And I wonder and pontificate
On all the many forms
My life could take.

I don't really know how I ended up here
I'm not sure where to go
Tucking away cash
Into a box at the top
Hoping.

Hoping for it all.

I'm just wondering
When will there be a time
That the constant heart break
Passes.

I don't feel like shouting from the mountain tops
About the little and big
Extraordinary things
My life is opening up
Really right now or in this moment.

My throat is sore oncemore
A smoothie to make it feel softer
I've got the scent of you still penetrating my bones
And I glance up into the sun
Just like I do every time
As we rise in the morning
And admit to ourselves and each other
This will never be.

I think I better shower
Acknowledge the chip on my shoulder
As the high of the high fades
And I'm back at it, kicking the pavement
Knowing in my gut
There are those who turn the other way
When they look at me.

I don't have the answers
I never seem to.

I imagine you
At your desk
Piddling and taxing the time away
Tears welling in your eyes
After your run
And we say
At once
We both knew when it was done.

How sobering and rewarding
To be able to be on the same page
And I find myself feeling
When will I finally let this end
Comforted by your words of
You know it too.

The sun is out today
I wish I could do nothing
Hide away for a moment in time
And I feel a sudden zest
Of disinterest
And a well of emotion
Rumble and long to release inside of me.

Here we are again
And I know deeply
That this is just another chapter
Among chapters
To then come and go
But the ache
The ache wavers even so.

Is it wrong that
It brought me a little bit of
Peace
To hear you proclaim
That your heart still aches for me?

I strut through my life
My legs very tired as of late.

Surrounding myself with the glitz
The rust, the dirt
The cameras flashing
I stand behind them
Sometimes longing
For the ending credits of my life
To just roll.

Its becoming chilly
In the Chicago skyline
And we made a deal.

Its October
So much has happened.

What a life.

And no
There is nothing
That you can say
That will make it all okay
Or different
Its all just like
Me climbing through the window
Or up a ladder
As if through a place
That only I can go.

And it takes me right back to
All the days where
My hair lightly touched my neck
And I fooled myself
With a comfortable couch like
Contentment
Lotion on my face
Slippers on my feet

Until you screamed at me
That I was nothing
I was not worth your while
After all.

I just am wondering
When will the day come
That I am no longer
Angry
And feeling the silence
Of all the "Me Too"
That reverberate
Like the soft and loud hum
Of a drum
That I heard all around me
While deep in the desert
And I wonder

At which point
Will I fully move on.

Lately
I've been really feeling like
All everyone ever wants to do
Is talk about boys
When we want nothing but our own power
And all we do
Is talk about boys.

I just wanna make really incredible work
Thats about it right now.

I just don't know what I believe in anymore
And thats the problem
With me and love these days.

I made it
I made it back to my little nook
The place I've started to find
A comforting home within
The dishes need to be cleaned
There is forever clothing to fold
My eyes must be shutting now soon
For another big day awaits.

I ride on the train
And kick up my boots
Its been dustier these last few days
A sickness coming in and out of me
Like the essence of doing so much
So fast.

I long for affection at times
And I'm thankful for the silence at night
Watching as my fingertips release
The things not quite meant for me.

I catch slanted reflections of myself
Along the corridor
Of my forever in transient
Colorful, one of a kind
Life and I nod back at my reflection
Shadow
Like I must be some kind of Peter Pan.

I know you didn't love me immensely
The way you should have baby
And thats why I get lonely
In fleeting moments
And why I let you go.

My room is like an ocean
I thought as I slumbered in and out
On the outer edge of Humboldt park
My dreams, my mattress guiding me along
The tidal waves of various
Slumber.

My room is like an ocean
As I spread out across
Like I don't need a pillow buddy
Or hot breath next to me
Not now.

My room is like an ocean
As I finally rise
And greet my warm sunlit rooms
With a cup of coffee
And newfound drive.

My room is like an ocean
And so now its time to swim again.

I'm the one thats up at night
The last one to close my eyes
Contemplating and wishing
For a quick, fast
Solution
Where I could just make our dreams happen.

Wanna see that number rise
Wanna feel like everyone believes in the strives
We are trying to make
Create.

I'm realizing everyday
Some things gonna have to change
I hold my own ball and chain
While twisting and twaddling
Around like I've got the most game.

And perhaps in many ways I do
But I didn't eat much of my cheesecake
And I'm truly at capacity
Right now.

Two more days
Really, kinda one
I note the little and small
I notice when my friends
Don't act supportive over the internet
And I wonder why
I surmise why like the flick of a gun
And then I decide
Who ******* cares.


Who ******* cares
Projecting is also stupid
But mostly who ******* cares
I got this
I always have.

Its hotter than it oughta be
Craving, wishing for something autumnal
I kick it up the city pavement
Sweat formulating on every inch of my face
Toss and turn at night
Asking myself those impossible questions
Wondering what I'm doing
And why I'm here.

My heart releases pain
When I think about others putting a ring on it all
I guess I just thought I'd have it all figured out by now
As a chorus of city career women and I sing
It ain't no simple thing.

I know in one click
I could line up a flurry of dates
But I just feel nothing
And don't have the capacity to play games.

I don't look forward to things the way I used to
I suppose its growing older
Growing older.

I saw you in my bed
And by my side
And just felt the corners of my mouth turn downward
Knowing I was revisiting corpses.

And thats okay
I pontificate on rules and regulations
I'm tired of being my own leader all the time
So I'm gonna throw my hands up in the air a little more.

You say I'm so powerful
You say you know I'm gonna be so powerful
You say I'm so power
Ful.

The sun it blazes from my window
As I hop skip away from my own rumination
I'm my best executioner.

I ponder the things I could cut out
In order to avoid some more negativity
Contemplate escape routes
Imagine nightmares.

Its almost my birthday.

Everyday
I'm reminded that I could have had a whole life with you
But we threw it away.

And I know


I've got to get myself back out there
But I am so disinterested at the moment
And it feels as though
I'll never not be sad
That we couldn't figure it out.


And its just too late now
Its all too different in my mind now
I hope my friend is right
These chapters will close
In time.