I’m breaking up with you alcohol
we had a great run
but it’s over
you should know
I’ve been seeing someone else
a tall drink of water
he’s everything I need
there’s someone out there for you though
keep your spirits up

please don’t show up when I’m out with my friends
or come around looking for your favorite glass
that will just be awkward
I’ve put all your stuff on the curb
someone will be picking it up in the morning
good bye

in less than a year
they’ve all left me
those closest to me
my buoys in the sea
I drift now
alone
and you
my north star
still twinkling in a distant sky

the cat is blind
the mouse is getting worried
and fat

the day is swirling around you
with never ending love and fantasy

when we finally came together
a tornado of fire appeared in the sky
it came for us

we had the greatest romance ever
it was full of passion, intimacy, intrigue
tenderness, joy, heartbreak
mystery, intensity, playfulness
humor, attraction, fantasy
in fact, I think you were the love of my life
I’m so sorry you couldn’t be here for it

I was wild, she said, always hanging off the rafters
I figured she put me in gymnastics because I was difficult
probably annoying
years later she said that wasn’t true
she didn’t know why I thought such a thing
but it was too late
it had become a foundation block of my self perception
now I just do everyone a favor
and stay at the gym as long as possible
it’s not a bad place to self quarantine
I like it there
everyone likes me there
in fact, I might go now

it’s very slippery
with the moon
so slippery

but I’m trying to reassure you
its ok

the poor guy still up in my attic  
needs to understand
he can be free
all his dreams of reunion can come true
he just needs to go into the scary place
first
just for a few minutes
ok maybe an hour or two
but then he can be free
forever
it’s not a trap
it’s the only way out

it’s hard to breathe today
hard to move
get up
just get up
one foot
another
another
just get up
you can do it
you can

I think he heard me
when I said I didn’t want him
never would again
I think he listened

I think he understood
when I said I still didn’t want him to go
didn’t want to be alone
I think it helped

he’s been looking at houses so long
there aren’t any
apartments too
none of those either

so I’m approving 18 new apartment buildings across the city
maybe that will help
free up the market a bit
maybe that will help

unfortunately for you
I have enough of my own power
I don’t need to **** for it
but I kept all those texts

the capitol was vacated
but the capital is still there

we have a backlog of requests
we are waiting for response

the pain of imperfection
the pain
and mystery
of you
is in my future
you are in my future
I know this
can taste it
you are
you will be
the sweet enduring pain
of my salvation

this is maybe a funeral
no, the party after the funeral
that cool people say they want
instead of a funeral
because they don’t want people to be sad
which is stupid but
someone dropped acid in the punch
to help things along
and we are pretending you’re still here

it’s easy not to care so much
when looking down from a lofty perch
from a magnificent view
so far away
from the consequences of any one action
so far away
from any being with a moral paradigm
so far away
from the source of gravity and feeling
so far away

I can sense the distance, the space, the ease
I can sense the complacent emptiness
children starving
children given to strangers
children locked in barns, basements, closets
children becoming women and men
or not
so far away
from the safety of the perch
inside

the rainbow in the window is comforting
when I see it I feel secure
like everything is going to be ok
my heart beats a little looser
like a jungle drum at dusk
     a deep thrumming echo in a forest cathedral
sometimes I stare at it for too many seconds
captured by the mesmerizing peace
when I move on
I carry it as long as my heart can hold

every morning I feel unprepared for the day
like I left something undone in a dream
someone needs me back there
I want to go back
the blankets and pillows protect me
I am warm and floating and safe
but I have to get up eventually
go through the motions of the day
and wait until night comes
so I can live the real life

you’ve been added
to a very small collection
of the most intimate betrayals
you’re practically family

I’m afraid it’s too late
was this always your fate?
I tossed you so much bait
yet you couldn’t approach the gate
to ask me on a date
how could I ever be your mate?
if all you do is wait
make me feel third rate
leave me in this state...

still, dear, there was never any—

as I mortar these last few bricks in place
my last view of you is the same
as my first

the sky was big tonight
really big
the moon could handle it though
she stood alone, strong and bright
lighting the way for the entire firmament
as the world kept falling over its axis

it’s ok, you deserve it
we all do

I’m not happy the way I was
before, with you... or... him, I guess
I can’t even imagine being happy like that again
can’t even imagine it
that’s the saddest part
since I can usually imagine
well, just about anything

don’t stop
don’t think
don’t feel
just move

I have crocheted a thick blanket
of sarcasm and innocence
it’s a bit clashing

when you eat the fruit of a tree
it’s the only foreplay a tree will ever know
a thick skin is just playing hard to get

C’mon baby
take me for a drink
I’ll give you my smile
with a playful wink
I’ll make you laugh
and I promise not to think
tell me your story
you won’t end up in the clink
I swear I won’t hurt you
‘cept with a little kink
don’t make me swipe right
those dudes don’t turn me pink
C’mon baby
I only want you

take me for a drink

I wanted to write you something
thoughtful and moving
but all that came
was incredibly crass
bordering on ******
and I just didn’t think you’d find it
as humorous as I did

just make the best of it
he said
I’ve been trying ever since

there’s a storm happening on the ocean
the boundary between sea and sky blurred by
the confused water
the pouring gunmetal static
a thickening albedo of rain drowning the atmosphere

the mass of water spreads rhythmically up
climbing the ladder of itself
there is no light to be caught in its prism
only the dark root of sound
a primordial beckon from the sky
a being of water could find transcendence in such a union
an otherworldly bliss worthy of pursuit
so the water creatures believe
as they climb

blankets are nicer than people
they keep you warm and don’t creep you out
or leave you feeling like crap
loneliness is over diagnosed
also, I hate everyone

it’s Thursday
what did you expect
as you stumble down the stairs
with your six figure salary
that you never dreamed would multiply
like this
and the tears spilling over your lids
oh, darling, do you now have something
to lose?
are you missing something?
what
exactly
was your point?
when you started all of this?
your life, I mean
do you even remember?

time is delicious this evening
sweet and spicy
deep and rich
like Mexican chocolate
or cinnamon elixir

time is content tonight
heavy and smooth
drunk with svelte pollen
over slick naked petals
and bowed branches rocking

time exists carelessly independent of me
unconcerned and lazy in it’s duties
telling me an inside joke
remember that time, he says…
and I see a small distant warmth

Time is making fun of me
she’s all
—Yeah!! Whassup girl? Yo, you feel better doncha?!? Who did that for you?!? Me!! That’s who!! Don’t believe in me?! Ya ungrateful *******!! Go on!!

and I just hang my head
sheepishly

it can’t be forgotten
or washed away
only hardened in the throat
a stone held, until let loose
in whispered resolution
and gentle remorse, or with

wild broken screams
cursing faceless floods that carry love away

many things are lost in a flood
spread thin, buried, left
an old photograph, a cracked teapot
a shattered mirror
   forever loved
but never restored

if we may, let us choose no reserve
before time breaks the patient ****
and erases the peaceful course

I appreciate this moment
what do I live for?
this moment
this magnifying
tiny
moment

when I was 9, I was in an abusive relationship with a gymnastic center
they didn’t care if you were hurt, tired, sick
they didn’t care if you were scared
or unable to safely perform high degree of difficulty moves
these were the days of Kerri Strugg vaulting to gold on a broken ankle
I spent hours a day in that gym, four to six days a week during the summer
I competed, I won ribbons, trophies, medals
I had boxes of these things
too many to set on a shelf or hang on a wall

when I wanted to switch gyms
my mom made me go in by myself to tell them
I was 9
the mean old lady in the office who smelled like smoke and death told me no
I don’t remember her logic
only that she emphatically told me I couldn’t quit
I don’t remember how I responded
with meek fear, I imagine
I did leave that day though, never to return
it would be 3 more years before I left the sport altogether
with destroyed knees and emotional trauma
I was supposed to go to college on gymnastics scholarships
my parents had invested
they almost moved the whole family to another state for a gym that boasted Olympic athletes
quitting was the hardest thing I had ever done
walking away from abuse is never easy
even less so for a child whose life was defined by bullying, manipulation, and emotional neglect
I remember my coach asking me once if I’d eaten a whole pizza and gallon of milk the night before
I was too young to understand why he was asking but the disdain came across clearly

my dad never spoke to me about quitting
I could only imagine the disappointment

I’m used to a lack of support
judgement, criticism, bullying
I have more memories of those coaches and kids than my parents and sister,
they started me at 3, I joined the competitive team at 7, and the other girls were years older than me
I’m used to feeling alone and facing things alone
I’m used to emptiness
I’m used to one sided relationships and keeping things to myself
I’ve rarely felt anything else
there were brief interludes
a relationship in high school, a good boss for a few years
but I don’t feel strong today
I don’t feel independent in a healthy way
lately I just feel tired
my heart hurts
and life seems too long

I knew it would end this way
with me running haphazardly
with a stick
after hours
“am I alright?”
of course
it’s only fate
and the smooth branch of time
to worry

two is too many
even for one
who is too much

I think you’re amazing
even though I don’t know you yet
it occurred to me today
   and I was highly amused
   I’ll just be honest
that maybe you’re waiting for him to leave
so there’ll be no one to protect me
when you come

I know
I watch too much tv

the continuity of skin
and breath
the appearance of mental health
these are the basics needed
to get through a tough spot

I’m just gonna say it
I hate the subway
it’s hot, stinky, and *****
there’s too many people
but you can’t stare at them cause that’s rude
so you just have to stare at the walls
while crammed into a tin can shooting way too noisy and fast through the dark subterranean landscape
while disconcerting looking people roam from car to car
imploring you somewhat incoherently for money or attention or food
or some scrap of human connection
which is literally and existentially the most  terrifying aspect of the whole experience

as an urban planner by profession
I worry
this makes me an egregious hypocrite
though perhaps it’s just the gross density of humanity to which I object

I did, after all, enjoy the bus,
the train, and the walking walking walking
walking walking walking
walking walking

** hum
I’m a lonely mum
with only a dog,
a grumpy grouch
it’s rainy, it’s grey
and do I dare say
other company
could be much more fun
on this couch

I met an incarnation of Plato in the Alaska wilderness
she very mischievously gave me
a misbehaving wolf

best pick up line ever:
I’ll groom it however you like
it’s not my face going down there

trust is only as valuable
as the life you’re trying to preserve