a conversation was creating
a language of symbols
that we juggled with innocent glee
creating a story
within a story
that only the crazy could see

I am peaking out this hole
I am leaving scraps
they are my art

the scrolling is making me sea sick
nauseous
I have dating vertigo 🤮

I’m submerged in a secret heart
it’s dark
but I don’t need to see
it’s warm
with invisible fire
it’s soft and dreamy and safe
I would like to stay

the connection is sparking
the wire is frayed
the light is blinking
in Morse code

I would like to be secure
so as not to slip
out of my life
or my mind

feline curl
in the crook of your arm
relaxed
in the blind feral faith
that she is the one

I’m not sure you can put me all together
in your mind

I know I can’t put you

but I love all the pieces

even if I can’t understand yet

the whole

I’m one of those lucky people
whose toast always falls
peanut butter side up

I see tiny wildflowers rapidly blooming over my last grave
don’t worry, it’s a metaphorical grave
my mind naturally and periodically annihilates itself
like a built in acid trip
or self regulating electroconvulsive feedback loop
I have all these spare identities just for this purpose
sacrificial personalities
or personality clones, maybe
to satisfy my self destructive impulses
it’s very effective, probably due to
my vivid imagination and
commitment to emotional authenticity
anyway, I’m still here
growing generations of
happy flowers

every time you shrug
that’s you, granting yourself the blessing
of the serenity prayer

I find a strong will very ****
but it can be a detriment to a joyful life

when your hands are so ****
it doesn’t really matter what you do with them while dancing

two squirrels tumbled titanically down a fence
they caused quite a ruckus
completely graceless and profane
they looked at each other
with a brief, flashing daze
and scampered off
as only lovers
witnessing follies
can do

I am holding my breath
which is making it hard to breath
while this strange feeling is shaking out
all over my body
a new dance maybe

I want to feel good
to be free of insecurity and despair
but some days
it’s very easy to be knocked off my post
and I need a bit of a boost
to get back up

there are eyes in the dark
and shapes
they fold in and out
they pulse
I try not to look
I don’t want to know
what they are
or if they’re touching me

I framed a new space
wired it
installed electrical boxes
insulated it (the good stuff)
put up drywall...

next weekend will be mud and paint
then another weekend for shelves
which still doesn’t give me enough time
to figure out
whose closet is this?

athletic, beautiful, chivalrous
where did you get this
when you love someone
you see what you want
you see what you want

all my old haunts
are too intimate
I probably shouldn’t go back
I definitely shouldn’t
but I already did

it’s a little bit safe, though
since it’s just in my mind and
I don’t have your number anymore

I wore a short blue dress
it matched my eyes
and my body
it was quite glamorous
quite ****
I wonder, why was I feeling so fancy
in my dreams last night?

shoveling snow
is the way to go
I don’t like the blower
(also a bit afraid of the mower)
but walking that scrraaape! down the drive
(so it’s easy to leave, and arrive)
is a peaceful solitary way
to spend a cold bright Sunday
with my quiet
methodical
countenance,
while I watch the squirrels playfully
hop the fence

I blame you
for everything you didn’t do
if you had made just one move
I would have followed through

you know what I want
or do you?
oh, well
that’s too bad

I want you back
and front
and side to side

I would like to crawl into your bed
I would be
whichever spoon you want
or
we could fork

I don’t find myself very attractive
which allows me to think
many men have fallen in love
with my mind

how are the drones working?
has the technology improved?
I’ve been staying away from windows

most situations are easy to explain
because humans are simple
it’s just a matter of figuring out
what kind of simple you are

I’m not handling it well
is all there is to it

another sister dead
I can barely hear her message
over the keening of my own heart

I am whipped into airy sweetness
a spoonful of meringue on the dessert of your choosing
a delicate confection
I will melt in your mouth

it’s a beautiful night here
but the moon doesn’t know it
he can’t see behind the thick curtain
and he won’t come out tonight
we miss you moon
you’re the only thing missing
from this star crossed
Sisyphean night

do you expect me to love you
without a touch?
I don’t even buy shoes online

I pretended to sleep
you lounged in the corner
ankle over knee
casually holding a very long handled
sledgehammer
talking to someone I couldn’t see
you were upbeat and relaxed
you were gentle and amused
you were handsome and
a bit
frightening
who were you?

what happens when you sleep?
does she get away from you?
you can’t take care of her?
she tricks you?
you miss crucial plot development...?
what happens when you sleep?

a little rest
to deal with the stress
and too much pain
don’t go insane

it has been the slowest tide in millennia
the moon went traveling to a distant star
leaving the ocean in such a state
lovers are lost
wolves are incensed
the estrus is in peril
meanwhile
the tide drags itself out
foam curling like lazy toes under bed covers
rising against gravity
disappearing momentously
up
into a serpentine mountain of water
reaching
for its fading mate
the moon

the wave holds time
inside the precipice of its crash
a breathless, silent
pause

the moon looks back, gently
seeing only a warm farewell

your coaster is at the top of the track
you are about to have the ride of your life
hang on
scream if you must
but it is just the two of us here
so smile

I lamented the stain on my heart
without trying to remove it
when I finally did
it came right off

humans are social creatures
like dogs
we’re not meant to be alone

the space around me is naked and expectant
it has been yours for a long time now
your crime is negligence
I am calling social services

I’m wearing a pink shirt,
maroon striped socks,
and your patience
but I’m happy to take it all off

socks
I hate folding socks
there’s no chore
I hate more
than folding a great big pile of socks
especially if they’re all the same
black, white, gray... lame

it’s not zen
(like washing dishes)
not satisfying
(like fixing britches)
there’s no sense of accomplishment
(like cooking a meal that’s ambitious)
folding socks is a terrible bore

but not having them folded
is the one thing I hate more

nothing hurts (much)
the light is bright
things are in order
and clean (relatively)
I think I even feel a bit happy
I’m smiling anyway
it’s a day of peace
and gratitude
so far
the first 30 minutes of it anyway

most people who know me don’t realize
I can be gentle...
so gentle

whoever said it takes two to tango
never saw me dance

last week was really lovely
what shall I believe this week?

I tried to hide it
the damage your actions caused
I didn’t want you to feel bad
that’s just like me
if I got stabbed
I’d worry my attacker might have hurt his arm doing the stabbing
I knew I had to fix the tear in my space though
I was slowly seeping out
becoming something I’m not

but the magnitude of damage was striking
even to myself who experienced it
I know you don’t believe in any of this
though you’ve had plenty of evidence
of inexplicable knowing
uncanny conclusions
explain it away as coincidence if you must
you can’t know me
no matter how much you watch
because you don’t believe in my fundamental existence
but I believe in you

some tests
you can only pass
by failing