I got an impact massager
for my legs
which are always super tight after my workouts
it is AMAZING
like a massage and physical therapy all in one
and it kind of has a mind of its own
jumping all over the place
at least that’s what I tell myself
when it ends up
as it usually does
   there
I mean—
those muscles are super tight too

I am electric all around
like Pikachu
cute and yellow

It came!
so will I

I thought Barbie would make me feel better
but it did not
maybe because I wore blue

ocean
river
lake
brook
pond

you are my home

I wish you were here
we’d hold hands on the bus
snuggle on the train
wander aimlessly through the museums, streets, and parks of New York
we’d share a bed
we’d share fancy drinks
we’d scream at the stage
more! more! more!
we’d make years of memories in a day
and come back to our sleepy town
in the end
more in love than ever

experimenting, with punctuation!
I never know. when is the right. time.
to punctuate;
periods! terrify me—
semicolons; are we? writing? a dissertation?
and commas.
“tie me up in knots”
let’s. experiment!
with, punctuation,

don’t mind me
I’ll just be over here putting my heart back together

in ten thousand years
our descendants will study a strange people
who worshipped Mew and Arceus
they will study the seventh millennium war
fought between the two sects over who came first,
who was most powerful
Arceus, god of the universe
or Mew, the first being, who beget Arceus
they will read about a third sect
who hid from persecution from both
the worshippers of Pika,
the mouse goddess of lightning

the Pokelogic cosmology
will be a fairly obscure niche of study
our ten thousand year descendants will overwhelmingly be worshippers of
the ancient goddess Tik
and her consort Tok

you are a carbonation that never goes flat
and you are shaking inside me

I can turn every moment of your life into a portrait
that I will admire
from near or far

I love her course hands
the scoring on each finger
like the tread of a tractor tire
wise with wrenches and grease
she will tell you what to do
just like a man
so obnoxious and confident
she’s a study in authentic masculinity
I’m mesmerized
by her imperfection
and competence
in all matters of this life

my wolf dog was fickle
opinionated
a harsh judge of character
she did not like my cello playing
she did not like, or trust, people
she wouldn’t take
even a steak
from anyone but me

she did not bark, she spoke
with an impressive and expressive range of sounds

she had very sharp teeth
that she used to eat
domesticated animals
   expensive bird
   helpless kittens
very yummy snacks, she thought
though the bird was more than she bargained for
she swallowed it whole
and it was not small

she was not spayed
and would attract local dogs
howling in the dead of night, while she stood
regally
on the roof outside my window

when presumptuous people approached us
she would cringe against me, while on leash
quickly, I would say, don’t pet my dog...
they would freeze
with surprise and slight embarrassment
she protected me; I protected her and her
delicate sensibilities

she would never attack a person
but she threatened plenty
with her soft, controlled, purring snarl
she was convincing
all 45 lean, gorgeous pounds of her, and
her thick, shiny mane

she got me in a lot of trouble back then
I think of her often
I miss her like crazy
and still consider her
one of my closest friends
in this life

my heart reflects the world
it is pouring

I just don’t want to be hit in the head
with a baseball bat
when I’m not looking
so if you’re going to hit me in the head
with a baseball bat
make sure I’m looking

my most enduring memory
will be of you pretending
I’m not there

I have all these straws
colorful pretty glass straws
delicate and lovely and sustainable
I like to organize and admire them

I wonder which is the last

processing loss is a very dangerous job
the machines are terrifying
the hours are long
and the pay is terrible

I am very good at catching Pokémon
and other elusive creatures
we evolve together
collect stardust
wander about in the weather
and wonder about our promising other

my dog is trying to meld his body into mine
perhaps he thinks he can protect me from the dangers inside as well as out

those who wish to remain hidden
should not befriend those
with x-ray vision

you will all be happy to hear
that squirrel #3 is free and clear
with nary a scratch
I did so successfully catch
and release
the rambunctious little dear

once I’ve said all there is to say
regurgitated everything he ever said to me
     his words float to the surface of my thoughts still
     hurting, confusing, misleading
     promising words, about the future
     disconcerting words, that hint “not you”
once I’ve purged my mind of him
and all his words
it will be better, I think
then all I have to do
is stay away
for the rest of my life
so I never hear any more of his words
it will just be me
and my cynical thoughts
and some other man’s clothes in my closet

dear crocus
you are like a **** librarian
with your rich violet petals peaking timidly from spears of green
****** and demure
I will paint my dreams with you tonight

I love with a ragged hope
that he will come to me
while trying to go on with my life
in a happy way

I hear the rain
like the forest
there is no other sound
just existence
of rain
surfaces
textures
resonance
of shapes
the fullness of rain
in every sense
consumes me
I am complete
in the symphony
of rain

I am a flower in the rain
drooping with fat drops rolling off my petals
I know the water will make me bigger
stronger
but for now
I keep my head down and weather the storm
wait for the sun
wait for the sun
wait for the sun

the summer shower is already past
and the sun is trying to come out
I know there is a rainbow out there somewhere
in the sky
or your window
or my heart

the day doesn’t know
whether to rain or shine
it’s ok day
I’m having trouble too
keeping my kite in the sky

all the hellos and goodbyes
boil down to a rainy Sunday
with piano music
and hot chocolate

I’m going to write something really great!
It’s going to rock your world!
Then you will fall over, cursing me.

objects in mirror should appear as far away as they are

I’m not much of a betting woman
I infer, or deduce...

nah, don’t buy that *******
I just listen to the voices in my head

or my gut

wherever the most synapses are happening at any particular moment

translated to colors and shapes
I make more sense

delicious and nutritious
not at all suspicious

we met through our kids
I developed an instant crush
I was in a bad relationship
and it was nice to feel good again
I sought his company more and more
every few weeks or months
first with our kids
then alone, just us
I invited him out to lunch
I took him for walks on the trails
and around our neighborhood at night
I asked him out with my friends
silly laughing drunken evenings
I wanted to see him always
I was elated and full to bursting with him
he was friendly and funny
we told each other about our lives
I thought he liked me
but he never asked me out
it was always me
I thought he was too shy
then one night we kissed
and kissed and kissed
that was all
but it was wonderful
something broke inside me
all my desires came flooding to the surface
but he was very drunk
in the morning he said he didn’t remember
he said it was a mistake
I couldn’t make the feelings go back though
I tried to make it keep happening
but he told me no
he told me stop
so I did
I never asked him out again
and we never spent time together again

I’m not sure when I started noticing the poetry
it was so long ago
it was after I told him about the poetry
so I thought it was him
it was exciting and ****
it was torturous desire
he talked about his feelings for me
he talked about our time together
I fell in love with him
more than love
I became obsessed with him
but when I asked, he said it wasn’t him
they were just coincidences
it was just poetry
anonymous poetry
I fell apart
the fantasy was the only glue holding me together at that point
I couldn’t let it go

I still don’t know what’s real
I’ve lived in a web of lies and manipulations
should I have known?
at some point I realized the posts were not just about our time together
they were about my life
everything I did
all my conversations
everything in my phone
I confronted him again
again, he said it wasn’t him
the person who hacked my phone
who watched me and heard everything
who posted mirrors of my life
and my fantasies of him
I believed him at first
I thought it was a stranger
because of Chou Chou
she said she knew the stalker
she said he was a catfisher
she said he was her errant lover
and I should stay away
I told her he was stalking me
she didn’t believe me
no one did
I called the police
I got a new phone
he always found me
and they never found him
he’s not in the country, they concluded
there’s nothing we can do
change your passwords
so I did
over and over

somehow over the years
I convinced myself it really was him
my crush
he loved me
he wanted me
it had to be him
the belief was thrilling, soothing, ecstatic
I left him notes and cards
I texted him, “ran into him” on the street
he never responded
to anything
but the posts were very convincing to the contrary
it was like he was trying so hard not to be seen
that he shown like a neon sign
I could find meaning in every vague post
you know how it is
you’ve experienced it too
you think you know what it means
you think it applies to you
it’s poetry
it applies to everyone, doesn’t it?
he’s not talking about me
is he?

for a long time the posts were sweet
but after a long while I noticed a mean streak
I tried to ignore it
love one day
hostility the next
sweetness, then attack
adoration, then judgement
promises of future affection
then mocking withdrawal
this person is messing with me, I thought
this person, whoever he is
wants to hurt me
I stopped trusting
I stopped trusting the anonymous stalker I fell in love with
I stopped trusting the shy sweet damaged man who loved me
I stopped trusting fate, love, desire, joy

I struggled, I still struggle, to consider others
to consider any romantic love at all
to rediscover faith
in anyone
in anything

the world is not a place I understand
I realize that now
more clearly than ever before
people don’t care when it seems they do
there are people damaged in ways I can’t comprehend
there are people who want to harm and humiliate others
for reasons unfathomable to me
I feel this now
I don’t know what I experienced
but I feel this possibility now
in ways that, yes, I understood before
but did not feel or believe
I kept, I keep, going through the loop

it happened again recently
every time I find out new information
about my crush
I look back and the puzzle piece posts click into place
oh, I think, that’s what this was about
I understand now
it wasn’t meant to hurt me
it’s easy to think everything is about you
when someone has stalked you
it’s easy to be paranoid and reactive
it’s easy to create stories
stories of harm based on your fear
stories of love based on your desire
to link things together where there is no link

fears and desires can shred you down to nothing
no reality, no attachment, no ground, no sky
no judgement, no defense

just a self, a pulse, an existence, a center
both empty and full

and eventually, in the silence
in the peaceful breath
hopefully
a nudge
to love again

—Mom!! Moooommmm!!
    Help!!! I need a hug!!!
    I’m dyyyy-inngg!!!
    I need a hug mom!!! Heeelllp!!!
mom stands staring blankly
at dramatically flailing
not very small child
trying to figure out
the safest angle
of approach

****, I just realized
I’m going to be horribly depressed
in two weeks
I knew I shouldn’t have done this
I had such progress
the greatest progress in the history of progress

but then I remembered
his fuzzy warm face
slender fingers
the angle of his smile
and then there was no one else
again
so here I am

you’ve always got to hold a bit back
at first, it’s true
just
not so much
for so long

I was so scared last night
my heart was thundering
the house was shuddering
desperately clenching the earth
violent wind stressing every weakness
the absence of rain ever more sinister

between the resonating terrors
I thought I would crack into pieces
become some weird horrible art
destroyed in a symbolic macabre way

this morning, it continues
I’m a little mouse, shivering

the path to your heart
I know
is through a dark wood
the path is guided, though
by gentle fairies
masquerading as song birds
and the serendipitous wisdom of flowers
there is magic all around us
and in our hearts
though we walk blindly
with reckless trust and nameless hope
we are rewarded
finally

why didn’t you ever want more?
I don’t understand
is this really all you wanted?
really?
were you loving someone else?
was someone else loving you?
did I meet some obscure niche in your life?
these are rhetorical questions
a reflection of my bafflement
despite our storied past
I am not a disturbed person
I think you know this
maybe that’s how you know it never would have worked
I’m a healthy person
I won’t accept your half measures
you have whole measures, you do
that you choose not to share
somewhere inside you is a real thing
and I have loved it
every bit of you I have loved

but that real thing, you
maybe give him a chance too

why can’t I have you now
I want you
now
right
now

it’s all good lover
it doesn’t hurt anymore
like I said
I’m moving on
we’ll all just take our chances

it was a tragedy, an irony
a catch-22
like Romeo and Juliet,
it was an epic timeless love
that killed them both

barkety barkety!
get off my property!

(repeat)

he makes me feel safe
he held me while I cried
over you
kissed my forehead
tucked me in
he fills this tiny space with love
seals the cracks
and I feel safe
he’s the only one
whose ever done that

forget the high road
I take the road where you can swipe a knee
if you need to keep yourself safe

I can’t even write the story of you
I keep trying
it gets longer and longer and more convoluted
I realized it’s more of a saga
but I don’t know how to make things interesting
when they go on for so long
and! there’s still more to go
it’s not over yet
not for me

I bet it will start more smoothly
once I know how it really ends

when my son was little
I told him right away
there is no Santa
he didn’t believe me
just like her when I said
you aren’t real
my son, at least, grew out of it