even emptiness has a character
emptiness can represent some of my most vivid states
I do not know, truly, what nothing could possibly be
not very zen of me

I am so sorry
I am so sad
come back
dear sociopath lover
I live for you
truly
all the feelings I have
revolve around you
even if you are a lying
psychotic
*******

and isn’t that what counts?

a little rest
to deal with the stress
and too much pain
don’t go insane

I can’t for the life of me park straight
and it’s getting worse
it’s embarrassing
but I have to live with it
some people can’t cook
others can’t carry a tune
some have terrible breath
me? can’t park straight
(shrugs)

it doesn’t matter
everything is moving in the right direction these days
but still
do it again
I will hide in the bushes

hello Friday, Saturday, and Sunday
let’s just try to get along

I wrote you a story
it starts, “my wrists...”
and ends with eating popcorn
a dining room table is prominently featured
but this is the wrong venue for all that

why are you so happy today
it’s very suspicious
I don’t like it one bit

I like now
the present is the best present

When he was little he always told the truth
He didn’t even know it was an option not to
His word was gold
Now
Did you take all the treats? (Lie)
Did you do your work? (Lie)
Did you pick up? (Lie)
Did you quit stalking that poor woman?

I can feel my heart beating
pulsing
pounding
just not in my chest

there are moments I feel
wildly horrible
unbearably self deprecating
suicidally hopeless

and the next few moments
endlessly amused
fantastically entertained
immortally serene

will I give up?
or transcend?
it’s quite an exhausting ride
this life

I used to be so afraid of losing you
silly, since I didn’t have you
didn’t have a chance of navigating your minefields
I’m not afraid anymore
I’ve given up
if fate exists,
I’ll let her take care of it

in the meantime
I have happy places to find
I will share them with you

they waited and waited and waited
but the sky never fell
and eventually
they fried that little chicken

I’ve got to respond
to protect myself
for the record
a woman can never relax
she has to try harder
the bar is higher
she’s constantly under scrutiny
and judgement
they can raise their voices
but she can’t
they can be disrespectful
but she can’t get frustrated
it used to be my happy place
now I can barely walk in the door
anxiety and panic daily
it’s time to go
I can’t stomach it any longer
literally
I’m throwing up
I have hope though
there’s a better place
a safer place
and I have excellent references

it’s hard to breathe today
hard to move
get up
just get up
one foot
another
another
just get up
you can do it
you can

you have been on my mind all day
please, do you want to get off?

sometimes a but can haunt you
it appears
disappears
but
but
but

just spit it out
you weak *******

sorry
I tend to be ******* myself
at times

do I still exist?
I think so
I have a house
a family
friends
I work some days, not others
I have a phone, email
various social media accounts
I am not invisible
or untouchable
or unreachable
I think I still exist
I definitely do

if you try to speak to me
I will run and hide in the dense thickets
peeking out curiously
as you call

I don’t know who you are
but you never had a chance
no sir
are you crazy?
I’m not a pile of seed left out for the birds

the kitty stretches
lithe across her feather bed
she’s ready for belly rubs and head scratches
purring contentedly in her oasis of pillows and toys
she dreams, paws twitching
her mischievous kitty dreams

some tests
you can only pass
by failing

I can see
just now
this very moment
how you would think me a liar

because I remember that night
(so long ago)
when you complained
I look so young
(like, jealously)

and I said—

you look young too…

but you called me a liar

you called me a liar
but it was true
it was true and I believed it
but you couldn’t

it’s just like when I tell you
—I love you—

there’s a tiny portal to another world
right next to my bed
a gateway to a magical fantastic utopian world
full of colors and shapes and spinning tops
at least that’s what I imagine
I’ve never been
or found the door
but I know it’s there
because somewhere
in some other time space reality matrix
there is a small happy pile
of beautiful single
earrings

it’s very slippery
with the moon
so slippery

but I’m trying to reassure you
its ok

I tried to hide it
the damage your actions caused
I didn’t want you to feel bad
that’s just like me
if I got stabbed
I’d worry my attacker might have hurt his arm doing the stabbing
I knew I had to fix the tear in my space though
I was slowly seeping out
becoming something I’m not

but the magnitude of damage was striking
even to myself who experienced it
I know you don’t believe in any of this
though you’ve had plenty of evidence
of inexplicable knowing
uncanny conclusions
explain it away as coincidence if you must
you can’t know me
no matter how much you watch
because you don’t believe in my fundamental existence
but I believe in you

be careful poets
sometimes a love poem can turn into a ******
or a burlap bag of puppies at the bottom of a lake
sometimes a love poem can wrap its fingers around your throat and squeeze until you can’t speak
be careful I say

it can happen
especially if you’re out of practice

commas are graphic
three dimensional bullies
so opinionated
we should put them in their place

what happens when you sleep?
does she get away from you?
you can’t take care of her?
she tricks you?
you miss crucial plot development...?
what happens when you sleep?

you are standing there
but I am looking... elsewhere
not disclosing how keen is my peripheral vision

I enticed
I teased
I begged
I pleased

I yelled
I waited
I talked
I stalked

I sang
I danced
I ran

I smiled
I cried
I lived
I died

I came
I went
I loved

the morning walked along an ecstatic shore
under a pastel drawn sky
flowing in white scarves
the morning was a beautiful woman
with long hair emanating peace
and gratitude
the morning was perfect

** hum
I’m a lonely mum
with only a dog,
a grumpy grouch
it’s rainy, it’s grey
and do I dare say
other company
could be much more fun
on this couch

I no longer take responsibility for my feelings
there are aliens in space toggling levers back and forth
shooting experimental pink beams into my brain
while eating Reese’s pieces

thank you for everything you took
thank you for everything you gave
thank you for everything

the capitol was vacated
but the capital is still there

there are jelly beans that taste exactly like
buttered popcorn
which clearly means
you should never buy buttered popcorn

how would you ever know
if you got the real thing?
maybe you’re eating jelly bean flavored popcorn

feeling spectacularly alienated
and being spectacularly different
are not the same thing

my dog is trying to meld his body into mine
perhaps he thinks he can protect me from the dangers inside as well as out

sometimes people want you to be angry
they feel a kind of acknowledgment
or empowerment
if you happen to not get angry
it can be a great offense
a sign of your apathy
rather than an expression of your own mechanism
for coping with pain

I’ve been on both sides of this equation
so I know
anger can be a gift
if you know how to give it

the captive audience is getting anxious
they are looking for the exits
they are feeling tricked

my dog hates the dishwasher
the dishes go in yummy
and come out completely tasteless

smooth, pink, and iridescent
like fresh water pearls
sparkling sweetly
they’ve never been so pretty
my toes

the pain of imperfection
the pain
and mystery
of you
is in my future
you are in my future
I know this
can taste it
you are
you will be
the sweet enduring pain
of my salvation

I am having significant trouble to focus
there are feelings swirling in areas that do not help one to think
and in my brain
thoughts of you
have performed a coup

it’s still cold at night
but so warm in my mind

I’m wearing a pink shirt,
maroon striped socks,
and your patience
but I’m happy to take it all off

I was startled out of my body twice last night
twice!!
I floated there, momentarily weightless
before being snapped back in
it was very rude

the second time I was flashed the gateways
vividly
like a smack in the brain
wake up ya zombie!
I was all, Jesus Christ! I hear you!
lemme go back to sleep!
some of us didn’t pick up a buncha worshippers and we have to work for a living!
**** esoteric trust fund kids