I remember when I was younger I had this crush on an older man.
He was an Ayurvedic practitioner that I took a cooking class from. His name was Sonam and he played the digiridoo.
It must have been very obvious that I had a crush on him, because once when I had to drop something off at his apartment, standing in the hallway of his building before I left, he said, almost as an afterthought, with a humble smile and nod of embarrassed appreciation, “and thank you, for your…affections…” as he gently closed the door.
It was the sweetest and most painless acknowledgement of a futile attraction anyone could ever experience. I walked away surprised, with humor for myself, and appreciation for him.

We should all learn to say no with such grace. I wish I had retained the ability to accept no with such grace.

nothing I write
on this site
will make him care
about me

thank you for this bit of silence
you are predictable
calming, relaxing
you help me keep balance

with your long

undemanding

stretches

of emptiness

it is just enough space
for a revelation
a soul searching
an enriched solitary intimacy

as well as
a cognac with
a twist of orange

when you eat the fruit of a tree
it’s the only foreplay a tree will ever know
a thick skin is just playing hard to get

umm...
are you really in prison?!?
and if so, how did I get there?
I do not like this story
I am very claustrophobic

we will find all the Pokémon downtown
we will catch them and battle them and other stuff
we will wear gloves and eat donuts

I’m not sure you can put me all together
in your mind

I know I can’t put you

but I love all the pieces

even if I can’t understand yet

the whole

it’s ok, you deserve it
we all do

it’s too dangerous
for my mind
and my skin

dogs are nice
dogs are fun
they like to chew and *** and run
dogs are sweet
you know it’s true
the only thing better

is a person who loves you and who you love and you don’t want to ****** each other and you make each other laugh and have great *** and do cool stuff together and they think your kid is awesome and you think their kid is awesome and you live happily ever after and also you have antigravity boots

why couldn’t it have been you, he said
but I thought it was

you budged in here with a mask
it’s not my fault you got shot

I’m wearing a pink shirt,
maroon striped socks,
and your patience
but I’m happy to take it all off

I was startled out of my body twice last night
twice!!
I floated there, momentarily weightless
before being snapped back in
it was very rude

the second time I was flashed the gateways
vividly
like a smack in the brain
wake up ya zombie!
I was all, Jesus Christ! I hear you!
lemme go back to sleep!
some of us didn’t pick up a buncha worshippers and we have to work for a living!
**** esoteric trust fund kids

why can’t I have you now
I want you
now
right
now

I am peaking out this hole
I am leaving scraps
they are my art

I’ve revisited some of my past offerings
I’ve given you
a breathtaking display
of devotion
and lust
there is no denying this

I expect you have appreciated it
I’m just saying
I see it too

the storm of pain blows easily away
a simple prayer for healing
and an open heart  
but when the clouds clear
the sun appears singing of your face
the light is filled with you
as was the empty darkness

it’s confusing to pray for release
when happy and sad are the same thing
what does healing look like?
maybe loving you
but letting you go anyway
dear galactic mind
what is acceptance?

it’s not that I forget bad things happened
I remember
bad things happened
I just don’t remember what they were

I’m laughing,
I know it doesn’t feel like it
but I’m laughing
with you

I know I haven’t said lately but
you’re wonderful and perfect and
there’s nothing wrong with you at all
...in the grand scheme of things

I see you in black and white
the smoke is writhing around my body
silks draping from me
my hair is long and soft
my skin is naked and pale
you are looking at me
with too many faces
your eyes hold too many meanings
I’m intoxicated, incapacitated
by your meanings
yet I know you distill
into one simple clear truth
and I know this truth of you

hmmm...
(tapping finger to lips)

(raises finger)
I can read this—
just a minute—
(lowers finger back to lips)

hmmm...
(tapping)

I imagine him suffering over me
it’s indulgent, I know
he’s not
but it makes me feel love
and sympathy and forgiveness
and human

and I can’t imagine you
at all

we’re just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl
year after year
running over the same old ground
and how we found
the same old fears

there was a woman who lived
in a glass box
there were no doors or windows,
chains, or locks
she smiled and cried
she watched flowers bloom
and die
she read poetry
and dreamed of romance
on occasion
she danced

but always
she touched glass
hoping for isolation to pass
she longed for warm fingers
and peaceful embrace
for the box to be lifted
to kiss a man’s face
she’s still there now
with gentle grace
wondering if love will ever come
to this place

the smoke passes over my lips
as you once did
the present and the past confer
as legislators
on important matters
of global concern

he’s a cutie
with his sweet smile and boyish looks
who holds his hand at night?
who kisses him goodbye in the morning?
I’m very concerned about this
everyone needs these things

I’m hearing a tone
it’s emanating from the molecules that make up my brain
resonating all around me
a gentle synthesized chord
it’s really beautiful and feels amazing
or it could be a tumor

eventually you were just
gone
and, even if you weren’t,
it didn’t matter anymore

that’s how things sometimes go

I’m not handling it well
is all there is to it

it is not polite to take your coffee
into a different coffee shop
especially one with bats in the belfry
that will leave guano in your cup

tiny yellow flowers are winking at me
very slowly

every morning they get started
like a long slow yawn
stretching
stretching
stretching
their little petals wide

around midday they’re open and alert
looking around curiously at their neighbors
the grass
and saying hello to me on my lunch break

then they get sleepy
starting to close up shop at dusk
good night now, they sing softly,
sweet dreams
closing
closing
closing
their delicate lashes as the sun slips away

the daily blink

whoever said it takes two to tango
never saw me dance

the cold irony of your words when you think you are talking about love is endearing
but sometimes I feel sad for you

a little hug to start the day
to keep the blues away
to tell the happy, stay

my head is laughing
my heart is screaming in terror
my other parts have gone for a swim

I wish you happy, playful feelings today
glow in the dark feelings
unicorn rainbow sticker feelings
the kind of gentle, innocent, inspiringly optimistic feelings I had when I kissed you goodbye on the cheek that time after you told me to stay on my side of the car but I snuck that kiss in anyway because I just couldn’t help it and I thought it would be sweet and encouraging

also, I want to have *** with you feelings
I’ll throw in some of those too

if I gave you a hug
would you feel a hug?
or a claustrophobic squeeze?
if I sent you a picture
would you see my need to connect?
or steal my soul with your eyes?
if I left you a flower
would you smell the sweetness of hope?
or the decay of lost possibilities?
if I kissed your lips
would you taste desire?
or fear?

if I said I love you
would you hear it?

the rabbit hole is deep and has many warrens
one could spend a lifetime exploring
which is what I’m doing
but you will still only experience a tiny fraction
good thing we get so many

I was obsessed with him
so what
you were obsessed with me
so you know how it is

I cannot sleep
I am greatly concerned with matters of equity
and social justice
plus, there is a St. Patrick’s Day sale
on wireless remote control vibrators

frustration rips through me
I let it pass
I’m watching it pass
like a race car on a desert track
leaving a temporary cloud of swirling dust
the sun is still warm on my back

I do not have a vacancy
which is ok
because I have no reservations

I’m moving on
I wish you’d come with me
but I’m moving on
I’m going to find someone
who wants to go on dates
spend time with me
in person
it doesn’t seem to be you
I can’t let either of you keep me
waiting like this
I’m moving on

Why are you sad? he asked
What can I say?
It hurts.
I’m sad because it still hurts.

it’s hard to trust and respect people
intimately
when you are a little bit brilliant
I understand why one might chose a pigeon

I am all out of smart *** gas for the night
but I have other
more combustible sentiments
to keep you warm

I miss you
even though
there is so little
to miss

he woke drowsy
with a tuft of those
familiar
crinkly
hairs
in his mouth

his mind raced in this half sleep state

seconds later
fully conscious
he raced to the bathroom and
trimmed
his
beard