scams of the heart are most egregious
and while I don’t like to think the worst of you
alternative explanations seem absurdly naive
though, I am a descendant of European colonizers
and we are a notoriously jaded bunch

do you know what non duality is?
well, I think you should
because it is the future
of science, technology, philosophy
get on board
or be left behind

I remember this one look
we had just started spending time together
it was a sunny afternoon in front of City Hall
we were saying goodbye
I hugged him and looked up
he hugged me back and kept his head high
our faces far apart
his eyes gazed down at me
so so so
warily
he was not smiling
there seemed to be so much there
behind that pensive gaze
I wanted it
every last bit
of whatever it was
it’s ok, I tried to say
with my smile
I love you already, I tried to say
I’ll never forget that look

I don’t know what you hoped to accomplish
at any given point
what reality you were trying to create for me
why you didn’t trust me
or tell me the truth
all I know is:
it’s very hard to lie to me,
for reasons previously discussed;
it’s been very painful;
I think you’re still... somewhere;
and I hate how elated that makes me feel

I needed you then
I needed help
a smile
a hug
I needed your willingness
to be there for me
but I’ve got through it alone
just
don’t bother
if you ever did

don’t stop
don’t think
don’t feel
just move

he’s got the nicest smile of anyone I’ve ever seen
…
the end

I am very good at catching Pokémon
and other elusive creatures
we evolve together
collect stardust
wander about in the weather
and wonder about our promising other

I am watching the sun slip
under the horizon
it is 6:47

that was a lie
it is 6:46
I got swept up
in the dusky drama of night
forgive me

you’ve disrupted my rhythm
it’s all good
I like to re-examine my commitments
it keeps one authentic

we met through our kids
I developed an instant crush
I was in a bad relationship
and it was nice to feel good again
I sought his company more and more
every few weeks or months
first with our kids
then alone, just us
I invited him out to lunch
I took him for walks on the trails
and around our neighborhood at night
I asked him out with my friends
silly laughing drunken evenings
I wanted to see him always
I was elated and full to bursting with him
he was friendly and funny
we told each other about our lives
I thought he liked me
but he never asked me out
it was always me
I thought he was too shy
then one night we kissed
and kissed and kissed
that was all
but it was wonderful
something broke inside me
all my desires came flooding to the surface
but he was very drunk
in the morning he said he didn’t remember
he said it was a mistake
I couldn’t make the feelings go back though
I tried to make it keep happening
but he told me no
he told me stop
so I did
I never asked him out again
and we never spent time together again

I’m not sure when I started noticing the poetry
it was so long ago
it was after I told him about the poetry
so I thought it was him
it was exciting and ****
it was torturous desire
he talked about his feelings for me
he talked about our time together
I fell in love with him
more than love
I became obsessed with him
but when I asked, he said it wasn’t him
they were just coincidences
it was just poetry
anonymous poetry
I fell apart
the fantasy was the only glue holding me together at that point
I couldn’t let it go

I still don’t know what’s real
I’ve lived in a web of lies and manipulations
should I have known?
at some point I realized the posts were not just about our time together
they were about my life
everything I did
all my conversations
everything in my phone
I confronted him again
again, he said it wasn’t him
the person who hacked my phone
who watched me and heard everything
who posted mirrors of my life
and my fantasies of him
I believed him at first
I thought it was a stranger
because of Chou Chou
she said she knew the stalker
she said he was a catfisher
she said he was her errant lover
and I should stay away
I told her he was stalking me
she didn’t believe me
no one did
I called the police
I got a new phone
he always found me
and they never found him
he’s not in the country, they concluded
there’s nothing we can do
change your passwords
so I did
over and over

somehow over the years
I convinced myself it really was him
my crush
he loved me
he wanted me
it had to be him
the belief was thrilling, soothing, ecstatic
I left him notes and cards
I texted him, “ran into him” on the street
he never responded
to anything
but the posts were very convincing to the contrary
it was like he was trying so hard not to be seen
that he shown like a neon sign
I could find meaning in every vague post
you know how it is
you’ve experienced it too
you think you know what it means
you think it applies to you
it’s poetry
it applies to everyone, doesn’t it?
he’s not talking about me
is he?

for a long time the posts were sweet
but after a long while I noticed a mean streak
I tried to ignore it
love one day
hostility the next
sweetness, then attack
adoration, then judgement
promises of future affection
then mocking withdrawal
this person is messing with me, I thought
this person, whoever he is
wants to hurt me
I stopped trusting
I stopped trusting the anonymous stalker I fell in love with
I stopped trusting the shy sweet damaged man who loved me
I stopped trusting fate, love, desire, joy

I struggled, I still struggle, to consider others
to consider any romantic love at all
to rediscover faith
in anyone
in anything

the world is not a place I understand
I realize that now
more clearly than ever before
people don’t care when it seems they do
there are people damaged in ways I can’t comprehend
there are people who want to harm and humiliate others
for reasons unfathomable to me
I feel this now
I don’t know what I experienced
but I feel this possibility now
in ways that, yes, I understood before
but did not feel or believe
I kept, I keep, going through the loop

it happened again recently
every time I find out new information
about my crush
I look back and the puzzle piece posts click into place
oh, I think, that’s what this was about
I understand now
it wasn’t meant to hurt me
it’s easy to think everything is about you
when someone has stalked you
it’s easy to be paranoid and reactive
it’s easy to create stories
stories of harm based on your fear
stories of love based on your desire
to link things together where there is no link

fears and desires can shred you down to nothing
no reality, no attachment, no ground, no sky
no judgement, no defense

just a self, a pulse, an existence, a center
both empty and full

and eventually, in the silence
in the peaceful breath
hopefully
a nudge
to love again

I have a black hole in my pocket
It is

So

Heavy

I was marooned in time
along an archipelago of moments
it was paradise

but a hurricane blew me into the present
now I have no idea where I am

the path to your heart
I know
is through a dark wood
the path is guided, though
by gentle fairies
masquerading as song birds
and the serendipitous wisdom of flowers
there is magic all around us
and in our hearts
though we walk blindly
with reckless trust and nameless hope
we are rewarded
finally

good morning love
the days are expanding into chapters of a joyful life
I’m one of those foolishly optimistic narrators
who knows there will be a happy ending
you are my favorite character

I don’t believe in fate
but I do believe in karma
so why do I feel that it is my fate to be alone
but not my karma?

guilt is following me around today
like a bad hangover
but I haven’t drank a thing
dear god of sin,
stay in your lane

I can be boring
soooo boring
I can write about paint
in fact
I have some paint right here
it’s grey
the most boring color for paint
I will drag it across the walls of your mind
and put you right
to sleep

my steps have to be even
when I’m waiting, I count
don’t put the ketchup where the salsa goes
or throw any leftovers out

unless the counter is clean
I can’t focus, or cook
and my socks must match my underwear
even though you’ll never look

I have a few quirks
not many, you’d never see
but I get mind bogglingly worse
in a tough bout of anxiety

my eye is a giant boil
aching with vision
or lack
clouded with hurt
and denial
my eye is red and burning
it’s mate cannot relate
pressure grows
the dry burning orb
begs for release
if only it could cry
or scream
louder

I decided to forget all the things I don’t want to believe
And remember only the things that make me feel good
Just for a little while
To be happy
Like maybe
just this week

I never know what to do
with my hands
someone please tell me

Who would you tell?
And what?

try explaining circumcision
to an uncircumcised 12 year old boy

—Mom!! Moooommmm!!
    Help!!! I need a hug!!!
    I’m dyyyy-inngg!!!
    I need a hug mom!!! Heeelllp!!!
mom stands staring blankly
at dramatically flailing
not very small child
trying to figure out
the safest angle
of approach

the cat is blind
the mouse is getting worried
and fat

I am the queen
with a hungry guillotine
come closer

pain is nothing to me
I have no aversion to sacrifice
obsession, a peculiarity
my wants are secondary
action rules the day
and I don’t want to make a mistake
the consequences always feel so ominous
especially in matters of the heart
we are imperfect, absurd creatures
who should not be trusted

so I do nothing
maybe this is like you

I organized my sweaters by color this morning
I feel much better now

volcanic quaking
inescapable shaking
noise taking
surprise awakening

I held myself at gun point
and gave in to all my demands

the peas are delicious
and perfectly sweet
they are my gardens
most delightful treat
pretty yellow flowers
and crunchy plump pods
vines swirling up
tendrils reaching for the gods
heavenly peas
fresh and new
I hope you don’t mind
I’m going to eat you

you are my catnip
you give me bad kitty thoughts

I fell asleep in a choker of solid gold
and dreamed I was an Egyptian cat

ah well
you know where to find me

I’m jumping! I’m jumping!
I’m flipping and twisting!
I’m jumping!
I’m old

I’m one of those lucky people
whose toast always falls
peanut butter side up

this is maybe a funeral
no, the party after the funeral
that cool people say they want
instead of a funeral
because they don’t want people to be sad
which is stupid but
someone dropped acid in the punch
to help things along
and we are pretending you’re still here

I’m not happy the way I was
before, with you... or... him, I guess
I can’t even imagine being happy like that again
can’t even imagine it
that’s the saddest part
since I can usually imagine
well, just about anything

if I ever saw him again
things might be different
but I don’t expect I will
so it is what it is

let’s go together
you go your way
and I’ll go mine

ooo! I’m being “boosted”!
maybe I’ll have a date this Friday
or maybe I’ll have a gardening accident
maybe a meteor will land in the ocean
or maybe I’ll just dance naked in the dark
like I usually do
anything could happen

I am so sorry
I am so sad
come back
dear sociopath lover
I live for you
truly
all the feelings I have
revolve around you
even if you are a lying
psychotic
*******

and isn’t that what counts?

do you mean anything
you say or do?
is there any reason at all
I should trust you?

you know by now
when I am done with this face
it will disappear, every trace

a little rest
to deal with the stress
and too much pain
don’t go insane

truth is subtle and quiet
we have to wait for the dust to settle
then it is revealed
immutable and clear
carved into smooth stone
impossible to unsee

It came!
so will I

even emptiness has a character
emptiness can represent some of my most vivid states
I do not know, truly, what nothing could possibly be
not very zen of me

I’m a prisoner of wanting
a failure as a Buddhist
but an excellent lover
carried, as I am
into nirvana
by gentle ****** love