I try to move on
I think that’s what you want
but for every step I take away
my heart pulls me two steps back
tightening the knots binding me to you
and it is not unpleasant

you have no idea...
well, ok, you have some idea
aw hell, who am I kidding
you have tons of ideas
you’re a freaking idea machine!!
it’s just...
none of them are right

could you ever love me
as much as poetry?

I was startled out of my body twice last night
twice!!
I floated there, momentarily weightless
before being snapped back in
it was very rude

the second time I was flashed the gateways
vividly
like a smack in the brain
wake up ya zombie!
I was all, Jesus Christ! I hear you!
lemme go back to sleep!
some of us didn’t pick up a buncha worshippers and we have to work for a living!
**** esoteric trust fund kids

that’s never going to happen
this is just
a Lesson
I hear life is full of them
(shrugs dubiously)

I cannot reach past my skin today
my self stays inside the safe beautiful place
today I am the flower
not the gardener

it’s always tempting to blame myself
I can see the attraction
having a safe target
to take out my anger and frustration
to feel in control
with the illusion that self improvement could fix it
it’s preferable to accepting
that there is nothing at all I can do
maybe this is where the locus of fear comes from
growing slowly each morning in my stomach
I am alone
one of the many islands created in the deluge of our global actualization
we are each alone in our chrysalis
a symphony of painful transformations
does the moth think it has a choice?
does it always survive?

if I gave you a hug
would you feel a hug?
or a claustrophobic squeeze?
if I sent you a picture
would you see my need to connect?
or steal my soul with your eyes?
if I left you a flower
would you smell the sweetness of hope?
or the decay of lost possibilities?
if I kissed your lips
would you taste desire?
or fear?

if I said I love you
would you hear it?

it’s another heartfelt day for living and loving and healing
another day full of opportunities and chances and destinies fulfilled
another day for letting go,
dreaming big,
and believing in yourself
another day to let truth, beauty, and gratitude expand your heart

may you feel hope today
may you feel excitement
and joy
above all, may you feel loved
as you are
as I love you
today, tomorrow, and forever
in darkness
and in light

you now have a Cat
she lives Deep Underground
maybe you can find her

pain is nothing to me
I have no aversion to sacrifice
obsession, a peculiarity
my wants are secondary
action rules the day
and I don’t want to make a mistake
the consequences always feel so ominous
especially in matters of the heart
we are imperfect, absurd creatures
who should not be trusted

so I do nothing
maybe this is like you

red ***, meet green kettle
behave yourselves now

Siddhartha Gautama can keep his fourfold path
of nothingness
but Lao-Tzu can show me the way
any day

best pick up line ever:
I’ll groom it however you like
it’s not my face going down there

they waited and waited and waited
but the sky never fell
and eventually
they fried that little chicken

it’s Thursday
what did you expect
as you stumble down the stairs
with your six figure salary
that you never dreamed would multiply
like this
and the tears spilling over your lids
oh, darling, do you now have something
to lose?
are you missing something?
what
exactly
was your point?
when you started all of this?
your life, I mean
do you even remember?

dear rain
please
stop!
I have to paint!
I have important Things to do!
my porch is not going to finish remodeling itself!

also
my flowers want me to tell you
so I will
begrudgingly
and contrary to my own desires…

thank you

a phrase that has become meaningless
and impossible to say
‘I love you’
too painful
if not entirely cliche

a perplexing range of types
with one that matters most
a disappointment, a weapon
true for children
and ghosts

forgive me if I do not respond
in the right time
or place
perhaps this will change
if ever I see your face

dear Mr. Postman
I have shoveled the walk for you every time
every storm
every morning
every single day
sometimes twice a day
so please
please please
pretty please
no more bills

it appears there has been a miscommunication
my apologies
it is a lovely day here in New England
I hope you have a good evening

never ending spin
thread, spin, thread
spin
weightless baby bird

I remember when I was younger I had this crush on an older man.
He was an Ayurvedic practitioner that I took a cooking class from. His name was Sonam and he played the digiridoo.
It must have been very obvious that I had a crush on him, because once when I had to drop something off at his apartment, standing in the hallway of his building before I left, he said, almost as an afterthought, with a humble smile and nod of embarrassed appreciation, “and thank you, for your…affections…” as he gently closed the door.
It was the sweetest and most painless acknowledgement of a futile attraction anyone could ever experience. I walked away surprised, with humor for myself, and appreciation for him.

We should all learn to say no with such grace. I wish I had retained the ability to accept no with such grace.

don’t give me any buts
and I won’t give you any
except maybe one small ****
which is perfectly acceptable

he’s got the nicest smile of anyone I’ve ever seen
…
the end

in wavering
the timber sounds strong

I don’t believe in fate
but I do believe in karma
so why do I feel that it is my fate to be alone
but not my karma?

every night at this time
someone is tapping
on my mind

sometimes there’s not enough time in a life to heal
lovers lose
children die
hearts are never found
and we just laugh laugh laugh ourselves to the nearest grave
the life is still beautiful though
course it is

I would like to take your hand
lead you down a path of never ending blooms
the way it is in my heart
when I think of you

I don’t need to be gazing always at the sky
though the stars inspire my dreams
they are desolately distant, and space is cold
their stories and movements are outside the span of my life
I could be content staring at the ground instead
bury myself in soil and seasons
the blooming of flowers is lovely and tangible
and happens in a day  
they wrap my heart in joy and color
under the warmth of the sun

I do love both
but perhaps I should get my head out of the clouds
and focus on what I can touch in front of me now

in some future world
originals are being murdered
and frauds are prolifically plagiarizing

there was a woman who lived
in a glass box
there were no doors or windows,
chains, or locks
she smiled and cried
she watched flowers bloom
and die
she read poetry
and dreamed of romance
on occasion
she danced

but always
she touched glass
hoping for isolation to pass
she longed for warm fingers
and peaceful embrace
for the box to be lifted
to kiss a man’s face
she’s still there now
with gentle grace
wondering if love will ever come
to this place

a little rest
to deal with the stress
and too much pain
don’t go insane

you tell me
do I see you?
do I see
all of you
yet
in the smoke
in the mirrors
in the moonlight…?

because I feel you

everywhere

I’ve got to respond
to protect myself
for the record
a woman can never relax
she has to try harder
the bar is higher
she’s constantly under scrutiny
and judgement
they can raise their voices
but she can’t
they can be disrespectful
but she can’t get frustrated
it used to be my happy place
now I can barely walk in the door
anxiety and panic daily
it’s time to go
I can’t stomach it any longer
literally
I’m throwing up
I have hope though
there’s a better place
a safer place
and I have excellent references

guilt is following me around today
like a bad hangover
but I haven’t drank a thing
dear god of sin,
stay in your lane

humans are social creatures
like dogs
we’re not meant to be alone

walking in the dark
holding hands
bashfully
no one has ever
innocent kisses
lips exploring
joyfully
no one has ever
waiting loving hoping
waiting trusting
patiently
no one has ever
betrayal lies fear
forgiveness
betrayal betrayal betrayal
no one has ever
she didn’t come
you didn’t come
you never came
no one has ever

maybe
will only get you so far
but most of the world’s population has not realized this
as they bow their heads in prayer

I’m feeling different, better
sure, there’s still the debilitating emotional vulnerability, but not nearly as bad
and I feel peaceful, accepting
almost zen

course I did just go to the gym

I just spent 30 minutes
trying to tune a cheap electric guitar
at least I’m not on Facebook

do you mean anything
you say or do?
is there any reason at all
I should trust you?

I don’t like the way he looks at me sometimes
he looks at me the way I wanted you to

I have to get something off my chest…

I love cheese dip
and I’m not talking about fancy cheese dip
I mean straight out of the tin
100% processed, chemical
no cheese involved cheese dip

also

** **’s
man, that’s just childhood bliss
pure preservative laden childhood bliss
that’s “my mom loves me and life is good” sugar

corn dogs
who doesn’t love corn dogs?
minions of satan that’s who
and orange crush
peanut m&ms
******* jack popcorn
there was a cheap toy inside
a tattoo, or a plastic ring…

I was one of those kids
innocent, hopelessly naive, vulnerable

and

******* world

I still am

My brain isn’t trying to make sense anymore
My heart clings to the feeling it wants
I am frozen in your winter

—Mom!! Moooommmm!!
    Help!!! I need a hug!!!
    I’m dyyyy-inngg!!!
    I need a hug mom!!! Heeelllp!!!
mom stands staring blankly
at dramatically flailing
not very small child
trying to figure out
the safest angle
of approach

we were a thing that never was
a place that never placed
you never chased me because
there is no elephant zebra race

Atreyu’s horse sinks steadily into the mud
his weak limbs cease to move
white coat turns dark
his heart races in fear as he’s slowly entombed
Atreyu shrieks in tears
pulling on him not to give up
it’s no use
the swamp of sadness has swallowed hope
Artax is gone
Atreyu must go on alone
with only his grief and memory

my gleeful innocence is investigating
my human foolishness
with joyful detachment
my soul is emanating a deafening love
keeping everyone company

the square knot is simple
yet easily misunderstood
I admire it’s elegant symmetry
and strength
it is very reliable and can even be
quite unconventional
despite the misleading name