I am suspended in a healing euphoria
I haven’t felt this for so long
my connection to greater self seemed blocked
but I am expanding now
a minor ecstatic state
integrated with my mind
swelling in my chest
my limbs are numb and beautiful
the dimensions are folding loosely inside me
portals opening
I feel an incorruptible power and purity
a gentle ineffable pleasure of peace
and rightness
in truth, I do not know what it is
I call it energy, spirit, light
I call it Love
I call it Self

scams of the heart are most egregious
and while I don’t like to think the worst of you
alternative explanations seem absurdly naive
though, I am a descendant of European colonizers
and we are a notoriously jaded bunch

what happened to your gentle love
what happened to her innocence
you see the faces
meant for you

it’s a perfect day to behold the face of your love
the warmth of the ground will coax your feet
the rays of the sun will guide your arms
the light in the air will carry your words
the joy in her heart will melt your fears
even a few minutes of love
will bring peace to your mind
it’s a perfect day for that

I never understand when people say
they have nothing to write about
just ask yourself
what do I feel?
just look inside yourself
what is there
right now?

I just looked
and saw an old fashioned trap door bookshelf
with a stairway to a warmly lit basement
interesting!
what’s down there?
let’s look...
...

oh, I’m very sorry
it’s secret
that must be why it’s in the basement

but! you never know what you’ll find
when you peek inside
there’s always something there to write about

fix your house
reclaim your joy
find the infinite self inside the self,
the wellspring of happiness and love
you, too, can feel that you are
beautiful and sublime
you cannot be found in any mirror
or other
accept your numinous being
and you will be healed

the morning walked along an ecstatic shore
under a pastel drawn sky
flowing in white scarves
the morning was a beautiful woman
with long hair emanating peace
and gratitude
the morning was perfect

in ten thousand years
our descendants will study a strange people
who worshipped Mew and Arceus
they will study the seventh millennium war
fought between the two sects over who came first,
who was most powerful
Arceus, god of the universe
or Mew, the first being, who beget Arceus
they will read about a third sect
who hid from persecution from both
the worshippers of Pika,
the mouse goddess of lightning

the Pokelogic cosmology
will be a fairly obscure niche of study
our ten thousand year descendants will overwhelmingly be worshippers of
the ancient goddess Tik
and her consort Tok

I’m a prisoner of wanting
a failure as a Buddhist
but an excellent lover
carried, as I am
into nirvana
by gentle ****** love

I have a black hole in my pocket
It is

So

Heavy

I don’t need to say anything
You don’t need to say anything
That’s how it is now

when your guard is always up
you can’t enjoy the revelry brought by
fun loving bandits

there are moments I feel
wildly horrible
unbearably self deprecating
suicidally hopeless

and the next few moments
endlessly amused
fantastically entertained
immortally serene

will I give up?
or transcend?
it’s quite an exhausting ride
this life

I had so much love this morning
I drowned my dog in it
now he’s following me everywhere close behind
staring at me with star glazed eyes
tail permanently raised as a flag of devotion
I’m the key to his happy portal
and somehow that makes him mine

I will stop blaming you
for what happened with him
I never meant anything either way
none of this made any difference
you proved that
forcing a horrible, embarrassing encounter
which was painful and unnecessary
but it is now
only what it always was,
nothing
and I will stop thinking
you cost me
something I was never going to have

do not put dead fish on your dating profile
no one likes that
unless you’re doing it ironically
then you must make that very clear
also, keep your clothes on
I don’t even know you
sincerely,
**** single lady you are not dating

I tried to hide it
the damage your actions caused
I didn’t want you to feel bad
that’s just like me
if I got stabbed
I’d worry my attacker might have hurt his arm doing the stabbing
I knew I had to fix the tear in my space though
I was slowly seeping out
becoming something I’m not

but the magnitude of damage was striking
even to myself who experienced it
I know you don’t believe in any of this
though you’ve had plenty of evidence
of inexplicable knowing
uncanny conclusions
explain it away as coincidence if you must
you can’t know me
no matter how much you watch
because you don’t believe in my fundamental existence
but I believe in you

I am a tunnel between sunrise and sunset
life breezes through me
time stands still inside me
I am invisible to the wind
I am invisible to myself

I caught squirrel teenagers!
adorable hooligans
crashing about my attic
their mom has been giving me the stink eye for days
from the porch, the roof line, the lawn chairs
ever since I blocked her entrance
and their exit
so I was very pleased with myself this morning
when I released two rascals into the garden
she watched sternly from above
Look! I shouted up at her, fanning my arms wide
Your babies!!
they skittered away full of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches
she screeched at me a bit
and bounded off
I had the disappointing sense
I was not redeemed

I am alone this night
I know it
like so many others
you are not here
may never be
I know it

but I am
and this is enough

will always be

it’s all there, the complete mutable story
in the record of happenings outside of time
I have been ripping out chapters
that keep reappearing

I fell further and further down
it’s like I thought
maybe I’ll come out the other side
or find a vein of gold
so I kept slipping
deeper and deeper into the shaft
but when I finally gave up
clinging to some narrow ledge
looking down
looking up
I realized all I had left
was a really long climb

I’m basically out now
though still staring
like Ahab
into the empty hole

Rosco, my sweet, you are taking up too much of my bed
your twitching feet are filling me with dread
I love you devoted pup
but you are keeping me up
and it isn’t very pleasant in my head

the investigation is concluded
the detective put down his pen
he sat back
and grimaced

let’s just say
German

it’s another heartfelt day for living and loving and healing
another day full of opportunities and chances and destinies fulfilled
another day for letting go,
dreaming big,
and believing in yourself
another day to let truth, beauty, and gratitude expand your heart

may you feel hope today
may you feel excitement
and joy
above all, may you feel loved
as you are
as I love you
today, tomorrow, and forever
in darkness
and in light

has been upstaged
by you

I’m remembering that scene from fight club
Tyler says, I wanted to destroy something beautiful
I feel like that beautiful thing sometimes

a beautiful sleep
makes a beautiful me

my body aches
come press yourself to me
all our pains will dissolve
like magic
open your heart and mind
let my endless love absolve the misery
we can rest now
in the quiet gentle stillness
of us

my steps have to be even
when I’m waiting, I count
don’t put the ketchup where the salsa goes
or throw any leftovers out

unless the counter is clean
I can’t focus, or cook
and my socks must match my underwear
even though you’ll never look

I have a few quirks
not many, you’d never see
but I get mind bogglingly worse
in a tough bout of anxiety

I would like you to take my hand
and lead me down a peaceful street
I would like you to hug me in the shade
tell me I’m great
it will all be ok
pull my head to your shoulder
pet my hair
I would like to rest
there
in the comfort of you

you are my catnip
you give me bad kitty thoughts

I love with a ragged hope
that he will come to me
while trying to go on with my life
in a happy way

now is now
now is
right
now
my smiles
my arms
my lips
they are
now

forget the high road
I take the road where you can swipe a knee
if you need to keep yourself safe

you will all be happy to hear
that squirrel #3 is free and clear
with nary a scratch
I did so successfully catch
and release
the rambunctious little dear

I was startled out of my body twice last night
twice!!
I floated there, momentarily weightless
before being snapped back in
it was very rude

the second time I was flashed the gateways
vividly
like a smack in the brain
wake up ya zombie!
I was all, Jesus Christ! I hear you!
lemme go back to sleep!
some of us didn’t pick up a buncha worshippers and we have to work for a living!
**** esoteric trust fund kids

I don’t want to think about my mistakes, confusions, or pains
I just want to be with you in this moment,
and as many moments as I can,
for the rest of our days

I am not interested in stalkers
or stoners
or random dude ******
I am not interested in you

well, we’re done
Germany
Germany
Germany
I’ll let you know
if I’m ever that side of the pond

my lungs lost their balance
they are swish swashing around
forgetting how to breath
they are exclaiming, whooah-oh!
and falling down
like little kids playing in the sand

we met through our kids
I developed an instant crush
I was in a bad relationship
and it was nice to feel good again
I sought his company more and more
every few weeks or months
first with our kids
then alone, just us
I invited him out to lunch
I took him for walks on the trails
and around our neighborhood at night
I asked him out with my friends
silly laughing drunken evenings
I wanted to see him always
I was elated and full to bursting with him
he was friendly and funny
we told each other about our lives
I thought he liked me
but he never asked me out
it was always me
I thought he was too shy
then one night we kissed
and kissed and kissed
that was all
but it was wonderful
something broke inside me
all my desires came flooding to the surface
but he was very drunk
in the morning he said he didn’t remember
he said it was a mistake
I couldn’t make the feelings go back though
I tried to make it keep happening
but he told me no
he told me stop
so I did
I never asked him out again
and we never spent time together again

I’m not sure when I started noticing the poetry
it was so long ago
it was after I told him about the poetry
so I thought it was him
it was exciting and ****
it was torturous desire
he talked about his feelings for me
he talked about our time together
I fell in love with him
more than love
I became obsessed with him
but when I asked, he said it wasn’t him
they were just coincidences
it was just poetry
anonymous poetry
I fell apart
the fantasy was the only glue holding me together at that point
I couldn’t let it go

I still don’t know what’s real
I’ve lived in a web of lies and manipulations
should I have known?
at some point I realized the posts were not just about our time together
they were about my life
everything I did
all my conversations
everything in my phone
I confronted him again
again, he said it wasn’t him
the person who hacked my phone
who watched me and heard everything
who posted mirrors of my life
and my fantasies of him
I believed him at first
I thought it was a stranger
because of Chou Chou
she said she knew the stalker
she said he was a catfisher
she said he was her errant lover
and I should stay away
I told her he was stalking me
she didn’t believe me
no one did
I called the police
I got a new phone
he always found me
and they never found him
he’s not in the country, they concluded
there’s nothing we can do
change your passwords
so I did
over and over

somehow over the years
I convinced myself it really was him
my crush
he loved me
he wanted me
it had to be him
the belief was thrilling, soothing, ecstatic
I left him notes and cards
I texted him, “ran into him” on the street
he never responded
to anything
but the posts were very convincing to the contrary
it was like he was trying so hard not to be seen
that he shown like a neon sign
I could find meaning in every vague post
you know how it is
you’ve experienced it too
you think you know what it means
you think it applies to you
it’s poetry
it applies to everyone, doesn’t it?
he’s not talking about me
is he?

for a long time the posts were sweet
but after a long while I noticed a mean streak
I tried to ignore it
love one day
hostility the next
sweetness, then attack
adoration, then judgement
promises of future affection
then mocking withdrawal
this person is messing with me, I thought
this person, whoever he is
wants to hurt me
I stopped trusting
I stopped trusting the anonymous stalker I fell in love with
I stopped trusting the shy sweet damaged man who loved me
I stopped trusting fate, love, desire, joy

I struggled, I still struggle, to consider others
to consider any romantic love at all
to rediscover faith
in anyone
in anything

the world is not a place I understand
I realize that now
more clearly than ever before
people don’t care when it seems they do
there are people damaged in ways I can’t comprehend
there are people who want to harm and humiliate others
for reasons unfathomable to me
I feel this now
I don’t know what I experienced
but I feel this possibility now
in ways that, yes, I understood before
but did not feel or believe
I kept, I keep, going through the loop

it happened again recently
every time I find out new information
about my crush
I look back and the puzzle piece posts click into place
oh, I think, that’s what this was about
I understand now
it wasn’t meant to hurt me
it’s easy to think everything is about you
when someone has stalked you
it’s easy to be paranoid and reactive
it’s easy to create stories
stories of harm based on your fear
stories of love based on your desire
to link things together where there is no link

fears and desires can shred you down to nothing
no reality, no attachment, no ground, no sky
no judgement, no defense

just a self, a pulse, an existence, a center
both empty and full

and eventually, in the silence
in the peaceful breath
hopefully
a nudge
to love again

it’s always tempting to blame myself
I can see the attraction
having a safe target
to take out my anger and frustration
to feel in control
with the illusion that self improvement could fix it
it’s preferable to accepting
that there is nothing at all I can do
maybe this is where the locus of fear comes from
growing slowly each morning in my stomach
I am alone
one of the many islands created in the deluge of our global actualization
we are each alone in our chrysalis
a symphony of painful transformations
does the moth think it has a choice?
does it always survive?

could you ever love me
as much as poetry?

every morning my nakedness invites your full length embrace
in your absence
cats and dogs stretch together in the sleepy bed

sometimes there’s not enough time in a life to heal
lovers lose
children die
hearts are never found
and we just laugh laugh laugh ourselves to the nearest grave
the life is still beautiful though
course it is

what is that on the horizon?
is it the shadow of Don Quixote?
or is it Loki the Asgard Coyote?
perhaps it is a simple tree
waving in the wind at me

red ***, meet green kettle
behave yourselves now