life is recursive
much like my poetry

please keep my heart safe
while I stitch a thicker skin

when we finally came together
a tornado of fire appeared in the sky
it came for us

another dream
a really great one
I’d like to go back to sleep

you are a perfect stranger
just perfect

time is delicious this evening
sweet and spicy
deep and rich
like Mexican chocolate
or cinnamon elixir

time is content tonight
heavy and smooth
drunk with svelte pollen
over slick naked petals
and bowed branches rocking

time exists carelessly independent of me
unconcerned and lazy in it’s duties
telling me an inside joke
remember that time, he says…
and I see a small distant warmth

we’re all surrounded constantly by things we don’t know or understand
there’s nothing at all you can do
except keep going
pretending you do

processing loss is a very dangerous job
the machines are terrifying
the hours are long
and the pay is terrible

don’t lay around waiting for the vultures
they’re not coming

I traced your lines so many times
you are engraved in my brain
I’m just not sure what the message is

I love her course hands
the scoring on each finger
like the tread of a tractor tire
wise with wrenches and grease
she will tell you what to do
just like a man
so obnoxious and confident
she’s a study in authentic masculinity
I’m mesmerized
by her imperfection
and competence
in all matters of this life

don’t worry, I won’t touch you
anywhere

the mesosphere, it seems, is a mystery
and it’s been right there beneath our noses
well, the noses of our satellites at least
the poor mesosphere
the middle child of atmospheric investigation
it’s not that we don’t care, middle child
we really really do
it’s just, you’re so **** hard to read!
I wonder what the corresponding metaphoric mental state is
could there be a layer of my consciousness
hiding there in plain site
and I just don’t have the technical expertise to probe it?
I bet there is
I bet it’s where the aliens are

the earth will consume our hubris
and every part of us attached to it

at times I feel very convinced
by my convictions
other times I just feel
convicted

my heart reflects the world
it is pouring

I want to feel good
to be free of insecurity and despair
but some days
it’s very easy to be knocked off my post
and I need a bit of a boost
to get back up

do I still exist?
I think so
I have a house
a family
friends
I work some days, not others
I have a phone, email
various social media accounts
I am not invisible
or untouchable
or unreachable
I think I still exist
I definitely do

can we?
can’t we?

don’t fret darling
there is no force in the universe
stronger than the existence between us

life used to be harder when I thought words meant more
I was trapped on an unpleasant roller coaster of love and rejection, intimacy and abandonment
now that I realize words don’t mean so much
life is more equanimous
and less of everything else

it is now so recognizable
anxiety
the need to run
literally
figuratively

I don’t see you
You don’t see me
Not really

troubled sleep
woke up in full delusion mode
you were him again
it was disturbing
depressing
destabilizing
I woke up in love

a nodding acquaintance
indifferent
an anonymous stalker
obsessed
a partner
in love
a woman
lost

I always thought
the bands of light around the earth seen from space
represented the reflection of sunlight
through the various densities of atmosphere

they do not!!

they are actual emanations of light
from chemical reactions, cosmic rays, and photoionization
(don’t worry about that last one)

my point is...

                 we glow

                           we, the earth

                                          we glow

                                                          like we’re made of stars

it has been the slowest tide in millennia
the moon went traveling to a distant star
leaving the ocean in such a state
lovers are lost
wolves are incensed
the estrus is in peril
meanwhile
the tide drags itself out
foam curling like lazy toes under bed covers
rising against gravity
disappearing momentously
up
into a serpentine mountain of water
reaching
for its fading mate
the moon

the wave holds time
inside the precipice of its crash
a breathless, silent
pause

the moon looks back, gently
seeing only a warm farewell

this whole endeavor started because of you
sorry, him...
so maybe it will be an interesting change
to see where it goes
without you—
errm—him

as muse, that is
probably a lot more poems about
the finer existential points of
earrings and cereal

I am having significant trouble to focus
there are feelings swirling in areas that do not help one to think
and in my brain
thoughts of you
have performed a coup

as far as I can see
the only reality
is you
avoiding me

indefinitely

don’t end up on the wrong side of my tracks
it’s a dangerous neighborhood over there
but there’s lots of signs to keep you safe
if you’re the sort to pay attention

I couldn’t even talk to him at the end
my brain frozen in fog
couldn’t look at him
or myself
now we just look away
it’s fine

— why are you so squirmy?
— because when I get hugged and kissed I get super super happy, and I like squirming around

it seems the crazy train has left the station
hopefully chugging some other kool aid
cause this kool aid is mine

forget, whispered the wind
and then died

I am talking to you in this strange way
my tongue has become like a typewriter
it is apparently an outdated technology

no one cares anymore
not my therapist
or the police
not my friends or family,
he doesn’t even ask
they’ve all lost interest
you’re absolutely free

Mercury is in Aquarius
just so you know
it does not bode well, for people like me
AND it goes retrograde later this month
then Venus... jeez don’t get me started
I may not pull through

a dead silence
grinds the nerves
into long strings of tendon
holding together nightmares

my mind conjures the sound
of Sweeney Todd
making sausage

I’m not sure how this is better
than the traditional approach
it sure feels worse than anything I’ve ever experienced
how about for you?

I find a strong will very ****
but it can be a detriment to a joyful life

if I gave you a hug
would you feel a hug?
or a claustrophobic squeeze?
if I sent you a picture
would you see my need to connect?
or steal my soul with your eyes?
if I left you a flower
would you smell the sweetness of hope?
or the decay of lost possibilities?
if I kissed your lips
would you taste desire?
or fear?

if I said I love you
would you hear it?

there were balloons today
flying into the sky
no one was holding them
they dodged and bounced in the breeze
colors weaving and streaming
I think they were laughing

I want to write something inspiring
words beautiful and strong that spur you to action
or prompt you to holler joyfully from rooftops
words that touch your heart in brotherhood and healing
words of comfort and understanding

but I am a simple being
I write of flowers and sun
wind and dreams
loneliness and truth
I would never coax action
where stillness is needed

look into yourself, I say
if your self says
run
run and hide
then do so, I say
do so
until your self says
I am bored
bored bored bored
until your self says
I am ready
for more

if it ever does
I say

come
come to me
I will dance with you
across the rainbow side of the moon
with kisses
and love
and the rest of time

the rain has come for me
to say all the things I no longer can

my dog does not know
what the vacuum cleaner is
but he understands
it is a terrifying
dangerous
machine
and he is ready
to protect me
when the time comes

I am suspended in a healing euphoria
I haven’t felt this for so long
my connection to greater self seemed blocked
but I am expanding now
a minor ecstatic state
integrated with my mind
swelling in my chest
my limbs are numb and beautiful
the dimensions are folding loosely inside me
portals opening
I feel an incorruptible power and purity
a gentle ineffable pleasure of peace
and rightness
in truth, I do not know what it is
I call it energy, spirit, light
I call it Love
I call it Self

feline curl
in the crook of your arm
relaxed
in the blind feral faith
that she is the one

scams of the heart are most egregious
and while I don’t like to think the worst of you
alternative explanations seem absurdly naive
though, I am a descendant of European colonizers
and we are a notoriously jaded bunch

you are always one step ahead of me
as I chase you across the night