every time you shrug
that’s you, granting yourself the blessing
of the serenity prayer

I’m very good at holding still
at camouflaging time
pause... pause... pause
grains of sand defy gravity
under my spell
I   can    s l o w    i t     d o w n
to make a safe space
with no effect
only
c   a   u   s   e

when I was a kid
the cute little next door neighbor boy would come over every day
and knock on the door
-tink tink tink
my mom would open the door
and he always said
—can hevver and ehwin come out to play?
and we did
you should try something like that

is the panic caused by sadness?
or is the panic the culprit?
why the violent bashing of my heart
like an angry ape pounding the earth?
why the weakness in my limbs
****** dry of life and joy?
begone dark creature feeding on my fears

I love the guys in their 40’s
who put on their profiles
“Wants kids”
and I’m like
seriously dude?
then you shouldn’t have ****** up your last 15 years of relationships

all you young men out there
take heed
put the work in now
because you’re going to want kids someday

I’ve lost them
the rest of the thoughts
I wanted to give you this moment
they’re gone
but they were wonderful
I assure you
they were...
but I’ve got more
for the rest of your life
I promise—
I’ve got more

I am laying in my bed
alone
feeling shy and happy
naked and alive
missing your eyes

I’m not much of a betting woman
I infer, or deduce...

nah, don’t buy that *******
I just listen to the voices in my head

or my gut

wherever the most synapses are happening at any particular moment

To no effect,
I made every synopsis
To no one in particular,
I leave this ellipsis

if it isn’t you
if you’re not the one
you’ll be my biggest fan
and they’ll arrest you for stalking

who is my captor?
is it him? or you?
who is the arbiter
of my Stockholm syndrome?

or is it me?

I met an incarnation of Plato in the Alaska wilderness
she very mischievously gave me
a misbehaving wolf

there is a thin steely streak
an unrelenting
unforgiving
unsympathetic
streak
it’s usually reserved for herself
but you found it
it’s not your fault
it’s just how she’s built
it’s like the rebar
holding the foundation together

I can’t even write the story of you
I keep trying
it gets longer and longer and more convoluted
I realized it’s more of a saga
but I don’t know how to make things interesting
when they go on for so long
and! there’s still more to go
it’s not over yet
not for me

I bet it will start more smoothly
once I know how it really ends

I’m going to commit a ******
then we’ll have leverage on each other
which is the foundation of all trust
and I can afford the plane tickets

delicious and nutritious
not at all suspicious

one thing I am not cursed with
is disorganized thought
my emotions may be a mess
but my thoughts...
they are very organized
they are actually
self organizing
as if my thoughts have a mind
and will
of their own
an order they want to be in
a point they want to make
and I am just an observer of this process
a smart *** observer

I need a back rub
and a hand holding
and a tummy to kiss
and some other stuff

are you upset I won’t make him leave?
the father of my son?
in the middle of this economic crisis covid thing?
when we all need all the support we can get?
hell, you wouldn’t even block some crazy *****
but had no trouble blocking me
when I asked for explanations
or your name
oh ****, I guess I am angry
huh.

and that’s how you do it
you say, no, you are wrong
I am not this person

unless you enjoy playing games with them,
being the object of their misplaced infatuation
stringing them along for years
which, whatever man,
to each his own
but you know,
that’s weak

I remember every word he ever said to me
None of those words were
“I” or “like” or
“you”

there are eyes in the dark
and shapes
they fold in and out
they pulse
I try not to look
I don’t want to know
what they are
or if they’re touching me

I’m going to write something really great!
It’s going to rock your world!
Then you will fall over, cursing me.

what a fabulous day
a shiny, rare, legendary kind of day
with very high CP and a 3 star assessment
a day for golden razz berries and hatching eggs
hope you have a happy pokeday

I remember once you joked I was bipolar
And I was like, hmmm maybe you’re right
And you said, no no no, I’m just joking,
you’re not

Now I know, really, I’m not
I have chemical proof
But
Something is not right
I’m not sure but
I think something
is just not right

I hid all my scary thoughts under the porch
so you would not think my house is haunted
or an attraction for coarse beasts

anxiety is riding me
I am tired and unwell
spaceships invaded
massive buildings of red light
passing through, melting giant creatures
reordering their beings
I hid in fear
but they followed me easily
I attracted them into existence

my head hurts
maybe I am dehydrated

you were a dark alley under a full moon

I loved this person so profoundly
who wouldn’t?
every whim and fantasy
at your fingertips
at the edge of your mind
teasing thoughts from deep hiding
thoughts you didn’t know you had
feelings you didn’t believe in
who wouldn’t?

I saw you peeking
from different times
and different places
I saw you peeking
with different names
and different faces
you had a crooked witches window
from a crooked little world
you flew through with crooked fingers
to steal a wistful frozen girl

she’s settled now, in your arms
and sweetly in your dreams
yet trapped with someone else somehow
or so it forlornly seems

I miss my lovely feelings.
I miss you.
Who are you again?

black, white, mud, and
the properties of light
create a reality
that becomes something different
on each side
of the lenses in my eyes

I dreamed European airport tellers stole from me
five crisp new hundred dollar bills
smug old white men with smoke stained fingers and
invincible plexiglas protection
my mother appeared
brief and sympathetic
I appreciated her show of support

you press me firmly against the wall
you are angry
your face says
you squeeze tightly my arms
my father used to hold me this way
about the throat
it caused fear
and rage
why now does it cause
unbearable desire

it was a tragedy, an irony
a catch-22
like Romeo and Juliet,
it was an epic timeless love
that killed them both

when I am dead
I will not haunt you
or protect you
I will not hang around at all
not Earth, and not “heaven”
I will go home
I might pass through the sun
and the galactic core
I might make a few stops
if possible
but then I will pass through
the wheel
into the timeless infinity
outside all the universes
for just a little while
I will rest, be, and do research
but I will come back here
some other time
when I come up with more plans
maybe we can meet up then

see? I’m better
in the past this would have freaked me out
I would’ve thought it was you
again
everywhere
but I know now
it’s just other psychos
with their disturbed convictions
there’s plenty to go around

I figured it out
my attraction is based on respect
and that’s why
I can’t bring myself to **** a trump supporter
even if he’s hot
and can build me a closet

I let your technicolor gaze alight
stealing mirrored glances into your night
to catch your red hands in my site or
swallow you whole in my hungry bite

what say you now, gentle bandit
as you hold my heart strings tight
shall we run further away from this
or indulge our dangerous delight?

most everybody seems to persist
they close their eyes
and when they open them, they’re still there
it’s...

amazing

but I think,
I think I can do that,
in theory,
I should be able to do that, too

I think it’s funny
how you pretend there’s a thing you can do
like there are different actions you could take
that would make a difference
like you have choices
that just
that kills me

each time I see you
I become more stupid and incapacitated
you’d better stay away
before I forget how to tie my shoes
or slip into a coma

the rainbow in the window is comforting
when I see it I feel secure
like everything is going to be ok
my heart beats a little looser
like a jungle drum at dusk
     a deep thrumming echo in a forest cathedral
sometimes I stare at it for too many seconds
captured by the mesmerizing peace
when I move on
I carry it as long as my heart can hold

I am holding my breath
which is making it hard to breath
while this strange feeling is shaking out
all over my body
a new dance maybe

two weeks used to be hard
and then I made it three months at a time
last year was only once
my goal now is to go a whole year
without seeing him
and then that year can turn into another year
and another
until I don’t even notice the years going by
and it just becomes like regular life
whatever that was
at some point maybe I’ll even go a day
without thinking of him

I think you’re amazing
even though I don’t know you yet
it occurred to me today
   and I was highly amused
   I’ll just be honest
that maybe you’re waiting for him to leave
so there’ll be no one to protect me
when you come

I know
I watch too much tv

once I’ve said all there is to say
regurgitated everything he ever said to me
     his words float to the surface of my thoughts still
     hurting, confusing, misleading
     promising words, about the future
     disconcerting words, that hint “not you”
once I’ve purged my mind of him
and all his words
it will be better, I think
then all I have to do
is stay away
for the rest of my life
so I never hear any more of his words
it will just be me
and my cynical thoughts
and some other man’s clothes in my closet

most people who know me don’t realize
I can be gentle...
so gentle

women, are just as much a mystery to me
as to the average men in their lives
I fail the girl test every time
in class the other day
I’m pretty sure the three of them talked about
eyebrows
for like, ten minutes
I checked to verify this
   —(timidly) are you talking about... eyebrows?
which, fine, no judgement here, great
but, I can’t—
I mean,
what?
I don’t think I’ve ever even looked at my eyebrows

fortunately, they are pretty accepting of me
maybe they even feel the same
they just...
did the homework

what is so fine
as a grape on the vine
or so succulent
a bite on the neck

if tonight you were mine
I would show you, my dear
and blow your composure
to heck