I forgot how it doesn’t matter what I want
I feel better now that I remember

you are a carbonation that never goes flat
and you are shaking inside me

the rainbow in the window is comforting
when I see it I feel secure
like everything is going to be ok
my heart beats a little looser
like a jungle drum at dusk
     a deep thrumming echo in a forest cathedral
sometimes I stare at it for too many seconds
captured by the mesmerizing peace
when I move on
I carry it as long as my heart can hold

I’m going to commit a ******
then we’ll have leverage on each other
which is the foundation of all trust
and I can afford the plane tickets

every poem is the last
even this

I let your technicolor gaze alight
stealing mirrored glances into your night
to catch your red hands in my site or
swallow you whole in my hungry bite

what say you now, gentle bandit
as you hold my heart strings tight
shall we run further away from this
or indulge our dangerous delight?

I’ve lost them
the rest of the thoughts
I wanted to give you this moment
they’re gone
but they were wonderful
I assure you
they were...
but I’ve got more
for the rest of your life
I promise—
I’ve got more

you were a dark alley under a full moon

I got confused
it happens
in my defense
the voices were REALLY loud
and persistent
they invaded my dreams
took over my mind
told me a story I wanted to believe
it was my fault for listening
I know they’re all liars
but the circumstances you created
were irregular
I never stood a chance
against all those lies
the ones inside
and out

most everybody seems to persist
they close their eyes
and when they open them, they’re still there
it’s...

amazing

but I think,
I think I can do that,
in theory,
I should be able to do that, too

I can’t even write the story of you
I keep trying
it gets longer and longer and more convoluted
I realized it’s more of a saga
but I don’t know how to make things interesting
when they go on for so long
and! there’s still more to go
it’s not over yet
not for me

I bet it will start more smoothly
once I know how it really ends

one thing I am not cursed with
is disorganized thought
my emotions may be a mess
but my thoughts...
they are very organized
they are actually
self organizing
as if my thoughts have a mind
and will
of their own
an order they want to be in
a point they want to make
and I am just an observer of this process
a smart *** observer

when I was a kid
the cute little next door neighbor boy would come over every day
and knock on the door
-tink tink tink
my mom would open the door
and he always said
—can hevver and ehwin come out to play?
and we did
you should try something like that

every time you shrug
that’s you, granting yourself the blessing
of the serenity prayer

for the first time in almost 20 years
I am (nearly) out of cereal
I can’t wait

each time I see you
I become more stupid and incapacitated
you’d better stay away
before I forget how to tie my shoes
or slip into a coma

objects in mirror should appear as far away as they are

I hate self fulfilling prophecies
because of the free will oxymoron

I love the guys in their 40’s
who put on their profiles
“Wants kids”
and I’m like
seriously dude?
then you shouldn’t have ****** up your last 15 years of relationships

all you young men out there
take heed
put the work in now
because you’re going to want kids someday

if it isn’t you
if you’re not the one
you’ll be my biggest fan
and they’ll arrest you for stalking

delicious and nutritious
not at all suspicious

there are eyes in the dark
and shapes
they fold in and out
they pulse
I try not to look
I don’t want to know
what they are
or if they’re touching me

I waited for you, alone
in this brightly lit room
until finally
it was a turn off

where, oh where, did that tender trusting soul go?
she is hidden in a treasure chest
at the bottom of the sea

but don’t worry
dreams are her oxygen
and she has plenty

I figured it out
my attraction is based on respect
and that’s why
I can’t bring myself to **** a trump supporter
even if he’s hot
and can build me a closet

I met an incarnation of Plato in the Alaska wilderness
she very mischievously gave me
a misbehaving wolf

I think it’s funny
how you pretend there’s a thing you can do
like there are different actions you could take
that would make a difference
like you have choices
that just
that kills me

I loved this person so profoundly
who wouldn’t?
every whim and fantasy
at your fingertips
at the edge of your mind
teasing thoughts from deep hiding
thoughts you didn’t know you had
feelings you didn’t believe in
who wouldn’t?

I was not made for this reality
they tried a cross over from a different one
to like, mix it up a bit
that’s my excuse

what’s yours?

... 27, 28, 29, 30!
calming,
an odd fact is that when I count for calming
I never start at 1
I just find the voice in my mind randomly starting
...15, 16, 17, 18...
and then I’ll hit some equally random number
and be done (!)
it’s a strange awareness
it just stops and starts
independent of my conscious intention
never more than a dozen or so numbers in a sequence

I love them though
I love their perfect discretion
the orderly sublime geometry of them
they are predictable and mysterious
clever and elementary
crass and sophisticated

numbers are also very passionate
they combine to make **** formulas and equations
they are not discriminatory
they’ll multiply, exponentially even,
with unknown variables of any persuasion
you think you know a lot of positions?
you got nothin’ on numbers

numbers give you the freedom to fly
or the safety and grounding of gravity
if you need it
you can always count on numbers
they make the best relationships

who is my captor?
is it him? or you?
who is the arbiter
of my Stockholm syndrome?

or is it me?

yeah, but
you don’t know people,
he said
and I thought,
exactly

two weeks used to be hard
and then I made it three months at a time
last year was only once
my goal now is to go a whole year
without seeing him
and then that year can turn into another year
and another
until I don’t even notice the years going by
and it just becomes like regular life
whatever that was
at some point maybe I’ll even go a day
without thinking of him

I am whipped into airy sweetness
a spoonful of meringue on the dessert of your choosing
a delicate confection
I will melt in your mouth

good luck!
have fun!
I hope it’s love at first site
and if not, blink a few times

I remember once you joked I was bipolar
And I was like, hmmm maybe you’re right
And you said, no no no, I’m just joking,
you’re not

Now I know, really, I’m not
I have chemical proof
But
Something is not right
I’m not sure but
I think something
is just not right

To no effect,
I made every synopsis
To no one in particular,
I leave this ellipsis

you press me firmly against the wall
you are angry
your face says
you squeeze tightly my arms
my father used to hold me this way
about the throat
it caused fear
and rage
why now does it cause
unbearable desire

we had the greatest romance ever
it was full of passion, intimacy, intrigue
tenderness, joy, heartbreak
mystery, intensity, playfulness
humor, attraction, fantasy
in fact, I think you were the love of my life
I’m so sorry you couldn’t be here for it

I’m not much of a betting woman
I infer, or deduce...

nah, don’t buy that *******
I just listen to the voices in my head

or my gut

wherever the most synapses are happening at any particular moment

he called, texted, left messages
no response
but the ad is still up!!
at this rate I’ll have to wait till his dad dies
so he can buy something on auction
you might think, the man’s in his 80’s
it can’t be long
but he’s bat **** crazy
and thinks he’s going to live to 140
and knowing bat **** crazy like I do
the ******* probably will

once I’ve said all there is to say
regurgitated everything he ever said to me
     his words float to the surface of my thoughts still
     hurting, confusing, misleading
     promising words, about the future
     disconcerting words, that hint “not you”
once I’ve purged my mind of him
and all his words
it will be better, I think
then all I have to do
is stay away
for the rest of my life
so I never hear any more of his words
it will just be me
and my cynical thoughts
and some other man’s clothes in my closet

see? I’m better
in the past this would have freaked me out
I would’ve thought it was you
again
everywhere
but I know now
it’s just other psychos
with their disturbed convictions
there’s plenty to go around

I remember every word he ever said to me
None of those words were
“I” or “like” or
“you”

I need a back rub
and a hand holding
and a tummy to kiss
and some other stuff

in less than a year
they’ve all left me
those closest to me
my buoys in the sea
I drift now
alone
and you
my north star
still twinkling in a distant sky

are you upset I won’t make him leave?
the father of my son?
in the middle of this economic crisis covid thing?
when we all need all the support we can get?
hell, you wouldn’t even block some crazy *****
but had no trouble blocking me
when I asked for explanations
or your name
oh ****, I guess I am angry
huh.

I’m going to write something really great!
It’s going to rock your world!
Then you will fall over, cursing me.

I dig me some funk
I can dance the finish off the floor with that ****
the groove grabs my torso
and it all gets loose
a lifetime of conscious living
really shows through
diet, flexibility, strength, fasting
gymnastics, diving, running
boxes full of ribbons, medals, trophies
yoga, dance
African, salsa, ballroom, modern, ballet
you want to know me?
you don’t know me

in my dream tonight
you will have no face
you will be a wraith
hovering over me in the dark
then a mist
guiding me through thick black forest
then a sentiment
resting against my face in the sun
and I will sleep well