my most enduring memory
will be of you pretending
I’m not there

I reread my poems all the time
so I can remember who I am
and how I feel
sometimes I get surprised, thinking—
Wait!! What?!?
and then—
Oh yeah, that’s right
That is me

I forgot how it doesn’t matter what I want
I feel better now that I remember

anxiety is riding me
I am tired and unwell
spaceships invaded
massive buildings of red light
passing through, melting giant creatures
reordering their beings
I hid in fear
but they followed me easily
I attracted them into existence

my head hurts
maybe I am dehydrated

good luck!
have fun!
I hope it’s love at first site
and if not, blink a few times

I hate self fulfilling prophecies
because of the free will oxymoron

I’m very good at holding still
at camouflaging time
pause... pause... pause
grains of sand defy gravity
under my spell
I   can    s l o w    i t     d o w n
to make a safe space
with no effect
only
c   a   u   s   e

the scrolling is making me sea sick
nauseous
I have dating vertigo 🤮

I was not made for this reality
they tried a cross over from a different one
to like, mix it up a bit
that’s my excuse

what’s yours?

most everybody seems to persist
they close their eyes
and when they open them, they’re still there
it’s...

amazing

but I think,
I think I can do that,
in theory,
I should be able to do that, too

what mess?
I’m great
life is—
fantastic

where are you again?

last week was really lovely
what shall I believe this week?

when I was a kid
the cute little next door neighbor boy would come over every day
and knock on the door
-tink tink tink
my mom would open the door
and he always said
—can hevver and ehwin come out to play?
and we did
you should try something like that

... 27, 28, 29, 30!
calming,
an odd fact is that when I count for calming
I never start at 1
I just find the voice in my mind randomly starting
...15, 16, 17, 18...
and then I’ll hit some equally random number
and be done (!)
it’s a strange awareness
it just stops and starts
independent of my conscious intention
never more than a dozen or so numbers in a sequence

I love them though
I love their perfect discretion
the orderly sublime geometry of them
they are predictable and mysterious
clever and elementary
crass and sophisticated

numbers are also very passionate
they combine to make **** formulas and equations
they are not discriminatory
they’ll multiply, exponentially even,
with unknown variables of any persuasion
you think you know a lot of positions?
you got nothin’ on numbers

numbers give you the freedom to fly
or the safety and grounding of gravity
if you need it
you can always count on numbers
they make the best relationships

if it isn’t you
if you’re not the one
you’ll be my biggest fan
and they’ll arrest you for stalking

I loved this person so profoundly
who wouldn’t?
every whim and fantasy
at your fingertips
at the edge of your mind
teasing thoughts from deep hiding
thoughts you didn’t know you had
feelings you didn’t believe in
who wouldn’t?

for the first time in almost 20 years
I am (nearly) out of cereal
I can’t wait

I met an incarnation of Plato in the Alaska wilderness
she very mischievously gave me
a misbehaving wolf

you were a dark alley under a full moon

we had the greatest romance ever
it was full of passion, intimacy, intrigue
tenderness, joy, heartbreak
mystery, intensity, playfulness
humor, attraction, fantasy
in fact, I think you were the love of my life
I’m so sorry you couldn’t be here for it

objects in mirror should appear as far away as they are

two weeks used to be hard
and then I made it three months at a time
last year was only once
my goal now is to go a whole year
without seeing him
and then that year can turn into another year
and another
until I don’t even notice the years going by
and it just becomes like regular life
whatever that was
at some point maybe I’ll even go a day
without thinking of him

where, oh where, did that tender trusting soul go?
she is hidden in a treasure chest
at the bottom of the sea

but don’t worry
dreams are her oxygen
and she has plenty

I let your technicolor gaze alight
stealing mirrored glances into your night
to catch your red hands in my site or
swallow you whole in my hungry bite

what say you now, gentle bandit
as you hold my heart strings tight
shall we run further away from this
or indulge our dangerous delight?

I’ve lost them
the rest of the thoughts
I wanted to give you this moment
they’re gone
but they were wonderful
I assure you
they were...
but I’ve got more
for the rest of your life
I promise—
I’ve got more

I remember once you joked I was bipolar
And I was like, hmmm maybe you’re right
And you said, no no no, I’m just joking,
you’re not

Now I know, really, I’m not
I have chemical proof
But
Something is not right
I’m not sure but
I think something
is just not right

each time I see you
I become more stupid and incapacitated
you’d better stay away
before I forget how to tie my shoes
or slip into a coma

I waited for you, alone
in this brightly lit room
until finally
it was a turn off

your name makes me embarrassed
I can’t say it
I can say all of the other things
but not your name
not without smiling
shyly and stupidly

I figured it out
my attraction is based on respect
and that’s why
I can’t bring myself to **** a trump supporter
even if he’s hot
and can build me a closet

black, white, mud, and
the properties of light
create a reality
that becomes something different
on each side
of the lenses in my eyes

when I am dead
I will not haunt you
or protect you
I will not hang around at all
not Earth, and not “heaven”
I will go home
I might pass through the sun
and the galactic core
I might make a few stops
if possible
but then I will pass through
the wheel
into the timeless infinity
outside all the universes
for just a little while
I will rest, be, and do research
but I will come back here
some other time
when I come up with more plans
maybe we can meet up then

I need a back rub
and a hand holding
and a tummy to kiss
and some other stuff

To no effect,
I made every synopsis
To no one in particular,
I leave this ellipsis

one thing I am not cursed with
is disorganized thought
my emotions may be a mess
but my thoughts...
they are very organized
they are actually
self organizing
as if my thoughts have a mind
and will
of their own
an order they want to be in
a point they want to make
and I am just an observer of this process
a smart *** observer

are you worried I don’t take you seriously?
let me be emphatically clear
no, I don’t take you seriously
who even are you?
I’m apparently much more practically minded
than you anticipated

are you upset I won’t make him leave?
the father of my son?
in the middle of this economic crisis covid thing?
when we all need all the support we can get?
hell, you wouldn’t even block some crazy *****
but had no trouble blocking me
when I asked for explanations
or your name
oh ****, I guess I am angry
huh.

I’m not much of a betting woman
I infer, or deduce...

nah, don’t buy that *******
I just listen to the voices in my head

or my gut

wherever the most synapses are happening at any particular moment

I remember every word he ever said to me
None of those words were
“I” or “like” or
“you”

every poem is the last
even this

delicious and nutritious
not at all suspicious

I think it’s funny
how you pretend there’s a thing you can do
like there are different actions you could take
that would make a difference
like you have choices
that just
that kills me

I dig me some funk
I can dance the finish off the floor with that ****
the groove grabs my torso
and it all gets loose
a lifetime of conscious living
really shows through
diet, flexibility, strength, fasting
gymnastics, diving, running
boxes full of ribbons, medals, trophies
yoga, dance
African, salsa, ballroom, modern, ballet
you want to know me?
you don’t know me

I’m going to write something really great!
It’s going to rock your world!
Then you will fall over, cursing me.

I can’t even write the story of you
I keep trying
it gets longer and longer and more convoluted
I realized it’s more of a saga
but I don’t know how to make things interesting
when they go on for so long
and! there’s still more to go
it’s not over yet
not for me

I bet it will start more smoothly
once I know how it really ends

sweet dreams
sweet screams
ice cream’s
melting in the sun

you press me firmly against the wall
you are angry
your face says
you squeeze tightly my arms
my father used to hold me this way
about the throat
it caused fear
and rage
why now does it cause
unbearable desire

every time you shrug
that’s you, granting yourself the blessing
of the serenity prayer

who is my captor?
is it him? or you?
who is the arbiter
of my Stockholm syndrome?

or is it me?

see? I’m better
in the past this would have freaked me out
I would’ve thought it was you
again
everywhere
but I know now
it’s just other psychos
with their disturbed convictions
there’s plenty to go around