see? I’m better
in the past this would have freaked me out
I would’ve thought it was you
again
everywhere
but I know now
it’s just other psychos
with their disturbed convictions
there’s plenty to go around

you’ve undressed me
with your eyes
tied me up
with your desire
left me to suffer
until you return
to finish what you started

there are eyes in the dark
and shapes
they fold in and out
they pulse
I try not to look
I don’t want to know
what they are
or if they’re touching me

my fantasy won a marathon
but then passed out at the finish line
when my reality finally caught up
it quickly went to work administering cpr
they are now snuggling together by a cozy fire
both having lost the competitive drive

in my dream tonight
you will have no face
you will be a wraith
hovering over me in the dark
then a mist
guiding me through thick black forest
then a sentiment
resting against my face in the sun
and I will sleep well

he called, texted, left messages
no response
but the ad is still up!!
at this rate I’ll have to wait till his dad dies
so he can buy something on auction
you might think, the man’s in his 80’s
it can’t be long
but he’s bat **** crazy
and thinks he’s going to live to 140
and knowing bat **** crazy like I do
the ******* probably will

women, are just as much a mystery to me
as to the average men in their lives
I fail the girl test every time
in class the other day
I’m pretty sure the three of them talked about
eyebrows
for like, ten minutes
I checked to verify this
   —(timidly) are you talking about... eyebrows?
which, fine, no judgement here, great
but, I can’t—
I mean,
what?
I don’t think I’ve ever even looked at my eyebrows

fortunately, they are pretty accepting of me
maybe they even feel the same
they just...
did the homework

I miss my lovely feelings.
I miss you.
Who are you again?

I wanted to write you something
thoughtful and moving
but all that came
was incredibly crass
bordering on ******
and I just didn’t think you’d find it
as humorous as I did

once I’ve said all there is to say
regurgitated everything he ever said to me
     his words float to the surface of my thoughts still
     hurting, confusing, misleading
     promising words, about the future
     disconcerting words, that hint “not you”
once I’ve purged my mind of him
and all his words
it will be better, I think
then all I have to do
is stay away
for the rest of my life
so I never hear any more of his words
it will just be me
and my cynical thoughts
and some other man’s clothes in my closet

most people who know me don’t realize
I can be gentle...
so gentle

it was a tragedy, an irony
a catch-22
like Romeo and Juliet,
it was an epic timeless love
that killed them both

There’s a lot to look forward to
But shooting down the scooters?
...I don’t know, it’s almost a deal breaker
I can think of plenty of places where that wouldn’t happen
I bet some of them even have affordable housing and good schools

I saw you peeking
from different times
and different places
I saw you peeking
with different names
and different faces
you had a crooked witches window
from a crooked little world
you flew through with crooked fingers
to steal a wistful frozen girl

she’s settled now, in your arms
and sweetly in your dreams
yet trapped with someone else somehow
or so it forlornly seems

I am just a meme that went viral
for too long

I suppose I should thank you
for not stealing all my money
or terrorizing me digitally
or posting naked pictures of me somewhere
although, maybe you did
how do I know?
there’s only so many **** sites I keep up with

I have been looking at shoes all week
scrolling scrolling scrolling
through dozens and dozens of types
but I cannot find a single pair I want to try on
it’s ok, I don’t mind going barefoot
and I have very pretty feet

I am holding my breath
which is making it hard to breath
while this strange feeling is shaking out
all over my body
a new dance maybe

the wolf edges along the unstable *****
slipping
which way did alpha go?
she howls

it’s true, you are a terrible disappointment
a heartbreaking disappointment
I get my hopes up
time and time again...
couldn’t you please
just this once
this year
this day
this time
I beg you
please
just this once
get me the good chocolate

I pretended to sleep
you lounged in the corner
ankle over knee
casually holding a very long handled
sledgehammer
talking to someone I couldn’t see
you were upbeat and relaxed
you were gentle and amused
you were handsome and
a bit
frightening
who were you?

what is so fine
as a grape on the vine
or so succulent
a bite on the neck

if tonight you were mine
I would show you, my dear
and blow your composure
to heck

I think you’re amazing
even though I don’t know you yet
it occurred to me today
   and I was highly amused
   I’ll just be honest
that maybe you’re waiting for him to leave
so there’ll be no one to protect me
when you come

I know
I watch too much tv

you are the perfect addition to my life
I can’t tell you how pleased I am
my mind is just flipping
with contentment
these nights
they go by so smoothly
with you in them
thank you bourbon

I remember the first time I caught you in a lie
I asked you out
you said you were “wicked sick”
I happened to be driving right by your house
and saw you drive away
I thought, well, it’s POSSIBLE he’s going to the store
to get medicine, but I knew
yup, that’s me

I couldn’t help but look—
but positively stare
I lost control of myself
couldn’t help but slip
back into you
how did you do that
with a simple walk down the street
my brain is still trying to catch up
with the decision my body instantly made

I blame you
for everything you didn’t do
if you had made just one move
I would have followed through

I see tiny wildflowers rapidly blooming over my last grave
don’t worry, it’s a metaphorical grave
my mind naturally and periodically annihilates itself
like a built in acid trip
or self regulating electroconvulsive feedback loop
I have all these spare identities just for this purpose
sacrificial personalities
or personality clones, maybe
to satisfy my self destructive impulses
it’s very effective, probably due to
my vivid imagination and
commitment to emotional authenticity
anyway, I’m still here
growing generations of
happy flowers

I have no moving thoughts
only polish for statues

a dusty dirt road dwindled
to a path of no desire
I wandered aimlessly
and without footsteps

I think he heard me
when I said I didn’t want him
never would again
I think he listened

I think he understood
when I said I still didn’t want him to go
didn’t want to be alone
I think it helped

he’s been looking at houses so long
there aren’t any
apartments too
none of those either

so I’m approving 18 new apartment buildings across the city
maybe that will help
free up the market a bit
maybe that will help

I wish I was a tiny being
who lived in tiny trees
admiring tiny blooms
floating on a micro breeze

I wish I had tiny problems
like finding a bit of light
to lay my tiny head
among the lovely bryophyte

a cool breeze breathes through my clothes
the chill fights it’s way inside me
I will make a hot spring
where desires bubble to the surface
a wind section of gently bursting sighs
mineral salts will turn my skin pink and plump
while vapors hover above the lazy fizzing surface
I see a form across the haze
wax dipped flames dance into the shadows
I don’t blink
where have you been?

you’re right
I’m not going anywhere
take your time

who is my you?
not him or he
not her or she
not I or me or the sky or sea
it’s only you
only you
who knows who

I was a beautiful, imaginary underwater creature
who swam joyfully in a small lake at the bottom of a cliff.
I lived in a subterranean cave with a horrifying mud monster.
He had only a gaping hole where his face should be.
I was mortally fearful of him
but he mostly hid, and protected me when the people hunted me.
He would emerge, roaring from the muck
throwing rocks and hunks of mud up at the beings in the light.
He frightened them fantastically.
I appreciated this,
and eventually thought,
maybe we could be friends.

I have no fantasy
no desire
no muse
no love
no spark

I read them
once, twice, maybe three times
but I don’t go into anything much further
(I can’t help it if I remember every ******* thing I ever read)
I just let the existence flow
across the time space
even as it pertains to her, these days
I don’t care much about that
I just can’t be too concerned
with any of your dynamics
you understand

I was so scared last night
my heart was thundering
the house was shuddering
desperately clenching the earth
violent wind stressing every weakness
the absence of rain ever more sinister

between the resonating terrors
I thought I would crack into pieces
become some weird horrible art
destroyed in a symbolic macabre way

this morning, it continues
I’m a little mouse, shivering

stories are leaping off the shelves
they are starting for themselves
they are starting happy

do you expect me to love you
without a touch?
I don’t even buy shoes online

it will be a huge loss
everything will change
become so much easier
nothing will be the same
for better or worse
I hope I have the will power
I hope I keep my strength
I mean, 10 pounds? Off my frame?
it will be a game changer

I can’t talk to myself anymore
myself betrayed me
lied
can’t be trusted
it doesn’t exist now
I’m not sure who does

socks
I hate folding socks
there’s no chore
I hate more
than folding a great big pile of socks
especially if they’re all the same
black, white, gray... lame

it’s not zen
(like washing dishes)
not satisfying
(like fixing britches)
there’s no sense of accomplishment
(like cooking a meal that’s ambitious)
folding socks is a terrible bore

but not having them folded
is the one thing I hate more

I tried composting my thoughts
to make a rich soil
where different thoughts would grow
but they just spun in the air over the bins
like little cyclone fairies
dispersing strange seed into the wind
now my yard is a mysterious canvas
sprouting the ebullient descendants
of those magical first thoughts

I smile
I smile again
and again
I eat chocolate
I do other stuff

my wolf dog was fickle
opinionated
a harsh judge of character
she did not like my cello playing
she did not like, or trust, people
she wouldn’t take
even a steak
from anyone but me

she did not bark, she spoke
with an impressive and expressive range of sounds

she had very sharp teeth
that she used to eat
domesticated animals
   expensive bird
   helpless kittens
very yummy snacks, she thought
though the bird was more than she bargained for
she swallowed it whole
and it was not small

she was not spayed
and would attract local dogs
howling in the dead of night, while she stood
regally
on the roof outside my window

when presumptuous people approached us
she would cringe against me, while on leash
quickly, I would say, don’t pet my dog...
they would freeze
with surprise and slight embarrassment
she protected me; I protected her and her
delicate sensibilities

she would never attack a person
but she threatened plenty
with her soft, controlled, purring snarl
she was convincing
all 45 lean, gorgeous pounds of her, and
her thick, shiny mane

she got me in a lot of trouble back then
I think of her often
I miss her like crazy
and still consider her
one of my closest friends
in this life