I can barely take care of my self
let alone this whole house
but I’m glad it exists
I like the space
I like not feeling claustrophobic
I like the long walk from the kitchen
through all the rooms
up the stairs
through all the rooms
to the bathroom

there’s lots of potential in all the spaces
I have plans for every corner
every wall
murals and tapestries and furniture that doesn’t exist
or at least I’ve never seen anything like it
what’s in my mind
it all exists in my mind
even if in reality it’s just blank

I think my self is a lot like this

I’m not handling it well
is all there is to it

your coaster is at the top of the track
you are about to have the ride of your life
hang on
scream if you must
but it is just the two of us here
so smile

I have this amazing handle on reality now
you would be so proud of me
I carved it myself out of driftwood
it has horns and wings
and is painted ocean sunset colors with
glitter dried seaweed streamers
it is very practical

C’mon baby
take me for a drink
I’ll give you my smile
with a playful wink
I’ll make you laugh
and I promise not to think
tell me your story
you won’t end up in the clink
I swear I won’t hurt you
‘cept with a little kink
don’t make me swipe right
those dudes don’t turn me pink
C’mon baby
I only want you

take me for a drink

something I learned from my wolf
show your teeth when needed
make clear you have no qualms using them
and enjoy your territory

unfortunately for you
I have enough of my own power
I don’t need to **** for it
but I kept all those texts

whoever said it takes two to tango
never saw me dance

it’s all good lover
it doesn’t hurt anymore
like I said
I’m moving on
we’ll all just take our chances

is this your house?
are my windows your windows?
do we share a sky?
is it... your closet?

I’m at the top of my game
when on bottom

...
(looks around)
...
(stares at sky)
...
(starts to whistle)

I had hope
I was really excited about it
I held onto it for a very long time
but now I have none
and if I’m being honest
this is more my default state

sometimes I try to do a thing
but I can’t
then I realize
I shouldn’t have to do that thing anyway

I have a nice feeling
I’m not sure what it is
but it’s nice

the rainbow in the window is comforting
when I see it I feel secure
like everything is going to be ok
my heart beats a little looser
like a jungle drum at dusk
     a deep thrumming echo in a forest cathedral
sometimes I stare at it for too many seconds
captured by the mesmerizing peace
when I move on
I carry it as long as my heart can hold

the words are piling up
becoming jumbled
a mountain of letters
of various fonts
all trying to say the same thing

I never know what you’re talking about
but that’s ok
I like the sound of your voice

a conversation was creating
a language of symbols
that we juggled with innocent glee
creating a story
within a story
that only the crazy could see

a lazy rambling rhyme
rolling scattershot with the tumbleweeds
across the skittering sands of time

she’s so dumb
I don’t know why she bothers me so much
doesn’t even know
it’s not one “piece”
for crying out loud
you even called them notes
thank you, by the way
for the note(s)
still, she’s so dumb

you’ve had enough of me
that much is clear
I turned the spigot on full blast
you said, drown me
so I did

peace of mind
I’ll get it
one way or another
you’ll see
it will be fine

the day is swirling around you
with never ending love and fantasy

Christianity is like the Donald Trump of the religious landscape
incomprehensibly dominating everything
with very little logic
and even with good intentions
both comically
and tragically
missing the mark
while causing its maker to turn in his nonexistent grave

every morning I feel unprepared for the day
like I left something undone in a dream
someone needs me back there
I want to go back
the blankets and pillows protect me
I am warm and floating and safe
but I have to get up eventually
go through the motions of the day
and wait until night comes
so I can live the real life

will he leave?
yes, of course
that’s inevitable
when?
I don’t know
but I’m sure it makes no difference
to a guy in Germany
with a passionate Italian admirer

I’m still haunted by the knots
this was a bad idea
makes it harder to forget
I thought I could untangle them
but he’s too much a part of it
pathways burned in my brain
you resonate together
a chord of surreal notes
his face, your words, my heart
tangled

****, I just realized
I’m going to be horribly depressed
in two weeks
I knew I shouldn’t have done this
I had such progress
the greatest progress in the history of progress

but then I remembered
his fuzzy warm face
slender fingers
the angle of his smile
and then there was no one else
again
so here I am

I love you so much
but you aren’t you
and I’m not me

it’s nice to still have feelings
I don’t, really
I’m folded up into a paper basket
not pretty enough to be pretty
and too useless to hold eggs

my thoughts are so convoluted
I can’t even make most of them public anymore
they are a knot of illogical forms
like a suburban American neighborhood
coming to no conclusion
having no insight into the human condition
or universal truths
I wish I had Stonehenge thoughts
or Egyptian pyramid thoughts
even English garden thoughts
but no, my thoughts are cul de sacs,
interconnected parking lots,
irrigated lawns
my thoughts are 2 inch caliper pin oaks
in 16 square feet of backfill
and they need a vacation

you are an eccentric juggler
though not too many appreciate your niche
or even get it really

I am still all here
it seems
I am not magic

I think you meant to apologize
for being a presumptuous condescending *****
to a complete stranger
but it came out wrong
you can always try again

those who wish to remain hidden
should not befriend those
with x-ray vision

and she jumped out of bed
with love and dance
and your face

you are not the words
there is a feeling inside me

you are not words but
a feeling
inside me

unfortunately, I am not afraid of normal things
like a god fearing woman should be
like ****, or ******,
or being photographed without make up
I’m afraid of
supernatural parasites
being abducted by aliens
losing my place in line at the DMV

also, sharks
if you were a shark
I would find you terrifying

as it is
I find you fascinating
and ****
you would be a great way to die
or live, if that’s an option

things are never black and white
unless you are a lover of penguins

and that’s how you do it
you say, no, you are wrong
I am not this person

unless you enjoy playing games with them,
being the object of their misplaced infatuation
stringing them along for years
which, whatever man,
to each his own
but you know,
that’s weak

I wish I was with you tonight
which is silly because you’d just say,
in one way or another
- Can’t you take a hint?
and then I’d want to die
again

translated to colors and shapes
I make more sense

I know what it’s like
to live for a certain day
for all the days in between
to go by in a blur
while you wait each week
each month
for that day
thinking the whole time
that on this day
this one day
something amazing will happen

but it never does
it never does
and eventually
that day becomes
like all the other days
a blur
all the days then
are just
a blur

I framed a new space
wired it
installed electrical boxes
insulated it (the good stuff)
put up drywall...

next weekend will be mud and paint
then another weekend for shelves
which still doesn’t give me enough time
to figure out
whose closet is this?

there is a dire incompatibility
and it is not time or space
or others
you should know
by now
what it is
I have wrapped my head all the way around you
and my understanding is an ouroboros
who is no longer hungry

I am all talk
my spirit animal is a mouse
I am gentle, sweet, nervous
I run in adorable circles
and make hidey holes
I do not bite, I cuddle
I am a very nice and easy pet

I have no imagination
only the vivid brush of memory

I hope you find someone new
and your new efforts are not in vain
I hope it works out for you
and you cause your new person
less pain

you know what I want
or do you?
oh, well
that’s too bad