I almost forgot
because I can’t remember anything
but I do remember the boys under the porch at church
I must have been 4 or 5
I couldn’t tell how old they were
you know how it is when you’re young
maybe 9? 10? 12?
they wanted to see girl parts
so I showed them
it meant nothing to me
they didn’t touch me
only looked
stared
intently
as I stood there with my pants down
I got the sense something wasn’t right by the way they acted with each other
arguing
the meaning was opaque to me
I don’t know why I remember this
or why I’m thinking of it now
I feel shame I guess
I don’t know

****, I just realized
I’m going to be horribly depressed
in two weeks
I knew I shouldn’t have done this
I had such progress
the greatest progress in the history of progress

but then I remembered
his fuzzy warm face
slender fingers
the angle of his smile
and then there was no one else
again
so here I am

things are never black and white
unless you are a lover of penguins

my mind is blank
my insides are shushed
I am holding my breath
in two shaky hands
an offering
to a slowly circling crow

dear crocus
you are like a **** librarian
with your rich violet petals peaking timidly from spears of green
****** and demure
I will paint my dreams with you tonight

there’s nothing in this world to count on
not even your own thoughts
each person is a boat lost in a sea of illusory context
the mast holds as long as the weather
sometimes there’s a fantastic sunset
sometimes there’s sharks
all you can do is touch the water
and tell yourself that you exist

I never know what you’re talking about
but that’s ok
I like the sound of your voice

I am alone in the bed and—
no, wait... nope
I’m not
a small wiggling creature is climbing,
hugging, kissing, squirming
— mom? are you awake?
&$!#!*!!
— can you go to the bathroom with me?
— yes baby, let’s go...

it all just slips through your fingers
which is fine if you’re tired of holding things
like I was

there’s a storm happening on the ocean
the boundary between sea and sky blurred by
the confused water
the pouring gunmetal static
a thickening albedo of rain drowning the atmosphere

the mass of water spreads rhythmically up
climbing the ladder of itself
there is no light to be caught in its prism
only the dark root of sound
a primordial beckon from the sky
a being of water could find transcendence in such a union
an otherworldly bliss worthy of pursuit
so the water creatures believe
as they climb

I will do it
I am doing it
I have been doing it!
but I’ll do it faster now

and she jumped out of bed
with love and dance
and your face

the greatest thing you can say to your boss
music to their ears
—I’ll take care of it

...
(looks around)
...
(stares at sky)
...
(starts to whistle)

everyone needs someone to think about
when they’re in a
thinking about a person kind of mood
I think about you

Christianity is like the Donald Trump of the religious landscape
incomprehensibly dominating everything
with very little logic
and even with good intentions
both comically
and tragically
missing the mark
while causing its maker to turn in his nonexistent grave

it’s easy not to care so much
when looking down from a lofty perch
from a magnificent view
so far away
from the consequences of any one action
so far away
from any being with a moral paradigm
so far away
from the source of gravity and feeling
so far away

I can sense the distance, the space, the ease
I can sense the complacent emptiness
children starving
children given to strangers
children locked in barns, basements, closets
children becoming women and men
or not
so far away
from the safety of the perch
inside

I dreamed I was ****
but the lady wouldn’t stop criticizing me
so I stayed in the dressing room

the continuity of skin
and breath
the appearance of mental health
these are the basics needed
to get through a tough spot

I am all talk
my spirit animal is a mouse
I am gentle, sweet, nervous
I run in adorable circles
and make hidey holes
I do not bite, I cuddle
I am a very nice and easy pet

I want love
I want peace
I want myself
Only

I wore a short blue dress
it matched my eyes
and my body
it was quite glamorous
quite ****
I wonder, why was I feeling so fancy
in my dreams last night?

I have crocheted a thick blanket
of sarcasm and innocence
it’s a bit clashing

I have all these straws
colorful pretty glass straws
delicate and lovely and sustainable
I like to organize and admire them

I wonder which is the last

I know what it’s like
to live for a certain day
for all the days in between
to go by in a blur
while you wait each week
each month
for that day
thinking the whole time
that on this day
this one day
something amazing will happen

but it never does
it never does
and eventually
that day becomes
like all the other days
a blur
all the days then
are just
a blur

you’ve had enough of me
that much is clear
I turned the spigot on full blast
you said, drown me
so I did

I am still all here
it seems
I am not magic

I don’t want to be an *******
I really don’t...
I just —
can’t —
help it!

I love you so much
but you aren’t you
and I’m not me

two is too many
even for one
who is too much

the feelings are occurring all day long
causing wardrobe concerns

all my old haunts
are too intimate
I probably shouldn’t go back
I definitely shouldn’t
but I already did

it’s a little bit safe, though
since it’s just in my mind and
I don’t have your number anymore

it’s not fair
there’s so little you have to do
you: walk down the street
me: get separated, rearrange my entire life, pay child support
see? not fair

it’s fun to look
and swipe
I don’t think I can do much more
I’m not ready to be seen
by someone new

all my states
are united under one country
of which you were the capital

being a mirror for someone
doesn’t make you any friends

I’m looking for Oranges
juicy exploding Oranges
some trees are covered in them
others you’re lucky to find one
but I think I’m in Orange country now
want to help me look?

I had an outbreak
of obsession
seeing him inflamed my condition

you’ve upended my world again
I don’t know what to think
but my feelings don’t seem to care what I think

a lazy rambling rhyme
rolling scattershot with the tumbleweeds
across the skittering sands of time

I hope you find someone new
and your new efforts are not in vain
I hope it works out for you
and you cause your new person
less pain

will he leave?
yes, of course
that’s inevitable
when?
I don’t know
but I’m sure it makes no difference
to a guy in Germany
with a passionate Italian admirer

the earth holds the moon in its steady and permanent grip
the moon pulls on the waters with longing
today I don’t have the strength
to withstand the push and pull of the tide
today I don’t have the mind
to navigate celestial bodies
today I let the waves toss me onto the shore
as the ocean retreats
today I rest on the beach
watching others play in the surf

I see the light again...
it’s mine

I framed a new space
wired it
installed electrical boxes
insulated it (the good stuff)
put up drywall...

next weekend will be mud and paint
then another weekend for shelves
which still doesn’t give me enough time
to figure out
whose closet is this?

poignant voices
sweep across my skin
rippling youth from deep cells
locked
periodically
in static waves
free now, to run backwards
across my face, eyes, smile

the secret of my youthful visage:
I truly
to my bones, hearts, and quarks
do not believe in time

I have no imagination
only the vivid brush of memory

there was a grand stage
a tiny actor
and all this empty space
it was something

every hour on the hour
are you ringing a bell?
because my body is responding
like your dutiful test subject