she’s so dumb
I don’t know why she bothers me so much
doesn’t even know
it’s not one “piece”
for crying out loud
you even called them notes
thank you, by the way
for the note(s)
still, she’s so dumb

nothing is sticking to me anymore
I had to buy a sticking spray
for love and discipline
and to keep from falling to my death

every day I release pains into the air
tufts of dandelion that ignite under the sun
I offer up the hurts
sacrifices to a blank slate
so I can appreciate a new day
so I can appreciate life
so I can keep loving

you should never have performance anxiety
as you are clearly a very talented actor
and I am an easy audience
when it comes to you

I nearly cried today
a few tears dripped out
I was really looking forward to it
didn’t happen though
maybe next time

I would have done anything for him
if he had said
“let’s try”

but when he finally said
“let’s try”
it wasn’t to me

I wish there was someone to enjoy it
Soft warm silent creature
Smooth pinkish sigh

translated to colors and shapes
I make more sense

is this your house?
are my windows your windows?
do we share a sky?
is it... your closet?

C’mon baby
take me for a drink
I’ll give you my smile
with a playful wink
I’ll make you laugh
and I promise not to think
tell me your story
you won’t end up in the clink
I swear I won’t hurt you
‘cept with a little kink
don’t make me swipe right
those dudes don’t turn me pink
C’mon baby
I only want you

take me for a drink

nothing hurts (much)
the light is bright
things are in order
and clean (relatively)
I think I even feel a bit happy
I’m smiling anyway
it’s a day of peace
and gratitude
so far
the first 30 minutes of it anyway

I have this amazing handle on reality now
you would be so proud of me
I carved it myself out of driftwood
it has horns and wings
and is painted ocean sunset colors with
glitter dried seaweed streamers
it is very practical

when I was 9, I was in an abusive relationship with a gymnastic center
they didn’t care if you were hurt, tired, sick
they didn’t care if you were scared
or unable to safely perform high degree of difficulty moves
these were the days of Kerri Strugg vaulting to gold on a broken ankle
I spent hours a day in that gym, four to six days a week during the summer
I competed, I won ribbons, trophies, medals
I had boxes of these things
too many to set on a shelf or hang on a wall

when I wanted to switch gyms
my mom made me go in by myself to tell them
I was 9
the mean old lady in the office who smelled like smoke and death told me no
I don’t remember her logic
only that she emphatically told me I couldn’t quit
I don’t remember how I responded
with meek fear, I imagine
I did leave that day though, never to return
it would be 3 more years before I left the sport altogether
with destroyed knees and emotional trauma
I was supposed to go to college on gymnastics scholarships
my parents had invested
they almost moved the whole family to another state for a gym that boasted Olympic athletes
quitting was the hardest thing I had ever done
walking away from abuse is never easy
even less so for a child whose life was defined by bullying, manipulation, and emotional neglect
I remember my coach asking me once if I’d eaten a whole pizza and gallon of milk the night before
I was too young to understand why he was asking but the disdain came across clearly

my dad never spoke to me about quitting
I could only imagine the disappointment

I’m used to a lack of support
judgement, criticism, bullying
I have more memories of those coaches and kids than my parents and sister,
they started me at 3, I joined the competitive team at 7, and the other girls were years older than me
I’m used to feeling alone and facing things alone
I’m used to emptiness
I’m used to one sided relationships and keeping things to myself
I’ve rarely felt anything else
there were brief interludes
a relationship in high school, a good boss for a few years
but I don’t feel strong today
I don’t feel independent in a healthy way
lately I just feel tired
my heart hurts
and life seems too long

experimenting, with punctuation!
I never know. when is the right. time.
to punctuate;
periods! terrify me—
semicolons; are we? writing? a dissertation?
and commas.
“tie me up in knots”
let’s. experiment!
with, punctuation,

yes, now I can be happy the rest of my life
now the worst has happened

how did that work again?
were there instructions? or?

I am painting you the most beautiful picture
a blank white canvas

Happy Valentine’s Day mother
We will go eat butter
In the summer
Oh, butter!

I am taking slow small breaths
in my square of sun
I am feeling wonderful
I am feeling shy
I am feeling naughty

napping in the sun
head filled with visions of love
peace in the heart
divine

every morning I feel unprepared for the day
like I left something undone in a dream
someone needs me back there
I want to go back
the blankets and pillows protect me
I am warm and floating and safe
but I have to get up eventually
go through the motions of the day
and wait until night comes
so I can live the real life

I’m still haunted by the knots
this was a bad idea
makes it harder to forget
I thought I could untangle them
but he’s too much a part of it
pathways burned in my brain
you resonate together
a chord of surreal notes
his face, your words, my heart
tangled

the exosphere
is the last bit of matter
the gravity can hold onto
before slipping out into space
alone
it’s the thinnest skin
separating one world
from the void between worlds
it feels like pins and needles
when interplanetary molecules are trapped
and celestial molecules break free
it feels like freedom and death
it feels like waking up

I know, I know
you want me to chill
face reality
get my **** together
or something
Ima do that
next week

you are not the words
there is a feeling inside me

you are not words but
a feeling
inside me

the space around me is naked and expectant
it has been yours for a long time now
your crime is negligence
I am calling social services

that was such a great day
we had a picnic on the dock and laid around holding hands
we laughed so hard telling stories
when the sun was setting he kissed me in the waning light
the moon was a pale wafer in the sky
we said sweet things and held each other close
our bodies fit together like long lost puzzle pieces
our hearts softened with relief and devotion
we made a love only found by dreamers and fools

wait, was it a coincidence?
do it again

unfortunately for you
I have enough of my own power
I don’t need to **** for it
but I kept all those texts

I’m breaking up with you alcohol
we had a great run
but it’s over
you should know
I’ve been seeing someone else
a tall drink of water
he’s everything I need
there’s someone out there for you though
keep your spirits up

please don’t show up when I’m out with my friends
or come around looking for your favorite glass
that will just be awkward
I’ve put all your stuff on the curb
someone will be picking it up in the morning
good bye

Atreyu’s horse sinks steadily into the mud
his weak limbs cease to move
white coat turns dark
his heart races in fear as he’s slowly entombed
Atreyu shrieks in tears
pulling on him not to give up
it’s no use
the swamp of sadness has swallowed hope
Artax is gone
Atreyu must go on alone
with only his grief and memory

I long to have too much of you
I don’t think it’s possible

I was wild, she said, always hanging off the rafters
I figured she put me in gymnastics because I was difficult
probably annoying
years later she said that wasn’t true
she didn’t know why I thought such a thing
but it was too late
it had become a foundation block of my self perception
now I just do everyone a favor
and stay at the gym as long as possible
it’s not a bad place to self quarantine
I like it there
everyone likes me there
in fact, I might go now

your coaster is at the top of the track
you are about to have the ride of your life
hang on
scream if you must
but it is just the two of us here
so smile

little bits of song
and silence
I would never
shy away
from you

you know what I want
or do you?
oh, well
that’s too bad

I thought Barbie would make me feel better
but it did not
maybe because I wore blue

a conversation was creating
a language of symbols
that we juggled with innocent glee
creating a story
within a story
that only the crazy could see

ocean
river
lake
brook
pond

you are my home

athletic, beautiful, chivalrous
where did you get this
when you love someone
you see what you want
you see what you want

blankets are nicer than people
they keep you warm and don’t creep you out
or leave you feeling like crap
loneliness is over diagnosed
also, I hate everyone

driving at night
is a terrible fright
with my very poor sight
so if we get into a fight
please
do not let me drive
at night

you are an eccentric juggler
though not too many appreciate your niche
or even get it really

there’s nothing in this world to count on
not even your own thoughts
each person is a boat lost in a sea of illusory context
the mast holds as long as the weather
sometimes there’s a fantastic sunset
sometimes there’s sharks
all you can do is touch the water
and tell yourself that you exist

it’s all good lover
it doesn’t hurt anymore
like I said
I’m moving on
we’ll all just take our chances

unfortunately, I am not afraid of normal things
like a god fearing woman should be
like ****, or ******,
or being photographed without make up
I’m afraid of
supernatural parasites
being abducted by aliens
losing my place in line at the DMV

also, sharks
if you were a shark
I would find you terrifying

as it is
I find you fascinating
and ****
you would be a great way to die
or live, if that’s an option

I had hope
I was really excited about it
I held onto it for a very long time
but now I have none
and if I’m being honest
this is more my default state

my mind is blank
my insides are shushed
I am holding my breath
in two shaky hands
an offering
to a slowly circling crow

everyone needs someone to think about
when they’re in a
thinking about a person kind of mood
I think about you

I never know what you’re talking about
but that’s ok
I like the sound of your voice