the pain of imperfection
the pain
and mystery
of you
is in my future
you are in my future
I know this
can taste it
you are
you will be
the sweet enduring pain
of my salvation

ocean
river
lake
brook
pond

you are my home

I’m sorry
I messed everything up
I wasn’t... assertive
I got crazy
and then... failed

the greatest thing you can say to your boss
music to their ears
—I’ll take care of it

you are so hard
to get close to
but are you also hard
when you think of me?

yesterday was tough
anxiety gripped me painfully
thoughts of you are all that got me through
rough thoughts
to make you blush
this morning I feel peace again
the night scrubbed me clean
my body is light and sweet
and ready for gentle love
with different thoughts
of the same you

I forgive you darling
you only need to forgive yourself
and let lovers love
it’s true
only selves can blame selves
I love your God if it has taught you this
I am happy for your good fortune
I will still fantasize about you
though not in high heels

I got an impact massager
for my legs
which are always super tight after my workouts
it is AMAZING
like a massage and physical therapy all in one
and it kind of has a mind of its own
jumping all over the place
at least that’s what I tell myself
when it ends up
as it usually does
   there
I mean—
those muscles are super tight too

there’s nothing in this world to count on
not even your own thoughts
each person is a boat lost in a sea of illusory context
the mast holds as long as the weather
sometimes there’s a fantastic sunset
sometimes there’s sharks
all you can do is touch the water
and tell yourself that you exist

I was wild, she said, always hanging off the rafters
I figured she put me in gymnastics because I was difficult
probably annoying
years later she said that wasn’t true
she didn’t know why I thought such a thing
but it was too late
it had become a foundation block of my self perception
now I just do everyone a favor
and stay at the gym as long as possible
it’s not a bad place to self quarantine
I like it there
everyone likes me there
in fact, I might go now

How I love your eyes
Sleepy heavy lidded
**** eyes
I like where they look
The way they look
I like the way you look

C’mon baby
take me for a drink
I’ll give you my smile
with a playful wink
I’ll make you laugh
and I promise not to think
tell me your story
you won’t end up in the clink
I swear I won’t hurt you
‘cept with a little kink
don’t make me swipe right
those dudes don’t turn me pink
C’mon baby
I only want you

take me for a drink

nothing is sticking to me anymore
I had to buy a sticking spray
for love and discipline
and to keep from falling to my death

I’m not handling it well
is all there is to it

I am taking slow small breaths
in my square of sun
I am feeling wonderful
I am feeling shy
I am feeling naughty

arousal occurs at the oddest moments in your 40’s
like sometimes even when gardening
hormones are truly god’s gift to us all

I can turn every moment of your life into a portrait
that I will admire
from near or far

the space around me is naked and expectant
it has been yours for a long time now
your crime is negligence
I am calling social services

why couldn’t it have been you, he said
but I thought it was

why can’t I have you now
I want you
now
right
now

your coaster is at the top of the track
you are about to have the ride of your life
hang on
scream if you must
but it is just the two of us here
so smile

it’s ok, you deserve it
we all do

it’s hard to trust and respect people
intimately
when you are a little bit brilliant
I understand why one might chose a pigeon

everyone needs someone to think about
when they’re in a
thinking about a person kind of mood
I think about you

I can barely take care of my self
let alone this whole house
but I’m glad it exists
I like the space
I like not feeling claustrophobic
I like the long walk from the kitchen
through all the rooms
up the stairs
through all the rooms
to the bathroom

there’s lots of potential in all the spaces
I have plans for every corner
every wall
murals and tapestries and furniture that doesn’t exist
or at least I’ve never seen anything like it
what’s in my mind
it all exists in my mind
even if in reality it’s just blank

I think my self is a lot like this

I would like to be secure
so as not to slip
out of my life
or my mind

until I wake up
you’ll do

my wave
made you possible
you’re welcome

I nearly cried today
a few tears dripped out
I was really looking forward to it
didn’t happen though
maybe next time

yes, now I can be happy the rest of my life
now the worst has happened

how did that work again?
were there instructions? or?

I will do it
I am doing it
I have been doing it!
but I’ll do it faster now

I am painting you the most beautiful picture
a blank white canvas

morning has come again
but my bed won’t let me go
don’t worry bed
you will have my dreams again this night

the words are piling up
becoming jumbled
a mountain of letters
of various fonts
all trying to say the same thing

is this your house?
are my windows your windows?
do we share a sky?
is it... your closet?

it’s all good lover
it doesn’t hurt anymore
like I said
I’m moving on
we’ll all just take our chances

I’m at the top of my game
when on bottom

you’ve been added
to a very small collection
of the most intimate betrayals
you’re practically family

unfortunately for you
I have enough of my own power
I don’t need to **** for it
but I kept all those texts

I had hope
I was really excited about it
I held onto it for a very long time
but now I have none
and if I’m being honest
this is more my default state

you’ve had enough of me
that much is clear
I turned the spigot on full blast
you said, drown me
so I did

you should never have performance anxiety
as you are clearly a very talented actor
and I am an easy audience
when it comes to you

he wasn’t worth it, I know
I mean, jeez
have you SEEN me in a leotard?!?

every day I release pains into the air
tufts of dandelion that ignite under the sun
I offer up the hurts
sacrifices to a blank slate
so I can appreciate a new day
so I can appreciate life
so I can keep loving

a lazy rambling rhyme
rolling scattershot with the tumbleweeds
across the skittering sands of time

I’m still haunted by the knots
this was a bad idea
makes it harder to forget
I thought I could untangle them
but he’s too much a part of it
pathways burned in my brain
you resonate together
a chord of surreal notes
his face, your words, my heart
tangled

I am an island
a beautiful, glorious fantasy island
you don’t even know

whoever said it takes two to tango
never saw me dance

I have this amazing handle on reality now
you would be so proud of me
I carved it myself out of driftwood
it has horns and wings
and is painted ocean sunset colors with
glitter dried seaweed streamers
it is very practical

I might have loved you
you never know
I loved him
and he was nothing special
(well, obviously I thought he was but I was biased)
my point is
I did love him
and he didn’t give a rats ***
like you said
just junk floating in a river

so I could’ve
I might’ve
loved you
it’s possible

I don’t know
I guess we’ll never know